Does trauma destroy the relationship to yourself?

I think it sort of does. Because you lose the connection to yourself.
At least this is how it feels to me...
I sort of can imagine, when you bring back all the memories and feelings that belong to you, you can restore the relationship...

Sounds about right to me. Repressing a traumatic experience means diverting
your attention from the memory of the experience.
Any time you sense the memory wants to come into your awareness,
any time something reminds you of the memory,
you try to focus on something else. You break any possible relationship, progress, development, or catharsis with the memory.

So, instead of processing the memory (catharsis), the memory haunts you.
And I think all that is true with any repression, traumatic or not.

So, the question is, how do we reconnect to painful and fearful experience?

Yes, I would agree. PTSD and c-PTSD are like OCD of the brain's memory. The relationship between the id, ego and superego - to use some dated terms - is changed and out of balance.

It kinda seems to have that effect.

I think so. I know that I keep thinking I should have done something different, or been more strong, rather than weak, etc, etc. So now my perception of myself is this pathetic person who totally let this happen...so yeah, I think it can change your relationship to yourself. Good question

I think trauma severed my sense of my own autonomy; it cut me off from my feelings of being in control of myself and what happened to me. I'm getting that back, though, forging a new connection.

For me remembering what happened is what stole the "normal" from my life. Not that my life was normal, I just didn't know it. I had the illusion of a normal life under my control...and then memories shattered everything I thought I knew was true.

My relationship to myself definitely changed. The past as picture perfect and ideal was a lie. I had convinced myself that my childhood had been nearly perfect. I blame myself, even though I was a child and I would never blame a child, somehow it is all my fault. I'm the one that lied to myself created a perfect childhood that never happened. True on the outside I did well, did great in school and the work world until I remembered but I don't know how I did that, somehow I was better then than I am now.

Whoever said that things only happen when you are ready to handle them never really had major trauma. Things can and do happen when you are not ready for them.

Well, I never thought of putting it like this, but yes, PTSD does really challenge someone's sense of safety with "self". Unless someone experiences it first hand it is extremely hard to understand how much of a challenge it really is. My experience has completely changed my view on others and my empathy for others who struggle with MI has increased two fold. It is such a lonely disorder and it is so important that when someone is challenged by it to get help and lots of "validation".

For anyone who is challenged with PTSD, it is very important to understand the brain and also not "self blame" at all with it. Understanding that there are reasons why our brains have strong emotions and that the driving force is to "learn" on a much higher level is very important. To understand that our brains are truely designed to puzzle and stress so that we "pay closer attention" is a must so that when someone is struggling they realize that with time they can regain an even higher level of understanding and balance.

It is important to understand that we only use such a small portion of our brain on a "conscious" level and much of what we have in the "unconsious" or "subconscious" mind is from our environment and nurturing while we are growing up. Once we develope PTSD, what happens is that our brains begin to sort through our history to find resolve, simply to help us survive. When we have a troubled history that may include more trama, we can begin to experience these events that come up to the conscious mind causing us to have "more" confusion in our conscious mind.

Giving ourselves time to understand what is really happening in our brain allows us to accept our individual healing process much better. To understand that the troubling things that come forward are not "punishment" or "meant to hurt us" or "mean we are broken" or "that we are now forever doomed somehow" is very important to making progress and regaining balance back "through" PTSD.

I have talked about "waves" before in this forum. Well, when we are triggered or experiencing a flashback or span of a difficult or challenging memory, it is crucial to understand "this is not "now"". These "waves" come in and crest and then slowly receed. The way to "handle them better" is to realize that it is important to allow it to just come in for whatever time it comes forward, then receed, and that is when we can "consciously" work on them and pay attention to how our bodies are reacting and work on recovering our sense of "calm". We can "observe" our anxiety and practice distracting our mind so that our body stops getting the signal to "run" or "have a high alert". Then we can "consciously" slowly work through whatever it is and with time, whatever it is "can" be worked through and then become a "solved" memory.

Yes, it sounds "easy" but for anyone who struggles, it is not easy, it time consuming and each person is different depending on what they have in their history that was tramatic and somehow "unresolved". However, each time these waves come forward, are consciously worked through, they actually reduce in how they disable and eventually they are just a ripple and no longer a major challenge.

For example, in my own experience, I had a "tramatic" childhood. I had thought I had survived much and moved on, I never, ever, expected to experience these tramas again the way I have been. I have learned that when an event comes forward from my childhood, my conscious mind see's it from that child's standpoint, not from my adult self. These experiences that come forward can last from 10 minutes to all day and for that length of time I am that child. This confuses my "conscious" mind from a day to perhaps a few days where I am part that child and part my adult conscious mind. During that time, I really struggle to just be able to go along in my normal single conscious adult mind, interacting and doing regular day to day activities. And most people have an extra struggle because the "conscious" mind is being overworked. So that is why most people who are in the beginning stages of experiencing PTSD often "isolate" and "get very tired and easily depressed".

However the brain is smart, often only allows so much to come forward at a time, this is to "self protect" so we do not get too overwhelmed with the chemicals that also come forward, expecially "cortizol" which present the signal of "danger, fight or flight". So often memories or flashbacks only come in "fragments".
This again is not about "punishment", instead it is to work on each piece at a time so that the brain is not over worked.

If we are taught to understand what is taking place, we can develope ways to "consciously" work on telling our body, "no this is not real danger, relax, stop producing cortizol, no need to run", we can learn to slowly gain more control as we work on "healing and recovery". If we are "not" taught to understand what is taking place, these experiences can "frighten us" on top of whatever fear or danger is in the memory coming forward, which leads to extreme challenge.

The first stage of PTSD is the "most challenging" and that is when many things come forward and it is very "confusing" and "scarey" and worse if there is "no one" to help us understand what is taking place. To be around others who constantly remark to "just deal, just stop dwelling, just get a hold etc" is not good for anyone who is struggling. That is because in this stage of PTSD, there is no "just" and the person who is struggling becomes very aware of this and is already very aggrivated because they too wish they could "just".

What needs to be understood is that anything that comes to our conscious mind has to be processed. With PTSD, many times what comes to the conscious mind is from the past. As with anything that comes to the conscious mind, present or past, all has to be processed AFTER something is presented to the conscious mind. And in both cases, most of what comes to the conscious mind is "often unexpected".

When someone is experiencing PTSD, their "conscious mind" is working "overtime" because they are not just processing daily events and interactions coming in from the exterior world, they are also processing events and interactions from the "unconscious or subconscious mind" at the same time. And what they are dealing with is "all unresolved" and if they have a history of trama, abuse, neglect, or unresolve in their past, it brings "extra" stress. When this happens the "anxiety" level rises which ofcourse brings on feeling tired and depressed as well as a feeling of an inablitiy to work or participate on a normal level of day to day function. And because other people do not understand this challenge, and it really is so very difficult to explain, the person who is struggling begins to want to isolate more an more and also begins to feel they are "somehow a failure" as well. DO NOT GIVE INTO THIS FEELING, IT WILL GO AWAY WITH TIME.

If someone is struggling with PTSD, and is taught to understand it, also is taught that with time and slowly working through whatever confusion comes forward, they can slowly "gain balance" back and even have a better way of understanding, the person struggling can "suffer much less".

It is important to make efforts to still have access to "the adult conscious" productive life as well. But, to also establish "calming methods" and "time outs" and a "safe place where the person can have no demands and just "quiet safe rest". The more "support" the sufferer receives the more they will be able to feel better about working through their PTSD, not to feel guilty or be ashamed, but to just keep working through it, the better they will progress.

I cannot say enough, MUST SELF LOVE, SELF CARE, KNOW YOU ARE CHALLENGED AND DO NOT BE ASHAMED TO WORK THROUGH IT, NO MATTER WHAT. Understand that sometimes you will "react" to certain situations in a strong manner as well. Know, that you will only be able to "work through these times AFTER and do not be ashamed if you need to express yourself.

It is very important to find a good therapist that understands PTSD, can help you slowly sort through whatever comes forward as well. I CANNOT SAY ENOUGH HOW VALIDATION allows for gains and improvement to getting back to once again having a "better relationship with self again". So does "trama" destroy one's relationship with "self"? Well, I would say that what it does is "challenge" it in a way that comes as a complete surprise, not anything one could "imagine" having to deal with. It does "feel" like it is destroyed, but it isn't, it is very "repairable". With "therapy" and time you can come to know yourself in a very deep and more meaningful way, if you work at it and agree to "self nurture".

There are "stages to healing" with PTSD. The second stage is "mourning" where you will feel sad about the unfair things you have experienced and it is "ok" to grieve. The final stage is taking all you have learned and using it for the rest of your life. You have a wonderful brain, very capable, so give it a chance to heal, it can do it, it is your gift to learn, grow and gain all of your life. Realize the "you" that is lost right now, just needs time to sort things out, you are not really lost, you can make "peace" with the you that was somehow hurt and just didn't have the needed information to know how to deal with whatever challenged you in your past. Life is all about learning and growing anyway, none of us have all the answers.

((((Lots of caring hugs to keep trying and healing because you truely can)))
Open Eyes

Just on the topic last therapy appointment I had my therapist wanted me to define who I am, and like what I want to do.....and I couldn't come up with anything, just progressively got more frustrated till she asked what was so frustrating about it. But then I don't really know what my sense of self was before.....seems like anything I've ever really tried to get into tends to be kinda short lived...or I am just trying to pretend to occupy my mind.

But yeah she(the therapist) wants me to try and get my sense of self back with her help, but I don't know what that would be....I mean what if deep down inside I'm a nasty person but I've just felt so vulnerable, powerless and pathetic its driven me to be 'nice' to people just so i don't piss anyone off. I mean I just don't know what to do if I come to a revelation like that since as of now I feel my intentions are mostly pure......can't say I've never been misleading but its not something I enjoy. She said the other idea was to just decide who I want to be and be that, but its hard when I simply don't really know.

I don't know who I am either. Like I have amnesia and only have the here and now. Ok with it right now but often times it sends me down down.

When someone is experiencing PTSD, their "conscious mind" is working "overtime" because they are not just processing daily events and interactions coming in from the exterior world, they are also processing events and interactions from the "unconscious or subconscious mind" at the same time. And what they are dealing with is "all unresolved" and if they have a history of trama, abuse, neglect, or unresolve in their past, it brings "extra" stress. When this happens the "anxiety" level rises which ofcourse brings on feeling tired and depressed as well as a feeling of an inablitiy to work or participate on a normal level of day to day function. And because other people do not understand this challenge, and it really is so very difficult to explain, the person who is struggling begins to want to isolate more an more and also begins to feel they are "somehow a failure" as well. DO NOT GIVE INTO THIS FEELING, IT WILL GO AWAY WITH TIME.

Wow, this is exactly how I feel about me being- sort of- occupied with more than the thing that´s actually going on rightnow. But I couldn´t have put it this well.

Thank you!

Well, Hellion, and others here, the lost feeling, "I don't know what I want anymore" is common for those that struggle with PTSD. And that is all connected to "feeling so unconnected and overwhelmed".

It is also "normal" to not really be able to "self identify" as well, because that cannot come until "the pile of confusion" is sorted through, and each person is different depending upon what history they have that has resulted in their PTSD.

It is "ok" to be confused, it is actually "normal" to PTSD. But that doesn't mean that the person suffering is forever doomed to struggle like this.

I think of where I was last year, well, I was completely "derailed" and confused. I spent a lot of time here at PC and I had a tremdous amount of "empathy" for others and I spent a lot of time making efforts to "problem" solve. I seemed to be able to "help everyone" but myself. At the same time I was doing a tremdous amount of "research" on PTSD as well. I was also drawn to anything I could "learn" about the brain as well. I also found a need to find a way to "discribe" PTSD constantly. My brain was truely working "overtime" in trying to understand "why" I was so challenged.
LOL, I was not "just" doing therapy, I brought in many different articles and information to my "therapist" to discuss.

If you notice I have my "mood" as being "frustrated", I have yet to change that.

My therapist told me that many of his patients come to him to be spoon fed and they "depend" on him from one session to the next that way. However I am not like that, I was attacking it, pulling it apart and actively and even agressively learning and doing my homework. But there were many times when I was truely "exhausted" by it.

My therapist kept telling me about the "stages" and for a whole year I was squarely in the first stage, which is the hardest. Yes, it is a very "lost and far away place for a while". Now, I am "squarely" in the second stage which is "mourning" but I still have times where I fall into that strange "spin" and feel overwhelmed, but not as bad or as many days. I can "see" where I have "gained" now, whereas I could not see it before. I am on "no" medication now, whereas before I was on Klonopin. I chose to wean myself off the Klonopin and try to "battle the anxiety" on my own. I have noticed that I am doing better at that, I still have some difficult days, but I have more days of "feeling balanced" than I have in a long time.

I still have "strong reactions" to certain situations. I allow myself to "express what comes forward". And it has been very "helpful" doing that here because I have come to realize that, yes, there can be a strong "urge" to express at length sometimes. When I express it and then calm and revisit it, I can see whatever I might have not been able to "consciously control" at the time. The "healing" always "comes" "after" with PTSD.

A challenging part of PTSD is what I call the "pop up" responses where I get triggered, and anger comes forward or some kind of "strong feeling" comes out. I have "learned" that when I allow myself to "observe' and "pay attention" and trace it back, I always make gains. I just made a conscious decision that when that happens I would not let myself feel "bad" or "embarassed" about whatever comes forward. And once I pay attention and see what it was all about, I learn from it and "validate" wherever it came from and it "really helps".

I have realized that I have had a lot of things that hurt me in my life.
I never realized that I just storred so much and it was going to come back out like this. I have a "lot" of anger I never dealt with as well and I realize that it really "is not my fault" either.

I talk about "self love" and that is "so important" in working through "PTSD". One of my constant utterings was/is "I am sorry".
I have realized that I have to stop appologizing for having a challenge that is really not my fault. As I remind myself of that, I also remind others as well. Feeling safe, is more about "gaining and feeling safe with self" and "settling into self and giving self permission to keep growing and learning, "in spite of whatever bad, was, its or will be".

Open Eyes