[azizaAkos]

I'm not sure.. I feel kinda bad asking this because I know some have been through a lot more then I have.
Can you tell me if this sounds like PTSD. I'm going to give just limitedf details because it's incedably hard to talk about.
I can remember the date very well when normally I am horrible with dates or numbers.
It was involving a great betrayal my husband did. It caused my life to downwardly spiral panic attacks got much worse I was isolated no car no friends in a new area because we were suppose to be moving and he had not yet moved in nor did he. I attempted sucide clearly failed. I lost as I can only describe as large part of my family members they were my pets that were supposed to be move the following da that he sold to slaughter many I raised from the time they were born never found out what happened to some. I have nighares well over a year since its all happened. Writing this my anxiety and anger are getting higher and higher. Some of the phone calls and days and weeks that followed are just a blur and I can't remember clearly. I feel a extreme anger towards myself for not being able to stop what happened and that I didn't know what would happen. Even to this day I sometimes think I deserve to die because of what happened. I am angry with my husband for what he did, his trying to lie his way out of it then threatening me but I think more hurt and shattered.
I'm not sure if it's PTSD like I said. I didn't see them taken or killed. But I certainly have nightmares.

[Open Eyes]

Hi (((azizaAkos)))),

Welcome to PC, oh, hun I am so sorry that you were challenged like that. I can relate to what you are discribing and how much of the "guilt" is there as well. You have to let yourself "let go" of that hun, you had no way of "predicting" all of that or being able to respond in some better way that could have "changed" the outcome.

I am not a therapist or psychiatrist so I cannot diagnose you, but what I can say is that some of the challenges you are discribing "can" be PTSD. I really think you should find a therapist that can help you with all of this, you can't do it alone hun, and it will get much better with "therapy and time". Please do "not" harm yourself or blame yourself hun, you really "can" work through this and find your way to regaining your personal strength back again.

((((Big supportive Hugs for you))))
Open Eyes

[Torani]

My counselor tells me that PTSD can happen from any event that is traumatic to an individual person. I have been diagnosed however talking things through with a counselor has been soooo helpful to me... I also am trying EMDR.

I to have had a downward spiral the past two years and suffer from depression as a result. I am doing everything I can to get to feeling better again. Thats my biggest priortiy. I joined this forum for support to..

You have been through alot! I feel for you, hang in there, big hugs...

[azizaAkos]

I just hate myself so much. I've had others tell me also that I couldn't of prevented it or have know but I just feel so so horrible and sick. It was my responsibility to protect them and I failed horribly. What's worse it was my husband that caused it to of happened. I get angry at him then I feel horrible about being angry at him. I have no problem at being angry at myself but he told me I'm wrong for being angry at him and I so afraid he's right that maybe I should forgive him but I can't and I really don't want to. What he did was the worse possible thing he could have done to me. I feel like its all my fault because he had slowly become crueler towards me over time and maybe I should have seen this coming somehow but I thought he was better then this that even if he wanted to hurt me he wouldnt of used to animals to do so.
I can't even think about the animals and what happened without totally breaking down. I want to think of them and love the time I had with them so what is so wrong with me that I can't do that? I am so mad at myself because instead of remembering the good all I can think about is how afraid they must of been and how they must if thought I didn't love them and that I abandoned them. I feel so bad it should have never of happened I should of never of trusted my husband. I don't think it's right I'm still here and they aren't I miss them do so much. It hurts so bad. They were so important to me. I feel like my heart has been ripped out.
I still have my dogs that is the only reason I have made it this long I think. I can't even write this without sobbing I heard this quote the other day it said that if you not careful the thing you love may kill you. I think that is certainly possible.
I will have to go through a divorce and all of this will come up I'm so afraid. I barely survived this I don't know how to get through talking about it in court in front of him and a room full of strangers I don't even know how I can talk to my lawyer about it. I have blocked out so much of it while I remember initially finding out the few weeks following I can't remember well. If I can't write about it without falling apart I have no idea how I can survive a court room. I am talking to a therapist but again I haven't been able to really bring this up and I'm afraid I will totally freak out and fall apart and get sent to the hospital or something.
What is EMDR? It's good to know what your counselor said and that there maybe a name for how I'm feeling

[Open Eyes]

((((azizaAkos))),

I totally understand "exactly" how you feel and the challenge of feeling "guilty" too.
I suffered a lot of loss to animals I really loved and I blamed myself because I didn't catch on to what was happening until it was too late. And I was so torn up that like you I didn't think I could explain it to my lawyer or express the depth of it in a courtroom either. I am still involved in a lawsuit and it has been such an incredible challenge for me too. I could not even touch my files on all the damage, my brain would just "shut down" and I didn't understand why.

This is going to take you time to work through, it took me time as well. I could not focus on the "good times" with my lost animals either because it only made the guilt and grieving worse. I didn't know what to do with all the "anger" either. I was such a mess. It really took me time to "let go of the personal guilt".

I finally had to realize that there really was no way I could have known. I just didn't and it wasn't my fault. But it really was not "easy" to "forgive myself" and get to where I am now.

Please give this time, you have to slowly allow yourself to let go, and it does take time. You just don't know how to do that right now, I didn't either.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes