Talk sense into me, please

I'm having one of those days. The days when everything is irritating me, and I just want to fly off the handle. I want to scream at someone. Although, I know that doing so will not make anything better, so I'm trying so hard to control myself.

I know that I'm supposed to pay attention to my breathing, do my muscle relaxation exercises blah, blah, blah, and I have, but it's just not making a difference today.

I keep thinking about how I was "pre-trauma", and how I am today. I keep telling myself to "knock this crap off. Get with it. People have gone through so much more than you have. You don't deserve to feel this way. You were so much stronger before it happened. What happened to that girl?"

I know these are not the right thoughts to have. I would never think, nor tell anyone else who is going through it the things that I have been telling myself. My problem is that I am so much more critical of myself than anyone else. I know that it's wrong. But can someone please tell my why we do it? Can someone please tell me why we hold ourselves to a higher standard than anyone else when we know it's being unfair to ourselves?

I know that my T would tell me to just change the way I am thinking. But it's so hard when you believe the things you are telling yourself. Right down to the core.

I know it's only temporary, and this too shall pass. I'm just having a really rough day, and I guess I needed to vent.

Hey,

I can relate to this completely. Especially:
"My problem is that I am so much more critical of myself than anyone else."

What's funny is like you mentioned, we KNOW this is wrong thinking , but can't just seem to 'snap out of it'. Why we do this to ourselves, I'm not sure...I think (related to the trauma) we've become conditioned to tell ourselves that we are less than and undeserving. This has become our default mindset. We are trapped in self-doubt which was created by fear. Then it's a constant loop playing over and over in our minds until we actually perceive it as a fact. I can reassure you this is not the case, it's merely perception not a fact. We know this...some days we just have to ride the wave of feelings I guess.

And you know, some days my relaxation and meditation practices don't make a difference AT ALL. My head is stuck in a cyclical loop of negativity, anger and self-doubt. Everything gets under my skin and every time I try to change my thinking it just goes back there. I guess I don't have much for advice, but I can relate to your feelings. So at least you can know you're not alone in them if that's any help at all.

Yup, my biggest problem, too. I laid out many of my good qualities, I came up with a list of 30 attributes for my T. I'm a nice guy and treat people like I want to be treated.

And I tell myself all of the time that I am the worst scumbag in the world, worse than a pedophile or rapist or murderer, all because I have a mental health issue.

Thank you stratocaster, and MowtownJohnny.

Stratocaster, you said exactly what I think I needed to hear. Your words were very thoughtful and kind. It really does have a calming affect to know that you aren't the only one that feels the way you do. Although, I am sorry that you and MowtownJohnny do understand the way it feels. I wish you didn't. I think I will always remember your response when I get stuck again.

MowtownJohnny, I don't know you, but I believe that you do treat people the way you want to be treated. You replied to my post. That means you are a caring person. That's such an important and wonderful trait to have. I look forward to seeing you around.

"I keep thinking about how I was "pre-trauma", and how I am today. I keep telling myself to "knock this crap off. Get with it. People have gone through so much more than you have. You don't deserve to feel this way. You were so much stronger before it happened. What happened to that girl?"" quote ImperfectMe

This is pretty much what everyone with PTSD struggles with. You have to get to the point where you learn to stop beating yourself up and allowing yourself to "feed into the anger and frustration" that comes from the fact that "you suffer from PTSD and you now have to spend time and have lots of patience with yourself so you can "slowly heal".

What you had before was just the ability to be able to go along thinking that "bad things happen to other people and "not you". You developed your own unique way that gave you a sense of "control" and maybe it was not as healthy as you thought.
And now that you have faced a situation that profoundly affected your overall sense of "control over your life", you are not really sure "how to proceed" and you are "more aware on every level then you have ever been before".

It is important to remember that we are designed to become much more "aware" when we experience something that "threatens our sense of safety and control".
As time passes and we gain more knowledge and experience with life, we also can get to a point where we begin to have a greater sense of overall "awareness" as well.

It is important to allow yourself to "slowly" take the time to understand that anything from your past that presented some kind of "loss of control" will come forward in waves and you have to be "patient" when that happens until you understand what this "wave of confusion really means" so you can finally resolve it.

For myself, I have finally realized that I am never going to be the person that I used to be before I developed PTSD. I had picked up some coping skills along the way where I was "not managing" the challenges around me as well as I had thought.
However, considering the actual challenges, I did manage to survive a lot and whatever defense mechanisms I had developed were not so bad considering the various challenges put in front of me.

The "gain on PTSD" begins to "slowly" and I emphasize "slowly" come as you have taken the time to do some sorting and be able to look at the wide view of who you are and what you have developed as "coping mechanisms' along the way that was the "old you that managed that wall that finally broke where you now have PTSD".

You have to take on a new overall way of "self care" during this "trauma work and therapy" and as you do so, you will start to have these "beating self up" days slowly reduce more and more.

Everyone has these "beat yourself up moments", however, when someone has PTSD, all the emotional challenges, whatever the emotion is becomes "magnified".
It is like "any other injury" we experience, when we experience an alarm that tells us to go easy because something has been injured and needs time and care to heal.

It is always important to remember, that "new skills" have to be used and the only way a person can actually "achieve" any new skill is by "practicing it over and over" until this skill becomes more and more engrained where like tying our shoe laces, we do it without even giving it much thought.

(((Patience, lots of Patience)))

OE

I think the battle in our heads is the whole war once the precipitating trauma is over. A statement that should be obvious, but I only came to that realization in the past week or so. It's weird situation, at times it feels like the whole word has it in for me, it borders on or has the flavor of paranoia. And, one event can start the cascade of self-recrimination, self-doubt, and the crash in self-esteem. Yet, the external world doesn't have a clue, unless I choose to share it. I go through my days being completely functional, acting completely "normal", whatever that is, and no one knows how bad I feel inside on some days.

I honestly do not understand why I do it to myself. It is completely illogical. Everything in my life outwardly says "successful" -career, nice home in a nice town, material things I want or need, no history of anything wild or out of control. Yet I equate myself in my mind to the worst of the worst, I literally told my therapist I was worse than some back alley rapist and should be taken out to a field somewhere and shot for the good of humanity. I believe that type of absolute crap. Yet, I do good things and hardly accept it myself, and God forbid if someone else praises me, I always cut them off with comments about how undeserving I really am. I know I'm not a bad guy, even in the worst of my despair the only person I was ever dangerous to was myself. I actually really like people, I would lie much more social interaction, more friends, I'm actually pretty lonely. I try and do good things, for example, I did a 100 kilometer bike ride for charity this past summer and raised over $600 in pledges. I think that sort of thing should make me feel I'm better than said rapist, but even when it does the effect wears off quickly, and I'm back to doom and gloom.

Honestly, the past 3 days, I have thought about all of the negatives much less. I think it is either the Prozac, although only after 5-7 days would it do much? Or more likely, the placebo effect. Whichever, I don't care, it is a relief.

" And, one event can start the cascade of self-recrimination, self-doubt, and the crash in self-esteem. Yet, the external world doesn't have a clue, unless I choose to share it. I go through my days being completely functional, acting completely "normal", whatever that is, and no one knows how bad I feel inside on some days." quote MowtownJohnny

You need to keep in mind that this is how the average person can feel, only with PTSD it is "super magnified" at times. Also, some of this "self criticism" is connected to how you were feeling when you were young and receiving these "negative messages as a child". You haven't really "connected" the dots on that "yet".

Our brains are "very complex" Mowtown. For example, I was talking to my T today about how much the brain and even body remembers abuse or trauma of some kind.
He told me that he has sat with patients that recall being "choked" as they were abused and he could see the red marks form on their throats as if someone had just let go in an actual choking (they were not touching their throats either, all they were doing is talking about it). He told me it is amazing how our brains and bodies can remember.

I have "relived" many times the emotional challenges I had as a child, the depression and stress and anxiety. I have finally "connected" the dots and now I can help myself better when I am triggered and have these bad days. Before I just didn't understand it and constantly "struggled".

When you get "hard on yourself" I really think that you are expressing and feeling the past. You can help yourself gain on this by making sure you keep reminding yourself, that was then "not now". That is what my T talked about with me today. I am so glad I have such a good T. Having a T that really understands "trauma recovery" is such a blessing.

Don't allow yourself to feed into these bad days Mowtown, you can do better. You took some time to "reclaim your yard again", IMHO, that did more for you then any pill.

(((Hugs)))
OE