Just want some peace.

I've posted a few times, but I'm new to all this. I have PTSD. Maybe if I get this out it will help me sleep. I don't know what to do. I just want some kind of peace.
I was sexually abused as a child for a long time. I was 8 when I was raped the first time. It continued for a few years. It was my babysitter's brother and his friend. They hurt me physically as well. I had to have surgeries because of the internal damage. My cervix had been ruptured but I never told anyone. I didn't even know about sex until then but I felt so ashamed. I still remember being in a panic to hide the bloody clothes because I didn't want to get in trouble. I felt like my mom and dad would hate me.
When I was 15 I started dating my husband. We married when I was 19, Everything was ok for the first 5-6 years but then he started saying terrible things when he was mad and trying to control everything I did. He didn't let me talk to anyone, barely even family. I couldn't have a phone or wear anything he didn't approve of. If I wore any makeup he would tell me I was a ***** and to go wash it off. Then a few months ago he got mad and left one night and he stayed gone a few days. I felt a lot better when he was gone and I realized that I didn't want to be around him anymore. I told him that and that's when he turned into a monster. He started abusing me really bad and threatening to kill me. I had to fear for my life every day for a couple months. He first started throwing things, then throwing things at me, then throwing me into walls,then hitting me with objects, then slapping me, then kicking me repeatedly... He kicked me repeatedly between my legs so much that he damaged the nerves and fractured my pelvic bones in 3 places. I peed blood for a week. Then a little over a month later the scar tissue formed and caused so much damage that I had to have a total hysterectomy. I'm only 32. I NEVER thought he would do those things to me. I really loved him but not now. He hurt me so much. He started trying to force me to have sex with him. This was after he would beat the crap out of me. He wasn't nice about it either. He tried to hurt me and wanted to see me suffer. He said things to me that I can't get out of my head. I felt like I was in hell. Being raped is the worst feeling I've ever had-you feel so helpless and humiliated, but being raped by someone that you loved so much...it feels like your soul is being crushed. I trusted him, I have children with him. I thought about when we sat together and listened to our twins heartbeats for the first time. I trusted him, and it turned into this. Its an evil betrayal. I don't know how I can get over it. I sleep an hour or so at a time and when I sleep it happens over and over and over. I'm afraid to sleep because I don't want to feel everything again. It doesn't matter that I'm asleep because the pain is real and I have to deal with it everyday. I worry it won't go away. God, it hurts so much and I am wasting my life like this. I feel angry when I really think about it. I try to treat people good and I don't know why my life is so hard but I don't want to feel angry. I don't want to be ungrateful. I'm thankful for my life but I wish I could be happy. This is hurting worse than I thought, so I better stop for now. Thank you for reading.

A.n.g.e.l., I am so sorry all this abuse happened to you. No wonder you have PTSD. If you are not seeing a therapist, then I highly recommend that you do, so you can work through all this trauma and get some peace.

You might also post in the Survivors of Abuse forum here. Many folks there will be able to relate to what you have gone through.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Angel)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you have experienced all those horrible abuses on you. Are you somewhere safe now away from your husband who is abusing you? Do you see a therapist you can sit with and sort through "your challenges" so you can get the comfort and validation you deserve?

It does help and bring relief to talk about it Angel, you have a lot to grieve and heal from in what you have shared here. I can relate to the struggle with sleeping that you are describing, I had to take Klonopin for a while at night to help me sleep, but a pdoc might prescribe something different/better.

The things that happened to you were "not your fault", and often PTSD can present a lot of inner guilt and confusion, but, as you get help and support and finally work through all this, you will begin to feel some much needed relief. If you spend time reading different threads in the abuse forum, you will see that you are not alone in experiencing the challenges and confusion from suffering abuse and none of these members sharing their stories are to blame for their challenges either.

Yes, it is very hard when someone we love and trusted abuses us too, it is very confusing to understand how that can happen. It is not the victim's fault either, it means the person who is abusive has something "wrong" with them. Often abuser's just do not realize how much they are "messed up" either and they express that with their excessive need to control others and yes, they often lash out hurting their wives/girlfriends because they lose control of themselves. Often a victim gets caught up and a strange cycle with an abuser and think they can manage the abuse somehow, but the truth is they can't because and abuser needs professional help and it isn't something the victim can fix.

Be very "kind" to yourself and allow yourself to slowly heal and do what you need to do to be "safe" too. Talking about it like this is an important step for you so you can learn you are not alone and get the comfort, validations, and support you need to finally heal.

(((Caring Hugs))))
OE

That is horrible. As a man, I almost feel like I shouldn't comment, but domestic violence isn't just a "women's issue" at all. Not all abusers are men, although most are, I recognize that.

What happened to you is terrible, both your childhood of being raped/molested, and again being abused by your husband.

You don't make it clear whether or not you are "safe" from him now, but if you are not, you need to be. I hope you are. If not, I hope you can find the courage to contact a domestic violence crisis line and tell them what you wrote here. He needs treatment, obviously, but he also deserves to answer to the legal system for what he did to you.

Please be safe.

I am so sorry you have been hurt so much, that you had to live through that - none of it should ever have happened to you.

Thank you all so much. He is in a mental hospital. I am trying to start putting my life back together but its very difficult. I want to be able to talk to a therapist. I have been to therapy several times but I freeze up, then feel humiliated and it almost makes it worse. I can't talk at all to the therapist. There are only a couple people in my life that I can talk to. Really only 1 friend that I have told about the abuse and its even hard for me to talk to her. I want to talk to her, but I still freeze up a lot. Whenever I am able to talk to her, I feel a ton of relief and I can sleep a little better. She is a great friend and I know I can trust her. Its just hard talking about it with someone I don't know or trust (therapist). I knew my friend for years before I reached out to her. I really do want to be able to talk to a therapist. I just can't figure out how to be able to. It is very frustrating for me.

Angel

You do NOT have to talk about It. There are therapies that do NOT require to to talk about It. EMDR is one effective therapy for PTSD that does not require you to talk about It. brainspotting os another. You can also look for body centerd trauma therapies. Yoga is great for ptsd.

My good friend was treated as you were but in a different situation. We rhought talking about would help him get better. It made him worse.

Talk can retraumatise.

Your Medical doctors know your injuries. Ask them to refer you toood psychiatrist or therapist who.can work with.Severe frauma.
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Honor your instinct. Some.people need.to talk, like the words fly rom.their mouths. Some people do not want to.talk. dont force yourself. Especially people who have been forced should not feel.forced.in therapy.

A lot of what therapy is and how It works is a relationship with someone who accepts yo as you are, like a mother should, so you can love yourself. A lot of good therapy can happen without talking about trauma.

I hope it goes well for you. 32 is still young. You can recover from. ptsd and do a lot to heal physically. You can have a great life. I really hope you do.