[phoenix7]

So after 10 years i decided that it's enough and i have to try and manage without anti depressents - eased off them this time - the quit now thing really doesnt work lol so went to dr and got how to get off them ...thats done

I remember now one of the reasons i went on them - the mind numbing depression and the anger - depression was still getting through even on the meds so hey ho thought lets give up on them

But this anger...... I am like an explosive device - never know what will trigger me or set me off and I go from 0 to 10,000 in a 12th of a second - and i am even swearing ...hangs my head in shame ..at work ...damn!

I am physically sick at the moment too whcih doesnt help - damn diabeties grrrrr - my own fault though so ...you get what you deserve lol

just venting ....wondering how long it will take my boss who hates me to catch on and fire me .....

when she first came on the scene she asked me to be her eyes and ears on the ward and I said i wouldnt spy for her - things went down hill after that lol

while she has been on a project i have had lots fo weekend shifts - now she is back I have one this month ......not good for my finances

oh and i got another credit card to transfer the balance over on interest free terms but spent on it so now im even more screwed

I knew what i was doing...but its like i step out for a while and then damn! why did i do that....

couple that with losing thigns all the time - my car keys - shoes - uniform - i keep putting them in unusual places .....and i dont remember -

life is fun isnt it

thank you for letting me vent

I saw a kitty at the pet shop today ......made me cry ...still miss my Cisco the wondercat ....oh well poo happens lol

[Fuzzybear]

Grrrrrrr at all the poo in life especially at that "boss person" GRRRRRRR



((((( Phoenix and Cisco )))))

(PS check your messages )

[phoenix7]

been freaked out all evenign now i find out my brother is back in hospital - wonder if that was it...

[Open Eyes]

(((phoenix))), sorry to hear you are struggling so much right now and are extra sensitive as well. I can totally relate to the anger that pops up, have been challenged with that myself.

I know for myself most of my challenge has to do with boundaries. I am either angry at others when they invade and disrespect my boundaries, or, I am angry with myself because of how I get triggered whenever my boundaries are disrespected and it must mean I somehow failed to communicate better on some level. I also tend to get angry because I am so sensitive, even when I don't want to be that way.

I can understand why you did not want to be some kind of spy for this boss too. I think it is reasonable as when someone is a spy/watchdog, they are allowing themselves to be put in the middle and that is not good for anyone struggling with any kind of boundary issues that notoriously are very much a part of PTSD. That is something that is very hard to explain to others, especially when it is better not to have others know about the PTSD because, as I have found, people see that as a weakness and notoriously use that as an excuse if they need to for "themselves".

The only thing one can do in a situation as you have described is to respond with, "well, if I happen to notice some things that are being missed that if done could improve the overall effectiveness of whatever the service happens to be, I will be happy to point that out, however, I do not want to finger others and position myself in the middle of a problem.

Often when someone takes over in a management position, they try to figure out where the difficult areas are in an environment of workers or whatever is involved with what they are managing. Their goal is to improve and make things more efficient.

I work at understanding where my boundary weaknesses are, and literally one day at a time. I don't get as angry as I used to, however, I still have my moments and each time I do my best to stop and think about what the challenge is, and make sure I don't self punish, but instead just find my way to identifying the problem and slowly working through it and I do that literally "one day at a time".

[phoenix7]

I told my boss at the time i would let her know if anything needed fixing on the ward - of any type - but would not spy -

she says i am oversensitive because i was attacked - dammit ive been attacked hundreds of times at work its part of the job - patients are confused I dont bear a grudge - but i do try and plan for what triggers them and then i am told i should just "trust" her (falls about laughing) this is the person who let a patient assault ....sighs.....takes a breath ..the past is dead long live the past.....

I get angry because people trewat the patients that cant talk like they are not there - I dont - i get angry cos they talk over and about them as if they are not there...

I had a patient once say that his first memory was coming in on a stretcher and me saying we are gonna help you gt better - he was "non-responsive" at the time - this is why i always have and always will talk to the patient as if they are "there" and it makes me mad when others dont or if they rush - ...

there i go again.....

ohh self punish ...you got that one right - i punish myself for getting angry then punish myself for punishing myself lol

and i dont think i will ever forgive myself for putting my cat down - there should have been somthing someone could do and i should have found it - and i didnt - he suffered with me cos of my PTSD - didnt get as much klove as he should ahve - i cant fix that and its tearing me a[part

my meory is crap and i know that is a sign i am near my breaking point....trying to chill- doing better today - and then someone said somthing and i went off like a time bomb....

and yes i say to myself well i must have not been clear when i said - Dont ...

otherwise why would they ignore me and treat me like i dont exist...maybe i dont...

Phoenix, you are not alone (((hugs)))

[Open Eyes]

((Phoenix)),

I am sorry you have been so sensitive lately, you have a good heart and often a good heart suffers. But, you are important to those who are struggling with illness and are afraid, it's important that you are caring and reassuring to them. I know what you mean by nurses and health professionals that are cold as I have experienced that myself too many times.

However, health care professionals have been under a great deal of stress and pressure and a lot of that is because of how health insurance companies are being so cold, controlling and insensitive so any mistake is something that is penalized by much higher rates. There is also a Political Correctness with language used Insurance Companies demand for protection, no appologies or any language that claims any responsibility whatsoever. Each and every patient is no longer seen as a patient but a liability. In order to practice any kind of medicine one has to be insured, so insurance companies have a lot of power to set the price of being insured very high.

So, it isn't just you that has been affected, this has been growing and developing for several years now.

As far as your cat is concerned, do not self blame for not doing enough, I am sure you loved your cat very much and took better care of that cat then most humans get. You did your best to give him love and a quality life. Animals get ill, they have health issues that crop up before we can know they are struggling, it's not our fault. I had to deal with a lot of guilt when so many of my ponies and horses suffered so much damage because of my neighbor's dog and I could not afford to do the vet care I wanted to do for them, I was simply overwhelmed and in my situation that was used against me which made the entire scenario even worse. I have been treated as though I had no right to value what I had, or to be so upset so much so that I had a post traumatic breakdown.

When I was so bad because my appendix ruptured and leaked toxins into my body cavity to where I was close to dying I was yelled at by the EMT, as I lay on the table being ready for surgery the last thing I remember was how angry the nurse was because she could not find my urethra. I had surgery for my achilee's tedon just 10 days prior so when I was finally at a point where I had to get up and go to the restroom I had to have a protective boot put on to protect my tendon and the nurses acted like I was such an imposition on them when they had to put that on for me.

Yes, I know all about how cold health care workers can be, very bad.

[Fightharder]

Don't let you boss use you, the managers who use their positions to take advantage of others are very insecure people when they left the office. The only thing they have is power that they will lose when they back to home
Angry is a natural emotion, but when we are angry we lose time and energy. One person asked me one day if I preferred be right or be peaceful, I mean, if I prefer have the reason on my side or be calm. Definitely let it go the point if you are right or wrong is a huge step toward your own peace
Those who struggle and suffer is because the things they are doing don't make them feel good with their selves. I read that as well, is not of my own thoughts. I'm just sharing things that have helped me a little to be more on peace with myself and don't suffer in vain
Love

[phoenix7]

i dont have many words at the moment - am sick..thank you and open eyes im sorry the health workers were mean to you ......

i cant think to reply properly - so i will come back another time - take care one and all..

P7

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( Phoenix )))))))))