If I had the chance

I usually find myself dreaming a lot. Sometimes, I wonder if the dreams are real and not just another vision my mind created. Ever since I can remember, I have had these dreams that are endless and sometimes very terrifying. My dreams have nearly destroyed all I have to grip what is normal and what is not. It's as though I'm always dreaming in circles. There was one dream I had within in dream that made me think. I discussed this dream a little on these boards when I first entered the forum.
The dream was a dream where I was a child in school. I dreamt I strived hard to gain all the knowledge I could so that I could grow up and become a responsible, independant, adult. But in the same dream I had a dream which let me see into the future. It was a terrifying future. I saw all the monsters who entered my memories including the real life monsters who took advantage of my illness and bullied me until all I could do was hold back my screams and pray for a rescue. I saw all the careers I wanted to try being flushed away because I was mentally ill. I saw that all the education in the world would not save me from my illness. I got to see how the future world would treat me as though my illness was like lepracy. In the dream amongst the dream I saw that my future would be filled with disapointments and ignorance. I saw my life living every moment with an illness that could strike at any time.
You know what? I'm 40 years old and I have lived through many situations that have crippled me with fear. Had I gotten the oppertunity to glance into my future before graduating, with honors, I might have chosen a different path in life. I probably would've chosen to end my life at that time if I knew my future was going to be filled with pain.
I can honestly see that I am glad I never got the chance to glance into my future, because life is worth living even though this darn illness makes me feel alone. Life has it's ups and downs but that doesn't mean one has to give up on believing that some day someone will see me and not my illness. Never give up!!
BabyDoe

The world is a huge puzzle and we, humankind, are the pieces of this puzzle. I wish we all could work together to find our proper places then the world would be a big beautiful masterpiece.

That was beautifully written. It is true that many would not want to live if they knew what tomorrow would bring. The old saying "live one day at a time" is one of the best mottos to live by. I am glad you were able to conquer all the days. You should be proud. I am sorry that the world views mental illness as a "type of leprosy". But I know that it is percieved in that way. Thank you for sharing. I hope that your message will encourage others to not look too far ahead. Each day is a new opportunity for hope and renewal in the journey of life. I am walking in some good days lately, and I can say that all the pain was worth the days that I walk in now. I hope that those who are walking in the storm, continue to walk. There is a break in the clouds if you don't stop going. Thanks again for sharing.

Katden:

I'm honored to share with you. I do hope that someday everyone will look past the crueties and see all the good that can come out of each and everyone of us. My illness has and still gives me grief, but it also gives me a chance to be a better human being. My illness gives me an oppertunity to be creative in ways no...I hope I use this statement right..."Normal" person will ever experience. I don't love being ill, but I sure love living. Thanks for your response, Katden.

The world is a huge puzzle and we, humankind, are the pieces of this puzzle. I wish we all could work together to find our proper places then the world would be a big beautiful masterpiece.

usually dreams are caused from whatever is bothering you in your subconsious mind even if you don't know what it is, there is a reason behind nightmares. Or it could be about your fears, I know mine have been and I'd get them all the time, now that i've dealt with alot of stuff they are less and less... I hoping they will all end eventually. But there will always be something, at least dreams cannot hurt you.

Take care.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Sundance;

Thanks for the inspirational words. I know my subconcious(sp) is craving to go to school to further my education, but my illness has put an endless damper on the possibilities, however, it doesn't mean I have to give up. I guess the trick is to "Keep on trucking."
BabyDoe

The world is a huge puzzle and we, humankind, are the pieces of this puzzle. I wish we all could work together to find our proper places then the world would be a big beautiful masterpiece.

Hey BabyDoe

You are right keep on truckin'.. I made the big mistake of not finishing highschool I always think about going back to school but it terrifies me. Everything I think stems from school, I just feel dumb that I only have a grade 8...

But I am doing fine, i've had jobs, right now I don't but i'm looking, just do the best that you can and think postive, take it easy.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

sundance;

I think if you'd like to go back to school it'd be a great thing to check it out. As an adult I believe school might be a little easier to get through because all of the clicks aren't there anymore. Just adults who want to further their education to get somewhere different than they are right now. I know if if I had a chance I'd further mine. You seem to be very intelligent for someone who made it through to the eighth grade. I hope some day you'll think about going back just because you can. Goodluck in whatever you choose to do
BabyDoe

The world is a huge puzzle and we, humankind, are the pieces of this puzzle. I wish we all could work together to find our proper places then the world would be a big beautiful masterpiece.

Thanks baby doe

It is hard for me to do that though because all the anxiety started with school as well as depression. SO to get back is super hard.

What grade did you make it, you said you'd go back if you could?

I think if I don't get a job this summer I might just do that, we'll see.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

sundance;

Sorry it took so long to reply to your question. I've been busy writing another story and helping my mom with her church stuff. I graduated high school, joined the Army, and completed two years of college. I had a breakdown shortly afterwards and was committed to a V.A hospital where I learned I have a learning dissability. Somehow my brain has a difficult time with reading comprehension. I haven't given up on the idea that maybe someday I'll regain what I've lost. Writing helps. I hope you too can someday regain your strength to go to school again. I know school sucks, but it is better as an adult because there isn't any teasing by other snob nosed bullies. Take care.
Babydoe

The world is a huge puzzle and we, humankind, are the pieces of this puzzle. I wish we all could work together to find our proper places then the world would be a big beautiful masterpiece.

Baby Doe

You are right, alot of people do say it's easier when you are older to go back to school. I haven't completely ruled that out as of yet. There is a place actually not too far where my boyfriend lives, and it's free as far as I know. I haven't had the guts to call them though, too much anxiety. Wanted my dad to call and just get information but he hasn't...

I know that if I did it, and just got something on paper my confidence etc would go up. Right now don't think I could get actually into a place like that, afraid that panic will get in the way.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>