falling apart

I met my neighbor in the drive. She asked how i am and I lost it, and let her hold me sobbing in the rain.

I.feel physically like I am wearing heavy garments, motorcycle leathers or armor and just want to wiggle out. Its physically tiring to hold my defenses on.

I want to throw down all my weapons and resume my fair form.

I shivered for hours in hospital. I had to. Id wake frozen with fear. I'd shiver it down.
I.dreamed I tied on my karate gi jacket but I tied it on right over left, for burial.

I do this Persephone thing just about every July, this death and resurrection, this horror. Its not depression. Its horror. I feel horror. It feels like a truck ran through my middle.
Prozac is keeping me on my feet. Its giving me some backbone. I feel náusea. I wake paralysed with fear. I shake it down until I.am exhausted. Its not protocol but I dont know what eles to do. Its kind of like childbirth though. Mother Nature is a great teacher.

Im afraid. I dont mind saying it. Im trying to fall apart nice and easy, like slipping out of soft clothes, trying not to resist. Roll through and bounce back. I know this process so well it should be easy but it never is.

Ive asked my son to come out. I dont have to be alone anymore.

I know im disjointed. Im dissociative and psychotic, a little, may drive to hospital later just to hang out. Just to be safe.

Teacake, you write so poignantly, dare I even say "beautifully" in a way, about your history and experiences, and you are so cognizant of what is happening to you, why, and how it plays out. Yet like all of us, you are powerless to stop or really control it, by and large. I think that speaks to the fundamental nature of the beast, emotion running roughshod over reason. This is the state of "acute self-awareness" mentioned in that one link.

I wish I had something to offer you. I am sorry the anniversary date brings you to this state. Please be safe.

Take care of yourself Teacake~ I'm glad you asked and received some help. Be safe!

I do hope that you continue to reach out for support, and that you find that which is useful to you. I am sorry that this time is so filled with horror for you, please take kind care of yourself, and yes, do keep safe.

The Prozac is leveling out! I woke disturbed but not frozen and not too horrified. It's hard to tell if nausea is medicine or nerves. I felt better after talking to my son last night. It was humiliating to cry like a little girl and ask my child for help but also a big relief. Just like hanging onto my neighbor was a big relief.

I didn't have a mother who comforted me in childhood. I had a mother who reasoned with me. We are WASPs. We are innovative people; I think we invented PTSD. We certainly have refined It to an art form of polished repression.

Anyway, thanks for the support. I think about suicide every day, at least once. Hospital discharged me suicidal. That's not good medicine. It is not good medical ethics. Corporations don't have the same investment in medical ethics professionals used to have. We can no longer afford good medical ethics for poor people. In my once liberal county lawyers and everyone are telling me to stop worrying about the world and focus on myself. I get It. Prozac helps. I am still very sad.

It's kind of funny, in the sense of being peculiar, It sure as hell isn't "haha" funny. I read our first world ptsd issues and wonder what its like to be an Iraqi. Then I wonder whether I have enough cash for a massage.

What on earth are we?

What on earth are we?

We are human beings that thrive on "caring" and we seem to think we are not supposed to need it, like it is somehow a thing to be ashamed of.

You are human, you deserve to have others that "care" and you have a right "to" care.

Teacake, I sure hope you are feeling better.

Open Eyes, your words are so very wise. It would sure be nice if we could all hold those truths in our hearts.

I am. I'm listening to Prozac and remembering the nice built security guards in ER.