[*PeaceLily*]

Ok. I am really bad right now, and I am having suicidal thoughts to be honest, although I am trying to not entertain them.

I don't know what this is but it happens to me a lot, and I don't know how to cope with it at all.

Basically, I may have bipolar or something which caused me to have terrible reactions to standard medications. Because I was in a domestically abusive situation with my father which blamed me for the side effects, and the person would not put me in hospital and they acted like everything was fine, and I was always told to go back on medications by my mother even though I kept saying I wanted to leave, I spent my life like this barely going out from the ages of 18-25. The details are awful, and the way it was day to day is not something I can talk about.Ordinarily, I don't have issues with self harm at all, but the mania was so bad I would cover myself in cuts and bruises back then. I managed to get away to a womens refuge once, but ended back in it again.

Basically, I will get an image of myself flash up in my head. Right now, it was from a time when I was trying to be less depressed before the meds kicked in and I went crazy again. It will then be juxtaposed with the mixed episode of mania that would always follow, so I saw myself trying to get out of my skin...err literally and chucking loads of stuff down the stairs. I then will suddenly get hit by the truth of it all, often in the form of a sentence in my head. I thought the truth was supposed to set you free but all it does is make me feel suicidal! I just had one thought that I was stuck living like that trying to get away for 7 years. these images and thoughts almost put me in another world. Then i have such intense feelings of injustice and anger and the feeling of having been in a 'catch 22'. I feel intense disempowerment. This is followed by a compulsive desire to speak to members of my family about what happened- often to get understanding or sympathy and for people to see my perspective, which they never did before. I think I feel the need to talk to them to try to convince them that I am not bad person, (even though I feel like I must be a bad person and a freak/different than other people for all this stuff to have happened to me.)

This is just one aspect of why i know I have ptsd issues.This isnt a rare thing. The feelings are so intense, and the main feeling is one of powerlessness/frustration and injustice.I have had no life due to all this craziness, and it makes me get hit with wves of frustration. I can actually cry with the frustration that there isnt anything I can do about it, and my family really doesnt understand what happened to me. They just want me to never mention it all again.

I have a therapist but I have realised she is no good. She mentions trauma sometimes, but it's not structured or anything.She really does nothing.he teaches me no techniques or anything and basically just takes my money.

What can I do to stay safe right now, without calling my family or involving other people, because I dont know anyone outside my family? The feeling of injustice is so intense and it's not a feeling I can do anything with. I feel like a complete freak becuse of the life I have lived, like I am different from other human beings. Apparently that is a symptom of post traumatic stress too. I can get intensely suicidal.

Does anyone have any tips for feeling like this and staying safe?

xxxx

[Bluegrey]

((PeaceLily))

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this - and so glad you are asking for help here on PC.

I think I can see what you mean about getting hit with the truth of all that has happened to you, but I also think that there is truth that you are not seeing so clearly. One part of this other truth is that you have come through those experiences with an understanding that you were abused and misunderstood, and are now in a position where you can make decisions for yourself.

In terms of the therapist, it doesn't sound as if you are getting what you feel you need, so perhaps it might be worth finding a different one. I don't have any experience with that sort of thing, mind you, but the whole point of having therapy is to get better, and carry on getting better, and if that isn't happening I think something needs to change.

I'm not really sure what to suggest in terms of immediate advice. I have times of trying not to entertain suicidal thoughts as well; sometimes if they aren't so bad I can distract myself by playing games like solitaire or 2048, but at other times it's harder and that doesn't work. I try and talk to myself logically, saying that it won't be so bad later in the day, or tomorrow morning, or set myself targets of not thinking about it for half an hour, or two hours, or whatever. When it's been worst I have tried to get hold of a friend - once I rang someone who knows how bad it can get and just asked her to talk to me - I couldn't talk without crying and crying made it worse. Maybe coming here to PC is similar.

You can come here and vent any time, or just post about anything. There are lots of people who understand what you are talking about and who want to help you to hang on. You can do it, I'm sure you can.


Bluegrey

[fineday1]

I agree with Bluegrey that sometimes you have to try out a different therapist if the one that you go to is not helping you out with the "difficut thoughts". Try doing a search in Google for trauma therapy or trauma counselor or dial 911 or a hotline number to be connected with a trained specialist. I understand what you are going through and I've also had memories that made me feel really worthless before. It's not all that you are. There is more to you than the memories of the trauma, but finding a trained specialist to talk to would be the first step to feeling better. Sometimes the therapy might not work out, but you can always look up helpful videos on youtube, or call a friend, or close relative. I know there are hotlines you can call about various issues and that there are specific support groups where you can talk about what happened. More importantly, listen to soothing music, provide yourself with inspiration, and perhaps treat yourself as a beautiful woman that you are.

[fineday1]

I agree with Bluegrey that sometimes you have to try out a different therapist if the one that you go to is not helping you out. Try listening to soothing music, provide yourself with inspiration, and perhaps treat yourself as a beautiful woman that you are.

Additionally, I also experience suicidal thoughts from time to time. It's hard to move through them when you have them, they seem so overwhelming and like you can't get out of feeling that way. I wish I could say that the road to recovery is like, but I can't really assure you of very much. I know change takes time. I also live with depression, anxiety, and have some condition similar to bipolar.

As far as talking with your relatives, if they don't want to talk with you about what you have to say. I would say don't talk to them. Talk to people on PC. Maybe you can find more compassion and understanding here versus from the people who trigger the pain. I know what living with an abusive family member feels like. It's difficult because you love them, but they hurt your feelings and don't empathize with what you've gone through. Don't be vulnerable around them. Do what you have to do to stay safe a distance away from them.

Trauma is difficult to talk about, and can be traumatic to remember. I would say, try writing down what happened. You don't have to show your writing to anyone. Take a look at this article about writing about past events: Expressive Art Therapy Activity # 45 - Healing Traumatic Memories with Embodied Writing - The Art of Emotional Healing

Healing Trauma steps: Ten Steps to Healing From Trauma

National Network to End Domestic Violence: National Network to End Domestic Violence | Home SAFETY ALERT: If you are in danger, please use a safer computer, or call 911, a local hotline, or the U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224

[Open Eyes]

((PeaceLily)),

I am sorry you are having some dark thoughts, you need to be patient with this, they are much like other symtoms that come in like a wave, crest, and receed and go away. Yes, the desire to talk about it is very common, that is why it is important to have a good trauma therapist.

Yes, I had those flashes myself, it scared me too. You need to acknowledge them, yes that happened, it was in my past but not now. And I know that feeling of it being your fault or feeling like a failure too. That is normal with PTSD, but don't feed into it, again, it's ok to acknowledge you are feeling that way, but, you must remember it is a symptom of PTSD and these episodes will slowly ease up, very important to remember that when they happen. Yes, that urge to tell family will happen too, make them hear you and feel bad for what happened to you. That strong feeling takes place too, however, as you keep acknowledging it and talking about it, that will slowly ease up.

No, you are not a "freak" either, yet again PTSD does make a person feel like that. It's good that you have talked about this here because you need to know that what you are feeling is something others have experienced and worked through as well.

Yes sometimes the frustration goes from anger to tears because in this phase you are in of PTSD, that does happen, but as you keep working through it, talking it all out these episodes get less and less powerful, I promise that they will so you need to be patient with this stage.

See if you can find a trauma therapist, what helps is talking this all out as much as you need to, a therapist is supposed to help you feel safe, listen to you and be a witness to your challenge as that was not something you had. Having someone validate these challenges with you helps a great deal. Always remember when things come forward it's always in a wave that comes forward, crests and then receeds, it's not like they last and last.

You are still young PeaceLily, you can work through this and do better and get your life together. Do not feed into the suicidal thoughts, they will ease up. You must be honest with this therapist and ask her to refer you to a trauma therapist.

You are always welcome to vent, post, talk here if you need to. It's good to have a place to talk it out.

((Gentle Caring Hugs))
OE