"Gifted" and Guilty! does this make sense to anyone?

I have a high iq. I'm not a "genius" but I'm two or three standard deviations above average. I am also disabled by ptsd and other things that run my neurotransmitters down.

I am working with a case manager from the county. I feel so ashamed! I feel real pain over this. Case managers are social workers and social work college is the college with the lowest admissions requirements.

This is so uncomfortable for me. I went to a meeting of case managers who worked with victims of a local natural disaster. They were being taught about ptsd and working with trauma. Inweint because Im interested in trauma treatment. I thought the talk might be about new therapies. My area has a lot of innovative therapists. The talk was kind of dumbed down, BUT I felt waves of compassion for these case managers who worked with traumatised people. Vicarious trauma is a huge chunk of my own trauma history. So I was almost in tears realising my case managers probably cared about me and probably wanted me to be oK and probably suffered when I storm in spewing my anxiety. But even as I felt these big waves of compassion and sympathy, d also felt so ashamed because I realised I'd been really hard on these vulnerable kindly people who aren't like doctors and lawyers, or even school teachers, who are closer to the gentle downs syndrome kid than a lawyer. I felt so sorry. But five minutes later they were having a raffle, and they seemed so dumb and empty headed and I felt hatred and rage. I need adequate case management and these people are all empty headed little fools.
E
These strong feelings torment me. I Feel such protective care got them, I have such empathy for them, and it makes me angry! I am angry because I Feel I am can'tretaking them because I'm smart and aware of their issues but they are neglecting me because they are dumb.

Being highly intelligent doesn't mean am not in need of help dealing with my impairments in this mind boggling government maze.

Ove thought about suicide beccause it seems to me that this system is for retarded people onnly and I don't belong. I need help but I don't belong in the helping system.

This has to be some childhood pain, some "soft trauma" around feeling guilty because I was smarter or others were dumber.

Does thos make sense to anyone? Its really painful, to feel so guilty because I feel such compassion and also such anger, because people aren't very smart. Im ashamed of being angry and angry because I feel compassion and care for people who do not express competence and care for me. It's not their fault! This is NOT who I am but I want to slap them and about at them to wake up, get smarter, and go do their work like competent people. Then I feel like a very bad person. Sigh.

Please help me make sense of this. It hurts me and I'm crying. Life is just unfair and horrible.

(((((((((((Teacake)))))))))))))))),

You "are" very smart, I did notice that about you. I am wondering if you were a smart child whose parents were inadequate. Also Teacake, not only are you intelligent, but you have read a lot about PTSD, it has been your main focus, it had to be because having PTSD is so crippling and there is a desire to try to solve it and do better. Well, you have PTSD so you are already ahead of these people because you experience it first hand, while they are learning about it from the outside and as you have noticed in a simple program that doesn't require a great amount of intelligence, you are way ahead of them, you are way out in stratosphere compared to these people, I get that.

Yes, I am sorry, but you are going to be disappointed in this government run program. You need to remember that the system is broken and has been for a while, our government cannot fix that overnight, even over a few years. Actually, you would probably be happier teaching these people, unfortunately they are not smart enough where they would take kindly to that, which you already know and it is aggravating you.

The kind of help you want Teacake is very expensive, if you are rich you can get it, but if you are financially challenged, well sorry.

I understand your anger too, I have a hard time because now that I understand PTSD and have had decent therapy and read more then just the symptoms one can look up online, it is very hard for me to see how badly I was treated when I reached out for help. I have my records and I expressed all the "clear" red flags that should have sent a loud and definite message I was a trauma patient in crisis. Yet I was misdiagnosed and not helped at all but instead only further traumatized.

My therapist told me that psych wards (not all but a lot) are really just a place to stabilize and move on to outpatient care. It is not like the old days where there were places that took more time and gave more care. He did say that an effort is being made to teach the staff at these places how to identify a trauma patient. He said our system is broken and what I needed, is too expensive to provide now. The staff just goes through the motions and is often not engaging or all that knowledgeable as you are describing. Your empathy was place correctly, it really isn't the fault of these people, they really don't know any better, they have good hearts, they want to help, but they are only getting the minimum, it is too expensive to get the kind of staff you want. I know how sad it is on the one hand but is very aggravating and frustrating because you know first hand the severity of the need for good and qualified and true professional help.

You are the kind of person who needs to be with someone smarter than you where you can learn something new. And you "do" read the latest from the brightest that will probably never be in the place you are describing. Unfortunately, the place you are describing will just run on a simple program, there will not be "real meat and potatoes" to it.

Everyone talks about all this health care stuff taking place where people will be insured and can gain access to healthcare and not go without. Well, that doesn't mean what these people get will be truly adequate or good professionals. I know someone who worked in a clinic for those who struggle to afford healthcare, she had to leave and said it was awful. Affordable, well there is a lot more to it then just the patient being able to afford, because Affordable also means keeping someplace afloat, which means cheaper, and often staffed with people who are just adequate or young and learning. There are not enough Patch Adams out there either.

It's very frustrating and disappointing, but whatever you do, don't kill yourself over it. You have to understand, something is better than nothing, and yes, we have quite a way to go to fix our broken system. I understand the frustration, but whatever you do, do your best to contain it, don't scare these poor people, you have figured out they just wont get it. No, they are not going to look back at you and realize "why" you are so frustrated, yeah, I know, that is a big let down too.

Ah, just another thing to grieve right? I am sure it is triggering too, not much better then how most people "just don't get it".

(((Hugs)))
OE

Yep, I'm the same way. I test in the 96th percentile for intelligence, but it's hard for me to succeed in life becuase of my CPTSD. I have been dismissed throughout my life as a person who shouldn't need help because I'm so smart. Stupid people receive help more easily because people perceive them as being "worthy" of help, just based on their stupidity alone. Then I sometimes feel guilty for being like an elitist or something because I'm annoyed by stupid people.

I also get mad because stupid people advance more easily at work, even though they hardly do anything and they can't seem to make sense of the work that we are trying to do.

Big intelligence is as cumbersome as big hair. Its just hard to be the smartest person in the room. Its lonely.

To make it worse we are a persecuted minority. Muslims and blacks have it haré too, but Ive never seen bumper stickers teasing, "my kid beat up your black Muslim kid".

When we are mentally ill people just dont get that intelligence cranks up the volume on trauma and everything else.

We arent just brainiacs. We are also sensitive, often very moral people. Trauma seems to shred us on Ways it only snags more normal people. We have empathy. Big empathy.

I think Most of us have insecurities from childhoods in which we were always át least a little different and a little misunderstood. We learned not to he too free and easy lest we reveal something to stop conversTion and have others staring with big round eyes and mouths. We grow up knowing we are freaks.

People are wary of is because we could trick them and make copla of them or take advantage of them. Wariness becomes hostility. We also near the brunt of wveryone who was once a tormented kid pressured to read before he was reset or made to feel dumb in achool.

Its hard. Stupidity mucks up the world and we can only watch in horror, so it seems ar times. There is refuge in art and music and literature--usually created by smart people with serious drug habits who died young.

((Teacake)),

How you are feeling? Well, that is how many vets feel that struggle with PTSD or see so much reality that when they come back home people around them tend to aggravate them, seem rather dumb too.

Yes, you "are" very sensitive and you "do" see more, so much more than the average person who can "just" go along not seeing some of the "big" realities.

Yes, emotions and empathy are both very magnified with PTSD too. Yes, the awareness is also "magnified". And yes, it is very frustrating and often lonely too. It is like the person who struggles is "very wide awake" and other people are just half asleep at best.

You are not the only one challenged this way though. I think you were expecting so much more when you went to that treatment facility, and what you saw was "half asleep people walking around" instead of having someone there that was actually "wide awake with genuine knowledge about how you are challenged".

I get very frustrated too Teacake, knowing what I know now and looking back on how much I tried to reach out for help and said all the right red flags, and I was not heard.

I am having a really hard time right now tbh. I saw what happened, my husband also saw it too, and I developed this damn disorder because of it, I have such a hard time going outside and being around my ponies and horses, hearing my neighbors next door, knowing that THEY KNEW and they admitted it and in spite of all my efforts to do everything possible, both legally and psychologically, I WAS LET DOWN OVER AND OVER. I wish, oh god I wish I could get people to understand how crippling this is, how hard it is and how cruel it was to keep me in this for going on 7 years now. This is WRONG, this is so WRONG and unjust. I feel badly for anyone who goes through what I have been through, it is just out right cruel.

OE

I have been wanting to start a thread to vent. And there is just so damn much that
I don't even know where to begin.

OE

Hey Teacake: I just posted a new thread about classrooms and classmates. It's related to this one. If we didn't have PTSD, would we still be messed up, just because of our big boobs? (I mean brains. I meant to say big brains, teehee.)

Which big boobs? You talking about our hefty bosoms or our milieu? Lol!

I think being two or more standard deviations away from average is trauma. We didn't have a chance.

I made a big faux pas in the mental health center. I treat clients exactly as I treat staff. I meant no harm. I try to be the same wherever I am. The truth is if I'm not isolating I need to be among bright people or I become depressed. Average iq people are a drain on me, much more so than mentally disabled people. I think its the weak egos and strong ego defenses. Bright people must be very wary among the average. Sigh.

The problem is public schools where we were grouped by age and formed identities around how we measured up. It was cruel to us all.