The Big Challenge

((((OE)))) I came back to my post to edit / delete it now that I have calmed down. My anger, feelings, words were / are ugly and spiteful and I regret writing them. You are correct about the snakes... and about not sabotaging myself.

Seeing that they are doing the best they can with what they know and is familiar to them...throwing money at the problem to keep things at bay. I would rather receive an "I/we understand. I / we are so sorry. We have hurt you so much and damaged you" any day. But that will never come.

What I am afraid of, though, is the strings that come with the "help" and the keeping their conscious clean and patting themselves on the back for the "help" that they are offering.

That is what they have done my whole life. Starving me of emotional support and empathy and understanding. Really celebrating and seeing me and supporting me. Somehow, I think my success and moving away was perceived as some kind of threat to my mother....weird.

Her/them then gleefully holding power over me by withholding until I am an empty shell. Like a person denied water...and then giving them just enough to survive, and then congratulating themselves for their generosity. Absolving them of their sins. And then turning their backs again.

I am grateful to get out my anger here. I am not angry anymore. Now just at a crossroads...

I would never do anything to purposely hurt them. It's not who I am. I see the bigger picture. I have always been a kind, caring, creative spirit that wanted acceptance and nurturing (like my siblings), but never received that from them. It is all I ever wanted and never received. Just abuse, jealousy, withholding, separation and being made to feel as if I wasnt good enough. And never would be. No matter what I accomplished.

But it doesnt matter anymore because I am not a victim. I also am not a user (that is why it is so hard for me now to accept their kind of support).

Oh, btw, totally spot on about the French guy...you are right in that he is just passing down what he knows / was told /absorbed.

"I would never do anything to purposely hurt them. It's not who I am. I see the bigger picture" quote Rose

Rose, I know that, I understand you were just very angry and letting it out. Its ok to do that, it helps to be able to release that anger, so its ok, you don't have to erase it, you can have it here to reread and think about. It is a good way to study how you react. It will help you see it and when you do that, you learn and remap better, so it is perfectly fine. Make sure Rose that the "urge to erase" isn't an effort to erase that you are angry or hurt, don't deny yourself that. Often we learn to do that in our past, and it is healthier to let some things lay and be out there, because we should not allow ourselves to "hide our true feelings of hurt". You did it in the right place, a place where you can get validated, so that is fine and good for you.

Rose, it is not just about seeing the "big picture', it is also finding ways to accept it emotionally as well. And that really takes time. It is a big part to the remaping that you are working on. How to think about things, in a new way and connect to these new revelations emotionally as well.

What it is alot like is as if your mind is a computer that picked up some viruses along the way, and these viruses have been interfering with how your mind has been able to work for you. So basically what you are doing is slowly getting rid of these viruses and doing some "reprograming" that helps your mind run smoother. But it is a timely process, and the more you do it the better you will feel. However the brain, unlike the computer has emotions that are attached so it takes longer to make the slow adjustments. As you keep working at it through Rose, you will notice you will also slowly feel better as well.

Patience is the key. You just had a cycle Rose, and part of the observing is in observing "self" now. Paying attention to the "whys" will help you learn how to slowly reduce the effects of the cycles to eventual balance. As you keep working on this, your times of dealing with the cycles that get so exhausting will ease up as well, because you have been doing the work you need to in order to correct it all slowly. Hey this takes time, but as you keep going along with this you will keep gaining. Just make sure you keep "observing" and don't let yourself fall into the "dread" as much. You can do this.

Open Eyes

" I have always been a kind, caring, creative spirit that wanted acceptance and nurturing (like my siblings)quote Rose

Yes, this is "you" Rose, as you truely know and feel yourself. Very good to know self this way. You can remember this "you" that is your core.

, but never received that from them. It is all I ever wanted and never received. Just abuse, jealousy, withholding, separation and being made to feel as if I wasnt good enough. And never would be. No matter what I accomplished."quote Rose

Ok, this is your "core problem" Rose, and this is "not your fault" but you tend to go to this when you are hurting. You are angry about this, but you also allow yourself to accept defeat because of this.

This is a common problem for those that struggle with self esteem, and their core as well when they struggle with PTSD.

What you are doing is you have been "angry", but then you get that deep feeling of hurt, you are "grieving" this Rose. And in healing with PTSD, this does take place, recognizing what you have "lost" and expressing the "grieving process" over this loss.

However, Rose, at this point in your life, you are also going to understand "why" this happened, that it is not "your fault" and that it is more of a result of how the people who raised you truely did not know "how to nurture you properly so these feelings didn't take place in you".

Knowing the why has to not only come from seeing these people for who they are and what the do not know how to do. But to also allow yourself to also understand this emotionally.

"Her/them then gleefully holding power over me by withholding until I am an empty shell. Like a person denied water...and then giving them just enough to survive, and then congratulating themselves for their generosity. Absolving them of their sins. And then turning their backs again. " quote Rose

Ok, there is a lot of anger here for you Rose, do you see that? Once you accomplish the steps to healing from the above, this will not bother you anymore.
This is "their issues" and "not yours".

"But it doesnt matter anymore because I am not a victim. I also am not a user (that is why it is so hard for me now to accept their kind of support)." quote Rose

First part is good self talk, very good, but you still have to work on the first two things to get that truely remaped in your mind.

No, you are not a "user" you are "different from them" however, you do have to consider "your needs" here. And you do need to have a plan to get to where "you" need to be as a person. So, if these people are "offering" you help to do that, it might be to "your benefit" to consider it.

You are a single woman struggling with PTSD, you have talked about how these people have "hurt you" as well. So, if these people were supposed to nurture you and didn't, and the only thing they "can" offer is financial help, then I think that you should "consider taking the financial help".

What you have to consider Rose, is "your needs" and how you can find a way to help "you" and not allow yourself to "feel all the things above".

Ofcourse the ideal would be if you could "self help" all on your own, but if you cannot do that, then it is ok to accept funds to do so. You are not "using them" unless you are "like them" which we both know you are not. Allowing them to financially help you is not the same as being like them.

Take some time and sit down and make yourself a list of what you need to help you get therapy and also get yourself on a path to finally be free of them and their strings.

We know what Rose will not get from these people, we also know they simply do not know, nor did they ever know how to provide Rose with that. So Rose has to take time and figure out what "Rose wants or needs to finally become independant from these people". We do not have a very good economy right now so you have to think about and plan for that too. But it should be striving for indepence for you Rose. You do have your own "assets" Rose and you are now on a path to take these assets and "with some financial help" take steps to help you go down this path.

It is not about using, it is about surviving and thriving. Take some time to think things through. I understand this is a challenge. I can understand you could feel that taking financial help from them is giving them permission to abuse you somehow. But you do not have to allow yourself to go there emotionally. You have to consider what you need to survive right now. If you have to use some snake venom to save your life, well then so be it.

Open Eyes