[atychiphobic]

Hi, I'm new to PC and was referred to this specific forum in my introductory post. However, I'm not sure I belong here and I don't want to feel as if I'm intruding. So I have a few questions.

First of all, I have never had a formal PTSD diagnosis. It has been suggested to me by a few people I know who do suffer from PTSD that I may as well, but I would rather not jump to conclusions. I know that nobody here can diagnose me either, but perhaps you can judge whether it would be appropriate for me to participate in this subforum.

TRIGGER WARNING: What follows contains content that may be triggering to survivors of abuse and rape. I will try not to be too graphic but if reading about my experience will cause you harm please do not read on.

7 years ago I was homeless and dealing already with a lot of psychological issues, including substance abuse. One night a co-worker offered me a place to stay for the night and after much protesting I reluctantly accepted the offer. His brother and a friend were there and we all got very intoxicated (all of us drinking and smoking weed, additionally I was taking barbituates for migraines at the time, which when combined with alcohol often causes blackouts or extreme intoxication). The co-worker fell asleep and his brother and friend decided to have their way with me as I was too messed up to move or talk but was still mostly aware. This was my first experience with sexual assault but unfortunately was not the last. Trying to numb myself of the pain and shake the memories of this incident that plagued me almost constantly, I wound up addicted to heroin. When I finally wrenched myself from the grasp of the needle, I found myself in NA, where one of the first friends I made decided to have sex with me in my sleep. When I woke up I just pretended to still be sleeping because I was so scared of what might happen if I fought back, so I just stayed still and silent and went away in my mind. Soon after, I got into a relationship that turned out to be 2 years of a waking nightmare. Emotional/mental, physical and sexual abuse, and thanks to his tactics of isolating me I had no support system at all. It was a time of utter terror, confusion and torture and basically felt like a panic attack that lasted for 2 years.

So ever since the first incident, and much more so since the abusive relationship, I have intense, physical and emotional reactions to mention or reminder of either rape or domestic abuse. I get very frightened, dizzy, nauseous, my heart races and palms sweat, I feel like I might faint or puke, sometimes my vision or hearing blurs, I can't speak. Sometimes my mind goes totally blank, I feel numb and I just space out completely, often for no apparent reason. Sometimes I hear their voices, or see them, sometimes I feel like I am back in that place. I will see a scene replay in my head over and over. Sometimes I feel like everything that has happened since is just a figment of my imagination, a dying woman's dream so to speak, like nothing is real and eventually I will come to to find myself still in that situation. It doesn't help that sometimes things feel really weird to me, like they aren't real. I have dreams about it.

The reaction is even worse when someone says something that is critical of rape survivors, or suggests we are responsible. Or my abusive ex used to (in addition to acting out his own assaults) intentionally stir up memories of mine and get a similar reaction. Basically I completely flip out. Like, total blind rage to the point where sometimes I literally black out. Once a former coworker made a comment to the effect of "girls ask for it when they dress a certain way." I remember standing up and saying "f*** you!" The next thing I remember is being in the bathroom shaking with red scraped up knuckles from punching a wall. Apparently I also threatened to kill the guy in rather creative ways... Luckily my HR department was relatively understanding.

So basically that is what I have been struggling with, to varying degrees, for the past 7 years. I am pretty certain these memories will never be pleasant. But ideally I would like to reach a point where they don't haunt me anymore, where I can talk to other survivors without falling into a flashback or having what feels like a panic attack. Again I am not asking for a diagnosis but does it sound like I belong in or could benefit from this specific community? Other than the grounding techniques that is at the top, is there anything any of you have found to be genuinely helpful? Thanks in advance.

[Hellion]

Well certainly I'm in no position to diagnose, but its certainly likely you could have PTSD...even if not though you're certainly not unwelcome here. Its possible you might benefit from hearing about how other people here cope with things or what not...and there are probably others that have simular sorts of trauma....mine is from something pretty different but it was still traumatizing.

Anyways I hope you end up finding this forum helpful...if nothing more at least for venting.

[Teacake]

Welcome. Post where you like. No one "has PTSD". You got traumatised and you have trauma responses. Your dx is probably whatever you had that caused you to be a substance abuser butthats doctor talk for doctors to do and silly night nurses to act funny about. Normal people don't care about dx unless you want one that rhymes eith your name or something.

I think its fair to talk about whatever you want. It's terrifying to be afraid when you are drugged. Ibwasnt raped but I got drugged in an acute treatment unit as punishment for having a face that pissed off the charge nurse. Or more likely a body and a pal. There are sickos everywhere. Powermongers. Creepers.

The important thing about trauma os that we can ride it or be dragge# by it. It sounds like you've been dragged. Me too. It's possible to climb up into the saddle.

[atychiphobic]

Thank you so much both of you.

Teacake I agree that diagnosis is not really important except to determine what to do with it. And I am very frightened of psych meds as my only experiences with them (lexapro and seraquel) were intensely negative. I want to feel better but I don't want to lose my personality and sense of self in the process. Anyway I can't afford to see a doctor so it is unlikely I will get any diagnosis or professional help of any kind any time soon. And yes you are right, I was definitely not mentally well before I was traumatized or got on drugs.

I really appreciate the welcoming, I was really scared to post in here in case I wasn't welcome. I don't know how strict the rules are as far as who can post where and I get very anxious about being places I don't "belong."

I definitely hope you are right. I want to climb up but I just don't know how. I have to hope that one day I can though because without that hope I would just want to die.

[Hellion]

Uhh just can't agree about no one getting PTSD, I mean sure i had problems before the PTSD arised...but there where definite changes in my brain that persisted following the specific trauma. Though its not extremely important to focus on the name of it so much as coping with it or whatever.....but even so some people don't end up stuck with flashbacks, avoidence of things that remind you of the event to an extreme or being in a state of high alert, hypervigalence when there's no danger around for years due to experiencing trauma, some people do regardless of what you call it.

But if my view point is counterproductive to some people so be it....but I guess its how it makes sense to me, guess point is i don't want to discourage anyone with my experience or how I understand the issue of PTSD.

[atychiphobic]

Hmm maybe I misunderstood Teacake but I feel more like yeah the name is not important, what is important is the symptoms and how to cope with them. Definitely think that PTSD exists, whether or not that is my issue I don't know. What I do know is that something that happened to me 7 years ago makes my life hell today and I just want that to get better. I don't want my past to control me anymore. I am glad to know I'm welcome here though. Posting this made me extremely anxious, not just due to recalling those experiences and all the fear and anxiety that goes along with it but also because I'm somewhat terrified of interacting with people. Even with this being a community specifically for mental illness there is an intense fear of judgement and rejection. Thanks for your kindness.