I found my mother dead and can't cope

Different combinations of things can react differently at different times within the body also. I know that one OD I did (in the hospital) & ended up in ICU on a ventilator. Same combination of pills later on did NOTHING.

Sometimes the body seems to be in a more vulnerable place than others.

I am so sorry this happened & left you struggling with it. I know I struggle with the choices that my mother made at the end of her life even though she did have cancer. It's hard when they make poor choices even when they aren't intentional....& we end up living with the consequences of their poor choices.....it's a struggle to deal with no matter how much we LOVE them we are the ones who end up HURT.

I can relate all to well. My grandparents died before I was born, or all 1-6 years after my birth. Youngest brother died when in I was in early 20s (i seriously shut-down......) Other brother.. well I know he loves me (but I can't depend on him - even for basic phone calls... seriously mental health issues..) I'm not to judge with my own issues, and but sure his are due to our childhood....

I've always been such an independent and strong person. There is one thing to feel lonely...another thing to feel alone.... They are different... they are...

During my late teens I was experiencing a lot of mental health issues with risky behavior, depression and anxiety. They put me on antidepressants and I believe I was also on an anti-anxiety beta blocker at the same time. I would go out partying a lot, as many high-schoolers do, and I would drink a lot with my friends. This wasn't a rare occurrence. It was only until a couple years later in a therapists office that I started talking about this and she reminded me how dangerous mixing medications and alcohol is. At the time I either didn't care or didn't know any better.
Looking back I just shake my head at how reckless I used to be. I think it boiled down to a lack of self love and a combination of family neglect, lack of support, whatever else.
I consider myself lucky for the things I've been through. Hindsight is 20/20

Update: we still have no cause of death, the ME is still looking into it... I'm still holding down the fort, although between my own issues and trying to care for my disabled child all alone, things are pretty rough. When the death certificate is final, we will all inherit her life insurance policy, and I plan to use my portion to buy a couple vending machines so I'll have an income that doesn't require me to be in a particular place at a particular time, since my loyalties are with my daughter... As many times as I've been suddenly called to pick up my daughter from school, I'd have been fired by now for missing shifts... Not to mention I'd pretty much need a nanny in order to go back to work. Right now, we are living off of her 401k, and I'm praying I can make it last... I feel guilty for spending her money... Like I don't deserve it... It was supposed to be her retirement money. I wish I could've at least kept it for my own retirement, but I guess we all have to pay the cards we're dealt... I'm lost without her in so many ways, working being an important one... She was the only other person trained in my daughter's care, and that took years. We often worked opposite shifts to care for her. Now it's just me. And nobody can help. I still cry for her daily, and still wonder how I'll ever live without her... I'd give anything to have her back, thigh I suppose that goes without saying... My birthday was yesterday... The first one I've ever had without her getting me a cake, taking my daughter shopping for a gift for me and throwing me a little party. It was a rather rough day. Today isn't any easier... It doesn't help that we STILL don't know why she was taken from us, and can't piece together the events of her last night. I'm still doing my best to care for my brother and sister, with help from the navy in my brother's case. I see his desperate posts on Facebook when he has bad days, but he won't really talk to me. We've always had a strange relationship since he's 14 years younger than me. My sister is now a single mother, another one of many in my family... My grandmother divorced when my mom was little, my mother didn't marry until my brother's dad, and I never married either. We have no one left but my uncle and his wife and things are strained with him since he's never really been a big part of our lives. I'm trying to convince my sister right now - as I type - to at least try to include him in her life. For my brother and me, it's just weird, but he was openly mean to her on at least a few occasions. I'm struggling to keep my little family together the way my mother did, but she left big shoes... I still can't get the image of her lifeless body out of my head, and often find myself crying in public. I think that going back to work as a cna (my job) would be a threat to my mental health right now. Too straining... Idk what to do. I miss her terribly, she was half my heart... I'm doing my best to just get closer to my daughter. And on top of all this, my "boyfriend" has not been around. Screw him, I suppose... He skimmed over our two year anniversary, Valentine's day and my birthday. The next time I see him, I will tell him he makes a great friend, but I can't be anything more to him, since he clearly doesn't want me to be. I'm tired of being ignored, not taken seriously... He makes no effort to keep me in his life, and my mother told me I deserve better. I will carry all of her advice with me for the rest of my life... I guess that's all I can do.

You couldn't honor her in any better way....glad that your mother had wisdom.....I only wish that mine would have had any wisdom to remember her by.....be thankful for that....because when it isn't there it's a huge hole.

My mother was full of wisdom from hard lessons learned. She was truly a student of the school of hard knocks. She had it so rough that it was always my plan to take care of her... But I never got the chance. Fml

hugs

1. Quick thank you too all who have been there for me through this... I love you all and don't know what I'd do without you.

2. Her cause of death was made official today. It is listed as "undetermined". This only brings more questions... We still have no idea why our loving mother was abruptly taken from us. It makes no sense because she was young and healthy. She took good care of herself... She exercised, ate salads every day, took all her vitamins, etc. It makes no sense. All I can tell myself is that some higher power somewhere must have needed her particular brand of selfless love and compassion. She truly was a wonderful woman, and she is sincerely missed by almost everyone who knew her. The other people are just generally bad people.

I hope wherever she is, she is finally happy. She deserves it. She suffered from massive depression for many years. At least she is no longer suffering.

I think you are doing well with how you are taking this ((usehername)), for some reason her life journey ended and it doesn't have to mean something bad. You could very well be right about something beyond our understanding that has called upon her in a way we do not yet understand. I also believe that she is actually now in a place that "knows" she has been a good person and she will be embraced and may be needed in another way.

I honestly feel she is still there for you, just in a different way usehername. You have yourself been blessed because you were loved by such a caring person, you will always have that.

((Caring Hugs))
OE