[JaneC]

TRIGGER....talk of rape

I wrote about this on the psychotherapy forum a bit, but this forum here helps me with the PTSD stuff, so....

Arrrggghh........

I am stuck back inside of a memory of one of the times I was raped, the anniversary is coming up(NYEve) and my therapist triggered this today. I did not want to talk about it, he is going to be away now for 3 weeks, and again over xmas/NY for a month, and did not want to feel any of the emotions etc knowing he'd be away.

But I'm back there, that night, today I felt the abject terror of that night and especially the desperate desire to call out, shout for help......that I couldn't do then. Back then my mouth was covered, and I was threatened that if I made a noise then he would call his friend to come take part too....today, I desperately wanted to ask my therapist for help, to get me out of that memory.........and I couldn't talk. In fact I felt myself gagging, trying but not being able to.

I was gone into that memory, or trying to get away from it, I don't know, but when I came back I was so confused. Where I was, what was going on and what had been said.

I have some recollection of my therapist talking to me during it, trying to ground me I guess. But when I came back, I was aggressive and angry with him.

I am so stressed right now, I don't want to go to bed because I know what happens then. My mind goes back there........that is the usual process. And then tonight the tears on and off, trying not to allow them to overwhelm me. And all of his awful physical stuff that comes along with it, feeling dizzy, foggy still and aching all over but especially my head neck and shoulders.

Do you all get that?

I could really use kind words and support over the next while, with my therapist being away now and all of the other stressors in life right now......not sure how I will be coping.

[kaliope]

trauma memories are the worst......I am sorry you will not have the support of you t. if you ever need to talk, pm me..ok

[Open Eyes]

((Jane)), do you have a medication to help you sleep at night and bypass the dream state?

It's very inconvenient that this is surfacing right now and you don't have someone to talk to, that alone is very triggering. I am sorry that is happening right now for you too. Well, you are not completely alone because you do have PC. I know that is not a physical presence, however, it exposes you to others who have experienced this challenge and did work their way through it, even though it was so hard.

The experience you have discribed "is" awful and the individual was a horrible person. In an experience like that, it is hard to know what to do emotionally and the only thing you could do is your best to survive it. You "did" survive it, however, with something like that taking place even though one survives something is "taken" from them, that is their sense of safety and also how to trust anyone at all including one's self. That is a "normal" response to a trauma like that.

When something like that takes place, the warning signs can often be recognized "after" the event. But that is only because the person is in a place where they can review the entire event including the outcome. All of the aftermath, including what you are experiencing right now happens because this is what has to happen so an individual will
review and learn. This also takes place in society as a whole when a traumatic event takes place and that "sense of safety is lost". There is always the same questions about who the person was and "why" the horrible event took place and what were the warning signs that were missed. Along with that is the emotional challenge and "rememberance and mouring" too.

It's OK to talk about this challenge and review and you need to identify the "whys" and your emotions and that "yes" it was traumatic for you. When it presents itself like it is happening now? That is a flashback wave and these will come, crest, and receed. My T told me that I cannot stop them, but learn to understand it comes in like a wave, crests and receeds and do my best to ground myself, and acknowledge that "yes" that did happen, but it is not happening now and to look around me and allow myself to recognize that in wherever I am in the now. He told me that as I do that the strength of these flashbacks will actually get weaker. What you are doing right now Jane with talking about it is important because that needs to happen, but what also needs to happen is also acknowledging "not now" too. It is "ok" to say "it frightened me, it hurt me, I am angry, I am scared, and whatever you are feeling emotionally. It is very reasonable that you are also not ready to process this in your brain while you sleep too.
That is like trying to figure it all out on your own which you have not been able to do, that is normal. That is why you will need to repeat it as much as you need to until you have enough "I believe you" and "whys" and comfort for as much as you need until you have enough to finally get to a point where you are settled enough to find your way forward.

You do not have your T, but you have us, and we are real people and while I can't be there physically for you (really wish I could), we are listening and here as much as you need to talk it out.

(((Very Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE

[Open Eyes]

Part of the "healing" too Jane is not just about what happened and sorting through how it affected you as a person. It's also about learning to take from the experience as well, and doing something "productive" with it. A lot of soul searching takes place when a person experiences a trauma. So one of the things that is "healing" is also seeing how "others" have learned to heal and accept that "yes" it did happen, it cannot be taken away, but it can be taken and utilized in ways that are not only healing to one's self, but to reach out to others in a more understanding and supportive way too.

I watched Billy Bob Thorton share things about his tragedies in life and how he had to sort through it and even grow from it. It's not "your" specific experience, but it was "trauma" that he had to figure out how to sort through himself. I am glad I got to see this myself, I had not known much about him, but I like his demeanor, how he shares his way of seeing things. It's nice to have someone share on a deep level like this because it brings into the mind a kind of presence that is a kind mentor type that acknowledges the challenge itself in a quiet validation of how difficult that healing journey really is.

There are several areas he addresses that are all worth listening to that I found comforting.

So here is the "link".
Billy Bob Thornton on the Death of His Brother - Video

[JaneC]

I had to force myself to come back to this post today. I have managed to keep incredibly busy, and so have mostly avoided thinking about this today(apart from a few tears into my morning toast, sigh).
Last night was a dream filled sleep, and I'm back to my pattern of early waking these days, so was waking up throughtout....ugh. But I'm doing better.

I do hate these memories, and I have barely, barely touched on them in therapy..........

Originally Posted by kaliope

trauma memories are the worst......I am sorry you will not have the support of you t. if you ever need to talk, pm me..ok

kaliope, thank you for the offer. I am dreadful at reaching out, but the offer is so kind. In the past, on a forum, I had a bad experience communicating via pm, so I struggle with that a lot.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

((
You do not have your T, but you have us, and we are real people and while I can't be there physically for you (really wish I could), we are listening and here as much as you need to talk it out.

(((Very Caring Supportive Hugs)))
OE

Thank you OE. Yes, I am glad that I have here to come to.

[Open Eyes]

That's ok, you did good in distracting yourself, nothing wrong with that. It was good that you at least talked about it. A lot came out in what you talked about, even how your T is not going to be around, that in itself is triggering and I have experienced that myself so I know that feeling. You "can" come here though if you need others to lean on, that is also something you are learning to trust. I can also understand being uncomfortable with PMing too, had some bad experiences with that myself. It's important you do whatever you need to feel safe, that is what is important. Certain things are nicer in the open because you can have differing POV's too.

[Bluegrey]

(((Jane)))

Sorry things are so horrible for you at the moment. I don't think I have anything especially clever to add to everyone else's posts, but do want to reiterate: we are here for you. That doesn't come with pressure - it's fine to ignore PC for a while if that's better for you.

Take care, hope you can settle yourself a bit soon.


Bluegrey