[lynatsunlakes]

Hi...
I am a vet (USAF, female). But, I am on this forum instead of the combat PTSD forum because when I was in (1974-78), women were not allowed in combat positions (thank goodness). Don't know why a woman would want to be subjected to the horrors of war... I WAS one of the first women in Avionics and worked on the 1F-111D. The first digital (computerized) and integrated avionics fighter/bomber aircraft in the world. I am proud of this, but it is never easy breaking into a new field, for women, in the military. I was 1 of 2 women among 100 men. Sexual harassment? Yes, but unless it was molestation or rape, we had to learn to let it "fall-off-our-backs" or learn how to put the guy in his place. Difficult when it is your commander or another squadron's commander (a major - full bird colonel usually). Yes, this happened to me... But my abuse started waaaaayy before this...4 yrs. old in fact, by my mother (who should have been arrested and jailed). As one of my brothers said, "Mom loved to head to the knife drawer." I was the oldest daughter and the object of her hate and violence. Then came the rapes, which I will not describe--no need and it will trigger me. Then came the horrible divorce...then came the harassment from my school (I used my GI bill to become a teacher) because I blew the whistle on the V.Principal who was a sexual predator...there is more, but this is enough for this forum. I guess I feel I have to justify my right to be here. Needless to say, I have PTSD from more than one source and then some devastating situations triggered the abuse memories that I had kept behind my thick, white wall (my way of describing my way of dealing with it all). I learned that eventually it does start to "leak-out" and then comes the gushing, flooding, overwhelming memories and nightmares. I am still ambivalent about the 3 rapes and sometimes I dread those "leaking-out".
Because I am prior military and 2 of the rapes happened in the military, I am qualified to go to the "cutting edge" Women's Trauma Center in Menlo Park, CA. BUT, I can't go until I go though an "Emotion Regulation" program at my VA Hospital (out-patient). I am in it now and it is a looong program, as long as a year!
But, I am thankful for the program. I have multiple suicide attempts; they are always the result of strong triggers. I do get anxious about all the triggering that will happen, but I HAVE TO DO THIS TO GET BETTER!
It has nothing to do with courage and everything to do with desperation, for me...
Thank you for reading "my rant" and I hope the best for those of you who share the same diagnosis.

[lynn P.]

Welcome to PC and safe hugs to you for all the trauma you've endured. Very good you're in the process of getting the right help and you seem willing to work through the pain. I don't have any grand advice but will pray you get the right help and move on to a better life in time.

[gayleggg]

I'm glad you are in a program to help with the trauma you have endured. I'm sorry you had to endure so much pain. We should at least be able to depend on our mother's, but yours let you down. I'm sorry for that, you deserved better treatment. I'm glad you found Psych Central. You will find a lot of suport and help here. Post when ever you feel the urge. There is always someone willing to listen. Best wishes to you in your program. I hope it brings you the peace you deserve. And thank you for serving in our military forces.

[Open Eyes]

((lynatsunlakes))),

Welcome to PC and the PTSD forum. Sorry you have had so many challenges in your life so far. Most of the members can relate to getting to the point where the "wall" stops working somehow and the confusion that comes with PTSD.

Try to remember that the programs you are involved in are there because you are not alone in being challenged, and there is a "healing path" for women who struggled like you do. As you meet other women like you, that alone will be comforting too.

It sounds like you went through a time where you were having bad thoughts, always remember these thoughts do "not" last and with time and therapy and "validation and comfort" these often strong feelings "will" subside "greatly".

At first "triggers" can be strong and so can the nightmares and anger and anxiety, but as you spend time in therapy and slowly get "much needed validation" and lots of time to talk about how you feel and express yourself emotionally and even "mourn" you will begin to "gain ground in your healing" and not feel so desperate as you have been.

It is "VERY GOOD" that you are taking steps to get help and have decided to surround yourself with people who "understand" what you are challenged with and can support you and really "listen". A big part of the "challenge with PTSD" is feeling alone with it and not quite being able to describe it to others where they respond with "validation, patience and understanding and "support"". When you get the right people around you, it will be tremendously helpful to you and help you experience "less and less anxiety or triggers".

The human brain is designed to feel "better or more in control" when someone gets to verbalize whatever hurt them and have others that can "hear and comfort them".

You are welcome to vent/share/question whenever you need to here, the members will do their best to help you feel supported and heard as we all know that is very important.

(((Welcoming Hugs)))
OE