[Alishia88]

I used to study professional dance. Before trauma, I was still ME inside and dance was what I DID. I had control over it. Not the other way around.

After trauma it changed in that, strangely my whole sense of self melted with dance. I became dance. There´s no "me" in the centre that controls my body and dance. I AM just my moving body. Does that make sense?

I am not seperate anymore, though I try to be and feel ME seperate from dance so badly. Because i know it´s the only way to be truely in control again and enjoy it and improve. To feel that it is ME doing it.
The one, that controlled, decided over, enjoyed and felt and wanted dance, she´s gone.
I´m just the moving body.

It´s really scary and SO frustrating because there´s still something inside of me that yearns for dance so badly. But I´m unable to really enjoy it, really feel it, because I don´t feel myself.

I know noone can diagnose this. I just like hearing your thoughts on it.

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you went from being a person who "needed" a lot of "control" to a person who "lost all control". Are you in "therapy" right now?

It is not such a bad thing to "crash and burn" believe it or not. It can be worse to go through a whole life "maintaining narcisism". No one can be in "full control" or even be "perfect" we are all just human and a good dose of "empathy" and "allowing for human error and imperfection" is not such a raw deal.

Every human being has some degree of "narcisim" to them, we have to have that to thrive to a certain point. And some of the other issues you have in your about me are also there in all "humans". When we use the term "disorder" it means that we are "too much" of certain psychological manerisms and it becomes "unhealthy" and interferes with a "balanced life" for ourselves as well as having the ability to interact and "get along with others".

You can "still" enjoy dance in a sense of self, but you have to get to a point where you "don't have the be the best" in order to "succeed, fulfill, and enjoy".

You need to have a "good therapist" that can help you figure out where this imbalance came from and to help you find your way to "allowing to thrive" without having to "be the be all and end all" and thinking that is the only way to be "appreciated or respected somehow".

For example, I am the "opposite" of a narcisist, I tend to put "others" before self too much, too much empathy on my part. But I am also "strong willed" which leads to my being "misunderstood". Ugh, I have to learn to "give self a break" and "be ok to take care of self". I crashed too, and so I know the challenge, even though I have different underlying issues than you. The bottom line is we are only "both" human and it is "ok" to self examine and work towards a healthier mindset.

Open Eyes

[Alishia88]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It sounds like you went from being a person who "needed" a lot of "control" to a person who "lost all control". Are you in "therapy" right now?

It is not such a bad thing to "crash and burn" believe it or not. It can be worse to go through a whole life "maintaining narcisism". No one can be in "full control" or even be "perfect" we are all just human and a good dose of "empathy" and "allowing for human error and imperfection" is not such a raw deal.

Every human being has some degree of "narcisim" to them, we have to have that to thrive to a certain point. And some of the other issues you have in your about me are also there in all "humans". When we use the term "disorder" it means that we are "too much" of certain psychological manerisms and it becomes "unhealthy" and interferes with a "balanced life" for ourselves as well as having the ability to interact and "get along with others".

You can "still" enjoy dance in a sense of self, but you have to get to a point where you "don't have the be the best" in order to "succeed, fulfill, and enjoy".

You need to have a "good therapist" that can help you figure out where this imbalance came from and to help you find your way to "allowing to thrive" without having to "be the be all and end all" and thinking that is the only way to be "appreciated or respected somehow".

For example, I am the "opposite" of a narcisist, I tend to put "others" before self too much, too much empathy on my part. But I am also "strong willed" which leads to my being "misunderstood". Ugh, I have to learn to "give self a break" and "be ok to take care of self". I crashed too, and so I know the challenge, even though I have different underlying issues than you. The bottom line is we are only "both" human and it is "ok" to self examine and work towards a healthier mindset.

Open Eyes

Hey Open Eyes,

thank you for replieing. So you don´t think it came from trauma?
Because there´s another aspect that could be responsible.

Soon after Dads death, I wanted to switch to a better different school in a different city and move out. My mother strongly disapproved and yelled
at me I couldn´t do anything right, basically, that I´d never make it.
Live and be on my own and not as a dancer.

That could have been a turning point, too for me to go from: I love doing this and I want to go further to: I absolutely MUST succeed and be perfect- maybe..

[Open Eyes]

Well, there is nothing wrong with having a "desire to succeed". Often a motivator can also be when others tell you that you "wont get there", for some that brings out even more determination.

There is nothing wrong with being "determined". A top coach will say that it isn't always those that have the natural ability that make it, it is those that have the "genuine drive" that tend to be the successes.

It sounds like you have a mother that doesn't "believe" in you. I don't know where the "narcisistic" diagnosis comes from, some therapists misdiagnose that. You "could" have some trama there, I can't diagnose you and I don't know you enough or have enough of your history or even how old you are etc.

But, a "broken spirit" can be mended, so keep working at it. I hope you have a good therapist to help you with that. You only live once so if you "love to dance" then dance and "make sure you enjoy it".

Open Eyes

[Alishia88]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Well, there is nothing wrong with having a "desire to succeed". Often a motivator can also be when others tell you that you "wont get there", for some that brings out even more determination.

There is nothing wrong with being "determined". A top coach will say that it isn't always those that have the natural ability that make it, it is those that have the "genuine drive" that tend to be the successes.

It sounds like you have a mother that doesn't "believe" in you. I don't know where the "narcisistic" diagnosis comes from, some therapists misdiagnose that. You "could" have some trama there, I can't diagnose you and I don't know you enough or have enough of your history or even how old you are etc.

But, a "broken spirit" can be mended, so keep working at it. I hope you have a good therapist to help you with that. You only live once so if you "love to dance" then dance and "make sure you enjoy it".

Open Eyes

"I don't know where the "narcisistic" diagnosis comes from, some therapists misdiagnose that."

I´m really confused... I didn´t say I was diagnosed with narcism...
You brang that up. My therapist hasn´t said anything about it.

I´m confused too, what about my post made you think of narcism?

And if it´s true. Does that mean I´m really a lot worse than I think I am?

Because I already feel very low

I just meant before, that I don´t have a sense of self and I feel more like a body

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Alishia88

"I don't know where the "narcisistic" diagnosis comes from, some therapists misdiagnose that."

I´m really confused... I didn´t say I was diagnosed with narcism...
You brang that up. My therapist hasn´t said anything about it.

I´m confused too, what about my post made you think of narcism?

And if it´s true. Does that mean I´m really a lot worse than I think I am?

Because I already feel very low

I just meant before, that I don´t have a sense of self and I feel more like a body

Alishia, you have that listed in your "about me" profile #5. That is what I was referring to, who diagnosed that? That was my question, I am not diagnosing you here, just going by what you have listed hun.

I am more concerned with you getting back on track.
(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[unaluna]

hi alishia, I liked your other post about your mom too, but it was too scary for me to answer. these posts give me more insight, namely that it is okay for me to say: why do you have to tell her anything? i'm not explaining anything anymore, she can't understand. i've always thought, why am I casting my pearls before swine? hard to think of your mother that way. it IS normal to want a healthy reponse from her - that doesn't mean you're going to get it. "taking responsibility" for your actions now means doing what YOU want to do, without her approval or help, which is very scary.

what you said about in this post though, makes me think that dancing has become a natural part of you, not something you do, but something you ARE. That's why you don't feel separate from it. it's a good thing, not a bad thing, I guess, depending on how you look at it. after seven years, 10,000 hours of practice, you become a master, according to the old rules. dance may be different, but there probably is some similar turning point.

[Alishia88]

Hey OpenEyes, omygod, that must have looked pretty paranoid, I´m sorry
Yes, right. I put that up a while a go before I really got started with therapy. So I think I just read about it and thought some things actually fit well.

Yes, hankster, I´ve learned too that to get out of that trap, I need to stop explaining myself stop "needing" approval from her and trying to changer her mind.

This is really hard for me, because, what she said back then, hurt my innerst feelings and beliefs about myself SO much.

I noticed how incredibly much my perception of myself and what I "wanted" has changed. I was driven and hardworking before,but I was not a perfectionist in that way.
I compared myself with my individual past successes, not in the eyes of perfection.

[Open Eyes]

Oh, thats ok, but you shouldn't put up a "diagnosis" that you only "think" you might be. Remember everyone has "some" narcisitic qualities to them, it is how we survive.
So, when you read things, remember that there are "some" things in all people, it becomes a disorder when it is "too much" and becomes a problem that interfers with a person's life.

I understand that when a mother shows "disapproval" or "lack of entusiasm" for something a "child really wants" it is normal to be hurt. But you have to do what "you" really want in your life and if you "really want" to dance, then you should continue to "pursue" that.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[Alishia88]

Yes, you´re right.

I know, OpenEyes, but it´s really difficult, if you cannot really do it for yourself anymore, because there´s no self left. Weird as it sounds.

It is like I don´t know where I end and dance begins.

I feel like I am just a puppet in "ballet´s play".

I really hope that will change