[MillionaireWaltz]

Hello everyone--I am still somewhat new here; I've mostly stayed to the bipolar forum, but I have a diagnosis of PTSD and thought I should come here and see the type of support there is (there's a lot of it, thankfully!)

When I received my diagnosis, I wasn't sure I felt anything either way. I temporarily abandoned my therapy appointments for no good reason, other than I was too anxious to go in and talk about things. I understand completely how this is the wrong way to think; I re-scheduled them, but I've a burning question that I thought I'd ask here, since it'll be a little while until I see my therapist.

Question is: Did receiving a diagnosis help with your struggle? When I was diagnosed, I felt nothing. When I was home by myself, I curled up into a ball and cried. Prior to the diagnosis, I felt that if there was something--a name, even--for the struggles I had gone through most of my life, that I'd feel relief, perhaps in some way to not feel like I was alone, or the only one going through the torment. But even now, I still feel lost and inarticulate when it comes to explaining my daily issues. I feel somewhat the same as I did pre-diagnosis; I'm hoping therapy will get me on the right track, but has anyone else experienced this with their diagnosis---the knowledge of finally having a name to your pain, but still more anguished and confused than before? I thought it would help things make more sense, but I'm more lost than ever.

[Open Eyes]

(((MillionaireWaltz))),

It sounds like you may have "complex PTSD" because you have been struggling for a very long time.

I don't know your history, however, it is "possible" that you may not actually "have bipolar" and instead may be struggling with "complex PTSD cycles" that can be a result of "early abuse or neglect of some kind". Often people with a history of abuse and develop the PTSD cycles to "compensate" are often "misdiagnosed with bipolar".

If you are now working with a therapist that specializes in PTSD and "complex PTSD" you may make progress where before you just thought that you were "manic".

Yes, you may feel very lost for a while, but with good "talk therapy" and a therapist that understands and works with PTSD patients, in time you can actually begin to understand yourself much better and actually begin to make some gains helping yourself work through your challenges better.

I am sorry you are feeling so confused right now, I have been there myself so I know how difficult it is. Please be "very patient" with yourself and give therapy time and yourself time to finally understand yourself better.

What you "can" be grateful for is that so much more is now understood about PTSD and what is now called "complex PTSD" and how to actually work with patients to where they can gradually "heal" and understand themselves better verses just going along suffering and confused. Believe me, you are really not alone in how you struggle and as you work through PTSD therapy you will finally be able to connect with others who also struggle and actually get the support you need and so deserve so you can finally understand yourself better.

I cannot stress enough, "patience and self care" is very important to your "healing". I am in no way diagnosing you, however, what I encourage you to do is be open minded and if you work through PTSD therapy, you may discover more answers to understanding yourself better then you have ever before.

Welcome to PC, there are others who struggle just like you and are very supportive here.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[MotownJohnny]

Hi. I just joined here a month ago, but have learned a lot. (Sounding like a broken record here) I was Dx'ed as Bipolar II a year ago, and sent against my will to a partial. Truly one of the most traumatic events in my life, which had had more than its share anyway. The Dr that Dx'ed did a very sloppy job with a 5 minute Dx, and then totally screwed up my treatment. Definitely broke my entire spirit, on the drive home I was truly suicidal, I wanted to drive into something at 90 mph. I thought I was a dead man walking. A new Dr, whom I like and trust, said BP II was crap, it is C-PTSD. That makes so much more sense, it was an enormous relief to me.

It may be the enormity of getting any MH Dx. Were you previously told you are bipolar? How did you feel about that? Were you at peace with that? Or didn't it happen that way?

It may take time. It may make more sense as you work on it. In the interim, time, love, and tenderness, to quote the lyrics of a 20 year old Michael Bolton song.

[Open Eyes]

I just want to add here that trying to explain it to your family is not a good idea right now. Consider the fact that you yourself are confused, well, others around you are not going to really understand either.

What I have slowly learned about my "own" challenge is that "my family did not understand it" and as I have worked through my childhood and talked about things I experienced, I have learned that because my family was "dysfunctional" it had more of an effect on "me" than I realized.

If we happen to grow up with a parent who is somehow "challenged" for example, that can actually be "imprinted" in us more than we realize. I have actually seen this problem because I spent years working with children and began to notice how certain children had adapted behavior patterns that I noticed in their parents too. One example that really stood out was a child that I worked with that had to constantly take breaks and she would say, "I am tired right now I need to rest". Well, what I found out is that when she was growing up from an early age her mother was fighting "breast cancer" and in treatment and therefore would say to her that very same thing, "I am tired right now, Mommy needs to rest" and this child also imprinted the facial and body language of "being tired and needing rest". The mother never even realized this problem and what she did say is that her daughter was not very athletic and on the "lazy" side.

I also worked with another child that was quite a challenge as she seemed to need to "run the lesson" and "take over" all the time. After I spent time watching her with her mother, well, what I saw is that her mother was the one that "micro managed" and consistently inserted herself into a "control mode". Her mother was a teacher, however, she was "very controlling" and constantly "instructing" and "over managing".
Well, her daughter was imprinting that and you know what? No one liked working with this child and later on she was considered to have some kind of "learning disability". Well, she didn't have a disability, her disability was "her mother". Her mother was "so controlling" that I had to ask the mother to leave so I could work with this child on my own terms.

When we are children, we have no real say over how our parents raise us. If there is a "learned dysfunctional behavior pattern" in a parent, often they tend to "pass it down" without realizing they can be "creating problems" in their children.

If a child happens to grow up in a "stressful environment" they try adapt as best as they can. However, all children want to "please" and "gain approval" from their parents, and if they can't seem to "achieve approval in some way" they can begin to develop some coping methods that can become a part of how they somehow manage themselves throughout their lives. This is just "me" they think, not realizing that they developed coping methods that may be "unhealthy" for them.

What also can happen is unknowingly a person can often pic a partner that exhibits behavior patterns that are "unhealthy" however, because these behavior patterns are something "familiar" the feeling of "this seems to fit and feel right" can take place.
Also without realizing it, because "dysfunction" was all someone really "knew" they can unknowingly create the same environment in their own home that they grew up in. Often there may be an effort to "make something better" too, want to do better in their environment than what they experienced in their youth, however, the way they try to "change" whatever they didn't like, can lead to creating more harm than good.

For myself, what I didn't realize is that I began to develop "cycles" to try to compensate for my very "stressful and unstable environment" growing up. What I was trying to do is "find some way of having a sense of control" in my childhood. All children will try to do this to compensate. Now that I look back, I can see how I was often "very tired" from being stressed out from the dysfunction in my environment, and then building up "energy or adrenaline to try to compensate and gain a sense fo "control" to "keep thriving".

I ended up marrying a "binge alcoholic" where again my sense of "safety" was constantly threatened. I didn't really "know about binge alcoholism" however, and I thought "it was normal to drink in excess from time to time". Why? Because that is what I saw my father do as well. How did I compensate? I began to "obsess" over my home and needed to keep it clean and nicely decorated. I was actually "again" trying to compensate for "feeling unsafe". In therapy I have learned that how I reacted to my husband's alcoholism is "typical" of how women react with that kind of "dysfunction" and threat to their sense of "safety". As I look back on my life, I did have a kind of "cycle" of being down, and then regenerating and pushing to compensate. Often when someone compensates this way, they "can" be misdiagnosed with "bipolar disorder" when in reality, they are not actually "bipolar".
I was not diagnosed with "bipolar disorder" however, I can see how I could have clearly been misunderstood that way.

Now, I am not saying that you are not challenged with "bipolar disorder" either. However, my suggestion is to "keep an open mind" and make a decision to finally open up to sorting through your life, including your childhood, with a therapist who understands "complex PTSD" . I have a therapist that "does" understand it and I am finally understanding myself on a whole new level.

The one person that needs to understand "you" is "you" and with the right therapy and "patience" you can finally slowly understand yourself and "finally" learn to "slowly help yourself" to where you can begin to "function better". Depending on your history and what you have done to "compensate" it will "take you time" to 'slowly" understand yourself and develop "better coping skills". This is not something that "family" is going to always "understand" either. However, if you surround yourself with others who "do understand it" you will begin to gain a sense of "support" that you are not alone, not a failure, and can "heal" with "patience and time".

I am sorry that you are struggling and finding yourself curling up in a ball as you have described. I have been in that condition myself, so I know how lonely that can be.
However, you are on a path of getting help now, and you have also been "reaching out for support", that is very "good". You are "not alone" with this challenge, and by reaching out, you will slowly get the help you need to finally "overcome and heal".

[MillionaireWaltz]

Thank you OE and MJ for your responses and insight. I was given the diagnosis of bipolar and ptsd, but I have yet to speak further with my therapist. I do have an appointment with the psychiatrist on the 11th of next month for medication; currently on lamictal, was weened off lithium (never felt worse than when I was taking it), so I'll consult him. I'm aware many people are often misdiagnosed at the first go, and it may take some time to figure out the best plan for me, and what exactly I'm dealing with. I think with my family history of both depression and BD, and the mood cycles I was/am going through, a diagnosis of BD seemed likely, but I feel like I'm being made to jump through hoops and being wrung out of all I have left in me if I'm being given a sloppy diagnosis. I want to feel better and cope, but I don't want a hasty label slapped on me just to get some meds that seem to only work half of the time, if at all. Perhaps I'll gain better clarity in my next appointment. I really appreciate the kind words and thoughtful insight you both provided me, though. Thank you.

[Open Eyes]

You are welcome ((MillionaireWaltz)). I understand feeling "confused" and I hope I didn't confuse you even more. My main message is to "slow down" and "keep an open mind about yourself" too.

I think that spending time with a good therapist will help you to slowly figure it all out. I am glad to hear you are reaching out for help.

Patience, lots of patience and self care goes a long way.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[MotownJohnny]

Keep in mind the fact that you have an absolute right to a proper diagnosis, appropriate medications and treatment. I didn't challenge anything at the time, I was just too wrung out to begin with, and I should have. Mine was a 5 minute diagnosis based on intake forms, she didn't really even ask questions. She should have at least thought that it could be one of several things, not be so quick to just say definitively it is X.

I learned this. Question, even challenge if need be. I didn't stand up for myself,I just crumbled like a did as a kid when my dad would grab me by the collar and scream and spit in my face and I was terrified. Stand up for yourself. And don't be afraid to walk away if you need to, there are other providers.

Welcome ((((MW)))) when I was dxx with c-ptsd i felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. all the pain, struggle, cycling, etc made sense to me. And it was even sweeter because i had a great T that was so helpful and really understood and cared about my recovery.

It was also frustrating to think that i had been misdiagnosed for all those years and spent so much wasted time on therapy that wasnt tailored for my ddx. Spinning wheels (sigh).

I also felt like curling up in a little ball, as well. I was so tired. And I had work to do that was waiting for me. But I tookwas some time. After I caught my breath again, I fully committed to doing the work.

I am so glad you posted here because there are members who completely get it and are here for you. You are not alone. Not at all

The most important thing to do right now is rest and take care of yourself. If you have a little energy, too, it helps to do some research. I felt even more supported when i understood the ddx a bit better. And know...IT DOES GET BETTER.

Whenever you feel up to it, feel free to post. We are here.

(*i do agree that it probably would not be in your best interest to share your diagnosis with family until you are feeling stronger. Unfortunately, many people are still in the dark regarding mental health issues and may not be as supportive as you need / want at the moment.

For instance, one of my family members told me i was lying and making excuses. It set me back a lot. So I keep it to myself ).

Also, if you arent comfortable with your diagnosis, or it doesnt "feel" right, question it! Dont accept anything simply because someone labeled you with it. One of my Pdocs did that, and I was totally put off and extremely upset. I rejected it. You know yourself best. Trust yourself.