[Big Mama]

I know it is PTSD. I just feel so crummy. Another tearful day. I am so tired, so exausted, I just want to lay down and cry. I want to sleep, I want to just set and dissociate. It is so much less painful that way.

When it is almost time for my H to come home I start thinking "Please don't come home, pleas call and say you will be late, please be so tired you'll just go to sleep so I don't have to deal w/ you". I don't know if it is truely that we are not getting along all that well at the moment or if it is PTSD pushing me to my limits.

I had T today. I had T last week and blamed being teary on hormones. This week that is not the case. It was most likely not the case last week either. The T simply stated "You don't seem to be doing so good right now" and "You look and sound like you are done" (W/ your H) I am, I think. I don't know. I don't want to let PTSD rule and lead me to do something foolish. But on the other hand is what I'm dealing w/ the reality. I know my H and I go threw very rough patches. Things have been good for a little while but now they are not so good again.

I just want to cry. I want to scream, I want to melt, I want to yell and yell and yell. I want to cry, I want to I DON"T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO. I want to know what I really want to do. How about that?

I have a feeling it is a good thing I took a nap because I sure ain't gonna be sleeping tonight. I need to talk to people and feel a connection. I need to be heard and understood. This is the safest place to do that. People know what I am going threw here. Others w/ PTSD understand and that is what I really need is understanding.

When I went to T today I think I could have just sat and slowly cried all session. We finially started getting somewhere and my hour was up. I took 10 min of the other clients time. I jsut could not seem to pull myself together. The T just told me to call if I needed her. I know she is very booked and can't squeeze in extra sessions, nor can I afford them. So I'm stuck alone. My only out let is you guys here. I am so sorry all I ever do is complain, and whine, and dump my stuff. I sorry I need constant support. But coming here is the only thing I have learned to do. Please forgive me. Good Night.

(((Big Mama))) ...

One Day, One Hour, One Minute.

Patient, Gentle and Kind.

[Big Mama]

Thanks Pfrog. One second at a time. Thank you for hearing me and responding.

[kindachaotic]

There's nothing to forgive. I never consider your post as whining!
It takes guts to put your personal life & life experiences out there.
Thanks for feeling comfortable enough to share.

You are stronger than you think. You CAN buck him or tell him to leave.
He is an unexceptable spouse to you. Stand up for yourself & if he pouts (like a child) so be it.
Let your kids learn that his treatment of you isn't normal or healthy in marriage.

Take care of YOU.

[Open Eyes]

(((Big Mama))),

Sounds like you had a bad day hun, I have had them too, so it isn't just you. Remember that with PTSD it is normal to have bad days like this for a while, and all that you said about just not wanting to deal with your H, that is normal to how someone struggling with PTSD can feel at times. With PTSD there will be times where you will feel weary from the lack of control you have emotionally. If you have one of those weepy days, its ok, your emotions are coming forward now to slowly be sorted through. Surprisingly a lot of these emotions are in our subconscious surpressed and eventually they just come forward.

As you keep working on this, talking about it, allowing yourself to mourn whatever comes forward you will slowly feel some "release".

Big Mama, the challenging part about PTSD is that we are used to taking in external information and forming solutions from what we have storred in our subconscious minds. We often formulate ideas long before we even "consciously" realize it.

When someone has PTSD, they begin to have to process pockets of emotions and unresolved experiences from past tramas. It is harder because we are used to problemsolving in the reverse as I described above. Well, when we are working out trama that was storred in our subconscious, it takes more time because we often don't have the right "resolve or response" to tap onto in our subconsious mind.
And that is why we get tired and confused and want to isolate or do not want to deal with normal incoming things/interactions to process.

One thing most people who struggle with PTSD say is, "I wish I could be like I used to and have my old ways of "just" dealing. What we are saying is that "we wish we could just take in information or exchanges and tap onto our bank of subconscious answers that we used to do without so much conscious thought.

Big Mama, it takes time and "patience" to slowly address each of these old emotional challenges/memories that you never had any resolve storred in your subconscious to process. In other words, you had challenges that you had no app to resolve in your subconscious mind. And our brains are designed to push that aside and do our best to keep going. We are all designed to "survive" and "thrive" as human beings so when we are put in a situation that is tramatic or we don't have answers to, our brain finds a way to put it aside and work around it.

What you are doing now is as these pockets of troubling experiences/ challenges are coming forward, you still don't quite know what to do about them. And so you need to finally put words to what comes forward, get it out in the open so that you can finally develope ways to learn how to finally process it.

If you were to spend time and research how people with PTSD write, you will begin to notice that they leave out words or may not express a complete summary of how they are struggling. And when someone is writing while triggered, there will be more missing words or thought patterns in their communications. That is because when they are triggered they are dealing with these old "tramatic and emotional challenges" that were never storred with "language".

What my therapist has explained to me is that we have areas in our brains that store emotions and pictures that doesn't have any words or language there too. So when someone is experiencing storred emotions and pictures of a trama, these experiences come forward at first "without" any language.

The other day you were talking about how your husband touched you and you suddenly said, don't touch me before you could "consciously" have a warning that you were going to respond. Well, what happened is you first got triggered to a memory with the anger emotion, even a picture and it came forward so quickly that the words came out that "best matched" whatever the deep trigger was.

What I talk about alot is how with PTSD, what can happen is "sudden unexpected" outbursts. And unfortunately, the only time we can address them is "after" they happen. It is really strange because all of a sudden a trigger can happen and set into motion some kind of driving force of expression. I have experienced this quite a few times myself and I have also seen others in PC do it. And after it happens there is always a sense of emotional failure or a sense of feeling very disappointed and even ashamed of "self".

I have had it happen a few times here at PC, and once I was able to calm down and revisit the "trigger response" I was so embarassed that I wanted to run, leave PC and considered myself "unworthy". And there have been times when I have seen other members either "leave" or "leave and come back with a new identity".

As hard as it was for me Big Mama, I kept who I was at PC and tried my best to either appologize or even vent to a few members who understood. I was lucky because there were times where I was able to have someone there to quietly recognize my challenge and validate me as well as encourage me to "keep trying".

I think about PTSD as though it is almost like Teretts syndrome because there are times when the brain just reacts without "conscious control". And most people "who do not have it" simply do not understand that about PTSD, and they can be very critical and even "punishing" in how they respond.

It has been recognized that people who struggle with PTSD are often much more at ease when they interact with others who also struggle with PTSD. Well, that is because it is so hard to get others to understand how challenging it can be to struggle with PTSD, and it seems that no words can possibly explain it to others who don't struggle with it themselves. I am constantly trying to explain it, constantly. I am not just doing it for others, but also for myself.

(((Big Mama))), you have PTSD, and that means that you are going to have to be very patient with yourself. Yes, you are going to have these days where you cry and feel very lost in yourself. Understand that you just have to allow yourself to slowly address all these things that are surfacing from your subconscious mind. And there will be times when you will feel like a failure and are very alone with it. But these days will all slowly get "resolved" with time. I talked about a good book to read "Trama and Recovery" by Judith Herman I think it is, see if you can get that book.

Healing from PTSD, comes in "stages" and it takes time. You "will" keep gaining as you slowly deal with your inner challenges that you never resolved. You are not as "alone" as you feel. You can always come to PC and write things out. It doesn't matter what it is either, or how long it takes you to put what you need to into words.
So far what you have been discribing as your challenges are actually "normal" to the struggle with PTSD. It will be ok, you are going to keep moving slowly forward. Understand that PTSD healing is up and down, and not just a steady climb. But, you will slowly gain on it. ALWAYS make sure you reserve a big part of yourself that remains "kind and patient and understanding of self" as you are working through this PTSD. Each day is a new day, some days are better than others, and when you have a bad day, do lots of self care, it is ok to take time outs and slow down. You should not allow yourself to "feel guilty" either. That always comes with the PTSD challenge, so you have to make sure you "love self no matter what". You "will" make some gains, it is "not" your fault either. There will be those days where you will feel disappointed in yourself, like you will never be understood or will be able to regain a balance to yourself. These are "normal" responses to PTSD and "will" slowly ease up as you keep working through it. Even though you will have those days where you feel like you are somehow falling apart, you are in fact, finally working on "putting yourself together".

(((((Big Supportive Hugs))))
Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

Open Thank you so much. I really need someone to understand. I do feel a little better today then yesterday. Days I have T are usually hard. As soon as the dust begins to settle it gets stired up again. But I know that is part of the healing process.


Some of the things you said are so right.

"So If you were to spend time and research how people with PTSD write, you will begin to notice that they leave out words or may not express a complete summary of how they are struggling. And when someone is writing while triggered, there will be more missing words or thought patterns in their communications."

Thats me. I can't speak most of the time. My words just want come, I have learned to repeat what I just said in an attempt to add another word. That was my T's suggestion to bring things back when I dissociate and catch myself but then can't remember where I was going w/ something. Some times it works sometimes it does not but having it to work sometimes is better then none of the time. I can write alot of what I feel it slows the thought process down. In the middle of a triggering event if I can just get out very scattered very messy list of things I want to say , things I feel, and things I need to remember before they are gone it help alot. My T usually says, what is this it makes no sence. I tell her I didn't have the time of mental effort to organize my thoughts after I got them out.

What I talk about alot is how with PTSD, what can happen is "sudden unexpected" outbursts. And unfortunately, the only time we can address them is "after" they happen
for example when your husband touched you and you suddenly said, don't touch me before you could "consciously" have a warning that you were going to respond.

I can manage to get myself in so much trouble w/ this. The words just fall out. This to has happened in T. I throw my hands up over my mouth and think OMG I so did not mean to say that that way. Usually it is the very raw honest truth. I once thanked my H for building me such a nice prison. I was talking about our new house and how I was a slave to it and had to stay here all the time. He held over my head the fact that he built us a new house and I thanked him for building me such a nice prison. Yikes that was not a good conversation but it was the most blunt thing I was thinking and it jsut fell out. I do manage to get myself in to trouble from time to time.

As hard as it was for me Big Mama, I kept who I was at PC and tried my best to either appologize or even vent to a few members who understood. I was lucky because there were times where I was able to have someone there to quietly recognize my challenge and validate me as well as encourage me to "keep trying".

Open this is you, I am so blessed to have met you. You are my saving grace some days. I appologize and feel crappy and you come along and confirm I am not crazy, I am just dealing w/ a life that includes PTSD. It takes people like you and the ability you have to help folks like me and so many others. I am so grateful for you. It takes someone who has been there or is there right now to show you that you are not alone and how to get threw the tuff stuff.

what you have been discribing as your challenges are actually "normal" to the struggle with PTSD.

Normal, do you know how long it has been sence someone said you are NORMAL, and I feel just a little normal. Ages it feels like. I walk around w/ hell living inside of me and pleasantness shows on the outside. It is normal. Thank got it is normal, I am normal. It is not so bad to be normal and ordinary you know. Actually it is quite nice. I gotta locate that book. I'm going to the library today. Hopefully they can locate it and send it up from one of the other branches.

TRAUMA AND RECOVERY, by Judith Herman. Mental note made. Thank you

((((Mama)))) I am just finding your threads and posts from the last couple of days. I am here sending lots of hugs and friendship. You are not alone and you will get through this

[Open Eyes]

I can manage to get myself in so much trouble w/ this. The words just fall out. This to has happened in T. I throw my hands up over my mouth and think OMG I so did not mean to say that that way. Usually it is the very raw honest truth. I once thanked my H for building me such a nice prison. I was talking about our new house and how I was a slave to it and had to stay here all the time. He held over my head the fact that he built us a new house and I thanked him for building me such a nice prison. Yikes that was not a good conversation but it was the most blunt thing I was thinking and it jsut fell out. I do manage to get myself in to trouble from time to time.

Well, Big Mama, you have kept alot of challenges under an emotional wrap and "within" yourself for a very long time. While you had your horse to talk to, which was good for you, he didn't talk back to you and validate you and give you ways to "find some resolve".

Well, when PTSD is present, some of these "surpressed" feelings will just pop out, you shoved too many things in the closet and the door is now open with these things now pouring out.

If I were to draw a picture of myself and PTSD, I would draw a picture of me kneeling on the floor with all these strange puzzle pieces that I am trying to finally put together somehow. It is much like a huge jig saw puzzle and sometimes all I can do is see the puzzle piece and not know how to fit it into the healing puzzle properly. Sometimes I deal with too many pieces at one time too and I just get very stressed out, upset and overwhelmed, even angry, sometimes "very angry".

I was thinking about it again today and sometimes it can be so consuming, I find myself so absorbed in it that I lose track of time and "anything" that disturbes me, rattles me. I can't seem to explain to my family how hard I am trying to put myself back together somehow. I know that my husband "misses" the old me, and the old me isn't really there now and I miss that too. Yet, I can see that the "old me" developed ways to work around the pain where I was often misunderstood too. Not all that is there is bad either, so there is some sorting I have to do as well.

I find myself wishing my husband could understand how much hard work it is to work though it every day.

You have to do your best when these "pop up comments come out of you". Yup, it is like that old toy that if you wind it up enough, then "pop goes the weazel".

Open Eyes

[Big Mama]

True pop goes the weasel. If you wind it up enough it will eventually pop.

Much like a closet stuffed w/ toys and clothes it can only hold so much. Sooner or later something is bound to fall out.