[Teacake]

I dont recall being like THIS before. I have had all kinds of trauma, like everyone, because life is traumatic. I've had all kinds of odd feelings, images, fantasies, and symptoms and sensations come and go while I release trauma.

I'm stuck NOW on a BOY who was then the age my son is now, who had been one of the students arrested and locked up in political prison after a a brouhaha in the eighties.
He had PTSD symptoms. He carried on in spite of some bad nights. He was an admirable person. He was my boyfriend but also a real friend. I mean, my feelings for him went way beyond romantic/sexual/infatuation. We cared for one another. We were emotionally close.

He wasn't a special guy because he got hurt. He was a special guy because he was like me in ways most people aren't. I have always been an odd duck and he was one just like me. We felt good together. We were an attractive couple. I sensed people liked us. We didn't cling to one another, we felt really good and balanced together.

I haven't had that since I was 22.

I've been pretty stoic about It but ive been very lonely.

Why would anyone hurt a young man? He hadn't done anything. He got out of political prison and did something and went back in and got out and left the country. But why would anyone grab young men and lock them up and abuse them? Intellectually I know why. Emotionally I feel inexplicable. Impossible.

Except It was a country where college students were pretty bright. Pretty elite. Intellectual even.. they always go for the intellectuals.

My psychologist at the time was hostile to me. I was traumatised, I already had PTSD, and my boyfriend has PTSD and i cant reach him when hes in night terrors, and my behavioral psychologist is hostile to me, because im not a narcissist like her, because I feel so much, because I am gifted, and because my guy was where he was from. Because thats what a narcissist can be sometimes. Envious to the point of rage at other peoples emotional attachments.

Do you think that could be why I have been plagued with a sense of shame and inferiority since ive been remembering THAT July? (He got better when we traveled. No terrors on road trips. We had a really beautiful late summer and autumn traveling together.)

I'm bargaining, please Krishna get me over the hump tonight and I will be a devotee forever. Or visit the free vegetarian dinner and make a donation. If you still do that. Or tell Kali get me over this and I will be her devotee forever or figure out something. So religion isnt my thing but please Krishna and Kali and anyone else, get me over the hump tonight and I will write letter for every prisoner Amnesty sponsors and write twenty five to fifty words a day for human rights causes and If I dont have to be crazy anymore i will teach a trauma release method for free forever because when ptsd is avoidable terror and torture be virtually obsolete. Yo. Hanuman. Help me, bro'! (He's come through for me before.)

This is pitiful.

[Teacake]

OK. So that psychologist was really bad. She had serious issues. This isnt new information! How long do i have to be stuck in the past rehashing old news?

[Open Eyes]

Teacake, you are doing better at telling your story, it is coming out clearer and not so broken up. Putting it all together into your story with all the emotions and questions you had and have is how you need it all to come up to grieve and finally process.

The psychologist that was so mean to you represents a lot to you. Anyone who expresses any kind of "tells" that resemble how she looked and acted are going to be very triggering and that can go very deep where your conscious mind isn't always seeing. The other day when you were struggling and your mother made negative comments to you, that is a "tell/trigger" that connects with this psychologist that invalidated you.

The way that psychologist treated you is something you revisit in different ways too. You have been stuck between being her victim and yet you also are deeply angry and want to get back at her, then again be hard like her too, and yet a big part of you is still hurt by how she didn't comfort you, but instead was a cold butch. You didn't have "anyone" there to help you with that, certainly not your mother.

Then you have that question of "why did someone I loved and connected with so much have to be so badly hurt"? Didn't anyone see his value, didn't anyone even care? And while you felt that do deeply, you reached out for help and you ended up with a woman psychologist that made you feel like your trauma was "insignificant" and that you were wrong to be so upset and traumatized. You had a deep soulful connection that was very important to you, another person you really deeply connected with and at an age where that was very significant and important, and you could not "protect" it and keep it safe somehow, and others have "invalidated and questioned the worth of what that all meant to you". Something important to you was taken and you also saw a person that was important to you have so much taken from him and you saw the depths of his pain too. It seems so cruel and unbelievable how others don't see the significance of that, how can people be so unaware?

You gave your son the love and protection that other young man didn't get, and also whatever you didn't get. However, in so doing, your son is not going to really appreciate the "why" behind all that you provided for him. Yes, he was taken care of and does quite well for himself, you wanted that, yet it is bittersweet too because of how he was "safe" and kept from what "you" experienced and with that, he will not have that deep understanding of you that has been denied you for so many years. If he looks at you like, "mom is crazy" and he doesn't really "see" you, that hurts. You invested a lot in him, and much more than he can really appreciate, he is on his own and you are left once again "alone" and invalidated.

That is why you are back in that moment and struggling so much right now, in a way you felt it coming and you were trying to reach out for that entity that would have the capacity to really see it and be there the way you always needed. Yes, you visit that place that has people who "are supposed to" help and yet you are so much more "aware" of the tells that they cannot see though even as they have good intentions.

((Teacake)), when someone suffers from PTSD, they actually "do" see and feel so much more than the average person does. A person who has PTSD knows in a deep intimate way the "hurts and pain" that human beings do to other human beings that so many develop ways of "disassociating" from which is what they call, "just", in other words, "just ignore it, just don't dwell on it, just get over it, just don't let yourself think about it because it's over". But you know different, you know "it isn't over". If "only" that could be put into words where others "can" see it too. It is damn lonely to see it "alone" the way someone with PTSD does. It gets so it is hard to think about anything else too, and that is what presents the "loss of sense of time" and the challenge with "the emotional pain" and yet, this desire to "learn" too. That is also "why" it becomes hard to be around and interact with "others" too, and why the desire for isolation takes place. That is also "why" so many things can be trivial and annoying and can create "anger and frustration" when someone has PTSD and sees and feels so much more "depth".

Teacake, you asked one time "why you seem to hurt or push away those that love you or that you love". You are not really pushing them away, it is just that they don't see you the way you deeply desire them to see you and it bothers you so much that you get frustrated and in that, you push them away. And also a big part of that goes back to that psychologist whom you needed so desperately to see you and help you and instead she "invalidated" you. Your friend that stepped away from you triggered you, anyone that reacts to you in any way that reminds you of this psychologist will trigger and upset you.
Because of what happened with your friend, you have been experiencing "episodes" too. "She is a nice lady, but she is crazy?". No, you are not crazy, you are "hurt".

Yes, you put a lot away and you had a son and because you were so busy with doing that the best way you could, to do for him what was not done for you, you "functioned" and kept a lot of "what you feel now" at bay. Yes, your son is now on his own, independent and doing well, he is at the age of the young man that came into your life and presented you with some very deep challenges that "traumatized" you. How is it that you are right back in that place again? And the other thing you are experiencing is how both your son and this man you loved are "disconnected" from you too. You have two very different scenarios and both of them are "emotionally challenging but in different ways". You connected with both these individuals, yet at the same time in both cases you are disconnected too, neither one is really "with you and seeing YOU". ((((Teacake))), that is very "hard" for you and I am "very sorry" about that and I do see it. Yes, that is lonely but it doesn't mean you failed, yet, I can see how you can feel that way at times. I hear it when you "hate" needing your son to help you. Maybe it would not be so bad if he could really see how strong you were for him, maybe he sees some of it, but he doesn't see a lot of it, and you made sure of that didn't you, how bittersweet huh?

This is a "lot" to be alone with. If only you could get help for this in a way where you can not have to "disturb" where you put your son because you "were" there for him and he is thriving because of that. And your mother is "never" any help and just triggers you to remind you of that too. You certainly need to make "peace" with all of this, but will anyone be capable of seeing that with you?

Yes, you are right, that is very hard to find in "one" person. And I know you are looking for that too. I get that, see my mood? "frustrated".

The other day I asked a question, "can you tell me when, how long do I have to wait", and the person answered, it is up to us and can't tell you that and sorry you are not getting the answer you "hoped" to hear", and honestly that has been taking place for a really long time with me, so much that "hope" to me has become "futile".

One of things I noticed about PTSD is the deep subconscious reactions that take place that the conscious mind is not part of. "Did I react to something that bypassed my conscious awareness"? I see that take place a lot when I try to go out and take care of my horses which is "where a lot of the trauma took place". I don't "decide" to get upset or struggle "consciously", I just react in some deep ways that "just" come over me. I don't know how to "fix" that and the last thing I want to hear is some kind of "just" comment about it and I struggle to even articulate it. When I "do" try to articulate it, like you I have that long ago presence, that is current too though that insists on "invalidating" me. Yes, like you Teacake, I had that happen too, and it was "cruel" and "inconsiderate" just as was the case with "you".

OE

[Teacake]

Im still stuck.

[Open Eyes]

You have had quite a time of it Teacake, while you still feel stuck you are doing much better at articulating it all. You have been holding a lot of this in for a while. I think as you explore here at PC it will be helpful to you.

[Lady Courtesan]

Teacake-

I mean no disrespect but I have read several of your posts and you always mention being gifted. May I ask what it is you are referring to?

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Lady Courtesan

Teacake-

I mean no disrespect but I have read several of your posts and you always mention being gifted. May I ask what it is you are referring to?

My parents found me wrapped in pink paper on the front porch, with a gift card. (not really)

But Its also a very annoying euphemism for people with high iq and associated traits. My therapist has given me a couple of articles on It. SENG is an acronym of an organization,
omething emotional needs gifted. I recognise lots of us with traits on this forum

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Teacake

My parents found me wrapped in pink paper on the front porch, with a gift card. (not really)

But Its also a very annoying euphemism for people with high iq and associated traits. My therapist has given me a couple of articles on It. SENG is an acronym of an organization,
omething emotional needs gifted. I recognise lots of us with traits on this forum

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

You have had quite a time of it Teacake, while you still feel stuck you are doing much better at articulating it all. You have been holding a lot of this in for a while. I think as you explore here at PC it will be helpful to you.

Thanks, OE. Yeah. I packed It all away when I got pregnant. Naturally a lot of It has been triggered in the past thirteen years. I don't know if I can pull out of this.

I took my friend up onto the wooded area of a city park after hours. I wanted to make love outdoors. It was a beautiful clear night. We sat up in the woods looking down at the city police patrolling. We spied on them as they passed coffee and sandwiches through the windows of their cars and gossipped. He asked what would happen if we got caught. I said we'd be told to home and maybe given a ticket. He asked if we could get taken in. I said if we did, my dad would bail us out. "Me too?" That amused him. He was so relaxed. He felt so good to be near. I was very proud to be able to share my confidence that the police would be courteous to us. I was very proud of a free and safe society.

[Open Eyes]

"I don't know if I can pull out of this"

Yes, you can Teacake, you need to be patient and I know it socks and can be horrible, as I said I was a little older than you when I went through "hell" with it and genuinely felt I was not going to make it too. I could not afford to get help for it either and by the grace of god my husband met someone in the field that gave him the name of the therapist I have now and when he saw how bad I was he was willing to work with me at a rate I could afford, I go without so I can see him and I do get behind even with the lower rate.

As I read what you have been writing I can see how a lot of things about your life right now is triggering all of what you suppressed to come forward. Also, what I see is that you don't have "anyone" that can fill that need you have to listen, understand, see you, and help you through it and that has made it worse, that happened to me too. What is different for you though is that you have a lot of knowledge about PTSD and other disorders and you do know many things that a young and inexperienced professional might not have the capacity to give you what you need, may even be put off or feel threatened as you "can" get quite angry send off some whoppers. And that's the thing about this flare up you are experiencing right now, some nasty stuff can come out, almost like the devil coming out with a vengeance, however, that will pass but can get bad at times. What got me about that was how it just came out of me without my deciding to react the way I did. All I could do is think about whatever came out "after" it came out, the total reverse of deciding to get angry. You know so much now that being treated as you had years ago where others didn't know how to help you then, just makes you very angry and resentful now. You have not really found a "safe" place either when these episodes get bad. You get really "raw" at times, your episodes are tough ones, not like the past. You have been having some cognitive distortions and you are not going to see that right now, you are too raw.

Just remember the "wave" and that it comes in, crests and then recedes and you just have to let them come in and recede and then think about it "after" and that means "after" you are out of the cloud that comes after. Try to stay away from your mother, she is just going to trigger you as she "never got it" and that will be even worse now, she has not changed and is probably even worse now in many respects.

You are articulating better though so if it helps you to come here and vent, do so as you need to vent somehow, at least somewhere that others can support you.

Was this park adventure with a friend something in the now, or was it something from the past?

There were many times where I would have to talk about how horrible people can be and wonder "who are we" as you have uttered. I was lucky to have my therapist be able to validate that "yes, people can be horrible and violent and do terrible things". I think I just needed to know others saw how bad it was too. I found there is a lot of "I can't believe how bad this is" as things come forward and a lot of realizations take place.

It is important that you remind yourself of the positives you have done and you did utilize your abilities when you raised your son. He isn't going to see that, he isn't going to understand "you" the way you want, and that can be triggering, but remember, you gave him what you did not have so he genuinely doesn't know what life is like "without" like you do. It is bittersweet, but you did make a positive, you did accomplish so remember that. My daughter was around the same age as your son, she didn't get my pain either, as I made sure she had what she needed and went above and beyond. I pushed her away just as I was really sinking into the worst part of PTSD, a hell I never knew existed.
I am glad she didn't see some of the really bad things I went through, it was bad enough I was hurt, didn't want her hurt by it too.

Don't feed into the "I wish I didn't exist", that is a wave too, it passes, I was lucky to come across someone who explained that to me, I almost was not here.

Just keep talking, you are doing better with that, it helps. Yes, it can be obsessive at times, but just keep talking and take time outs to meditate and self sooth. The antidepressant will help preserve the hypocampus cells, but it will not take away the emotional challenges and the need to talk and work through it. How is your sleep?

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Violet Blue]

The one thing I noticed is that you mentioned your son has reached "the same age" as the boy was. This might be what's triggered all of your fear and it has ramped up the PTSD.
Just a thought. Hope the intensity lessens soon.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Violet Blue

The one thing I noticed is that you mentioned your son has reached "the same age" as the boy was. This might be what's triggered all of your fear and it has ramped up the PTSD.
Just a thought. Hope the intensity lessens soon.

It is. I had to ask him for help. He has become a man. He sounds like my father. The timber of his voice on the phone made me wish I could put my head against his chest and hear his heart. That brought It all back. All of It. And July. And medicine. And Gaza.

[Teacake]

I dont have cognitive distortions! The world is bad. Humans suck. Israelis were chanting no more children in Gaza. This is humanity. This is what we are.

I need a cognitive distortion. I need full blown delusion to be able to want to be here.

I stayed drunk throughout the 2008 Gaza massacre and whenever the Abu Ghraib pictures came out. There's a lot I did not process.

I dont know how to live in this world in these times. I dont know that I want to. I really don't. I see bad things coming. I see some intentional provocation to incite people to clamor for the sealing of our borders.

[Open Eyes]

It doesn't have to be constant, it can be from triggers and emotional flashbacks depending on how bad they are, you have already recognized some "after" and discussed how bad you were at the time. I think when it is in writing it helps because you can go back when you were struggling and review it, it helped me a lot. I have never changed who I am here, I figure maybe someone might see it and learn from it, why not, maybe if it helps, I always think about that.

How do you live in this world at these times? One day at a time, we are not here for very long, might as well see, learn, and try and share what we can with each other. There have been many bad times in humanity, luckily we had those who learned and shared.

OE