[JaneC]

I do not know what has happened exactly, but I seem to have shrunk back in to myself and am stuck on the verge of feeling something...but nothing will come.

I have pulled back from my therapist, and actually feel like having a break from therapy. I told him this last week, he looked surprised, then wanted to figure out why. I am not sure why.

It seems like I am defending myself from something, but I am not sure what. I got to feeling close to my T a couple weeks ago, trust really developing, so not sure why I feel like pulling back now. We talked about doing more dedicated skills work, maybe a workbook, some diary work etc so that I can be ready for looking at the memories. Trauma work, which I want to get done with. I need this all to be done.

So I don't know why I am this way right now....stuck

I feel........vaguely on the verge of annoyance all the time, the occasional flash of the beginning of some other emotion.........then just blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Nothing! I can't figure this out, and it is not pleasant!

Anyone else experience this? It is really bothering me to not really feel any specific emotions. I want to feel, I want to get through this and feel what I need to, to be done with it all.

Blergh!

[MotownJohnny]

I know about feeling stuck ... And about uncertainty about what I am feeling ... And the desire to numb myself ... And to move forward and do whatever to get it done.

You have been through a lot of pain, change, and growth in the time you have posted here - almost a year. And the end of your first term at the university was particularly challenging, so I think it may be natural to need a break. But you also recognize you need to push on I your quest for effective therapy so you can feel whole and at peace. So that conflict may make your mind say "I'm confused and overwhelmed".

With me in that place, I will often suddenly get "the answer" and think know which way to proceed.

Jane, in the year I have "known" you through this forum, you have faced up to you challenges with more courage and dignity by far than you give yourself credit for. You don't quit - it isn't a valid option for any of us. But if you decide you need a break, don't second guess yourself - you can go back to therapy, you know.

You are an awesome woman, never forget that.

[Open Eyes]

Beautifully said Mowtown and I agree about Jane having been amazing about how she has dealt with some big challenges on top of working through her PTSD. I don't see any reason she can't take a break either. I think that working through PTSD is a job all in itself and it can get so therapy sessions are what life becomes all about too. It is quite possible that being told, "ok we are going to dig deeper" can just seem overwhelming as "have things not been hard enough already?".

I feel that Jane needs some "positives" to take place too. I also think that if Jane takes a week or two off so that she can feel a sense of control over her need to have a break too.
Jane, is there any way where you can just take a minni vacation where you don't have "any" demands on you? It doesn't have to be a big deal either, just something where you can step back from everything and maybe walk on a beach, do some window shopping and explore some museum or see a play, something different than "working at you and learning".

OE

[Parley]

Originally Posted by JaneC

I do not know what has happened exactly, but I seem to have shrunk back in to myself and am stuck on the verge of feeling something...but nothing will come.

I have pulled back from my therapist, and actually feel like having a break from therapy. I told him this last week, he looked surprised, then wanted to figure out why. I am not sure why.

It seems like I am defending myself from something, but I am not sure what. I got to feeling close to my T a couple weeks ago, trust really developing, so not sure why I feel like pulling back now. We talked about doing more dedicated skills work, maybe a workbook, some diary work etc so that I can be ready for looking at the memories. Trauma work, which I want to get done with. I need this all to be done.

So I don't know why I am this way right now....stuck

I feel........vaguely on the verge of annoyance all the time, the occasional flash of the beginning of some other emotion.........then just blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. Nothing! I can't figure this out, and it is not pleasant!

Anyone else experience this? It is really bothering me to not really feel any specific emotions. I want to feel, I want to get through this and feel what I need to, to be done with it all.

Blergh!

I could have written this only I didn't tell my therapist I'm considering a break. I figure it's none of her business. Yes, I know, I'm a mess.

I'm tired of the little flashes and then nothing as well but I'm not sure I want to feel it all. I just want to be done! I think that is because the first little flash I had was negative and I thought I found peace with those emotions but nooooo~ they matured without my knowledge. It might not make sense but perhaps a part of you understands that it won't be as easy accepting as it is wanting.

I'm assuming based on my own line of thinking but it seems to me that taking a break is self destructive behavior. If I step back~ that means I get to go back and start over. Maintaining a connection doesn't always work when we distance ourselves from our emotions. If I take a break from therapy than I don't have to worry about "breaking."

If I could break without my therapist ~ I would because I don't like to share but that was my training. Not to mention~ I don't think I can handle it. I'm well aware of my battles within.

I hope you stick with therapy~ I know it's frustrating but take it from someone who has had decades of holding back that dam of emotions~ it's not going anywhere.

I hope you fight your resistance ~ for you as well as your son.

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

it can get so therapy sessions are what life becomes all about too.

I think this is where I am. Far too focused on on the job of 'fixing' myself and not living life. I have a life, for what it is worth, and it has been neglected maybe?

Johnny, your words are kind about me and I thank you. But I just don't see myself in the same way. How is a negative, self absorbed, whiny, needy woman "awesome"? Yep, my self image needs work too.

I am frustrated that 18 months later I am not actively working on the trauma....even though my T tells me that everything we have done until this point is exactly that anyway.

Parley, I wonder about the "self destructive" part you mentioned. I have a tendency to self punish in ways I am often not aware of. My T has mentioned it on occasion. I did tell him last week that maybe I have not suffered enough to deserve to be in therapy at all and just need to get on with things. Apparently that is one of my invalidating patterns. ugh!

I need a break, most definately, to the routine that therapy has become. I won't give up, it is not in my nature to give up on something important. But something needs to change.

I'm going to call a friend for coffee, then get out into my vege garden later and finally get some winter veges planted. It has been neglected also. Maybe the dirt will take away some of the blaaaaaaaaaaah.

[Open Eyes]

I think you have done a lot more than you realize, you have been looking at a lot of different negatives Jane and it's all connected, I think you know that. You have also been working at improving your life too, I think that is a positive. I just think that it would be nice if you did something low key and relaxing, just a mini break, we all deserve that do we not? Can you plan a get away weekend with a friend maybe, walk on the beach and window shop and see a show, and take a week off from therapy? That is not about giving up therapy either, just taking a little break/breather.

OE

[Lady Courtesan]

Open Eyes-this is for you, please.

They (the evil ones who would devour us if the law allowed it) have changed my dx. Now I have Complex PTSD. I have lurked a bit and know that you are something of an expert on this malady. The internet says it is like bipolar on steroids. What is your most excellant opinion, please?

[Open Eyes]

Oh ((Lady Courtesan)), I don't know about me being an "expert" really, I just have worked very hard at trying to "understand" the challenge and I have been lucky that I have a therapist that has had a lot of experience working with PTSD patients. My therapist is also no stranger to struggling as he has battled depression so he knows what it is like to genuinely "struggle" where another therapist may not be able to relate.

I know you are very "angry" right now because you were "misdiagnosed" and didn't really get the "help" you needed and deserved, I know that all too well myself. It is hard enough to struggle with PTSD, never mind being "violated" by the very people you reach out to for "help". I have been through a lot, a lot that could have been avoided had I gotten the right treatment from the beginning too. I get very triggered when ANYONE tries to tell me I don't have "PTSD" too because I do have it and I have it "bad" too. I know all the crippling symtoms very well and I know the anger very well too.

As much as you feel betrayed right now, what is more important is to now focus on understanding your "true" diagnosis and finally working towards getting the "right" therapy to help you "heal" and get so you get it under control better too. You can either fight those who try to help you, or, you can decide to help them learn how to help you better and in that you will help others who would do better with a treatment provider that
has gained knowledge from their patients to where they develop better treatments for their patients, it really makes a huge difference when working with a therapist who does understand the challenge more and is actually "experienced".

I did give you a link to read in one of your threads, that link really helped me "understand" it a lot more once I found it and read it. I also gave a copy of it to my T as therapists don't always keep up with the new information that comes out because often they develop a therapy style they get used to using with their patients and don't have the extra time to keep up to date tbh.

I cannot say enough that you will need to have a therapist where you feel "safe" too. You need to be able to "pull back" if you feel things are pushing you too fast, it is too hard to move forward when the frontal lobe gets overwhelmed. Yes, it is somewhat like Bipolar on steriods, but you can "learn" to slow that down better where as Bipolar is different where it is more like an adrenaline rush and the person is on a kind of high and will do things irresponsibly. Someone who struggles with PTSD doesn't do things irresponsibly, they are in fact on "high alert and can be in flight/fight mode" and that is no pleasurable "high" to look forward to. Bipolar is pretty much AD resistant, where as with PTSD AD resistance can also take place but for a very different reason that has to do with "hyper awareness" from an actual "trauma" or what can be "several traumas". PTSD cycles may look like and sound like Bipolar cycles, but there is definitely a difference. Bipolar isn't about "tells" whereas PTSD is full of "tells" depending on the individuals history. When I say "tells" what that means is that a person with PTSD has a way or reading "threats" or tells in others that the average person tends to miss, PTSD individuals are "extremely" sensitive and often feel they are on a "higher level or almost possessing psychic abilities".
If you read the information I provided to you in another thread and I will post it here again for you, there is a big difference between "paranoia and hypervigilance". There is also a difference between MI and Psychiatric Injury too that has developed into the specific brain challenge called PTSD.

Complex post traumatic stress disorder (complex ptsd, pdsd, shell shock, nervous shock, combat fatigue), symptoms and the difference between mental illness and psychiatric injury explained

With PTSD there is a genuine desire to "overcome" and with the right help someone who struggles can learn to understand it better and develop skills that help them gain more control over the annoying symptoms and cycles that PTSD presents. The sensitivity that presents with PTSD leaves the patient feeling alone and separate from others, even at times above others, however, with the right therapy and time it is possible to understand what this means better to where the patient can slowly learns to connect with others "more" in spite of their higher levels of sensitivity.

I can see that right now for you Lady Courtesan, this is all new and the more you identify with it on a very deep personal way, the more you may get angry that no one had helped you with this before. Keep in mind that a lot of this knowledge has been fairly recent and unfortunately, yes, there are those professionals that are "ill" informed on how to spot and identify PTSD verses seeing symptoms that look like other disorders or mental illnesses. That is also discussed in that information I have presented. Try to be thankful that at least you have access to being understood better or that you can learn to understand it better too. It is not going to help you if you feed into the anger that you were not properly diagnosed earlier and I know that is a hard one, me too.

(((Hugs)))
OE