I was diagnosed with PTSD just under a year ago but its been something Ive lived with for most of my life. I get awful nightmares and wake up yelling most nights.

I started self harming when I was 9 I kept it a secret until my mum found out when I was 13. it was around then that I started to get what I now understand to be flashbacks. I tried to talk to her but she said I should speak to a professional and I was sent to therapy once a week where Id spend the hour in silence for fear of talking.

I didnt want to talk because what I had inside me was something I thought nobody knew about, something I couldnt express.

When I was 16 I attempted suicide and it was only then that I found out she knew what had happened but had been told by a psychiatrist that I would probably forget so not to talk to me about it. So I had grown up thinking I had to harbour this awful secret that no one knew about. Im 26 now and I feel like its still such a huge part of my life. I get reminded of what happened every single day.

I get this fuzzy feeling when I smell when other senses are jogged that reminds me of back then.. cigar smoke or cider.. any memory of that time.
Its like Im not in me, I feel like Im just outside my body, like Im a different person, I dont feel like me. Sometimes its just a fizzy feeling, sometimes I dont remember what happened. Its like someone else is in my body for a while, I might have walked somewhere and "woken up" and its a strange thing to find out that youve been acting weird and dont even remember anything of what happened.

Im not sure what I want from this post, maybe does anyone else have similar experiences?

[Open Eyes]

A common statement made by people who struggle with PTSD is, "I just don't feel like myself". So, you are truly not alone with how you feel.

It sounds like you are disassociating at times too, which also can be one of the symptoms.

Are you working with a therapist now?

It really takes time to work through PTSD, it all depends on the person and what their history is. There is a lot more help "now" then there used to be too.

Sorry you are struggling hun. Also PTSD is an anxiety disorder, that is also something you need to learn how to better manage.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[DePressMe]

RJ, I too had these sorta out of body experiences where I would not remember what I had done. I call them out of body because I don't have a better way to describe them. I think the psych world calls them disassociation and there is another term for it but I can't remember it right now. I too had it brought on by triggers like smells and situations. The worse things I done was drive my car and come to being somewhere and not remembering how I got there. I did not always have complete memory loss. Sometimes I would just get strange body sensations like numbness or tingling. I've gotten better through therapy, meds, journaling, and such. Now they don't happen as often. So, it will get better for you too. It takes time and healing from the trauma. I feel for you because I understand what you are going through........D.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

A common statement made by people who struggle with PTSD is, "I just don't feel like myself". So, you are truly not alone with how you feel.

It sounds like you are disassociating at times too, which also can be one of the symptoms.

Are you working with a therapist now?

It really takes time to work through PTSD, it all depends on the person and what their history is. There is a lot more help "now" then there used to be too.

Sorry you are struggling hun. Also PTSD is an anxiety disorder, that is also something you need to learn how to better manage.

(((Hugs)))
OE

Im seeing a specialist, they told me I dissociated in one of the sessions so that makes a lot of sense. I think it hasnt helped that I had an episode of psychosis, made my anxiety go through the roof.

[worthit]

I have PTSD also and was told by my therapist there are two different types 1 kind where you disassociate and go numb and the other is hyper vigilance. She said it's common to do both which is what I do.

[Open Eyes]

All people disassociate it is pretty "normal" actually. However, with PTSD, everything is "magnified" and imbalanced. And yes, when anxiety flairs up, it can be easy to feed into because it is scary to experience an anxiety attack.

I am glad to hear you are working with a specialist. You need to be very "patient" with yourself and allow yourself whatever time you need to "slowly work through the PTSD and heal".

I struggled badly with it and it took time for me to develop a support system. I found myself working overtime trying to understand it and put it into words. In all honesty, it really frightened and confused me too. It is definitely tiring and challenging, but if you have people around you that can "validate" you and comfort and reassure you, the healing process is not as difficult.

It is very important to be "patient" with yourself and give yourself as much time as you need to "slowly" work through it and practice "self care" instead of feeding into it.

Quote RJstatic :
I didnt want to talk because what I had inside me was something I thought nobody knew about, something I couldnt express.

This is also a very common perception. You are really not alone with this either.
(((Caring supportive Hugs)))
OE

[HealingNSuffering]

Yes I've had the same experiences before as well, seeing myself from a 3rd person's perspective who was hovering above me, it was like my soul died and was looking down on me. There are literally huge holes in my memory for extended periods of time and I've been told that I have done things that I don't remember doing, I've met quite a lot of people that said they remember meeting me but I don't remember them at all. I think some of the memories are better off forgotten. Researchers have found that child abuse/neglect causes physiological brain damage to victims.

[MillionaireWaltz]

Perhaps it's redundant to proclaim, but it's rather true, RJ: You really aren't alone here.

Everything you described serves as a reminder of what I've been struggling with my entire life, too. Okay, not my 'entire' life, but since I was six years old, because I can't remember a time I didn't suffer from these symptoms from that age onward. I'm glad you've sought professional help; I'm relatively new to my diagnosis, so even though this has been going on for much of my life (along with other mental health issues), I've little to offer in the way of insightful information or coping skills. I reckon the best thing to do is continue seeing your specialist for your needs, because we often cannot do it alone. I used to live with the same fear that I had to harbor what I deemed as my own shameful secret because I came from a family that opted to 'sweep things under the rug' than actually talk about and remedy them; it's never too late to learn how to let these secrets out and then learn to cope with them. I, too, am twenty six, but I waited a long twenty years before I sought help (unfortunately, I already made some terrible choices before seeking help). I wish you all the best, RJ, because like everyone who has commented, and anyone who will comment afterward, you are not alone. More importantly, there are ways to get through this and live your life. Best of luck.

-G