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#1
Feb 27, 2016, 12:13 PM
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My T says i could have PTSD from the abuse i endured when i was 11-22 and that was not dealt with. im 34 now. does it sound possible? i have violent flashes/visions and i think the only way out of this endless suffering is death. i want to die
Last edited by bluekoi; Mar 02, 2016 at 09:19 PM. Reason: Add trigger icon. |
 Alone & confused, Open Eyes, Out There
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#2
Feb 27, 2016, 12:38 PM
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 nurse8019, sinking
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#3
Feb 27, 2016, 12:58 PM
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Anyway, yes at 34, it's absolutely possible that you are struggling with issues related to abuse you suffered earlier in life. I enjoy reading about, & watching TV programs about current brain research. And one thing that keeps coming up is that much more of who we are & what we do is controlled by areas of our brains to which we have no conscious access than we would typically imagine. So, even if consciously you don't think your prior abuse still haunts you, there may be non-conscious areas of your brain that are still struggling with it. I struggle with allot of suicidal ideation too. So I understand what this is like. I hope you can find a way to overcome yours. 
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| Lanadelle, sinking
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#4
Feb 27, 2016, 02:13 PM
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((sinking)),
When someone is struggling with PTSD and "wants to die", what they really want is to free themselves up from the fear and sensitivity and pain they are experiencing. I can understand where you are right now as I have experienced it myself, what really helped me was understanding that having these feelings of wanting to end came in waves and I had to learn how to be patient with them as they do go away. I too had gotten to a point where things I had experienced in the past were coming forward and I genuinely did not understand it. What is important to understand about this however is that it's time for you to sort through these things that are coming forward, and when you begin to "consciously" acknowledge that they did happen, you will slowly begin to realize the severity of these flashbacks disipate. When traumatic situations take place the brain is not capable of sorting through it all on a conscious level with that part of our brain. When things happen we rely on our basic instints to survive whatever it may be. We have to be that way in order to survive, and our brain learns how to "store" traumas until we are at a point where we are safe enough to think about what had happened and learn from whatever it was so we have better ways of responding. The main thing that will help you is learning how to be very patient, that while it can be overwhelming where you are now, you can gain on it and get so you manage it to where you are not so overwhelmed you will have these "I want do just die" feelings come forward. With the right therapy and time to sort through this challenging history you can gain and grow a lot. You are ruined, you just need time to sort through and heal. (((Caring Supportive Hugs))) OE |
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#5
Feb 27, 2016, 06:54 PM
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Oh, I just want to make a correction, I meant to say you are NOT ruined, you are hurt and you need time to finally heal.
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#6
Feb 28, 2016, 05:15 AM
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Alone & confused: sorry for what you underwent too. i know you're right but i cant survive this. i dont want to. i dont want to live. and i dont see as either of us winning or losing. it just happened and i dont feel anger or blame for him.
Skeezyks: im sorry for what you had to endure too and you're still suffering for it. you're right about the unconscious level of the damages. its just hard to accept it. let it go Open Eyes: hugs to you. but when i say i want to die its not for the present pain coming from the abuse but for the future pain that has nothing to do with it. i hate life. i dont want to bury my parents, i dont want to see others moving on with their lives while im still stuck here crying every day because i cant take it anymore. the past abuse schemas have remained, but the pain is for the present and especially the future. but maybe first i have to deal with the past? i dont know im so confused. i just want to die. i have lost my patient. i wanna do it now. stop thinking, stop feeling. thanks everyone for responding |
| Open Eyes
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#7
Feb 28, 2016, 07:51 AM
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__________________
 Lanadelle
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#8
Feb 28, 2016, 07:57 AM
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__________________
Lanadelle
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#9
Feb 28, 2016, 12:07 PM
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I know just what you mean, you did a good job of describing it too. A lot of individuals are challenged the way you have just described struggling, myself included. When someone develops PTSD, they become very, very sensitive. With that sensitivity comes a lot of fear, frustration, and anger and yet moments of profound sadness too. It's very hard to explain it to others, there is a strong desire to find some way of articulating it though. When someone struggling does make an attempt to articulate it, the last thing they need to have happen is the response of "just deal or don't allow". The other way others respond that IMHO is cruel is "don't get so emotional". One of the sessions I had with my therapist who really understood "trauma and PTSD and trauma work", was when I was trying to tell him some history and he could see me getting emotional at the same time but also running away from the emotions while I was talking and telling him things. He was very gentle and asked me to stop talking when I was crying and to just sit with that emotion and allow myself to recognize that I was crying. That is when I began to really feel "safe" with this therapist because HE LET ME FEEL MY EMOTIONS. I had not realized that part of the abuse I suffered in the trauma was being consistently told STOP FEELING BECAUSE IT'S WRONG. Your using the word "Shattered" is a great word to describe how someone with PTSD really feels. YES, they are emotionally "shattered". It is no wonder the desire to escape this challenge becomes so great, it is no wonder the desire to want to avoid anything in the future that can be emotionally challenging can also be so great too. Often when a person is abused or neglected or judged for whatever is not perfect or meeting up to some kind of expectation what is threatened is allowing the "child, young adult, family member, friend, spouse, worker, human being" to have their own identity. Often, the worst offenders are the very people, family and parents that are supposed to actually help us develop our own sense of "self" and be ok with who we really are as a human being, are the ones who deny us the most. Abusers are individuals that try to control others and steal from these others having emotions and a healthy sense of self because Abusers themselves feel the only way they can feel "in control" is by taking from others around them to where these others feel confused and powerless. Abusers also tend to set standards for others around them to make up for whatever they themselves "lack". The problem with abusers is most of the time they don't even know they are abusers. These individuals "avoid" emotions too and without realizing it, they begin to develop ways to "avoid" their own emotions as they begin to believe feeling emotions is a "weakness". You ask, "but maybe I have to deal with the past?". The answer is "yes", and it's not about reinjuring yourself, it's not about whatever you did not do to better defend yourself, it's not about whatever you did not know or understand when you were hurt either. You need to finally "grieve" whatever is in your past, get permission to do so, and understand that you were often hurt, not because you were bad or deserved it, but because you were exposed to things you simply did not know how to react to. It is understandable that you see a future right now that you feel would be too painful. When someone is struggling with PTSD, they are "very hurt" and as you have said, feel shattered. What most do is try to "avoid and detach" and even "distract and disassociate" from because they are already hurt and they know they can really struggle and that it can often be debilitating. The healing process is most definitely a challenge, I can say to you that I am still slowing working on it myself. However, I have learned that when something triggers me to be patient with whatever it might be because sometimes I get triggered and I don't know "why". The healing is in "slowly" identifying, consciously saying "yes that hurt or hurts me" and then slowly working your way towards moving forward even though you have been hurt. What does slowly develop in the healing is when you begin to realize that you can go forward and manage better then you thought you could. It's a personal healing that is worked on with a therapist who understands you have been hurt, allows you to be afraid, feel, and question and finally "FIND SELF" and be ok WITH SELF. When a person is healing and learning that its ok to have emotions, one of the things they slowly heal from are all the individuals they have come across that failed them when it came to helping them learn to just be "themselves and that it's really ok to do just that". That is what is "shattered" and that is why it's so lonely, and you are not alone with struggling like this either. I have been accepting that I struggle, I have dealt with so many triggers, I have been dismissed and hurt now so many times I have lost count. I know I am sensitive and what I do is focus on taking it "one day at a time" and if I have a bad day, well, I have a bad day and allow myself to do whatever "I" need to get through it. I have slowly been becoming aware of the things that hurt me, of the lack of qualities in others that have hurt me, but to also look "behind their lacks" too so I can see the whys that I had not understood before. Truth is, there are lots of human beings that have struggled and to the point where they stood still in time and sat and wrote it down. It has been these people that have often helped so many to better understand this thing called life, and how to just be human with a better understanding of how it is "ok" to be human while so many others tend to run from it, often unknowingly. OE |
| sinking
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#10
Feb 28, 2016, 01:44 PM
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Thank you Lanadelle. yes, another day achieved. but i dont feel a survivor. i feel a pathetic human being.
Open Eyes: thank you for all the infos you gave me, they were really helpful. i couldnt stop thinking "you're right". im trying to grow up from where it was interrupted. i have cried in presence of my T only after 8 years of therapy. im crying a lot these days and wish i could end my life because it seems unbearable. and i agree in your definition of shattered. thats how i feel. not integrated my T would say. thank for the time and the patience to write it all down. it is very helpful to me. |
| Open Eyes
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#11
Feb 28, 2016, 03:46 PM
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Oh ((sinking)), I have most definitely experienced those crying days that you have been having. Honestly, it takes however long it takes to heal, and I know just what you mean by fearing it can get unbearable. It's so important that you be able to say that though, that IMHO is an important step to healing even though it doesn't feel like it is. I think this is what takes place "before" one finally gets to a place where they can begin integrating.
It's a lot of work to heal when struggling with PTSD, it's just so nice when someone else validates that and offers support for how well you have done so far with it. I know all too well that fear of "unbearable". Ironically, it is often that very same fear that individuals who abuse unknowingly fear as well. The important thing to keep in mind though sinker, is that there never was such a thing as "perfect". That has always been one of the things that has challenged human being the most. |
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