[vonmoxie]

I want to say first and foremost that I really dig my PTSD/trauma survivor brethren. Besides the massive amount of empathy that I have, I just think that ye all be some remarkably smart and thoughtful people.

I find I contribute here far more sporadically than I would like. I've always before had a sense of pride about being a helpful entity in a consistent manner, a consistent presence in others' lives to whatever extent I can. But I'm struggling to be consistent in anything right now.

I just have not had the kind of control of myself I was once effortlessly accustomed to having. For decades. I forget how much of my behavior I cannot myself anymore predict, how much of my energy I cannot corral in the ways that I always always could. It still surprises me. People have always told me how amazing it was, how strong I could be in the face of my past. How great it was that I never let it change who I am, that I never became bitter towards others. But I just don't seem to have it in me anymore; not since certain more recent traumas seem to gotten me all the way to a tipping point that I didn't see coming. It's as though I was walking on absolutely solid ground for so long, and have suddenly walked off a cliff, and some other version of me is now in charge with whom I can't even get a meeting to discuss possibilities.

Perhaps ironically, I feel especially apologetic to this community, for whom I just massively have appreciation, both for what we have in common, and what we bring to each other by convening here. I feel apologetic that I'm not closer to being the more powerful version of myself that I once was. That I am so helpless. I'm still trying to navigate what will constitute new power for me, since my old power seems to be nothing but a memory to me.

I've been getting more emotional lately. I think it's positive. While it could just be the change afoot (holla), I tend to think that it has been more to do with connecting with all that is expressed here, that I manage to read and/or respond to. I find myself coming back to this forum but also wandering from it at times and again I feel guilty for not being more consistent. But my bigger emotion is appreciation, and if I'm ever like, long-winded or just act like a jerk or I don't respond it's because I'm really struggling. I'm not saying it to excuse myself; I don't excuse myself. Rather I'm wanting to somehow bridge my intent to my effect for now, in a way that I never used to have to think so hard about.

What am I saying right now?! I hope this made sense, somehow.

Thank you.

[kaliope]

I think I can understand what you are saying....don't feel guilty...we all give and take from this site...we give when we are doing well and take when we need the support...we don't do well all the time and nobody expects us to. we are just grateful to have you here. take care

[vonmoxie]

Love me some kaliope.

Thank you.

[Open Eyes]

vonmoxie, I have always found your input very enlightening and I can actually see you are such an intelligent individual and I have no problem seeing that you had been a very strong "survivor" too.

I can relate to what you are discribing, when I joined PC, IRL I was so disconnected but in PC I could connect with "who I used to be" and that was important to me, to remember who I had been and not the heap I had been sitting at the computer not being able to interact with my environment.

I definitely have days where I don't have much to contribute though, and I just look over things and drift through the day and try to do my best to wait out whatever has shifted and come over me putting me into a cycle, waiting it out so I can figure out what it means and why it happened. I have noticed others struggle that way too which is an unfortunate part to the PTSD challenge.

You just do the best you can, take care of "you" as needed and come and share when you can too.

((Hugs))
OE

[liltreeimp]

Vonmoxie:

This is exactly how I've been feeling lately. I've done well for a decent chunk of time and a recent event changed all of that. I'm even afraid to answer to phone most of the time.

Rationally, I know things will get better again over time as long as I stick with my treatment plan but it's hard to see past the next few minutes/hours at the moment. I did finally get my behind to a meeting but I could barely manage to stay in my seat.

One thing at a time, I suppose. Thanks for posting thais.

[vonmoxie]

Hi liltreeimp! Glad you could find something in my post that spoke to you. It's been so enriching for me, being able to connect with others here who are struggling with some of the same things I have struggled most with, and formerly felt totally alone and weird in. Especially with the effects of PTSD, which despite being my own biggest issue, has been under-diagnosed in my own life and thus under-treated as a result. I didn't understand for the longest time what was stopping me from reacting in ways I had previously, to the same stimuli, and it's remarkably difficult keeping myself in action in the ways that I want and always could before with relative effortlessness. I think some of the difficulty, for me, is that it feels so unnatural to have to accept on an internal level that these changes have occurred, the underlying physiological changes, in order to get to wherever my new starting point is located and is going to have to be. Because my old ones just don't work anymore.

That's where I am at right now.. very much an early stage, for me (despite the fact that I've had to achieve some serious traversing in order to get here), where I'm just trying to get myself to start from where I am, and be okay about it. (And I feel silly writing that.. sounds so simple! )

Welcome to the community!

[JaneC]

I do understand what you are getting at vonmoxie. I too have felt bad often, and still do for not being able to be a more supportive voice to others, and for asking for a lot of support. That is something that is so unfamiliar to me, asking for support, but it is also great that we can come here and do that. Kind of like practice here what I need to do irl.

I can also empathise with you over the loss of previously held abilities, that with PTSD have flown the coop, and finding ourselves beginning again from a whole new place. This is not easy. I'm trying to accept where I am and begin to move forward from there. An easy concept to write about, quite the opposite in practise.

vonmoxie, it is great to have you in the community, like all here, you have so much to offer that we could all learn and grow from.

[hoping2smile]

I really can relate to your original post. I also went through a lot of tough crap, battled with depression and anxiety but for the most part stayed incredibly strong, vibrant, and productive. Then, at age 48, i am faced with a trauma that wasn't violent or particularly horrific, but it did change the way I viewed the world and people. I went from stepping around the negative people to getting sabotaged by them. Now I am dealing with PTSD, which I had many signs of for over a year but everyone kept saying "you are just depressed, it will get better,". Now that I know what is going on, I feel like I am at least on the right path.

I sleep about 3.5 hours a night, have horrific nightmares, am basically agoraphobic, don't have an appetite, can't really taste food, stopped being able to process reading, bad headaches, lost vocabulary/speech processing functions, little short term memory, and had nooo energy.

I have now been in therapy & EMDR for four months. I have given up driving, newspapers, most TV, and most friends from my old workplace (some who I love dearly but they are triggers). I have added yoga (which I LOVE!), mindful meditation, gardening, and walking. I am on 5 different medications and feel like a test tube.

This group is great, but all of us with PTSD understand that our energy, thoughts, and willingness to reach out changes like waves as we work on healing. PTSD sucks- it isn't linear, and you often can't just deal with the **** that brought you to the edge, because unfortunately all that other crap that you thought you dealt with and learned from may have just been hanging out for the time when your brain said "no F'in way- this is the last straw and I am not doing it anymore!!! I'm just gonna shut this party down so that we can get real".

The recovery is incredibly hard and confusing. But I have to believe that it will get better. I believe that I will be more than a strong survivor, more authentic, and have a real sense of inner peace that as a victim of csa, I guess I have never known. Hey- I just learned how to breathe deeply past my collarbone!

I hope that no one in this group finds them feeling guilty or stressed about this group. This should be one of our safe places to ask questions, vent, and extend advice when we feel up to it. I believe the common goal of recovery and finding happiness is the intention of everyone here. (If not, please don't let the door hit you on the way out).

Take Care- no judgements, no guilt.

Sorry, this rant was sooo long- thanks for reading.

[Open Eyes]

Welcome to the PTSD forum (((hoping2smile))). I am sorry you are struggling so much right now, I have been in that stage myself so do whatever you need to self care right now.

Please, no appologies needed, say whatever you need to say, however long. It's actually good for your brain to do that as "yes" often words can come out all messed up so it's good for you to write out your thoughts. You actually did really well with that.

Come and share as you need or can.

(((Welcoming Hugs)))
OE

[nurse8019]

Sorry to eavesdrop, but I have to say that this exchange has lifted me out of 'the hole' more than I could possibly explain, and I really appreciate all of you(thanks for being here!!! ︎)

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