[Rio_]

I've hardly been able to stop thinking about the news all day...another gun, another school, more deaths...

I'm upset for them, but I'm still upset for me as well - I shouldn't be!

What I saw was nothing compared to some people.

It shouldn't bother me as much as it does.

What if I'm trying to make myself feel worse than I do? It wouldn't be the first time - I remember in P7 I made myself cry by telling myself "I saw it all" over and over...I didn't see it all!

What if I'm doing it for attention? At one of the anniversaries, a couple of girls in my year started crying during assembly, and a teacher noticed - she pointed to the year below, and told the girls that that year were fine, so they should be too, and to stop being attention-seeking.

But how could I? It was a horrible, horrible thing...who would use something like that to get attention?

I'm a terrible person.

(Feel free to yell at me, delete this post, whatever. I don't deserve to be here. )

((( Rio_ )))

You are NOT a terrible person.

Don't be so hard on yourself. It doesn't sound to me AT ALL that you're seeking attention.

It's natural after a tragic event for people to have the fear of "it happening to them." You begin to question your own mortality and that fear can spin out of control.

You said, What I saw was nothing compared to some people. That could be survivors guilt.

Add to that the realization that you have no control over situations like the current events, and that a human "enemy" could do such a horrendous thing, and you have the makings of trauma.

Are you seeing a T? Hopefully with some help, this will be resolved soon.

[Rio_]

(((Petunia))) Thanks. This is actually something I've been worrying about for years now - I didn't want to speak about it, because I convinced myself that the only way to be sure I wasn't seeking attention was not to say anything. It feels good to be able to talk about it at last!

I've imagined it happening again at high school a couple of times - I know it can't, because there are a lot cameras and the doors are kept locked between classes, but that didn't stop me...I think I have an overactive imagination.

I'm not seeing anyone at the moment, but I spoke to a doctor last week (I made a post about it here), and she said she'd refer me to a psychologist, although it might be a few months before I can see someone. But it's been 10 years, I should be able to wait a bit longer, hopefully!

[Numbers]

I don't know much about how you are supposed to feel about these things, but it dosn't matter anyway. What matters is that you do have feelings about this thing and denying it won't change it, naither will feeling guilty about it.
I think your teacher was wrong to stop those girls from crying because if they need to react that way they should be allowed to do so.
Maybe you are feeling guilty and that is why you make things worse for yourself. Small children are very sensitive I have heard. Maybe Seeing and feeling the other children being hurt and just knowing something bad had happened, could have made you feel the same way. Maybe you were at a stage where you where learning about how to feel and react to different things and that could have made you vulnerable.
You can't meassure how much effect a happening is going o have on a person, it all depends on how you were raised, where in life you were, how others reacted, what mood you were in, everything.
For example some days it might make you mad when your little sister flicks your ears and other days you just think it's funny. We're all so very different, and being affected by this dosn't make you a bad person. I'm sure the people close to this were helped, you weren't. It makes a difference.

[Rio_]

Thanks, Is_this_the_right_place. I guess that's true.

I think the teacher was wrong to do that as well, but when I told my mum about it she didn't agree...how could the teacher have been sure they weren't actually upset, though? Is it obvious when someone's faking it?

I didn't actually see anyone hurt - at least not close-up, anyway. All I saw were ambulances in the carpark from my classroom window, and children getting put into them. I can't remember when I found out what had actually happened...I knew it was bad not too long after, though, I think. That might have something to do with it - I'm not sure what age you learn about that sort of thing, but 6 probably isn't too far off.

Good point. I can't remember any of those things, though, apart from others' reactions - I know dad was smiling when he came to pick me up from school, when everyone got sent home. But that's all.

That's true, thanks. I expect the people who were directly affected got help, although there weren't many that survived.

[(JD)]

Well, I wasn't there and I don't know the personalities of those girls...

what I do know is that anyone who has been traumatized, whether they have PTSD resulting from it or not, will be sensitized to similar situations.

If you do suffer from PTSD, then nearly anything that has any element of your trauma, will retraumatize you. (This is in general, without therapy etc.)

If you are identifying with other's trauma, that is common. IMO you need to continue to seek answers in your own life to be sure you are not also being triggered to parts of a trauma situation you did experience.

TC You aren't a terrible person unless you are leading us all on, which I am not worried about

[Rio_]

Thanks for replying, Sky. I can't remember who the girls were (I think it was in P6, which would make it 6 years ago), so I don't know what they were like either. Even if I did remember who they were, it might not make much difference...people change.

That's good to know it's a common thing. It's no fun, though.

I don't think it's likely there are any trauma situations I've directly experienced...I'd remember something, surely?

Thanks again!

[Perna]

We're both individuals and connected/affected by one another. It's not horrible to need help; everyone needs attention, none of us can do this alone. Trying to make one's self feel better by exaggerating what we've done and seen is not bad either, as long as it never fools us too. I did like you and blew up a little, very short flirtation with a boy on the beach into a story about his teaching me how to surf which I maintained for maybe 10 years :-) We all want to be part of a beloved group. Gets confusing though if you are hurting but then others who are hurting are ridiculed. The teacher was wrong in that instance. Being upset and triggered by the recent school shootings is appropriate for lots of people who weren't there I imagine. Be who you are, Rio, if you're upset by your past being triggered, so be it; you don't have to make others (or yourself) "believe" you by claiming association with a known upset group. Look at the people who are upset by 9-11 who weren't anywhere near and didn't know anyone in the City. But even so, just because it's Nation-sanctioned shouldn't be why someone "allows" themself to feel upset. I'm way out of school (56) but that gunmen go into public places that are supposed to be safe (like holding up restaurants or stores), could just as arbitrarily show up at a public library or something, makes all of us a bit scared, even without a past that's triggered.

[silver_queen]

I agree with Perna, all these random shootings can make anybody fear for their lives and wonder what might happen when going out. Same with terrorism. It might happen in any place on any day but it's a risk that has to be taken. I'm going to a university in a large UK city and I have to face the fact that one day there might be some kind of terrorist attack on it. In fact it's more likely there I think than in London, where security is high.

School shootings are scary and shocking and I think they make everybody worry about what might happen at their educational institution. But probably ppl cope with it thinking 'It'll never happen to me/ to this school'. But I think in your case, since you were actually in a school involved in a shooting, it would just make you hyper-aware of every event and would probably raise your anxiety/ fear each time. You're definitely NOT attention-seeking, and you're perfectly welcome at this site. I think the fact that you continue to think about Dunblane is perfectly natural... it didn't touch on you personally but it affected a place you were educated in, and it *could* have affected you.

((((((((((( Rio )))))))))))))

[(JD)]

There are things to do to feel and be safer. Contact the local police for any community safety course they hold. (Often they have these for all age groups, how to be safe when driving alone, shopping, at home answering the door, etc.) Any one of these will teach you HOW to be alert without being afraid.

Also, always go with your "gut" instinct. I often change the road I planned to drive on, just "because." Few things happen to me, it could be for that reason. (But can't prove a negative anyway. )

Being PROACTIVE in your safety is a good thing. Plus, it helps reduce fear. ((tc))

[Rio_]

Thanks, Perna. I'm glad that exaggerating is not necessarily a bad thing...I think it may have fooled me at the time, but not for long. Obviously it couldn't when I found out exactly what happened. That's a cute story! I think the teacher was wrong as well - I don't see how she could have known if the girls were trying to get attention or not. Thanks. And that's a good point...even though I don't live in America and have never been to New York in my life, I still try and avoid hearing about 9/11 as much as I can...I've never seen the footage of the planes actually crashing, and I hope I never will.

Thanks again! And sorry my reply's so late.

[Rio_]

(((((silver_queen))))) Thanks. Terrorism isn't much of a problem round here - one of the advantages of living in a small town, I guess! (Although I think they arrested someone under anti-terrorism laws in Alva a while ago...) Hope you manage to stay safe - if it's a big city, it must realise there's a possibility of attacks and be prepared, especially after what happened in London.

That might well be it. And thanks! I think worrying about what people think of me is probably something I have to work on as well, but I think that'd belong on a different board.

[Rio_]

Those are good ideas, thanks Sky! I've actually been wanting to take self-defence classes for a while as well...I keep meaning to look into that but forgetting.

((Sky))

[(JD)]

Your are quite welcome Self defense such as Tang Soo do, Judo etc also help immensely with thought control, discipline. I'm sure my training continues to help me through my disability.