[venusss]

Okay, I talked about this a bit on chat and on the bipolar forum, but maybe I can get more perspective here.

.........soooooooooo I am very active in the pro-Ukraine cause. I live in one of the countries of the former Soviet block (now turned a fully westie and European country.... on the paper).

I started getting involved pretty much right after the Crimea annexation and have been following the events since the Euromaidan. Personally have no connection to Ukraine... except the fact, I visited the country before few times. And in 2012 I went to Crimea to "look for good people and reasons to live". And it worked. So... v. v. personal. Anyways, first I went just to protest, stand there with a sign (and be all "yay, a Greenie liked photo of me on FB", which felt as a big achievement then. I can say I am semiclose to few low and high level politicians now, eh), but gradually i became part of network that is continuation of the whole maidan movement. And we do weekly protest gatherings, humanirian aid and stuff. Hey, not everything needs to be said online, right? Just let's say, it's lots of work, almost part-time job, only not paid. (and I don't even want to think about how much I invested in the cause).

The situation in my own country is messy. Our prez is pretty much pro-putinist... and he pretty much hates the intellectual civic society movement (which ranges from left to right... just quite liberal on most of the part. hard to explain. And no need to lecture about politics of the soviet-satellite-turned-regularly-western-country). He and his PR mentioned our organization and some of the people i know closely on TV, in radio talk shows. In "they are enemy of the state" way.

I guess I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I met amazing people, but we argued bitterly at some points, met people who totally disappointed me, had to deal with hate mail, even some threats. It's intense.

So for some time I have been feeling exhausted, I gotten very paranoid, it all feels pointless at times. I heard all sorts of horrible stories from people who been on Kyiv Maidan, in ATO, from the "cyborgs", from people who had to flee.... So I think about death a lot. I talk civil war survival strategies over coffee with my friends. I cannot even have a normal conversation anymore that does not involve hybrid wars, propaganda, etc. etc.

In summer I went to a trip to Ukraine. Travelling the country west to east and back again, experiencing the contrast of pretty little prikarpatian villages and towns, Kyiv (wondrous and tragic, alive and on the edge, with Maidan as big gapping scar right in the center), little eastern European time when the time stopped somewhere in 1970s, politically and economically and brave but tragic Slovjansk (where the pulsing center with side walk caffees and youngs hanging out contrast with the ruins 15 minutes walk away from there. That ****ing haunts me). Met people, heroic but exhausted of the fight, met quite a few true heroes.

Came back as inspired mess, who cannot deal with normal oh-so-western world here. I complain about the hipsters in my own city, argue with people, don't sleep, am more active then ever, think of impending doom (which I use as excuse for unhealthy behaviors. And my friends totally think I am joking with "who cares about how many calories are there in this meal, we are all gonna die soon in upcoming WWIII" or "let's drink to the heroes". Thing is I am not. I gotten too comfortable with the thought of not making it out alive)

Not sure what to do with myself.

I don't want to get into politics. I just wonder how can one handle long term activist commitment that is very intense... and being involved in an issue that is sorta not safe. Any advice (besides "stop doing this, it's effing you up") is appreciated.

[Open Eyes]

For as long as I have known you here at PC you have come across as someone who has a deep desire to be a part of something that creates a positive "change".

It's interesting to hear that you have made it a point to be active with others who also have deep passions to do something to create a positive. What you have learned from what you have described here is that if you are an activist that poses any kind of threat to whatever has been established, it can become disillusioning.

What I also hear in your post is that you have learned a lot too. You have learned more about people, people in different countries. We certainly live in a complex world don't we?

It sounds like you have gotten very emotionally involved with all the unrest taking place in our world and you are very sensitive to what is going on and the instablity is "scarey", and the more one exposes themself to the instability, the more it can cause "stress". When a person begins to entertain assuming the worst, that means it's time to step back and take a time out and think about ways you can reduce the amount of stress you are inviting into your mind and taking on that is overwhelming you. Perhaps you are just not one that can handle long term activist activities. It's OK if you come to that conclusion or you decide where to set more boundaries with it so it doesn't overwhelm you.

Not sure what to do with myself.

Time to step back and re-evaluate until you can find a way to move forward at a pace with something that is not as stressful and as demanding on you.

[venusss]

I have my responsibilities though. I just need to deal with this somewhat, while still doing what needs to be done.

I cannot run. People depend on me, so I need gather some courage, put on my floral headpiece and carry on.

Yes, I may sound fanatical. Maybe I am. What else is there to do in these times?

[splitimage]

venuss,

I've been struggling to respond, because I didn't want to inadvertently insult you.

I think the work you're doing is incredibly important even if it is hard, stressful, and potentially dangerous.

When I was in my 20's in university, I got involved in a number of social justice initiatives, particularly one aimed at helping civilians affected by the civial war in El Salvador. We worked with a group of university students in the capital, and did fundraising, to buy and ship medical supplies and food to them. The medical students had set up clinics to treat the civilian wounded. We finally got a twininng agreement signed between my university and the National University of El Salvador. That really helped university faculty stay safe, because it told the gov't that someone outside El Salvador cared about what happened to them.

I was involved in a bunch of other stuff, but the El Salvador project was my main one.

What I found it did, was change my mindset and made me uncomfortable with people who weren't social activists. It was like I couldn't be bothered with everyday nicities when there was so much evil going on in the world, that had to be dealt with. And I couldn't understand why everyone wasn't as interested in social justice issues as I was.

It was hard, it was emotionally satisfying but disconnecting at the same time.

I'm not saying give up all your Ukrainian focussed activities, they're obviously too important to you. But could you find a way to give yourself a break once in a while from always thinking about it. Take a day or a night off and do something to soothe your soul and make you feel better. I don't know what that would be for you, for me it would be taking my knitting to a fancy coffee shop and having a designer coffee and just sitting around knitting while drinking coffee.

Trust me, the movement isn't going to collapse just because you take a short break to recharge. Remember you're not going to be able to help anyone out if you're burnt out.

Take care of yourself.

splitimage

[venusss]

Splitimage, I don't find your post insulting at all.

Yes, I have problem with "normal" people. It feels so shallow.

But somebody in Ukraine told me, I should value that people live normal lifes, that we are all in this to ensure the normal undisturbed lives of those people. So I am trying to remember it each time I get annoyed.

I am trying to have a me time, but the problem is, I just don't find some things so enjoyable (not all, just some).

I've seen quite a few people burn out and crash and it was scary. I don't want to end up like that.

[Open Eyes]

Yes, I have problem with "normal" people. It feels so shallow.

Being an activist as you have described can fill someone with adreneline and cortizol and a very strong sense of urgency and desire and even anger to get others motivated. The way you describe yourself feeling? Well, a lot of people don't have the mental strength or energy to get involved with a movement, and they can be afraid and also don't feel they can do anything about it or are only capable of just going along with their lives making efforts to ignore the challenges going on around them. Often the mindset is "someone else will do it, address it". That is what can happen in societies and human history shows that. It could be something that happens in human nature that has something to do with human survival.

splitimage is right, you are no good to the cause if you get burned out, and if activism is not getting any "true" results, the activists do get burn out.

[venusss]

Fortunatelly we do get results somewhat.

(and seriously, "I am a volunteer" seems as magical password in Ukraine. Gotten discounts and freebies for that. Even got to enter cool places with that.

which is not why I am doing it. Mere sincere "thank you" is enough.

In a way sometimes it's easy to do the right thing. Moral support is powerful enough for many. And doing the little thing, if many do it, can do a lot.

Which is why I have a hope for Ukraine. Country with such self-sacrifizing people, who do the right thing and take things in their own hands... they need to make it.

Country whose passport I carry on the other hands? I am so close to giving up here. Like, you can whine and be scared that a kebab place will destroy our entire culture. You can cry over what happened in 1620 and blame our current failures for it.

That is why at one point I stopped to throwing myself at every single protest and happening and being everywhere... because I cannot do that. I have only so much strenght. I am wise enough to know that.

May not be wise for throwing myself into a single issue like this though. I better have a truck of Roshen chocolate delivered when this is over. Or I will have to give myself some big retreat...

[Atypical_Disaster]

I'm an activist also. I know what it's like to be deeply committed to a cause/issue, and I certainly understand being actively involved in an issue that is not exactly "safe" as well. I don't have PTSD from my activism, but I have suffered other adverse mental health effects... I'm schizophrenic, and I have to be so careful that the natural paranoia I feel being involved in this stuff doesn't turn into full blown psychosis.

I had to take time off for several years because my mind snapped from the stress of it, and I fell into a psychotic episode that resulted in a huge personal mess. I'm glad this happened in a way though. Why? Because now I know my limits. I know now when I need to take some sort of break, back off a bit, and so on.

Really, as a general rule, for me personally if I've gotten to the point of feeling constantly paranoid, exhausted, and unable to have a "normal" conversation... odds are it's time for me to step back.

I've also had to prioritize, because as you said so well I only have so much strength/energy. I had to stop throwing myself at every single thing that's wrong and desperately needs fixing. I am only one person, and really, for me accepting that I'm only one person helped ease some of the pressure I've felt in the past.

[venusss]

It is strange I can get encounters that are positively great and encouraging and inspiring can still make you exhausted. I noticed it for some time... going out and putting myself out there make me tired. Like really, really tired. I come home and I am exhausted.

So right now I had a really empowering meeting. I got to be appreciated for once, included among the greatest. But right now my head hurts and I tired.

[Open Eyes]

Would you say that your anxiety levels go up when you are active?

There are two kinds of tired, anxiety that pumps you with cortizol. Or, adreneline and even some experience both which would most definitely cause someone to very tired.

[venusss]

Definitelly not anxiety. When out there I enjoy it and I sometimes I have my natural fear levels go down. I become more spontangeous.

[eskielover]

When we have a passion for a specific involvement that we feel is the absolute right thing to do, sometimes we just jave to accept the dangers & everything that is involved.

It's not like you are spreading yourself thin over many DIFFERENT activists programs but are focused on the one that is meaningful to you. If you totally feel a true passion for what you are involved in, it's normal to live that passion in all of your life & it does become the defining aspect of ones life. Also so do the dangers that are part of it one just ends up accepting as part of it also

If you have times when you can distance yourself or find a totally unrelated fun activity to be involved in that can help give relief.

My activist activity has absolutely NO danger involved unless getting kicked by a stallion is considered dangerous...caring for abused animals & trying to get the laws changed to protect them & to make tougher prosecution possible. The care is short term but intense trying to keep them alive & I totally live the involvement but I also have an advanced ballroom dance class that I go to & it gives me a mental & physical break from the intensity of that involvement. Sort of like a mini retreat where I can focus on something completely different & relaxing.

I have found that an involvement with the arts or sports of any kind is a good escape from the intensity of a highly activist activity giving brain & body a short rest.

[venusss]

Things I learned today:

1. "Speak louder" when speaking in public does not mean shouting like a little fanatics. Also, I hate to speak to crowd. I can deal with few people... but not with the whole square.

2. My friends are even crazier than me. And apparently, lots of people are. Some are determined to party like it's 1999 and recommend I do that too.

Hard to explain I used to have this bad anxiety and it sometimes come back. I need to learn grounding techniques and stay fed and hydrated or I will look like 19th century heroine of pathetic novels (aka passing out in public or being... visibly not okay).

3. I am a horrible cynical ***** that is happy over deaths of people. Even if they have been horrible horrible people and their deaths my solve thing or two.

Not sure how likeable this all makes me.

I'm also from Eastern Europe originally, although I live in England. FWIW my advice would be to make friends with someone in a big organisation like MSF or the Red Cross, and talk to their volunteer support. This is a common problem for people who work in war zones, and they can't adjust to "normal" life. Most big charities have support systems for this.

And BTW, my 84 year old mother sometimes still gets flashbacks. Not bad ones, not often, but she still remembers. Some things never leave you.

If you like reading the psychology literature, there are a lot of good books written about this.

[venusss]

If you like reading the psychology literature, there are a lot of good books written about this.

do you have some tips? please?

Aftershock: Confronting Trauma in a Violent World: A Guide for Activists and Their Allies (Flashpoint) Paperback – 31 Jan 2007
by Pattrice Jones (Author)

[venusss]

Thank you much, will hunt for it

[venusss]

Well, things happened, bad and good.

Lately I feel I cannot speak up my mind fully, because it would get me and others in trouble. Of course, I can rant to my fellow... well, people, but I am bit afraid of upcoming big events... that I will not be able to keep my proper and sweet imagine.