Repetition Compulsion (a lodo teacake ramble)

In 1982 I saw a capable man and wrestler surrounded by cheaply dressed racist white college boys. He looked pretty panicked. I'm glad I was dissociated and thought he was playing.

Same summer I got surrounded by different white rednecks in a parking garage. No o.e got touched. O got rescued but ill tell you standing with a college boxer and a wrestler surrounded by five rednecks in a parking garage isn't real comfortable. Fortunately I was dissociated.

I confess. As a novice martial artist, learning no contact sport karate, I wasn't very fond of being monkey in the middle. It meant being surrounded and attacked on cue by one or two of the circle. I always cheated by identifying the ones sempai was most likely to choose to attack me and deciding to attack one of them no matter who attacked me. It worked well enough. I always felt anxiety about that scenario though.

In the late nineties my ptsd dad had a stroke. I had to grapple for real so no one got hit or hurt. It wore me down and cost me plenty.

Around that time I tried to get help from everyone including county mental health services and the police. One day ptsd dad was trying ro pull me into the house as I was trying to escape. Along comes Barney Fife, officer of the law, because I'd called for a civil assist. Barney is fluttering his hand over his sidearm scaring me bad, because I knew if he drew daddy would jump at him because that's what you do and he'd shoot daddy because that's also what you do. So I had to spring first and hope he'd hesitate to shoot a woman and control his weapon. I knew how. I just had to be fast. I'm glad I was dissociated from all that.

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So recently, in sunny Colorado, through no fault of my own, I got surrounded by two cops and some nasty little nurses and techs and a charge nurse known as "that dried up old ****" by the local dyslexics.

I swallowed more pills than a responsible pimp would give me, not that I've ever known an actual pimp, but you know what I mean. I still remember making my body very relaxed and using words to show my contempt, while making sure the one responsible cop had no reason to jump me. I didnt want the creepy one to get to touch me. No one touched me.

The hard part was knowing I could rush reaponsible cop and get control of his weapon away from him. Not get control. But get control away from him. Do you understand? They were hoping to scare me and I was scared of toXic pharaceuticals. I value my brain. I wanted to scare them too and they werent people to me at that moment. I was fighting myself.

I did well. I swallowed the pills then I made myself stay awake and alert as I could be.

Ive gotten lots of "validation" that psychiatric hospitals attract the saddest portion of humanity. It was just sickening how their little rat eyes glittered at the thought of taking down someone's Mom. Makes me wonder what their moms are like. The charge nurse was trying to be intentionally threatening and dramatic. It made me glad for the first time ever that one of my lovers had been tortured in captivity. He was a handsome man. He was smart and strong. Gentle and tender. He loved Charlie Chaplin. Bertoldt Brecht. Its easy to be superior when you know you are attractive and educated intelligent and were raised with money. You can detach from B grade movie scenarios put on by shoddy people and let your sympathy and compassion, your pity for all humanity, control the impulse to fight. But it has to be real pity and compassion. You have to really feel it.

And then you have to let your true compassion co exist with your tolerance of knowing about other peoples lives. Maybe this reflects my childhood more than anything else but I think if I can bear the consciousness of what **** life must be like for those people, I wont unconsciously provoke attack by them.

If im honest with myself, in deep crisis I told strangers about my life as I see it. Rich working class, gifted relatives, cultural enrichment up the wazoo, college of my choice, single stay at home mother, of a dream kid with a dream job and a dream girl with her own dream job, then single washout with an ex who paid for me to live in boulder county no quid for the quo. Ive got the luck of the Irish.

Im ready to stop bellyaching about my trauma. I mean, if I sacrificed a lamb for every healing professional Ive met and thought, "Oh dear, hes more ****ed up than I am and im the one with the noose on" I could feed us all kabob all night long. Thats what I should be thinking about instead of worryong about "omg is it true then that the fat nurse is harmful to her patients". The ones who antagonise the psychologist by announcing their godtedness and materially optomal childhood, yeah. Lucky they dodnt kick in my teeth and say I jumped the gun since my récords say I turned myself in for thinking about it.

And now, since I have flashbacks of being surrounded, I have this opportunity to clean up a lot of trauma. I'm going for moksha.

Maybe this will he a good thread. If I find some dopamine in a back cupboard of my brain.

Teacake I hope you take the elevator to the next floor up - much quieter there.
Sorry to hear so much rumbling inside - hope you find a way to the place of rest.

Jesus Christ. Don't tell PTSD to find the place of rest.

Okay sorry. I must follow my own advice. I was thinking out loud. Gotta go for tonight.
All the best to you.

I am growing increasingly concerned about you. Your posts seem to be very disjointed and hard to follow. Have you talked to your doctor lately? I think it's time.

Good luck and stay safe,
W

I got put on Prozac. I have ADHD and PTSD. Serotonin displaces dopamine. Dopamine regulates norepinephrine. Giving me Prozac increases serotonin which makes my low dopamine condition (adhd) and high norepinephrine condition (ptsd) words. Prozac made me disjointed and hard to follow.

I have Medicaid. My doctor isnt paid to make me pelucid. She's paid to keep me from killing people in the street and out of ER. The state doesn't care if I become a drooling idiot. Thus drooling idiots abound.

I know. Im disjointed and hard to follow. And aware of it.

I was put on Prozac. I have ADHD and PTSD. Prozac increases serotonin. Serotonina displaces dopamine. Dopamine regulates norepinephrine. Prozac makes ADHD eorse and Prozac makes PTSD sofás AND Prozac makes Adderall make PTSD.deadly.

On prozac and adderall I had a compulsion to lure the police and jump one to try to take control of his weapon. This is so uncool.

My insurance is medicaid. They dont pay my doctor to keep me pelucid. They dont caré if im a drooling idiot. They do care about too many costly.ER visits.

I got retraumatised in hospital and ended up in er the night after discharge not because I had a medical emergency but because I was afraid I could hang myself impulsively. Its zn iantrogenic nightmare of spiralling horror.

Im about done with doctors. They cant treat me if medicaid wont let them. When they are as overworked and límited as they are they cant practice good medicine. Even if they are good. Im better off treatimg myself.

I write out the lprotocol for high histamine for anither patient in hospital. He had all the signs. It will help him of he follows it. It cant jack him up like prozac did me.

Teacake, I am just a compassionate human being trying to understand what you are going through. From what you say there are many violent thoughts going through your mind but you have the wisdom not to act on them. I commend you on that.
From what you are saying your medicines do not quite feel right. I think it would be a mistake to stop consulting with doctors. I know the ER is not a fun place - is there any way you can make an appointment with a psychiatrist with medicaid so they can evaluate how effective your medicine is dong and possibly consider changes?

Are you afraid of anti-psychotics? I understand the worry about them, over the long term they can be pretty bad for you, but sometimes they really help in a crisis.

I am off all medicine. This is me coming off Prozac. It will take five weeks to get it out of me. Until then, Im also off Adderall and more ADHD because of Prozac than my usual medicated self.

I was seriously retraumatised in hospital with Fats Ratchet the charge nurse surrounding me with her flying monkeys. I did nothing to deserve it. I have PTSD already from being an adult woman who had to face violence. You better believe I have violent thoughts. I believed I would have to use ballet/karate training to get to a cop before he could draw his weapon and shoot my elderly father. I was gently raised. This isn't what we typically did weekends. It was outside the realm of my usual experience. I'm going to think that violent thought u.til the energy is discharged and I have "resolved it.

I itch for a man to walk it through with me. A man and a dummy gun. Should I go to Craig's list? I might!

I am afraid of anti-psychotics. I do believe they can help in a crisis. Short term use is probably worth the risk.

I'm not psychotic. I got put on Prozac. It made Adderall ineffective for.ADHD and it made Adderall make PTSD worse. It probably made PTSD worse without Adderall. If I've been psychotic its been iatrogenic. I'm proceeding extremely conservatively with pharmaceuticals.

It was distressing to me to be doped up high as a kite in hospital as punishment for being who I am. Or for seeking treatment. I'm sensitive to shti like that. Abuse of power over confined people. It makes me furious. The only way to medicate away that fury is to kill me. I've thought about it...

[QUOTE=Teacake;3956565]I am afraid of anti-psychotics. I do believe they can help in a crisis. Short term use is probably worth the risk.

I'm not psychotic. I got put on Prozac. It made Adderall ineffective for.ADHD and it made Adderall make PTSD worse. It probably made PTSD worse without Adderall. If I've been psychotic its been iatrogenic. I'm proceeding extremely conservatively with pharmaceuticals.

It was distressing to me to be doped up high as a kite in hospital as punishment for being who I am. Or for seeking treatment. I'm sensitive to shti like that. Abuse of power over confined people. It makes me furious. The only way to medicate away that fury is to kill me. I've thought about it...[/QUOT
Never mind...

I'm sorry teacake, I'm really irritable today. Sorry...

That's a beautiful emerald lake Sunshine. Sometimes "nevermind" is the right attitude. And sometimes irritability is the right state.

Im leaving Colorado because I havent seen lakes like that in years. We have them here and Ive seen them but I havent gone out to them recently nor cares to sit in traffic to do so. I miss my own landscapes where hills of trees look ingloriously like piles of heads of broccoli.

That's in Scotland.

I understand Teacake. Its just that I know how it can feel when PTSD gets really bad. I hit a point that I wasn't psychotic, but I couldn't get out of bed, my brain was running amok 24 hours a day and the "kill yourself" thoughts just wouldn't stop. I started 2mgs a day of risperdal and it was an almost magical difference an hour after the first dose. It kept me out of the hospital.

I still take a really low dose, and I think it helps me, but I'm probably going to see if I can do without it soon.