No Identidy.

((Hellion)),

What you have to "learn" is that it is not really about "acting" at all. It is more about finally "relaxing" into yourself instead of constantly having to get everyone to "understand you". Unfortunately Hellion, you didn't have that "presence" that "nurtured you" and gave you that "safety" all human beings need to thrive. This is not an unusual problem, alot of people are challenged with this in one way or another. All you have to do is sit back and really take time to "look at all the threads and "HELP I AM LOST" messages here at PC. People who struggle with PTSD are always looking for that "rescuer" and many of them also want "justice" as well. What that boils down to is that initial "lack of an appropriate nurturer". You are not the only one that has fallen through the cracks in "society" Hellion. I know it feels like that, but you are truely not alone. And that is why I feel that a live PTSD support group may help you, and you want it too and the reason for that is you "need to connect with others that feel challenged like you do". That is why PC works so well too, because it is a place where people can get together and actually meet others who also struggle and there is "support" here, along with "understanding and validations" that we typically don't get IRL. And there are people that volunteer to "monitor" this site in order for it to be as safe for members as possible.

Right now Hellion, you are mostly on the "defensive" and I can't blame you because you have a history where you were bullied alot and there was no one there to stand up for you. Actually, what would be nice is if you could "heal" and learn to "overcome" the anxiety of feeling like you are "going to be misunderstood and attacked somehow" and reach a level where you can become a voice for others like yourself, because believe me, there are lots of "victims" just like you out there. You are not ready to see that yet though, not until you get to a point where you realize that "yes" there are lots of people like your mother, brother, and mother's boyfriend that are so ignorant they don't see "you or anyone that struggles like you". There are countless children all over this country alone who climb on a school bus and face being bullied and isolated every single day. Hellion is not seeing herself as "part of" yet, she is like all the others alone, and unheard.

Scads of bullying studies have focused on the victim but new research published Wednesday has put the bully in the hot seat. The journal JAMA Psychiatry reported that not only do the effects of bullying last well into adulthood causing depression, panic disorder, and agoraphobia, the victim doesn't suffer the most—the aggressor does.

More on Yahoo! Shine: Let's Create a Bully-Free World

The study of 1,420 kids found that: Those who are victimized by bullies are three to five times more likely to experience these psychological effects throughout their 20s. Then there are kids who are just plain bullies, who are four to five times more likely to exhibit "anti-social personality disorder" characterized by a lack of empathy, lying, and criminal behavior. There's also a third type of bully: Kids who are both victims and bullies. These kids suffer the most, running a five-fold risk of depression and greater than a 10-fold risk of various panic disorders with the girls more likely to develop agoraphobia (a fear of spaces that don't have easy escape routes) and boys to later develop suicidal thoughts and behaviors. Researchers accounted for factors such as family structure and dysfunction, economic status and psychiatric problems.

More on Yahoo! Atheist Kids and Bullying: Just an Xbox and a Football Game Away From Redemption
"We found that 20 percent of kids who are bullied go on to bully others," says clinical psychologist William E. Copeland, Ph.D., of Duke University Medical Center. "The bullies are usually former victims themselves who struggle at home and have low social skills. But instead of stopping the cycle because they feel a sense of empathy, they internalize bullying as a way to fit into the social hierarchy. Unfortunately these people can often become bullies at work."
What can be done to stop a child from being bullied or turning into one? According to Copeland, examining a kid's experience at school is the first step. "When we think of bullying, we often try to analyze what problems are occurring at home but there are plenty of kids with healthy, happy families who are terrorized at school," he says. "It makes sense for us focus on peer influence since kids spend most of their time at school and learn social behavior there."
Parents and teachers can also encourage kids to speak up when they witness bullying. "The harasser counts on his audience being too intimidated to report his behavior but if the school has a zero-tolerance policy, bullies won't be able to rely on the public for support," says Copeland.

If your kid is being pushed around at school, ask him to talk about it and try to stay calm so he won't feel guilty or self-conscious for sharing. Then notify the school; If your kid is the one pushing others around? You may want to get him or her counseling. And make sure they understand the consequences for their behavior. And ask the school to monitor his or her behavior.

Well truly if you can have a discussion about going too fast with your T and she still doesn't get it... start looking for a new one imo.

Not all therapists are specifically trained to deal with PTSD and trauma...and those that are need to be constantly on the uptake of the newest information. Mine is, and I thank GOD for that!

Even if your T is well trained, a talk about going too fast should slow her down. For whatever reasoning, she wants you to heal faster than you can. Maybe she hasn't had too many such patients and they all got better faster, or the insurance is going to run out and she wants to dump all the knowledge she can on you before it does. I have no idea. But going faster only causes some of us to stop in our tracks or even recede to where we had been, some place that felt safer.

What I mean is I feel like I have to act like I am doing better than I am or it will piss people of or irritate them....or maybe land me in the psych ward if I am completely honest about how I feel. Its not an attempt to try and get everyone to understand I just wish those who didn't would get off my back about it...instead of acting like they are in some position to criticize how i handle the symptoms.

I know I am not the only one dealing with this sort of thing, I more meant is people without PTSD and who don't have the same lack of support and not to great of childhood development don't have the misfortune of struggling with those issues. But yeah that is part of why I come here because there are at least people here who can sort of understand or have simular experiances.

Sure maybe it would be nice to overcome that, but not sure that's possible its not like I stopped being attacked and misunderstood when I reached adulthood it has still happened and could easily happen again...I also worry about people using me which has happened and nothing has changed that would totally prevent it again...not so sure I can convince myself that's not the case when it is. And I am aware there are people who are victims like me, well aware I am not the only one doesn't exactly make me feel any better or decrease my symptoms. Also I can't be the voice for everyone else struggling with simular things......I am too over strained as is so that would be too much obligation. Just trying to more or less put my life back together sort of though it was never really together in the first place.

Hmm not sure about that, kinda seems to indicate people in pain are wanting to hurt others...which well I am pretty sure the people who bullied me aren't the ones suffering the way I am or waiting on SSI for PTSD it was always the more popular kids that even had the teachers approval it was the people who went on to do things with their lives while I ended up like this...I wish I could accurately say 'well they had it worse then me so I just pity them.' but it simply was not the case they where bullying and picking on me for my vulnerabilities and differences not out of being insecure...except maybe the ones who went along with it to keep their cool status but no it wasn't typically the kid with bullying parents who consantly struggled with anxiety and depression picking on me.......I was that kid being picked on by others, the school community if you will.

The premise that the ones doing the harrasing are usually suffering more than the person they are hurting is not entirely accurate especially in my case...they weren't the ones suffering the constant ostracizm and being picked on by most of the class wondering why they couldn't have any friends like the other kids. I mean I am sure some of the time someone might take out their pain from bullying by in turn bullying others...but I internalized it and it harmed me I don't in turn take the harm that was done to me and shove it on others. In fact the very idea that someone in pain would want to hurt others has also done damage to me that is why people where suprised I wasn't the psychopath with the gun and justified their mistreatment of me in their heads.

I don't have insurance, I have a 5 dollar co-pay and signed up for some state thing that helps with medical costs...I don't even have income so there would be no way for me to have insurance. But yeah that is just the thing I've been struggling to more or less move forward a bit like I felt I was going in that direction before my last therapy appointment...but after that I feel even less motivated and kind of paranoid.

She seemed super concerned until I assured her I was ok for now. I felt the need to assure her of that because it felt like she was on the verge of having me committed or something over thinking I was about ready to break under the stress which I am worried about but I didn't think it was quite that immediate of a risk. She didn't say any of that it just seemed to be what she was thinking but of course I don't know what her unsaid thoughts are, or what she writes in her notes each session.

"What I mean is I feel like I have to act like I am doing better than I am or it will piss people of or irritate them....or maybe land me in the psych ward if I am completely honest about how I feel. Its not an attempt to try and get everyone to understand I just wish those who didn't would get off my back about it...instead of acting like they are in some position to criticize how i handle the symptoms." quote Hellion

Yes Hellion, I hear you, but just so you know? I have struggled with this challenge as well, it is a part of PTSD that people can't seem to understand. I have even had others here say things like "I had lots of trama too, but I do ok" as if I am "choosing" to be a baby or need to sit on some kind of pity pot throne. It was the "few" that took time to be "supportive" to me that "really" helped me, which really saved me because at home/IRL it was "really, really" hard. Honestly?, that is why I try to give back here as much as I can, I honestly know how hard and lonely it is and how having access to someone who understands and is supportive can make all the difference in the world when it comes to finding the strenth and will to work through it.

For myself, I was just so taken back by it, because I never imagined having to deal with the kind of challenge PTSD presents, lets face it, it can be very scary and confusing. As bad as I was when I first joined PC, well, the PTSD got alot worse, it was hell trying to explain it to my family, hell. I can't blame anyone for "isolating" at all, I had to do it. However, even though I was so bad, I still did jobs and tried to run my small business and my farm as well as deal with my attorney who was truely the wrong match for me and he still is. What I will say however is the one good thing about my business is that no one knew me and the jobs were not something I had to keep doing over and over with the same people. But the teaching end of my business, I could not do, I was not able to deal with that scenario at all, plus the animals I used for that were destroyed.

Hey, just so you know Hellion?, those challenges that you talk about with your family members, ditto, I had those challenges too. The only time that began to change for the better was when my husband talked to my therapist who explained to him that I was really challenged and he had to stop "pushing" me. And this therapist took me a while to find. I am lucky because he has a lot of experience working with PTSD patients and he knows how to "slow down" and follow the pace of the patient. And the other thing my T has experience with is he has battled "depression" himself so he can relate to the "challenge" of "mental illness".

I am very sorry that your family environment is not more "supportive" it would be nice if you could get to the point where your "therapist" could talk to your mom and advise her on how to be "more supportive" to you.

Yes, that is required in the world by all people, to behave and act civilly towards each other... it's just that it does feel fake because of the PTSD.

What I have learned is the miserable feelings I have are from the PTSD and the times when I am trying to fit in, those are the real me and feelings... some how the PTSD turns things upside down in that. It can have me thinking that I am really the miserable person when no one is around, and only pretending to be nice otherwise. But that's just not so!

Trying to fit in isn't the real me, I like to associate with people who like me as I am but I am not going to go out of my way to fit in with the norm...I mean sure I do my best not to be rude or hurtful to others because I don't want to cause conflicts and its just not in my nature.

Also I feel I am miserable and do my best to be nice at the same time obviously only where appropriate though sometimes it's better to be a little more assertive than nice I suppose.