The Big Challenge

Thank you very much for this thread and all the posts. It made me realize that the accumulated experiences from different situations can cause PTSD. From childhood bullying, social isolation throughout school and having felt guilt from being alive despite others being dead. I can' t deny those episodes were not dealt with properly so I could have healed. So, it is good not to doubtful anymore and know much of it was denial.

I feel as though I am folding into myself again. I try to set boundaries and there are people that do not respect, trample all over them. It hurts very much. I tried to speak on the phone with a ny colleague about an impt schedule for this week, and she dismissed what I was saying, made things up out of thin air, and while I was responding, hung up on me. She reports to my brother. I could almost hear my brother next to her saying, "just hang up on her".

Dear Rose, I'm so sorry this is such unrelenting pain for you.
This sounds like a partial or complete family business. Is there any way you could find a job,
maybe in another state? To cut out all dealings with them.
You have such potential, don't waste it where it's not appreciated & you can't advance.
Just something to think about.
Thinking of you, keep posting.

((Rose))),

I really hear you, and I have been getting quite a dose of similar kinds of messages myself. I know how hard it is to keep from "folding into yourself" when this happens too. And in ways I am dependant on my husband, I could not support myself right now, and that plays into my deep sense of self worth and even "insecurity" or even guilt. My husband can be hard on me and he has some old bad habits that trigger me, and when he is tired, I become a target often too. And that triggers me to the depths of me, story of my life really.

There is a big challenge when someone who struggles with PTSD is addressing a "group" of people that "gang up somehow" in their "complete ignorance of how they are hurting the PTSD sufferer". I know what you are feeling right now, and I also know how lonely and exhausting it can be.

This is when you have to take lots of "time outs" and really give yourself a chance to slow down your mind and release the anxiety build up that takes place. You have to allow yourself to dig deep, know that you do struggle with PTSD and that it is "you" that has to self protect, inspite of how others treat you badly. I know this is very difficult Rose, I struggle with this constantly. I am actually having a really difficult day today myself because I had two days of challenge and it just wore me out.

If you need to take medication to help you through this, do so, but be responsible with it. You have to make sure that you remind yourself that you have learned a lot and you have been gaining, and no matter what these people are doing, you are going to remind yourself that you "do" have skills and you "can" be strong as a person. You do not have to accept the anxiety they push at you, you are going to slow down and think about making some positive changes in your life and work towards looking for a better surrounding for yourself.

Remember that you do have friends at PC that understand this challenge and we are all here to help you keep focused.

With that in mind Rose, I do know you want to "run" right now. But you have to step back, self sooth and slow down and make some plans for this. And it "is" going to take some time, and in the meantime, you are going to have to work on taking as much opportunity you can to "avoid conflict" and be a bit passive right now. I know that is hard, but you have to do whatever it takes until you can find that pathway out and forward for yourself, and it "will" come, but you have to be patient.

I have been helping my daughter with this kind of situation and she has called me in tears quite few times. And I keep her focused on slowing down and to just take it slowly for a while.

Rose, somewhere inside you, you have to make your mind up that it is time to trust and make some plans for some kind of new adventure that is better for you. And do whatever helps you to accept and calm and trust.

Today is Sunday, get rest and distract and don't let yourself "project". Keep working on that every chance you get Rose, and you can always come and vent here when you need the support to keep focusing on slow deep breaths and baby steps.

((((Very gentle quiet hugs, easy, take it easy Rose))))
Open Eyes

Rose, as hard as this is right now, you actually have more than your realize. We have talked about what kind of people you address with your mother and brother right? Well, remember that I also told you that "they don't know they have this problem?"
This is something "you" have learned that they do not know about.

What this means Rose is that you now know what makes "them" tick, and you have to realize that it is "you" that has to be the one to learn how to opperate around this "kind" of person. The one thing you cannot do is "challenge them" because they are going to do whatever they can to push you down and make themselves "feel better".
So, instead of "you" fighting, you have to do what they "need" which is to be "admired" but that doesn't mean you have to actually admire them.

Think about this, I have to go and take care of a customer and then I will come back and add to this.

Open Eyes

Ok, customer gone, back to Rose.

Rose, you have learned a lot and you have really made a lot of gains too. I think that you have come to a point where you have recognized "your" needs more and you have been learning how to "take care of you" as well.

Well, I made a lot of gains myself, and for a long time I could not be around my family, especially not my sister. I just kept working on understanding PTSD and how to help myself first. PC helped me a lot with that too, because I learned how to identify my triggers when they happened and also how to work through them as well.
And without realizing it, over time I was building up skills at the same time.

When my father fell ill and I had to be around my sister, I didn't know if I could. But to my surprise I did pretty good and then I got to a point where I could actually talk to her as well. I could even sit with her "live" and talk and the whole time I did that I was talking to her like I have talked to others at PC. Instead of seeing her as some big bad scarey, I learned I didn't have to let that happen and I had actually "gained" ability to handle the way that PTSD kicks in and takes over. It was still a challenge for me because I really saw all her "controlling" ways and issues when I talked to her, but I opened myself up to just "observing" and learning and "accepting" verses "reacting".

I know you have had some big "dissapointments" and you have been learning "why" and you have also been slowly learning about "victim mentality" as well. That has more to do with how you "accepted' bad treatment in your past and worked around it somehow. And once you begin to understand it, it can present anger and confusion too because you begin to realize the "reality" and yes, people who abuse are "selfish" and manipulative, and often other people do bow down to them and "believe them" or empower them, will even defend them even. Well, that is "their problem now" and not yours. You are going to rise above all that.

That is what you were seeing in the conversation where you realized the tone of the other woman, who knows and works with/for your brother. And you are seeing how your brother has been handling "his problem" which was that he "lied" to you. So now you are feeling "outnumbered" and right now that has aggrivated your PTSD. Okay, now you have to take some deep breaths, that is "politics" and you are going to now work around that.

Unfortunately these "other people" are not going to get it, understand it, or give you the respect you need from them and that you genuinely struggle with PTSD and that is a real challenge for you. So, you are going to have to be the one that has to learn how to overcome this difficult situation. This is a challenge for someone who struggles with PTSD because people really "should know how hard PTSD is". But you can learn how to overcome that too, and you do have others that do understand you that you can lean on here.

What you have learned about your brother and mother is that they are the kind of people that "need to be adored" and unless they get that, they disconnect and discard. They do not know how to "empathize" or understand people who genuinely struggle, they are way too shallow for that.

My feeling is that you need them right now on some level because you are not yet in a position where you can just "break clean" and go off on your own. And while you have lots of advice to do that here, you don't have the means to be able to do it.

So because of this, you are feeling very "unsafe" and "trapped" and that is never good for people with PTSD. You "can" work around that Rose, but you have to be willing to give, even if it feels uncomfortable for you. You are going to experience other people in your life path that are like your brother and mother so you might as well practice dealing with that now.

I know you don't have a T right now, so let me share my T's advice with you. My T told me that it is hard for people with PTSD to take that leap to "self empowerment", however once they start to work on it, they slowly begin to make more gains and do even better at managing the PTSD as well.

What you are going to have to do now, is give your bother and mother what they want. Now, I know that this is hard and triggery, however, this time you will know that it is the only way to work around them. And your goal now is to find a way to get things to calm down so you can get to the next step where you can begin to look for your "out" from this situation. Rose, this is not "using" or allowing yourself to be abused either, it is doing what you need to do until you can find your way "away" from these people.

You are going to have to find a way to get your brother out of the "defensive" mode and give in to making him think you "adore" him again. And I really know that is hard, but it is all "he" is receptive to. And you will have to "pretend" that what you do now for work, is ok and you will handle it and find a way to "appreciate it". Even if you are dissappointed with what you have found out. This is "not" about you being "unworthy" Rose, either. You are going to change that, that is your goal, but you have to have a plan.

Your goal now is to get this situation back to you just working and having a job, so, that you can begin to look for another place to set up and get yourself on a path "away" from these "toxic" people.

Rose, this is exactly what my daughter had to do while she made her plans for her exit from her "toxic" boyfriend. And she is "still" having to do this and it "aint easy" but as she is making this exit she is slowling seeing some future positives coming into her path as well. And this process for her includes 'greiving" and being very brave at the same time.

This is when I wish I could be in your physical presence, because I can see that is one thing you do need. But, I am here and so are your other friends, and we all know you are smart and capable, so we are all supporting you.

So, what your goal is now is, you have to use that very smart brain and play some "politics" with it and keep reminding yourself to self sooth and give yourself permission to fend off whatever anxiety comes forward. You "will" begin to do better Rose, it is what my T keeps telling me as well, it is the leap that is hard, but once you take it, you will make "more gains" and you will teach yourself how to get stronger at doing it.

Can you think about this Rose, and work on "knowing your brother differently"? You now know what he "is" Rose, you have to now move forward with that knowlege and you can do it. And it is going to be a challenge because he feels threatened and needs to assure his position. This is no longer about love for you, it is you taking care of "you" now. Empowerment is not always about winning the way one would think either, it is about learning how to identify people and working around them inspite of it.

(((Hugs for courage))))
Open Eyes

I am so exhausted and miserable...it is taking everything I have to respond. But I want you all to know I hear you, I do understand what you have written and shared and taken the good advice to heart. I will "adore" "placate" act "subservient" and "submissive" this week while they are here...and figure out next steps after.

I will continue to work very hard, push myself, scramble, and get the job done. With a smile. Totally professionally. Still. Even if it kills me. I will be in these peoples' presence and the only energy they will detect from me is pure adoration and slave mentality. Yes Sir. Yes Madame. Right away. Consider it done. Adoration.

(I already did / planned everything I could with limited info on Friday, so I feel good about that part...everything is all on schedule).

Now, it is just a matter of putting on the Grand Show: facing my abusers and not hiding or feeling less-than or completely humiliated. Standing tall, chin up. No matter how much it hurts.

Thank you Friends

I really wish you guys were here right now

(((Rose))),

Just make sure you don't put yourself mentally into that victim mode. You have to make sure you are not doing this to "give in" and "serve'. All you are doing is managing things while you get yourself together and make a plan for "you". This is not at all about "giving in" make sure you know that Rose, this is more about seeing what you are dealing with and empowering yourself to move away from it all. That is the goal here. You are better than this atmosphere, and in order for you to grow tall and blossom you have to work on getting away from the weeds, that "is all" .

This is as though you got bit by a snake, and it poisened you. Well, you have now learned about this kind of snake and how to repect it so you don't get bitten again.
It isn't about allowing the snake to keep biting you, it is about learning how to live in a world with these kinds of snakes and that is all. You are certainly smart enough to learn from this Rose. So, make sure you don't tell yourself anything differently.

You are "not" giving in at all Rose, you are simply doing what you need to in order to get Rose "out of the snake pit" thats all. Soooo, ya gotta be a bit of a snake charmer darling. Just a more of "I have now learned" to add to your survival list.

Also Rose, I made more money and built up more business in my 40's then at any time in my life. And I had to really learn about these poisenous snakes many times myself. So if I can do it so can you, cause you have more education and are smarter than me, so I know you can do it.

And we are here for you Rose, you can talk to us whenever you need to talk. And you have quite a few good friends here at PC that are ready to validate you and keep supporting you whenever you need us.
We are here.....

One of the things my T said to me that really sunk in was when he said, observe, allow yourself to observe. And when he said that I had just entered his office completely overwhelmed and exhausted. I was so exhausted that I didn't even know if I was going to have the strength to drive home after the session.

That is when he told me to pay attention to my body and how I was feeling and he had me close my eyes and he directed me to think about the chalk board in my mind.
He told me to write the numbers and erase them and he counted down. When he was finished and asked me to open my eyes, I actually did feel more relaxed and at ease.
That is when he talked about how I have to learn how to pay attention, observe my own body and help myself get rid of the cortizol build up in my system that was draining me so much.

And we also talked about "observing" others, trying to allow myself to observe more verses just "reacting". That session is what helped me get through that hospital visit when my father fell very ill and I had to be around my sister. I was worried because I had not even been able to hear my sister's voice without having my brain just shut down and I literally became incapable of thinking straight. I was so completely confused by that and I could not understand why I managed to do fine around her most of my life and now I would end up having flashbacks and become full of confusing emotions, so much so that I could not even function.

I did not know what to expect when I entered that hospital. The last time I had been in that hospital my mother had a stroke and I had witnessed it and called for help and my sister was very mean to me, blamed me, and even the nurses/staff felt bad for me. And it turned out that it was a mild stroke but because I was with her and acted on what I saw, and they did a cat scan they were able to see that she had experienced a previous stroke that left damage. That sent them on a path of a whole new treatment plan and a better understanding of why my mother was struggling to walk and why she was behaving so strangly as well. The stroke she had suffered previously did some damage to the part of her brain where her motor skills were.

After I experienced that situation, I could no longer visit my parents, nor could I be around my sister or even hear her voice. My own mind only ended up recalling so many times in my life where my sister had control over me, it goes all the way back to when I was just a baby and that began a series of flashbacks that were so challenging and I became so incapacitated and lost.

I didn't have the therapist I have now at the time either, all I had was PC. My entire family was thousands of miles away from having any capacity to understand what I was experiencing. At the same time I was dealing with an attorney that was old, forgetful and constantly forgetting scheduled depositons. I was trying to work in my business because I had so much debt and I had to have a way to feed my horses and ponies. The only place I could even think like "me" at all was PC. Honestly, I was trying so hard to find "me". And any wordage that came at me that sounded like my sister completely incapacitated me.

However, at the same time whenever I was triggered, I tapped away and words came out of me that meant things, things that talked about the years of damage I struggled with and just "absorbed" without realizing it. And everytime that happened I learned things about myself and how much I was hurt in my life in ways I just never realized somehow.

There were times last year that I struggled so much that I had some very dangerous thoughts. And there was a thread that came up that touched on this part of PTSD in PC. And it helped me so much because I began to realize that this was a part of the PTSD that was challenging me and from that I began to realize that when I had those very dangerous thoughts, they would come in strong and then pass.

And those days did come and I was very alone with them and it was a lot of work for me to hang on through them too. None of my family realized how hard I had to work through these days. I did try to tell my husband, however, he just didn't hear me and I knew that because inspite of me talking about it, he continued to leave a loaded handgun in the night stand next to our bed. And for a while I didnt' tell my new therapist, I almost wanted it there because I didn't know if I was going to be able to keep on going with this PTSD going on in my brain. I didn't know if it was going to get so bad that I would not be able to function anymore.

I finally did tell my therapist and that is when he demanded to meet with my husband and talk to him about how bad I really was, that I was really struggling and that PTSD is real and he better stop punishing me for something I could not help. And that made such a big difference to me, because finally, finally, someone was listening to me and BELIEVING ME.

I come here alot and I do try to be here, because I know how lonely it is to struggle with PTSD. I have come a long way since last year, so I know that a person can make progress and gain on it.

When someone says they are very tired, their mind is worn out, they struggle to find a way to think clearly, and they wonder how they are going to make it through that day, or tomarrow, or move forward at all somehow, I know exactly where they are.
My constant answer is to "self care" and be patient and even though it is often such a challenge, you "can" keep making progress.

I started this thread about boundaries because that is a big challenge to people who struggle with PTSD. And it does take time to slowly learn about how to manage your own boundaries. And it is ok to observe yourself, observe others and open up to learning about how to move forward instead of feeling so lost with it.

I had to learn how to be able to see my family members differently myself. It has been a challenge to figure out how to move forward in a way that was different from the way I had managed before when I had "victim mentality" that I didn't understand or realize I had. Not everything I did to manage was bad either. I just have had to learn to look at it in a new way. And I know it isn't easy to really "see" other people in this new way. And yes, it can be really "sad" sometimes too.

The goal is to learn how to finally "see" yourself in this picture. To finally take the time to address your own needs and learn how to give yourself permission to figure out what "you" need and to work on taking the steps to help yourself "get to the kind of life that works best for "you".

This leap that I am working on myself, the leap to "self empowerment" takes time and it doesn't "just happen overnight" either. It is about understanding how you have practiced "victim mentality" and how to finally learn to begin to give yourself permission to finally look at yourself in a new way. And in the beginning of this journey, there will be times of grieving and yet finding a new inner strength to finally allow "self" to rise above it a little at a time.

When I am now around my sister, I do observe and it isn't easy to allow myself to see what I am finally seeing. I am also seeing how I used to fit into the disfunction that took place in my own family. And in that I have to understand that these people are making their own choices and often they do not realize how they confine themselves in some very "unhealthy ways".

And in the mix of my seeing things this way, I am slowly learning how to help myself in different ways "away from the role" I had played in this before. However, I do have to interact with them in ways that they understand, only this time, I am seeing this interacting in a different light then before. And yes, it is often "sad" for me to see the reality of it. But at the same time I am also learning how to "see me" and work on giving myself permission to do what "I" need to do to help "me" and "my mental health". And as I am working on this process, I still have times where I struggle and feel exhausted etc. But at least I am allowing myself to head in a healthier direction. It is going to take me time to gain more personal strength and balance with this process. However, I realize that I am heading in the right direction.

I am trying to help others see this process too, and understand that they have to be patient and it is a challenge, but to keep trying and practicing "self soothing and self care" with each challenging step forward.

((Rose)), when I read your posts of weariness, I know that feeling intimately myself. I just want to tell you that I do understand and to give yourself some space and time to slowly figure this all out. All you are doing right now is just finding a way to be stable until you can get to the next step. You are not giving in Rose, so please don't let your mind spin in that direction. What you have to slowly allow yourself to see is that you can't change other people, you have to see them for who they are and work on "yourself". Sometimes we are not in a position to just "run" and get away from "disfunctional people". And it is easy for others to tell us to do just that. Sometimes we have to "placate" a little until we can figure out or plan our path forward. And you can actually use this experience to learn as well. You can always have whatever you do learn from this to help you in the future. Yes, sometimes we fall into a snake pit and we don't always see it at first, this happens to people all the time, from all walks of life Rose. And yes, that is when you have to know how to be a "snake charmer" to buy you time to climb out of that pit. No, it isn't pleasant and it would be so much nicer if we could just be our honest caring selves and make progress that way. Unfortunately that just isn't the way some people are when we encounter them, they are just "toxic" and we have to learn how to deal with that.

Open Eyes

One huge exhausting trying day down...today, the "fun" begins...my brother is coming. Breathe, observe, do not react. I worked until 10pm last night getting the gallery set up. He will come in today and tear everything down. Because it isn't perfect and to his standards.

Pocket riders, please, for today and tomorrow, please.

Rose you are in my morning prayers. I've been there w/ my H and it is dishearting and hurtful and I know you will hurt but be kind and gentle w/ yourself. You already know he is the one w/ the problem and not you. Best wishes to you today. My prayers are w/ you.

(((Rose))),

Ok, you have to take some slow deep breaths and make sure you don't set your mind up for "reacting". What you just said about "anticipating" your brother stepping all over what you did. Ok, that is a big challenge for someone with PTSD, I really struggle with that myself. So you have to not "plan" your reaction, you have to make up your mind that whatever he does you are not going to allow it to be a personal threat. Remember, you are the one in "control of you" and you don't have to take it the bad way.

Rose, just so you know, I am working on this myself, so I really know the challenge.
I just came off a long weekend and my husband is the kind of man that tends to "talk over" others, especially me. However, I also have a troubled history there as well, so that brings and extra challenge. What other people DO NOT SEE OR UNDERSTAND, is that often it has nothing to do with the CONTENT OR TOPIC but the fact that I am in a situation where someone is "disrespecting my space". And this is all about "boundaries" that get crossed where other people do not realize what it actually taking place. Often what ends up happening is "I am the one that looks like the loon or is over-reacting". And often it is the "content" that other people look at and not the "personal boundary crossing" I am experiencing.

Just so you know Rose, you do have people that do see and respect the fact that what you are about to be challenged with has nothing to do with what is really on the walls, but how your brother will be "testing your boundaries and establishing his".

OK, now, you do know this is going to take place, but you have to understand that what you are going to be challenged with is "your brothers issues, faults, and self esteem problems" and not yours.

So whatever he does Rose, you have to now work on your "skills" and this is not about "giving in", but about you stepping up to the plate and seeing him as a spoiled little child now and "he" is the one that needs the "mothering". You have done this many times with him in your past, so you do know it works with him, you just never realized "why" or how shallow he really is as a person. You did on some level, but you thought that on some level he "understood you" and "cared about you". Now you know he doesn't know how to do that and what he does need from you is "adoration".

What you are about to begin to learn is "self empowerment" Rose, not being "victimized". You just have not gotten to the level of allowing yourself to get past the stage of being bitten. Well, now you are going to do that, and, you are going to become a "snake charmer".

Remember Rose, your brother is the one that is broken and he doesn't really know he is the snake that can be "toxic". YOU have to know it now and practice your abilities to see it and rise above it instead of "absorbing" hurt for something that isn't really "your fault at all".

This is what I had to learn about my sister too. It was a challenge for me Rose because by observing her in a different way, I did see how I suffered from "her" problems unknowingly. But now I am learning to talk to her differently where "I" am the one that has more knowledge about "her weaknesses" and all I do is pretty much give her what she needs because of "her issues". Yes, I had done that alot in my past too, as a victim, but now I don't let myself go there, I now see it differently.

I am learning that I cannot "fix" her problems either, and that "she" only sees "herself" and she often just "cannot see me". A lot of people are like that Rose, and just because people are "unable" to see you and have to be the ones that "need the most adoration", doesn't mean you are going to "be the victim".

So Rose, when you go to work and anyone chooses to pick on your work, you have to step up to the plate and put yourself "above" that person by recognizing that it has nothing to do with the content/work or you, but "their need" and "lack of self esteem". And in doing so, and seeing "their need" because they lack "self esteem" you begin to learn how to become the snake charmer you need to be so you can get yourself slowly out of that "snake pit".

Up to this point Rose, you have always taken the "victim stance" in these situations.
And that was "not" your fault because you grew up around people that "only see themselves and thrive on adoration because they have very fragile self esteem issues".

Once you make up your mind and learn how to "be the snake charmer" you will slowly be taking the steps you need to take to "self empowerment". It is confusing at first because you may think what you are doing is "allowing yourself to be the victim" but you are not doing that now, because you know the game and the snakes now. You might as well practice honing these skills now Rose, because they will come in handy in the future as there are surely a lot of people that are like your brother out there in this world.

It is a challenge when you have PTSD too Rose, yes, I totally understand. But you have to allow yourself to rise above that slowly and as you do, you will also see the PTSD symptoms lesson. And it "will be" babysteps for a while and lots of self soothing and remaping your mind. It is alot like suddenly tieing your shoes in a completely different way, you will have to pay attention to how you do it for a while until you establish that new way in your mind.

So think about this Rose, you are no dummy and I know you are perfectly capable of doing this. It is going to be a challenge but allow yourself to "observe" now. Observe your brother with this new mindset, and observe yourself and you are going to see it all and that path of "self empowerment" will also slowly reveal itself to you.

(((Hugs))))
Open Eyes

Day Over...I only had one incident where I almost fainted while talking to my florist...it was a few minutes after talking with her about my family....I felt that "feeling" come on and she said, "are you ok" and I replied, "yes. just super stressed".

No more family talk ... esp while family is here. It makes things worse.

Tomorrow is the big day, and so far, it seems everyone is more nervous than I am. Interesting. Watching. Observing. Snake Charming.

I start again tomorrow AM at 5, and then it will go all day. Then...Thursday, relief!

I cannot believe I have made it this far. I could NEVER have done it without you.

(((Rose))),

You are going to do ok, yes, you will have little challenges here and there, like the florist, but you are going to be ok, take things as slowly as you can. Make sure you don't tell yourself you are giving up or giving in, that is not what you are really doing.
Do not let yourself adopt an "i am defeated attitude", that is not what you are doing at all here.

I had to learn how to understand this myself Rose, I know it is a challenge, just remember in the back of your mind that you are just learning a new way of tieing your shoes, and that means you are going to have to pay attention for a while until you get to that point where it just comes and flows.

What I can tell you Rose is that this "defeat mentality" is actually pretty normal. I have dealt with this so many times when I taught, and every single time I watch these "defeated feeling children" get to a point where they got over that and a light went off.

I know, without a doubt, that you are smart enough Rose. I know you can do this. Learning how to "give attention or adoration that we are talking about is not a bad thing" Rose. You just have to understand that you wont get the same back and that it only means that the other person is not truely capable of that.
It has nothing to do with "defeat" at all. And this is where the "observing" will help you, it helped me to understand alot as well. There "are" people out in the world that actually "know" how to appreciate others, work as a team and enjoy other people in healthier ways. Those are the people you need to surround yourself with. By observing now, you will learn to see the signs of people who are not the kind of people that are "healthy" for you to be around. When you learn all this, and you look for a new way to have "your life" you will be able to sort through the weeds instead of just landing in another snake pit situation.

((((Hugs))))

Open Eyes

**sigh** Made it through the toughest day this week. Meetings went extremely well, very successful.

I received nice feedback from my colleagues this morning that I seemed "calm and cool" all day yesterday: not stressed out at all.

That is good, because there were a few moments where my observation skills were incredibly tested:

My mother called me at 7AM while I was rushing to the caterer and said she didn't know how to get ahold of me ... and wanted to send me an email. I told her I am where I always am and if anything changed I would let her know - and I was incredibly stressed because of the big meeting and please don't send it until after the day because I could not manage anything else. She said "ok" and we tried to chat for a minute (which was the fatal flaw), and she cut me off and said "I don't want to hear it" and hung up on me.

Then, in the middle of the shoot, some of my colleagues decided to stand around to watch (right in the line of sight of the subject(s) so I had to ask them to move along - and remind the entire office to not linger outside of the area and not make a big deal. *sigh* (we ARE professionals here, right?)

Then, later in the afternoon, it took everything I was made of to: NOT REACT, storm out of here and never come back.

The biggest boss of the company, French guy, yelled at me (for a small miracle I accomplished, and said ***which is real world-land was totally appropriate and called for ***) my work was "stupid". With a French accent. It was like nails on a chalkboard.

Finally, the day ended and I left here last in a daze. Drove home (don't remember much) and went to sleep. Woke up at 3:30a feeling very "hung over". Just running on pure energy for days and nights and then, boom. done. over. I forgot all about these types of days and nights. they used to be fun and without anxiety attacks and fainting.

The boundaries seemed to be working well, though, with my brother. He stayed far away from me and vice versa, except for work-related stuff and spoke to me appropriately. (the other one tag-teamed though when he said "stuuupeeed" )

But all in all, I showed up. I was terrified and feeling incredibly horrible but I showed up.

I truly appreciate all the support and the ideas of observation (snake charming) from you! It helped a lot.

And I have my last appt (forever) tomorrow with my Pdoc (before he retires)

And I have a call in to a T to refer me to another Pdoc - that is NOT $450 for one hour

Boundaries. I had to tell someone today flat out "no". After she completely ignored me the first AND second time(s). She acts VERY entitled.

I AM starting to see things, though, from an observation standpoint and not through my twisted "lenses" on how things should be.

thank you again

Oh I am so glad to hear you got through this week Rose. I can totally understand the presure and now the exhaustion as well. But you did it and you observed and that is good too, very good start.

As far as your mother saying "I don't want to hear it" that is what people say that have "no capacity to truely care" Rose. They do that because they cannot go outside their comfort zone of "the ME, I world they live in". These are "self absorbed" people and they develope ways to "avoid". The other thing they do is, "not now I am very busy" or, "gotta go I have a customer" (and there really is no customer). My father is "always very busy doing something".

This is part of how you have to "observe" people and the kind of messages they give off, messages about "their issues/weaknesses" not yours or really much to do with you at all.

Oh the French guy with his "attitude" well that isn't your fault either, that is just "his bad attitude problem". Don't let these people "stress you" Rose, they are "all" charectors, nothing more. You have just allowed yourself to "absorb their issues" and that has never been "your fault" that is how you were "raised".

What you have to learn to do that can "help you" is start to think of these people as the "charectors in Alice in Wonderland". Actually that story has a depth to it that many people don't "realize". By adapting this "observing" what you are allowing yourself to do is "learn" and that is always very good for you Rose.

Unfortunately from what you have shared about your family atmosphere growing up is that you were around people that never "saw you" and that was "never your fault".
But, you were just a young child/girl what did you know?

People who grow up in a home with a highly "narcisitic" mother, grow up in a kind of stepford house hold. These mothers lack warmth and they don't make genuine contact with their children. They are not far from being given a "medal" mother with absolutely no warmth. What you heard today "I don't want to hear it" is exactly what these mothers do, what they always did, because they have "no true nurturing qualities" to them. And that is why you "hesitate" when you try to reach out with support here, I can see it, but I also know that you truely "empathize" you just never felt you had permission to express it. So, PC is a really good place for you to work on freeing that part of you up and getting more comfortable with it.

Also Rose, even though you struggle with your brother, he is also showing the end result of being raised by your "all about me" mother. So, while I know he has hurt you, have some pitty on him, he doesn't know how to "love and trust" his mother never imprinted that on him.

You are going to be fine Rose, you are going to keep learning, and snake charming, but you will learn that you need to not "absorb" the problems other people have and take that upon yourself. That is from your childhood, so you have to finally understand it and grow past it. And you will, it just takes time.

Lots of self care and patience. Keep observing and learning, it is worth it, good for you.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

(((Rose))),

What I love about my small business is that I am constantly around different groups of people that are interacting with each other. And I really did observe and I truely saw so much. For me it was not that hard (once I had the right animal), because the ones I had to really please were the children. And I spent a lot of time on my presentation so that the children felt a kind of "magic" and "fantacy". And I always focused on each child and chatted with them too. They liked it because I was an adult that was actually "focused on them in a respectful personal way".

However, there were times when I would be around certain children that were not that receptive. And after a while I noticed that alot of that had to do with the parents, especially the mother.

I remember one event where my customers were very wealthy, they just had everything, and one woman had her child with her, and I could tell that she was all about "her" and had the clothes and shoes and appearance and "proper display". But, she looked at me and asked, "I have my child here without our Nanny, what do I do with "it"?

And these children were different, I am usually the "main attraction" and it was clear that these children were so used to having so many things to keep them occupied, that they didn't really interact with me like most children do. And the intimacy with their parents just was not really there either. And I just felt a strange coldness, not really what I am used to seeing.

We all like to "be appreciated" and "respected" as human beings Rose. However, there are lots of people that just don't know how to truely "appreciate" other people.
There are a lot of people who just need to have things and an appearence, to feel like they "fit in" somehow, but they just don't have a true "personal connection", and they simply do not know how to because no one taught them how. And they get very uncomfortable if they are put in a position where they are "asked to have this qualtiy"
about them too. And with your mother, well, she feels that she did "her" job by providing you with the "things that express a sign of affluence and privilage".

These people equate "love" with "providing things" and they truely do not know how to add "personal care" into their environment. They are not the kind of people that could ever truely understand something like PTSD or any real kind of "personal need".
These people spend their time aquiring "things" and what they "think is a must have to have "personal value".

You gave me a big clue when you talked about "not having the real deal in a pair of shoes you had on". Someone complimented your shoes, but you were completely embarassed with a sense of "low worth" because the shoes you had on did not fit into what is considered "a respectible possession of personal worth".

Now, that French man who made those "disrespectful comments"? What he was expressing was his feeling of also feeling he somehow didn't have those "designer shoes" either. In the depths of his mind, he can't seem to obtain some standard that he "thinks" he needs to have a sense of "worth". And it could have come from one simple comment made to him that he took to the "depths of his sense of self worth".

I noticed this about the so called "jet set" at horse shows too. I had a beautiful horse I was training and he looked the part, fit right into the group of very expensive horses that "had designer breeding to them". And I was walking along with him and one of these women had to walk by me and say, "nice little quarter horse cross".
And in this group of horses, they were all pure bread warmbloods and that was what was considered "the real deal" that the jet set just had to "present" and own.
And what she was doing was saying, "I can see you don't have the real deal, not sure but I am going to test you anyway" and "your horse is so beautiful I need to make sure it isn't as nice as what I have here".

What she was trying to imply was that I didn't belong with "the group" because I was not "rich" and "influencial" and she felt a need to "put me down". But the bottom line that "I" could see is that her daughter could only ride horses that were high priced and trained "for her". Her daughter could not ride "really" her skill was all about only being able to "ride the best made up horses". And I know that she "knew that" too so she had to try to make me feel inadequate when it was "her" that felt threatened.

I thought about that interaction, but I didn't allow myself to "take the emotional hit". I "instead" considered that I should appreciate the fact that I was there, competing and winning ribbons and "that was because I had accomplished skills" and had learned how to put myself in that atmosphere because "I" had skills while "others" had to "pay for skills they didn't have nor will ever have".

That French man "absorbs" Rose, and what he has to do is look for others to "blame" and take his "personal frustration out on". He doesn't know how to appreciate himself, and what he can do as a human being, which we call "low self esteem".
So his only way of handling that is to take it out on others. In essense Rose, he wanted to give "you" his problem.

What I noticed in participating in the "horse show world" is that this problem runs rampid. What happens is a parent spends a lot of money to "buy success for their child" and they put pressure on the "trainer" to make sure that happens. In turn the trainer puts pressure on the child, OR anyone who is involved with making that horse do it's job and win. And the poor horse often gets the brunt of that and can end up crippled and mistreated because of that.

And the "show barns" that have these "entiled people" have an atomosphere of who's child is the "best in the barn" and "the favorite of the trainer". There is "no" team work, "no" healthy interaction of the children, it is a very "toxic" environment.

When I talk about "snake pits" this is what I have had to deal with for "years" so I do know how to spot the "wrong barns to be a part of". In fact, it is nice to hear George Morris, the top trainer, talk about how this atmosphere, is not about "real quality horsemanship. The "great riders" are "not these "entitled" people.

In fact, there is a subculture of trainers and riders that do "connect" and only use these "entitled" people and their money, to have a means to "practice and enjoy real horsemanship themselves". And I found these people, they had to "know" that me and my daughter were that special kind of people that could be "included" in that private kind of "subculture".

That is something "you" have to find for yourself Rose too. But you have to be able to see the "irony of these people that are hurting you" and develope the skills to "deal with them" so you can slowly get "away" from them and find people that are much "healthier" to be around. And the more you "do that" the less the PTSD will challenge you.

Does that make sense to you? You "can" learn how to do this and make gains, you are not stupid, you just have to learn to observe things differently.

Open Eyes

For anyone who is working through PTSD and boundary issues, it is important to understand, that it takes time to first understand what PTSD means. PTSD in and of itself is very confusing and people who are challenged by it basically are "very sensitive" and they don't understand "why" but they all become aware that they can easily get triggered and become overwhelmed with anxiety. And the other thing that challenges them is how other people simply do not understand their challenge. So they "do" often feel very alone with it.

However, what people can learn to do is to work on "what areas" they struggle with and slowly work on ways to "remap" their mind around this troubled area. This "process" takes a lot of time and patience. And the reason for that is that each person has to "learn" new ways of dealing with challenges where they slowly gain skills and that also requires learning how to better manage the "emotions" that also just come forward and cause "confusion".

The "cycles" of PTSD are also hard to understand, and the person who struggles always struggles with their brain getting "overworked" and "overwhelmed" and that presents this desire to "run" and want to find some place or safe environment so that they can "settle down" and take a break.

Because this happens, these people often feel like "failures" or that they no longer "know how to be happy" and there is often a very lost feeling that comes over them.
However, if they spend time learning how to help themselves, they will make "slow gains" and have greater lengths of time where they "feel normal somehow".

It takes the brain a long time to "remap" and each person is going to be "different" depending on "how they are challenged". Once the brain developes PTSD, the person is "very sensitive" and it will take time to learn how to "consciously" develope ways to self sooth and self care and be "patient" with one's self.

There is definitely a "slow healing process" for PTSD. And part of learning how to gain on it is to first understand it, and to have the right kind of "understanding support" where the person gains permission to finally learn whatever they need to learn without being "misunderstood or hurt" as they slowly make efforts to heal.

Having PTSD is really no different than having a "learning disability" of somekind and learning how to work around it and also understanding that it truely doesn't mean "failure". It is also always important to understand that just because the person struggling with PTSD has a "lack" of ability to know how to deal with certain issues or challenges or "having others disrespect their boundaries", doesn't mean they are a true "failure".

People with PTSD do have a "heightened sense of awareness" and they have to learn how to understand it and accept that they "will" see things that other people often ignore or do not feel threatened by. By allowing "self" to maintain "self care and keeping an "open mind"", the person who struggles "can" become a deeper and more knowledgeable person overall.

It is very important to maintain a sense of "giving self permission to be patient". To make it a point to make sure that "self" doen't fall into defeat when a cycle does present itself. Instead the person has to understand that with "time and patience" they actually "can" make progress on it and to continue to be "very patient" because "it truely does take time".

Maintaining a "good support system" is a must do. And it is important to find a therapist that is "a good match" where you do feel safe and can get down to getting what you need to work through your PTSD. Being around others that also struggle and understand is a help as well. However, it is important to understand that other people will be struggling too and may show their challenges as well. As time passes and each person makes gains, it will be "easier" to see when others are struggling and offer support and understanding to them as they continue to make efforts to keep gaining as well. That is why I started this thread about this challenging area of PTSD that has to do with boundaries. It is a good way for us to share and support with this very difficult challenge. So far it has been nice to see how we are all making efforts to support each other with this very real struggle with how to "protect our personal boundaries". So anyone who may be struggling is very welcome to talk about their personal challenges in this area. It is all about "learning" for each of us and "thats ok".

Open Eyes

OPEN EYES you are explaining my life again. It brings me to tears as always. What you said about show barns is so true. I used to hate it the little rich girls would show up to the show grounds w/ there trainers and were so into beating each other and everyone else. It was sad to see they took such pleasure in beating others not encouraging one another. I was a poor kid and only got 6 or 8 lessons a year and had to share lessons at that so I could afford them. I'd go tot horse shows though and video tape there warms ups and lessons and take it home and watch it and learn. I mostly learned not to be cold to others, and to love my horse. He was not an animal w/ a number he was my best friend.

Those shows helped make me who I am today. Being ignored by others all my life helped make me who I am today. I don't ignore others. We all deserve to be treated like humans not numbers.

This reminds me of a story. My great grandma at Christmas gave us kids the greatest gift ever. She gave us 5 min of undivided attention. There were only 15 or 20 great grand kids and grand kids. She couldn't give us anything for Christmas, there was just to many of us. She would save her pennies though. Each of us got a dollar in pennies in a small cocktail sauce and 5 min of undivided attention. When I sat on grandma's lap and it was on me I was the most special person ever. What I wouldn't give for my Grandma's hug and 5 min to be her princess now. She's been gone for almost 30 years.

OK enough teary stuff. Thank you for making me think (I think)

(((Big Mama))), that impacted you in your sense of self worth. It impacts a lot more people than you realize too.

I never intended on being in that environment the way I ended up in it. My daughter loved riding and showing and I supported her with that because of how she struggled in school with her dislexia, and didn't have a lot of friends. My goal was to keep her busy, and my journey in that world was a big surprise to me. Talk about learning on the fly, wow, there are some "real charectors" in that world.

There truely are a lot of "snake pits" in that world, and I had to learn to be on my toes. And when I talk about snake charming, I am not talking about "using" other people, I am talking about "surviving" because in that world, everyone is a "commodity" it can be mind boggling to say the least.

And I bought a horse for my daughter because the horse loved her and I felt he was a good horse. The trainer's exact words were "he is not the be all and end all". Well, he sure ate his words. And as soon as he realized it he kept it quiet from me, and he told people the horse was his, and he portrayed me as a rich client. He was playing all the angles. I used to go to the shows and stand and watch my daughter's horse compete and stand next to people that made it a point to watch him. He was winning so much and heading for state and zone champion. I sure learned alot standing fence side with people "money people" who had no idea that "I" owned the horse.

I began to see the snakes in the pit of a farm I was in, and I did charm them until I could get myself out of that barn. I left while that horse was winning and I did risk the championship. We did get the championship but boy did I ruffle some feathers.
However, because I was known to "walk away" somehow that put me in a different category, I was respected more. I was on a whole new level of learning as well.

What I did opened doors to me where I found my way to the kind of people that are not only healthier for me, but for my daughter as well.

I am not the kind of person who can lie and use people, I understand how people sometimes have to do that to survive. But I didn't want to play that game, I wanted my daughter to learn to ride, and she did just that.

My daughter is spending the weekend with another top and well known trainer from California. My husband went with her and called me and said, "well your daughter did it again, she is the star and the trainer is having fun working with her". My daughter stopped focusing on "riding for the ribbons" and understanding that often they are just bought anyway. She focused more on "learning how to ride" and she definitely can ride. I had spent many nights talking to my daughter very similar to how I am talking to Rose.

We can unknowingly choose to be "just a commodity" and think that unless we come home with the "ribbons" we are unworthy. If someone makes a comment to us, that is trying to put us down, we can either listen and absorb it, or make another choice, to learn and do "inspite of these people".

That is why I keep telling you Rose, you do have what you need, you are smart, educated and I have seen you express "passion", it is there. You just have to get past the snakes and understand how "not" to absorb and keep focused on what YOU can do for YOU inspite of the snakes. They are always going to try to bite you, and they just don't care, infact they bite each other too.

Big Mama, you have "talents" too, but you also absorb the issues of "others". You have to learn how you do that and also see your own value, because it is there. And I am here working on that myself. I got bitten really bad and I just didn't understand or ever expect to have to deal with PTSD either. I keep working at it, and I do make gains. I keep reminding myself "remember to keep learning" inspite of this challenge.

Open Eyes

Thank You open eyes. You are a gift. It takes real talent to work w/ horses and be good at it. Not being cruel to them but w/ love and kindness. Anyone who learns these values early on with horses or any animal have such a better chance at figuring out and dealing w/ man kind.

My H is not an animal person. He cannot read a cats body language or persons either. He has no sympathy for an injured do that has been hit by a car. He has no simpathy for man kind. He does not take into consideration the abuse dished out to a horse makes it behave the way it does he doesn't get that about people either. Upbringing and life's situations mold you into who you are. We don't always choose life's situations they choose us and we adjust. My H doesn't get that. I wish I knew his dis like of animals before we got married that would have told me multitudes about his personality. It may have led to different choices on my part. But I made my choices and I have to do the best I can to live w/ them.

Well, Big Mama, not all men are animal lovers, or have developed a bond with an animal. Your husband may not have had the right kind of exposure to that. And not all men understand "broken people" either. That is usually more of what women are designed to do, after all we are the ones that often get stuck with "broken people" right? We are just designed to nurture, most men are not so comfortable with that, they were not originally designed for that tbh.

It sounds like your husband is "trying" though Big Mama. He is going to counceling with you, at least he has made some efforts to make things better or try to understand. Some husbands don't want to even bother.
Gotta give him some points there for trying.
Open Eyes

So, it has taken me a few days to write this because I am still feeling stunned and confused. And also I have been trying to make sense of my Pdoc notes which really threw me. I am still very upset about that.

Re boundaries and triggers and family...so my mother called me at work on Friday morning to discuss what is going on with me and HOW MY PARENTS AND BROTHER WANT TO HELP ME FINANCIALLY. WTF?!!

I am now being offered a monthly allowance again. Apparently, my brother must have told them what happened when he yelled at me in whatever words he choose, but my mother told me she was scared (after our last conversation) and they wanted to help. All of them. She was very calm, listened to what I had to say, did not argue with me or invalidate me or judge me at all. She sounded totally human. They also said the family trust and my car payments would be covered.

She was also giving me all sorts of compliments and praise. Since the press release and the news is all over the media now.

Am I someone she can brag about again? Did my brother tell her what happened when he went off on me like usual but this time was spoken to by hr and told his behavior was risking the company and they could be sued big time for what he did (where no one else that reported the behavior and left as a result could be considered a legal threat?)

That I am not stupid and I do have a legal background and wouldnt hesitate to smear the company name and bring them to their knees....(press and all?)

I am sick and tired of being taken advantage of. And wouldnt hesitate to eff them up big time to protect myself? Even if it is my brother's intl company? That I wont be their freekin family silent doormat any longer? Suffering in silence. That they cannot cover and hide their lies this time and his / their behavior could have far reaching implications?

So, now, after suffering deeply for years without them caring one bit, suddenly we are big news and money is being made available to me to keep me quiet? IDK.

I am

I am appreciated and seen for my work and who I am consistently by 50+ people on a daily basis. So is it now, their ugly secret is out? It isnt me?

So, allowance and child-mony is back on the table?

She ended the convo by saying "we are a family" ... huh?

Now that I instituted no contact, my brother spilled the beans on his behavior or fear or whatever...we are "family" again?

I would rather starve and not talk to them than take their money, though? Is there something weird about that? After 35 years of torment, judgment and abuse, my mother is the spokesperson for the family? I dont know what to make of it.

Any input would be enormously appreciated. I am spinning in confusion. You would think I would be relieved too that i might finally have some breathing room again. That it is on the table.

Ohhhh, ok, slow down, I can see you are very angry right now, easy.

First of all Rose, remember, most people in general have absolutely no idea what it is like to struggle with PTSD. Most people reply, "Oh, you mean that thing Vets get"?
Secondly, your family tends to answer problems with "throwing money at it to make it go away" that is what they "know".

The only way your mother is even going to half way get it is if some renouned specialist sat her down and with diagrams and videos, and explain it to her. She will walk away not really getting it on a truely personal level either. Her answer is "ok, then lets throw money into treatment to fix the problem", but she is still not going to know how to be "compassionate" in a meaningful way. That it just the way she is Rose. You already know that, you grew up with her, she just doesn't have it.

So, you have to consider that you are actually in a position where you do need help, and at this point, you need to consider "your needs" in all of this, what will help you Rose, and understand that you are not going to get the other part that you always wanted, it just is not there. And part of you has to understand that these people just don't have it to offer.

You have to step outside the PTSD anger Rose and be willing to see the reality of this situation a little better. You have to understand that what you are dealing with are people that genuinely "do not have it" and that "they are not purposely being mean" they are only doing what they know how to do.

I know it is hard to do that Rose, it has been very hard for me as well. It has been hard for me to separate that very hurt and damaged part of me and see the real reality of the people in my past.

What you have written down here is excellent, because you are very PTSD angry and if you can put it into writing, wait, cool down and revisit it, you can begin to see it differently. Remember, we always learn "after" ok?

Also remember that because you have PTSD, that means you are extremely "sensitive" so you can see things as being extremely important, a big problem that others do not see. This is also what many of our vetrans talk about, they come home and they struggle because they realize that society goes along not truely realizing the horrors of war.

Heightened awareness, remember that Rose, the key component to PTSD. The average person doesn't understand that.

Ok, I can totally understand your complete anger, but you know what? You are now in a position to possibly get what you need to help "you" and you do have to consider that very carefully. So you have to make sure you take your time and absolutely do not allow yourself to act out in anger. Can't do that with snakes, they will definitely bite you.

So Rose, what do "you" need, think about this calmly, wait until the PTSD calms down ok?

((((Hugs, you are going to get through this))))
Open Eyes