[MotownJohnny]

Blown through my entire life savings and then some.

I have spent an astonishing quarter of a million dollars plus in 2 years trying to "fix myself", "clear my name, restore my reputation" and just stay alive and not kill myself by suicide.

And not only have I blown through all of that, my life savings, I am now deeply in debt, my family will kill me and disown me.

I may have no choice but bankruptcy, I am down to my last few thousand in liquidity and can no longer make my payments. If I must do a bankruptcy, I hope I can do a 13, so I don't lose what personal property I have left, including my car.

So, first I'm gonna grovel for help - they could do it in a flash, but I doubt they will. I say I "earned" it through sweat equity, tears, and blood. But I doubt my family will see it that way - it will be just more proof of my loserdom.

Oh vey - I know the party is over, but I had no choice, do it or die, and money does nothing for a dead man.

[Open Eyes]

It doesn't take long to spend that amount of money these days. Donald Trump has gone bankrupt for way more than that and he is still kicking around. Just saying....

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It doesn't take long to spend that amount of money these days. Donald Trump has gone bankrupt for way more than that and he is still kicking around. Just saying....

Yeah, but I'm no Trump. And he had business Chapter 11 re organizations, not a personal 7 or 13.

But ... Money does nothing for a dead man.

[Open Eyes]

I think he also had to file a chapter 13 too. He definitely went through major money challenges. He was in his 40's and 50's too, ofcourse now he is 68.

My point is you are still young yet and you "can" get past this.

So many people have lost so much in their lives but manage to rebuild their lives. What is more important is "you are here" and "healing".

((Hugs))
OE

[MotownJohnny]

Um. Not young. Old dude here - I'm 9 months away from being able to join AARP.

[Teacake]

Ouch. But isnt your situation one in which all your income is discretionary spending? You might not have to ask family for help. I can tell you from experience sweat equity is worth a box of salt and a free water bottle, if they have an old one handy.

[MotownJohnny]

Yes, but I can't keep up with the bills now.

[SecondSkin]

Do you have an accountant? If not, find one. And what kind of debt do you have? Credit card? Medical? Medical expenses can be deducted from tax return. Credit cards can be negotiated down (to pay back pennies on the dollar). Worst case is you file for bankruptcy. You'll get some benefits through Medicare.

I'm sorry I jumped the gun with the questions. First off, I'm sorry that you had to spend all that money. It feels crazy, but it's not at all. I had a slew of medical bills in the name of redemption.... I never actually added them up (and they keep coming). I'm actually afraid to put a number to it!! But there are a lot of ways to climb out of the money pit. It sucks, but you can do it. An accountant helped me out. Talking with my credit card companies helped too. If it's medical bill debt, check for your state... some can't ever put that balance owed on your credit report.
And breathe.

[JaneC]

I have nothing particularly constructive to add, as no matter what I say, I know it won't take away how you are feeling right now. I imagine it sucks!

I will say a couple of things that may help you see that things are not all bad....it was after all just money, and you are not alone. (I am not one who puts such high value on things, position or financial worth, sorry)

When the proverbial hit the fan for me, one of my poor 'coping' strategies (read maladaptive behaviours) was to spend money. I felt I deserved it, or I needed it as it would make me feel better. I spent every cent that I had saved and brought back from the UK after working as a locum on big money for a few years. I bought a brand new car one day....just because.

And I can not tell you how much money I spent on alcohol, I didn't just buy the cheap wine, it had to be decent and I often drank 2 bottles a night, or a large bottle of jack daniels. I must have spent thousands over the few years I was in that dark pit.

The moral of my story is this......I have had money, I have thrown it away in moments of madness, I have lost it from poor behaviour, I have done worse that I can't mention here with money that caused me to feel ashamed and humiliated and fly to the other side of the world to escape the intense shame heaped on me by others.

I am still alive, still moving forward and have a beautiful son that has a wonderful personality. I have one or 2 friends who care about me. Most of my family suck, but I am building a better relationship with my sister. I am following a dream to qualify in a profession that will allow me to support others to be all they can be in life. I am rediscovering my true self, which is no mean feat. These are the important things in life.

Shoot.....I didn't want to make this all about me......but Johnny, I wanted to show that even though we can do some things in life that we think we can't come back from.....we still can! And as for your age........Late 40's is not too late to rebuild. No way no how. My best friend had started again at 47, now 50, and is living a simplified life, working a basic but fun job, dating a world renowned artist, having some of the best sex of her life, struggling financially but happier.

Sometimes in life we need to give up on wishing we were where we thought we should be, and begin appreciating where we actually are. And seeing the potential for growth from there.

You can get through this, you will get through this, all is not lost.

(ps, sorry if that didn't help at all. Just wanted you to know you are not alone in this muck! Also, I learnt something when times were tough......sell some stuff. For it is only stuff!)

[MotownJohnny]

Originally Posted by SecondSkin

Do you have an accountant? If not, find one. And what kind of debt do you have? Credit card? Medical? Medical expenses can be deducted from tax return. Credit cards can be negotiated down (to pay back pennies on the dollar). Worst case is you file for bankruptcy. You'll get some benefits through Medicare.

I'm sorry I jumped the gun with the questions. First off, I'm sorry that you had to spend all that money. It feels crazy, but it's not at all. I had a slew of medical bills in the name of redemption.... I never actually added them up (and they keep coming). I'm actually afraid to put a number to it!! But there are a lot of ways to climb out of the money pit. It sucks, but you can do it. An accountant helped me out. Talking with my credit card companies helped too. If it's medical bill debt, check for your state... some can't ever put that balance owed on your credit report.
And breathe.

Yeah, kinda funny thing ... I work for a CPA/Attorney. And we do debt negotiation and a lot of tax work. And I'm a tax preparer. One would think I would "know better" in that sense. But, I felt totally desperate. I literally would "do anything" including mortgage my future to HAVE A FUTURE.

I spent approximately 3/4 almost what I owe on credit cards, 60K, in the 2 years JUST on out of pocket medical, what my sucky insurance didn't cover. I know most people HATE Obamacare with a passion, but it has been a Godsend to me, I spent about half in 2014 on out of pocket medical, about $13K to $15K, than I did in 2013. I feel I had to, it is no different than anyone with cancer or some other serious disease, you are desperate and do anything to live.

I do wanna live, most of the time. I had some suicidal thoughts this morning, but I'm better now.

One thing I hate about this is that overspending is a symptom of bipolar, so THAT can be used to build the case I am not just PTSD-ing, but again, I don't know. Some it was luxury spending, OK, I bought an $11,000 bike on New Years Eve, it was an "I promise I won't kill myself in 2014" gift to myself. It was indulgent, but important to me psychologically, it also said "I am a good person, I am worth it, I am not scum" to me. At least it was healthy if overindulgent, it wasn't destructive except financially.

Jane, I know I can rebuild. I am counting on that. I want true help from my family, but I don't know if I can get that. I think they will - but I am so afraid to ask. I don't think they will let me hang and twist in the wind when push comes to shove.

I really DO want someone to take over my finances and monitor me for a few years, to make sure I stay on the straight and narrow. It's kinda rough to contemplate, but I feel I need it, and face it, in a sense I do deserve to be put on "financial probation." I could NOT accept feeling like I was on medical-legal probation, watched by doctors and psychologists post-breakdown, I thought that was demeaning. This would not be so bad.

I have been working on improving relationships and getting along, too. That may fly out the window.

I want to propose a REAL reoganization plan to my family, a loan with interest, a security agreement, I want whoever loans me the money, if they will, to file a lien on my car, and some other assets if that is do-able (not sure) like that bike.

I truly want their help ... without a lot of judgement. But I don't know if they are capable of that.

[Open Eyes]

You have been on quite a rollercoaster the past two years Mowtown. I posted that video that talks about PTSD and how people get caught up in trying to suppress it unknowingly. You have talked about how you spent that money, and you did spend it on yourself in positive ways believe it or not. You were really trying to fill a void that at the time you did not truly understand. You had been dutiful and responsible all your life, you had been stressed through no fault of your own too.

Then something happened which resulted in you experiencing a stress breakdown. As a result and the way you were treated for that which was inadequate at the time, you experienced that intial surge to "thrive in spite of" that you really had never experienced before. So, what you went into high gear with is "fight mode". But, when you went into "fight" you really did not do anything "bad" Mowtown. If you really think about it, you really fought for yourself in positive and proactive ways. You got "therapy" that was better quality because you had money, you got a PT which was really a very positive experience for you, you got back into biking and working out to get physically fit, and you really did very "healthy" things.

The reason why I cited Donald Trump which is only one of many that also went into "fight" mode every time he "fell", is to show you that what you did was really not "so criminal or bad" after all. You say that Donald Trump did not have to file for "personal" bankruptsy? Well, what he did was worse because he used other people's money and when he fell, it cost a lot of people every single time.

Why did we experience the economic crash? We experienced that because "many" people spent more or borrowed more than they were capable of servicing a way to keep up with what they "borrowed on". Our country/government had to step in and bail out the banks Mowtown, and we are ALL paying for that. And speaking of our country, look at the mess our debt situation is. The reason interest rates are so low is because our country would never be able to pay on the debt we are in "if" interest rates went up.

Most people are living paycheck to paycheck and have no real assets. People who are not suffering from PTSD. And, because people like Donald and others took huge gambles, and went belly up, a lot of people are paying the price for that. Many people who were responsible and saved all their lives and built up nest eggs, saw all their savings wiped out.

If you really sit down and calculate how much debt you have, it is nothing compared to what other debt people have created. You talk about it in such a big way, but all you really did was spend it on "fighting for yourself" because "someone had to fight for you" at the time. Now you are struggling with the feeling that you are some kind of "criminal", because you did what? Invested in yourself because you were suffering from a major stress breakdown? Well, you had some real "medical issues" Mowtown, and IMHO you did your best to address them.

If you got in shape and took time investing in yourself and it cost more than you realized, or perhaps you got a little carried away with it because of how much you were suffering from a genuine "PTSD challenge", that is not "criminal". People spend at least that amount on "college" Mowtown. What you did was not much different because you spent money on things that entailed others "helping you" in a way you had always deserved and because you did that you actually learned and grew as a person. So, you also bought some material things too, but you did that to also help yourself, that little boy in you that was always a responsible good boy that often went without because he had to step up to the plate to be the responsible parent because his parents failed at that.

What your history says is that you were "stressed" with things you did not deserve to have stressing you in your life and you did the best you could to "survive" that stress.

I think it is "very sad" that you experienced a stress breakdown, and instead of ending your life you "fought back for yourself" and now you are struggling with the thoughts of your being some kind of "criminal". Why, because you took a stand and fought back for yourself?

You say you are no Donald Trump, good, because the truth is you are "not", but in a good way Mowtown. Your intentions were to help yourself and you chose for the most part "healthy things" to spend your money on, "your own money" and maybe a bit more, but THAT IS NOT A CRIME.

IMHO, that money was well spent. It was "good" that you had it so you could "self help" in those positive ways. There was no true crazyness in it, no crime either, because of where you were psychologically. The bike you bought was with the idea of having a positive goal, nothing wrong with that, even if you did not utilize it, at the time you needed to have some kind of "positive direction" to focus on. And the car? Well, that was something to comfort you on a daily basis and that was no crime either. Obama spends millions to play golf, just to play golf and he also had the "best" golf pro teachers. And American citizens pay for it. That man can spend more in one hour than all you spent in the two years of "investing in self help". Honestly, I think it is even less than an hour that Obama can spend some insane amounts of money.

You have talked about the fact that while you have struggled in the past two years you have also learned a lot too. You have been a good boy and a good man all your life too.
You went to college and deserved to engage in that experience, but you could not because you were too distracted and stressed because of leaving your mother with an "unsafe" father. Not only that but while you were trying to learn "for yourself and your future", you had to fight your own sense of unworthiness that your father had instilled in you. That is something you had to work through on your own too, and you managed to achieve "something" in all that mess. The "truth" is you have always been a "survivor" Mowtown and that really does have a lot of value to it.

You were also the only friend your mother had in her entire life too. And even though your father was so messed up, you still found it within you to take pitty on him and even give him a proper funeral too. The truth is, all your life you were the only "man" to do your best in a very "dysfunctional" environment.

That is and never was anything "criminal" in any way. You have not done anything bad.

(((Caring Hugs)))
OE

[Open Eyes]

Also, your reaction to the "stress breakdown" has been typical of PTSD as for the time line you went into "fight mode". That is not the same as "bipolar" Mowtown. A person doesn't all of a sudden present with bipolar disorder. Your history is not saying that about you either. That is why it was important that the professional that treated you take more time to hear your history.

If you listen to that video I posted, you will recognize that what that man is discribing about PTSD, is more of what you were experiencing. The thing about PTSD, or what is discribed as "complex PTSD" too, is the history of "stress" that takes place and how a person who has a long history of stress, is more prone to a "stress breakdown" that is PTSD.

Many people who seek a "calm" do so because that is really what is needed, as you can hear in the video. Otherwise what happens is the person gets worse because they continue to experience the cortisol build up and supression which they don't understand.

When I experienced a stress breakdown myself, I begged for rest and greif counseling. I was not "treated" correctly for a "stress breakdown", because I was only further traumatized with the environment I was in, pushed into drug treatment and surrounded by individuals that were very mentally ill. I was also consistently intruded on every 15 minutes, so I was consistently startled and never got a true nights rest in that environment either. My own family was also mean to me, my sister came in to visit me and threatened me with "I better get with it" or I would lose everything, which is totally the wrong thing to say to anyone who is experiencing a complete stress breakdown known as "post traumatic stress".

I was kept in the psych ward for way too long too. I had to spend Thanksgiving sitting at a table with strangers who were all dealing with extreme psychological illnesses. My family never came to visit me that day either, no comfort/caring/tenderness that a person experiencing a "stress breakdown" deserves. I WAS locked up against my will, I WAS treated like a CRIMINAL. I also experienced "shock with constant chills" and to top that off my room's heat was malfunctioning and the other patients all knew I had the "cold room".

No one explained to me what was wrong with me NO ONE. When I finally literally BEGGED my older sister to help me get out of that place and my husband came to pick me up, he did so and was in no way "nice/caring/understanding/comforting", instead he was very "angry" and that drive home with him was "horrible".

Anyone who dares to say that I do not have "real PTSD" is being totally disrespectful. I now have "chronic PTSD" and luckily I have a therapist that has validated that for me.
I am also very "intimately" aware of the dangerous suicidal thoughts too. I was "alone" with that too, and also punished for talking about how badly I was dealing with those thoughts too, even told to go ahead, and even had a loaded handgun stored in a night stand next to my bed too. I really believed that I was an "expensive burden" too and that it would be better for my whole family if I did not exist to burden them.

I would not have made it had I not met a vet here who explained this unbelievable darkness I was in either. I would not have made it had this vet not helped me to reach out to the therapist I had been seeing but not yet fully trusting. Finally this therapist made it a point to sit with my husband and tell him that what I was dealing with was "real" and was not my fault and that he better take steps to remove that gun and help me and not be mean to me.

I think that what you should do Mowtown is have a therapist that knows what you are experiencing and can sit with your family and explain to them that you are not a criminal and what you struggle with is not your fault and is real and that you deserve the help you need so you can work through it.

My therapist really "helped" when he did that for me with my husband. But it still took a while for my husband to "get it". My own daughter would not talk to me, and finally one time my husband got her to at least be part of a Mother's day breakfast at a restaurant. Unfortunately, that restaurant was very busy/noisey and triggered me severely so I had to go outside and get away from it. I quickly looked for someplace quiet and ended up sitting in a little allyway, shaking, embarassed, confused, and crying. I did not know about that challenge with PTSD, and when I was in that allyway, I had no idea what to say, how to explain it to my husband/daughter/inlaws that were there that day. I could not stop shaking and was so embarssed, praying that no one would see me in that allyway, trying to figure out what was happening to me. Here I was experiencing PTSD from a trauma, and now traumatized from the PTSD that I did not understand, and I remember not knowing what to say to my family once they began to wonder where I went and found me in that allyway. I did not know how to explain something even I did not understand myself.

It is "wrong" that someone should struggle that way and not have the family around them told about it, have it explained to them so they don't react badly to the person who is genuinely struggling and scared and confused.

Time and again all I hear is how others deal with that same challenge and it is just not fair that people who struggle this way not have help from a professional that can tell their family members what it means and "how" to be supportive and not "blame the person struggling".

I have a great deal of respect for anyone who is struggling with this challenge too. Everyone I have met was a survivor of some very "stressful" things that they lived through in their lives too. And "everyone" I have met deserves to "heal" with support and respect too.

OE

[Open Eyes]

Mowtown, I posted this video to explain what is being considered "bipolar" which is only misunderstood when it comes to PTSD.

PTSD Is A Treatable Disorder | Mars Venus

The physiology of PTSD is not the same as Bipolar at all. That is why it is so crucial that a patient have the chance to discuss their history. What may be considered "wrecklessness" that is often associated with Bipolar, is simply not the case, but instead an effort to find a way to reduce the "stess buildup and symptoms of PTSD" where the individual is seeking some kind of "escape or calm", but doesn't understand "why" they struggle this way.

[Bluegrey]

Johnny, I don't have much to add to all this good advice, but I don't think you should beat yourself up too much about the debt. It's not a good situation, but you are still here which is the most important thing. There is a way through this, and I hope you find it soon. And find some comfort as well.


Bluegrey

[Open Eyes]

Mowtown, you have been quiet......how are you doing?

[MotownJohnny]

Hi, OE, and all. Thanks for responding.

Actually, super busy at work, and with personal stuff. It's tax extension deadline next week, that is always a lot of work, but honestly, I enjoy it, it makes me feel like I am really accomplishing things to get all of the returns checked, assembled, and out to the clients.

I only have one other comment vis a vis that - I wish I had had the stomach and wherewith to be a doctor - one we do returns for ONLY made $1.8 million dollars last year. Only - I hope to God the man doesn't starve to death, or freeze to death not paying his heat bills for his about 12,000 square foot house, which is a couple of miles from me, I've seen the outside, it looks like a hotel. Ah, the life of the 1% in America.

Therapy has been good, looking forward to a cool, crisp autumn weekend.

[Teacake]

Most doctors make much less than that.

I hope you can find a way to stop spending, shuffle your credit card debt to lower interest cards, and live below your means so you can get on top of your situation without having to ask your family for money. It seems to me that your numbers should be able to work out OK, but your emotions are what's leading you to want to put all your wheels on the table and turn over your finances to the matriarchs of the family. It's a PTSD panic laid over something else..

I'm being called away...I think you can look at your numbers and see that you can do this yourself...its quite possible to live decently on an austerity budget if you have a good address. FFS Johnny, just taming your caffeine habit should free up dollars to pay off your bike and reduce ptsd too. . You can do this on your own and probably in such a way no one will be able to tell. Hang in there.

[MotownJohnny]

Yeah, most of other physician clients are no where near that. Neurosurgeon, what can I say, plus a lot of investment income.

Yeah, about that. Screw them. I feel entitled to share in the family wealth. I've got years of sweat equity, and it would be nothing to them financial to bail me out. I'm going to try to get up my courage and present them with a proposal. I'm only asking for a structured loan, and quite willing to put up collateral. Business proposition, even if it is doing business with the devil. One more thing they can lord over me and use as emotional ammunition. But sometimes I gotta do this stuff.

Yeah, my Monster habit is like $5 a day, then a couple in Diet Mt. Dew. I know, I should get off it, but I crave it. It's like any junkie, I guess. I could switch to Vivarin.

Oh, I'm hanging in there. Thanks, Teacake. As an elderly Jewish client of mine would say, you're a real mensch (even though you are a woman).

[Open Eyes]

Keeping busy is good.

[Teacake]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Mowtown, I posted this video to explain what is being considered "bipolar" which is only misunderstood when it comes to PTSD.

PTSD Is A Treatable Disorder | Mars Venus

The physiology of PTSD is not the same as Bipolar at all. That is why it is so crucial that a patient have the chance to discuss their history. What may be considered "wrecklessness" that is often associated with Bipolar, is simply not the case, but instead an effort to find a way to reduce the "stess buildup and symptoms of PTSD" where the individual is seeking some kind of "escape or calm", but doesn't understand "why" they struggle this way.

Trauma my trigger bipolar disorder, in which case the correct diagnosis and treatment is for the bipolar disorder.

When every disorder, including the personality disorders, that can be attributed to trauma is euphemistically la eked "PTSD" people whose primary disorder is true PTSD go underserved and people who have other disorders go mistreated. It is dangerous to misdiagnosed bipolar as PTSD. It is much more dangerous than to mislabel PTSD bipolar.

[Open Eyes]

Teacake, when a psychiatrist spends only a few minutes with a patient and diagnoses bipolar, it is unfair to that patient, especially if the patient is experiencing a major "stress breakdown" that they have named "post traumatic "stress". Also as I have posted before with information from top professionals in the field, it is wrong to diagnose a person who has PTSD with some kind of personality disorder instead of PTSD.

If a person sees one psychiatrist for only 5 minutes and gets a diagnosis of Bipolar, then sees two or three other qualified psychiatrists that spend more time and diagnose PTSD and "not" Bipolar, one doesn't just go with the first diagnosis, especially when other psychiatrists have made it a point to state the patient is "not Bipolar".

Also it is not fair to a patient struggling with PTSD to tell them their symptoms are merely because they have a personality disorder either. If someone presents "after" experiencing a trauma with all the red flags that are often very debilitating symptoms of PTS, it is important the time is taken to treat the patient correctly and "listen" to that patient. The last thing a traumatized individual needs is "more trauma" from bad treatment.

Listening to a person's history is very important as well. If there is truly Bipolar present, a patient will show the signs of mania and more depressive episodes in their history. A person who has saved money and been very responsible and did not express manic episodes with being irresponsible and "manic" then it is doubtful this person after presenting with a trauma with a stress breakdown is "Bipolar".

Understanding the "flight" that presents with PTSD, which can be "getting away from" something towards some kind of "relief", is not the same as a "manic" episode.

Can someone with Bipolar also experience PTSD, yes, however, again, it is important to consider the person's history
before diagnosing someone wrong.

Depressive episodes are in both of these challenges too, so here again, "history" is key in making sure an individual is not
confused even more than they are, especially if they struggle with PTSD and struggling with memories of "trauma/traumas".

[Open Eyes]

Most of the members in this forum are working with professionals and are in therapy.

For example myself, I work with a therapist whom works with trauma patients and has explained to me that I experienced Post Traumatic Stress after experiencing a trauma as well as suffering a lot of loss. He has read through my records with all the notes where I did express the clear red flags that I was in fact a "trauma patient" that was overlooked in my treatment. He also explained to me that this has been a problem and efforts are being made to train the staff in psych wards to better identify trauma patients so they don't further traumatize these patients.

If I come here for support, I do not need someone who doesn't know me, nor has treated me in a therapy situation seeing me in person to tell me I do not have "real PTSD" when I have been diagnosed as such. I do not have a history of mania where I drank excessively or was careless, in fact I did not care for drugs as is more the case with someone who is hyper vigilant and has experienced different "traumas". No therapist has ever considered Borderline Personality Disorder with me, even though I did experience trauma in my past, not everyone who experienced childhood trauma develops Borderline Personality Disorder or some other personality disorder either.

I have learned a great deal from my therapist and do my best to share the things I have learned.

Struggling with "any" mental illness is such a challenge, so much to learn, so much to try to understand too. And, if there is a history of trauma, much to work through too.

OE

[Open Eyes]

Mowtown, if you plan on asking for financial help, perhaps you could do so leaving out the bike and the car which would be something your family could complain about. Just a suggestion, I don't know what you have financed and what kind of medical expenses you have accumulated. You could "try" explaining that you have been struggling with post traumatic stress and having other health issues and you have been working very hard in therapy and with yourself physically to get in better shape to overcome this challenge.

You know your family best Mowtown, I just thought that I would suggest a way you "could" approach the financial challenge.

((Hugs))
OE

[Parley]

Motown~ I've never had money so I can't imagine doing anything but going without. I don't quite understand your situation but I know I have a limited supply of energy for family and I wouldn't want your options. I wish you the best.

[Teacake]

Johnny, I hope you can take a moment to breathe and think through the numbers. You can probably handle this yourself. It may affect your lunch money for a time but It wont change your retirement plans or even your lifestyle. You still have a good job and a good address and a car. You wont be impoverished if you stop spending.

I will say It again. I worry about you burning your candle at both ends. Caffeine and sleep deprivation could be behind these manic symptoms. PTSD avoids sleep to avoid dreams--this is GABA depletion--any prolonged stress depletes GABA and everything else geta thrown off. Add overtraining and caffeine and concentrated carbohydrate and you can induce all kinda of crazy symptoms.

It would be foolish and irresponsible to tell you you definitely have PTSD. You could have bipolar, in which case the GABA that works for me could send you up or down. It is responsible and common sense to say you cant abuse caffeine to go without sleep without mucking up your entire neuroendocrine balance. You cant get a good dx muddied up like that.

PTSD does mean someone has to thank you for your sacrificial service with kaching. A lot of pseudo-ptsd is about the shirking of responsibility for actions with bad consequences and a demand for cosmic reparations. You have too much Integrity If character for that. Don't injure yourself in a moment of panic.