[MotownJohnny]

Thank you for being here, even if "here", a support forum, isn't a place any of would want to have to frequent, because none of us want to suffer in the first place. But, since we do, it is so much better to have a place where other people understand.

I have had a hard week, emotionally and physically. I have a number of physical health problems. As a kid, I was kind of "sickly", I had respiratory infections and tonsillitis several times a year. I had a couple of bouts with pneumonia, in the hospital about 4 or 5 days when I was 4, and that I think contributed to current problems. When I was 19, ironically at a time in my life when I was at my lowest adult weight ever, I felt very bad during the summer between my freshman and sophomore year, and I finally asked them to come get me from the university and take me to the doctor - I was diagnosed with type II diabetes and put on a diet to limit carbs and eat low glycemic index foods, plus I seem to recall some kind of little green pill.

I stopped seeing doctors in my 20's, didn't go for 20 years, would tough out an illness or injury. I also gave up any exercise, stopped riding my bike, stopped jogging in my late 20s. And I ate the S.A.D. full of toxins posing as food, refined simple carbs, salty fatty meats, artificial blech. I went up and down in weight, would put on 30-40 lbs, get disgusted and go to Weight Watchers and drop it, keep it off a while, and then do that all over again - I repeated that cycle probably 5 or 6 times in 20 years. I really gained weight in 2011-2012, I was 60 lbs heavier than I am this morning, and it was horrible.

All of that has taken a toll, and as much as I have made strides and am in many ways in the best shape of my life, aesthetically if nothing else (size 34 pants are now a little loose, 2 years ago I was wearing size 42 and they were straining at the seams), I have caused myself permanent damage. This week, I have struggled physically, ended up at the doctor for a problem, and I hate it. Who I want to be in my mind is complicated by my body's unwillingness to forgive me for abusing it.

I wish I knew then what I know now ... Things would be very different.

[Open Eyes]

((( Mowtown))), it is really nice to have people who can really relate to how we struggle. It is nice to be able to strip away as much as the materialistic and physical and just be able to open up and talk. While you have felt alone, you have been able to see that so many others have that challenge too. When we think of "normal" often we think of something that isn't really normal compared to how we struggle, normal is living life, and having challenges and also having times where we look back on our lives and wish we had done things differently or known more. Normal is also thinking about presenting
this public image even though behind the door of our home, we struggle and have problems.

I think that what is important is that you are making it a point to improve yourself "now". Try to make sure that you stay on track with that and that you don't look back and think about beating yourself up for whatever you didn't see or do before. There were things you just didn't know, there were people around you that "didn't know" that have affected you. You were handed a lot of lemons and you managed to keep making lemonaide, that is who you are in your core, a survivor. You had points where you were low and was not
at your physical best, but you kept working at changing that too. What I hear in you is that you had some big challenges and that you were there for "you" the best way you knew how to be, yes you had some extreme lows too, but there was a part of "you" that stepped up and wanted you to keep living and learning, which you are doing. And you are also at a point where you are also seeing others and stepping up to help and support them too. That is important, when we can do that we are doing our own part in life to hear and help others and share whatever we learned and gained ourselves.

(((Hugs))))

[MotownJohnny]

Thank you, OE. You are in such an epic battle, but you always give back to everyone here. That speaks volumes to the quality of your character.

Nothing this week has been "normal", even by my standards. I am glad I have this site.

[glok]

Hello, MotownJohnny. The past cannot be undone. Tomorrow is an unknown. We can choose to better ourselves now. What you are doing is important.

Congratulations on what you have accomplished.

[Teacake]

What's going on, Johnny? Do you want to talk about it?

I told you on another thread I'm afraid you are burning out. We have three basic states, two of them are highly aroused. The third is relaxation, parasympathy. A lot of us bounce between sympathetic arousal and parasympathetic opiate-calm and never know we aren't resting.

Fixing that can fix a lot of things.

The body is not unforgiving. It's you. Give it some rest, and I didnt sat stop working or training just add deep relaxation...do tre, there I said it, and see.

The way you said it males me feel concerned. It's OK to talk about it. I don't recall reading how old you are but around fifty, I begin to feel mortal. For the first time I realise suicide may have competition for what takes me out. It's scary.

You've inspired me, Johnny, to address my whole life , and make it better. So talk if you want.

[MotownJohnny]

Teacake, I am very close to 50, although I guess like Jack Benny I will only admit to 29 (I think that was one of his running gags on his show).

I know that I did much of the damage to my body through abuse and neglect. Some is probably intrinsic, genetic or environmental, whatever.

I just have felt something is wrong for a long time. Then, of course, in some ways, I think I sound like a hypochondriac. Of course, now, whenever I see any doctor, I wonder how much of my "history" they know - do they know where I was, do they hold it against me, do they consider me a crackpot or a faker? So far, none of them seem to ... I am deeply paranoid of the electronic medical records, as it makes it no doubt much easier to access those kinds of records.

I want to be gloriously healthy, like so many of the guys I have gotten to know at my gym, the true athletes, many of who are in their 50s and even 60s and are competing in ironmans, marathons, criteriums and time trials and swimming events. I'm trying, and something is holding me back from getting the results I want. It isn't mental. It's purely physical, I do not have the stamina I really need for certain exercises. I can do them, but I really struggle. A 10K for me might as well be an ironman. I also do not think it is purely a matter of conditioning, as I am very inconsistent, and it correlates with physical signs and symptoms. I have been trying to get answers, working though organ systems and medical specialties for a year and half. I don't want to be too specific in a public post, only because I don't need to be any more personally identifiable than I already am, which is far too identifiable because I'm a total blabbermouth and can't stop talking. Anyway, the doctor took samples for blood and urinalysis.

And, of course, you are right - I know I can't keep going at this pace for much longer. This is where the mental aspect comes in - I have felt so afraid to stop any one thing, and I always feel like I need to do "more" - to keep my sanity, to keep my freedom, to keep myself safe from "the system" (oh, the joys of paranoia, I guess). So, it is a conundrum. I am leaning seriously towards dropping my strength training for a while after my guy leaves, I can do enough maintenance on my own not to regress. If I can get medical answers, or at least better management so I don't have flareups of the symptoms, I think I need to take all of this in a different tack in the future. One thing, not all over the board, one integrated training program, one trainer/coach. I know that can happen, they have the exact program I am want.

There are days when I feel like I want to die, or think about it, anyway. But those are much, much less frequent than they used to be. Overall, no, I want to live, really live, not just exist.

Despite how horrible the circumstances that got me there, I have come to know some very inspiring people, I want to be like them and be with them. I just can't quite make it, because I am being held back by whatever physically is wrong with me.

[MotownJohnny]

Score one point for me in the "I'm really not a hypochondriac" game - a couple of my symptoms are physically quantifiable, empirically measurable - can't fake that. It's not like I'm just saying "it hurts" or "I don't feel good".

[Teacake]

I hear you. I smoked tobacco and drank whiskey. They tell me im not the type. Im not ashamed. Even sitting in a really nice yoga studio in North Carolina, feeling really self conscious because while I hadnt emplee since I left for the airport, I smelled of American Spirit (rolled mg me in organoc hemp.papers, lol) I was doing TRE and on the one Hans cringing from shame at stinking, but on the other defiantly holding mg allegience to the hunched over frail smoking asylees of the world. The hard core traumatised Ive adopted as my tribe. We are people too.

But thats me and im crazy.

Johnny, wont you please buy David Bercelis book on Kindle and give the exercises thirty minutes of your time?

Im NOT saying you need to "slow down" or take away anything from your routine. I am saying you might need to get your body into that relaxed parasympathetic state some of the time. Deep relaxation restores and rejuvenates.

Take ten minutes ans look up Mikal Vega's Vital Warrior page. I am sure TRE can help you. I truest how otuer things will too. Tre you can learn from a ten dollar book on kindle right now. You can learn from a boom. Im not a a shining example of stability these says but tre didnt hurt me. I have other issues. Youve got good support of you need it.

Shaking off traumátic tensión is stunning. I dont believe the woo surrounding it, but Ive experienced Incredible sleep, feeling refreshed, letting go and feeling life is possible, reconnecting to the life.force, wanting to live, a feeling of "I have breath so í have hope and she who has hope has everything" feeling young again.

Sorry its a mess. Im supposed to be cleaning. Maybe I can connect a proper keyboard to my phone. I think mg son had phone connected to keyboard and monitor when he was out. This thumb tuoing makes me mad, wirh the cottonwood blowing around like some curse on Pharoah.