[sriracha]

Basically, it's been a couple of years now that I've had PTSD, and I haven't really gotten better (not that you ever "get better" but improved I mean), even with counseling, reading books on the subject, meditating, journaling and talking to people. I've gotten better at functional stuff like working and school, or trying to eat/sleep/rest, etc. but not emotionally. Part of it is how right before my assault happened, I made a plan to go to a specific school where I could start studying for the career I wanted (anti-violence work), but that feels like it's been taken from me because I can't handle it emotionally and get triggered every time I try to work on stuff. I'm so angry I have to let go of something that I felt was calling me and would help others. Obviously if I'm not ok then I can't really contribute. I get told all kinds of things, by everyone from friends to therapists I've had who are trying to help, like "visualize what it would look like for you to be happy and successful again" or "fake it till you make it." Their point was that you'll be what you set your mind to, and as long as you believe in your recovery, you can help it materialize. But see, I can't visualize it or believe because I have no idea what I'm looking for/at. Some have even tried to get me to look for spirituality (which I am not interested in at all).

There were things I thought I worked through (having been in therapy the better part of 2 years), but much of it came back later unresolved to bite me in the ***. I literally cannot remember what it's like to feel happy, safe and not angry at the world/the person/myself, have normal relationships, and most importantly have any shred of hope or faith that the work I do on myself will have any effect and get me to where I want to be. Think of it like trying to imagine a color no one has ever seen before. Nothing I've done (and I've done a lot) has worked, I'm even in therapy now. I wondered how other people with trauma have dealt with feeling lost, hopeless or blind towards their future?

[phoenix7]

quote " I've gotten better at functional stuff like working and school, or trying to eat/sleep/rest, etc." see you have made progress.

it is so hard at that point - when you cant see any light - but you HAVE made progress and you will keep making it - it may be one step forward two back at times but and its a big but and it involves that word i have come to hate - TIME - time and keeping at it does help

my life has been like a roller coaster without the highs since i was attacked - you ge to the dizzying scary height but dont get the relief of the ride stopping - but the road or the track does ease up at times - give you time to breathe - thats all you need - a moment to breathe without everythign coming at you

PTSD does change you in my opinion but you can fight back - I have struggled and still struggle to not let that man win - i am still a nurse i the same hospital - the othersthere that day have all left - I guess i am stubborn..emm persistant ;-)

if you want to work in anti violence there are many many fields in which to work that may be suitable in the long term for you - your experience may even be helpful - I always had a good instinct for violence from childhood but PTSD makes you even more alert to signals - a curse and a blessing at the same time

at my worst times i live second to second I remember my T saying you can get through a second cant you? and i said yes and then he said well then a minute an hour a day a week and so on - I keep going one foot in front of the other until I can find my path again

its swings and roundabouts - back and forth and you ARE strong enough to do this - you made it this far you can get through this

things keep coming back till you resolve them - if i get triggered i look for the cause - try to resolve it or disarm it - ground myself ..I had my cat to cuddle when times were their worst...now i have a teddy bear ....maybe one day another cat...dunno.. I miss him... but thats a tale for another day lol
the best book i ever read - oh and ive read hundreds online and from the library - was THE PTSD Sourcebook - gave me lots of ah ha! moments - and thats why i do that....

I wish you well on your journey and we are all here to listen if you need to rant or offer a hand if you need a lift up

you can do this

P7

[Open Eyes]

When I would struggle like you are describing my therapist would make sure to point out how far I had come.

It is very common that individuals who struggle with PTSD have a hard time planning a future. If what you had planned is not something you can handle emotionally, then try to find something you "can" do that doesn't pull you down so much or challenge you emotionally.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

When I would struggle like you are describing my therapist would make sure to point out how far I had come.

It is very common that individuals who struggle with PTSD have a hard time planning a future. If what you had planned is not something you can handle emotionally, then try to find something you "can" do that doesn't pull you down so much or challenge you emotionally.

very good idea - small steps

[MtnTime2896]

I'm going through the same steps right now, so I don't know what advice I can give you. I can tell you that there has to be a way to improve the state of living we deal with on a daily basis. I have yet to find it but it has to be out there.
I'll keep searching if you will.
As soon as I find it, I'll let you know.
Good luck.

[Bolivar83]

I can hear how frustrating this is! It's been 10 years since my "event" that caused PTSD, and it's taken me a while to get to a place where I feel like I can handle things as they come up. There are bound to be some setbacks, but it's a slow process. I think you are doing phenomenally - being able to accomplish the functional stuff like school and work, and self care is tremendous... i found these things most challenging, almost felt like I had to be reintroduced into the world.

Just last week in therapy I was talking about a trigger that set me off, just when I thought I had reached a balanced place. My therapist helped me see that even though I had the trigger, I had more control over my reaction, and I still was able to finish my workday and keep my appt.

I still feel angry about the event, and feel it has permanently altered how i see people and things (more aware of potential dangers, always scan for exits, weapons can use, very cautious, less trustful), but I've had to just accept it and try to find ways to keep engaging with the world in spite of it. To be totally cliche, it's like a tree that's been scarred - the scar never goes away, but the tree still grows around it, integrates it. I feel such a cultural expectation for me to simply cut off the trauma/bad feelings/events like a dead limb and move on. As though I could just amputate the experience and feelings, "quit dwelling on the past", "quit letting it define you", and "stop being negative."

blah blah blah..... the main point is, yeah it sucks, yes it might come out of left field and surprise you, and while it may soften it might not entirely go away. But you are doing all the hard work, and I think this evidences a belief in something better for your future that you might not have verbalized but have been creating nevertheless.

Take care!

[Ceara1010]

Originally Posted by sriracha

There were things I thought I worked through (having been in therapy the better part of 2 years), but much of it came back later unresolved to bite me in the ***. I literally cannot remember what it's like to feel happy, safe and not angry at the world/the person/myself, have normal relationships, and most importantly have any shred of hope or faith that the work I do on myself will have any effect and get me to where I want to be. Think of it like trying to imagine a color no one has ever seen before. Nothing I've done (and I've done a lot) has worked, I'm even in therapy now. I wondered how other people with trauma have dealt with feeling lost, hopeless or blind towards their future?

Hi sriracha, I'm new and relate to how you are feeling. THanks for this post. I'm actually much worse off than you. You at least have a job and are functioning day-to-day. I'm not even at your level yet.

I've been in therapy for several years now with the same psychologist and made zero progress. She told me she did her dissertation on PTSD, which I guess is supposed to mean she is an expert on PTSD. But after spending a few hours here last night reading posts I see that this isn't true at all. I had already decided to find another therapist before I found this forum (my family wants this, too) and I'm even more determined now. But I think I'll hang out here awhile first and learn more. This will arm me with information that will help me to better assess if the therapist will be able to help me. (I think I'll make a list of questions to ask as I shop around.)

One problem is that I have trouble seeing options for myself. I was hoping I might start to get out in the world again by doing some volunteer work. But everyone wants references nowadays, and since I haven't worked in years, and have been socially isolated for years, too, I don't have any.

I, too, was going to school when PTSD symptoms became so severe I had to drop out. (I was going to graduate school.) My grades dropped so much that it wrecked my transcript so going back won't be an option.

My PTSD probably stems from many traumas over the years, but it really became severe when I found myself the target of a specific type of abuse/violence that began while I was in graduate school and went on for years.

One thing that helped me for a long time was I created an information website on that particular violence I had experienced. I researched the issue, and related issues, wrote articles for the main website and also a blog, published other peoples stories (eventually I published over 100), researched resources, etc. After a year or two, it became the top website on the Internet for that particular issue.

The thing is, creating and managing the site brought purpose to what happened to me. It meant there was a reason for it. And I was able to work on it when I felt up to it. When I didn't feel up to it, I took a break. It was out there for years, until I eventually became to ill to manage it and had to take it down. (I was still a target of the abuse that caused me to create it in the first place.) But I hope to put it back out there again one day when I'm better because nothing else has appeared on the net to take it's place.

You don't have to have computer programming ability to create a website. There is free software that works like a word processor so anyone can do it now. Just take what you have been learning about combating violence and put it out there on the Internet. Publish other peoples stories. Work on it when you can. Take a break when you need to or when you get triggered. You can go entirely at your own pace and you won't have to give up on the work you have been wanting to do. It's a safe way to keep up with your dream, but in such a way that might help you heal enough so that you can eventually go back to working towards combating violence "in the real world," off the internet.

The other things I done in the past was to watch movies I can relate to that have messages of hope, particularly in terms of rebuilding a life after trauma. My favorite to watch was The Shipping News. (I don't have it with me where I am living now--I should go get it.) Also, reading about real life success stories has been helping me hang on.

But building the website was the best thing I've done to help me find a purpose to what has happened to me.

If you decide to do a website, and need anymore information, let me know. I'd be happy to help you get started in any way.

-Ceara1010

[Out There]

I've just watched the movie " The life of Pi " and can recommend that - I will be watching " The Shipping News " now.

[Ceara1010]

Originally Posted by Out There

I've just watched the movie " The life of Pi " and can recommend that - I will be watching " The Shipping News " now.

Yeah. It's a great movie. Was nominated for all kinds of awards. Several characters are recovering from different types of trauma. The final scene really gets to me, too--the last words Keven Spacey's characters says. Very hopeful. Very positive.

I'll check out "The Life of Pi." That's one I've never heard of. Thanks!

[Fuzzybear]

[cinnamonstick]

Originally Posted by Ceara1010

Yeah. It's a great movie. Was nominated for all kinds of awards. Several characters are recovering from different types of trauma. The final scene really gets to me, too--the last words Keven Spacey's characters says. Very hopeful. Very positive.

I'll check out "The Life of Pi." That's one I've never heard of. Thanks!

I absolutely can't watch anything sad, even if there is a happy ending. Are there sad parts (I assume there are)?

[Ceara1010]

Originally Posted by cinnamonstick

I absolutely can't watch anything sad, even if there is a happy ending. Are there sad parts (I assume there are)?

Well, the sad parts are mostly people dealing with past traumas--long past.

Possible trigger:

The main character (played by Kevin Spacey) is devastated with his wife's death, but she was really, really awful so aren't sad when she dies. ;-) But he is also dealing with past child abuse by his father (which is why he ended up with such a horrible wife). And another character is dealing with past sexual abuse, and another with a philandering husband.

The primary theme of the movie is connecting with others and healing. And of course, you can't have healing in a movie without giving characters something to heal from. Right?

So, yeah, this movie might be too triggering for you. But it's a wonderful movie and I hope one day you feel strong enough to watch it.

hugs, Ceara1010

[quietincrowd]

[QUOTE=Ceara1010;5087181]

I, too, was going to school when PTSD symptoms became so severe I had to drop out. (I was going to graduate school.) My grades dropped so much that it wrecked my transcript so going back won't be an option.

My PTSD probably stems from many traumas over the years, but it really became severe when I found myself the target of a specific type of abuse/violence that began while I was in graduate school and went on for years.

I am sorry to hear that about school. I found myself really struggling and school was an outlet for many years. My symptoms have come and gone but have really had an awful impact on work and school. I lost my job last fall and it was explained as "downsizing" but know people there and doubt that is the case. Right now I am facing the fact I will be leaving grad school because I just cannot seem to handle life, school, and symptoms. I am a wreck the past few days, spiraling again and it is so tough.

~q

[Ceara1010]

Originally Posted by quietincrowd

I am sorry to hear that about school. I found myself really struggling and school was an outlet for many years. My symptoms have come and gone but have really had an awful impact on work and school. I lost my job last fall and it was explained as "downsizing" but know people there and doubt that is the case. Right now I am facing the fact I will be leaving grad school because I just cannot seem to handle life, school, and symptoms. I am a wreck the past few days, spiraling again and it is so tough.~q

I'm so sorry quietcrowd about your struggles. I know how it feels to have to give up your future plans.

My sister was downsized years ago. She got another job where she is now seeing other people around her get downsized, people that she says are really good at their jobs. It's very painful for everyone.

--Ceara1010

[Bolivar83]

sriacha - just wondered how things are going? was thinking of you and the others here, all dealing with PTSD crud... is helpful to read the posts.

Take care

Bolivar

[leomama]

First of all I have to say you're wonderfully articulate. Second of all I want to tell you that despite how you are feeling you are still attempting to live a successful life. That says a lot about your character. PTSD is a mental health disability. I've had it for 10 years. It hasn't gone away. Sometimes we have to make radical changes in our life to get better.