Feel like I've taken a step backwards

Five months after therapy ended, I still find myself dwelling quite a lot on what happened at the primary school. If I'm just thinking about it for no apparant reason, it doesn't really bother me, but if it's because something's reminded me of it - an article online, for example - then it still makes me feel scared/upset/angry, and I still don't know why! My therapist, and people here, have told me that it's ok to still be affected by it, and I appreciate that, but I don't understand how it can affect me now when it didn't at the time. I don't remember feeling anything when I saw those ambulances, the only emotion I remember from the day is feeling happy because it meant I got the day off school! I don't remember if I even realised what was going on.

I've had people telling me that it must have been horrible being there, but I don't see how it can have been so bad for me - I just saw the tail end of it! It must have been so much worse for the people who were actually there, in the room. But if it wasn't so bad, then why do I still get affected by reminders of it? I don't get it...

I know I should be past thinking like this by now, I thought I'd worked through it in therapy. Guess not.

Rio you said,
'I've had people telling me that it must have been horrible being there, but I don't see how it can have been so bad for me - I just saw the tail end of it! It must have been so much worse for the people who were actually there, in the room. But if it wasn't so bad, then why do I still get affected by reminders of it? I don't get it...'

Trauma in children does not get processed properly. Dismissing what actually happened and denying how bad it was for you, thrown in with survivor guilt are all things that need to be dealt with.

I think it would be a good idea to seek some more therapy. You can go to your GP and he will refer you to a counsellor or therapist.

Take care.

(((((( Rio )))))))

During a crisis, we often shut off emotions and don't feel them. At the time, it helps us to get through the crisis. Later, though, you still have to work through and feel those emotions, and it can seem like it just comes out of the blue. It wasn't that it didn't bother you back then. It probably bothered you more than you could handle, so you turned it off. And now that you are safe, it comes back in small enough chunks to be processed. It's normal for that to happen, but if it is causing you a lot of distress, more therapy can help you. I'm not sure how much you dealt with this issue in your therapy, and you might need to work on your trauma more directly.

Thanks for replying, Pegasus. I guess that's true. I honestly can't remember feeling at all scared at the time, though!

I've been thinking the same, but unfortunately it'll have to wait - the place I had therapy at first has closed down (not that I'd want to go back to him, anyway ), and I'm away to university in a couple of weeks. The university does offer counselling, but it's a maximum of ten sessions and it's only "where no alternative resource exists". If things get bad enough that they start interfering with work, though, then I guess they might take me. Hopefully my parents wouldn't have to find out if I did go there.

((((Rapunzel)))) Thanks. That's true...is it possible to shut off all emotions except happiness? I definitely remember feeling happy when dad came to pick me up.

I wouldn't say it's causing me a lot of distress - it's not interfering with my ability to function - but it does affect my emotions more than I'd like. We had a few sessions of EMDR in therapy, but that's about all, I think.

Sometimes for me, when I'm scared about other, current things, I revert to thinking about things in the past. They're "safe" to think about because they are already over and can't hurt me anymore. Too, sometimes when we look back over our childhood we think we were "supposed" to feel bad about something because other people would have so we unconsciously feel bad that maybe we didn't feel badly about it at the time? I had a heck of a time in therapy for 25+ years thinking I should feel a certain way about my mother's death when I was 3 but I just don't. I was sheltered and taken care of well, etc. and don't remember her or anything "traumatic" and that boggles my mind that I am not upset in a particular way. That doesn't mean it didn't affect me, but the effect was "different" and it is my job to look for that effect (such as you worrying now about why you're thinking about it now, so much later when it wasn't "much" at the time) that is unique to "me" and work with that. Something obviously affected you that day, you just don't know what/how. I still needed a mother and when I got my stepmother I "merged" the two mothers together only my stepmother was not my mother! For a really long time in therapy I did not have a "name" for my real mother, and could not refer to my stepmother as my stepmother! You may have done something with your memory/the experience of that day and woven it into you life in some way that ultimately does not help you but which is a "new" trauma/problem you need to work through like I had to separate my mothers. It wasn't my mother's death that affected me but her "absence" when I needed a mother and my reaction to my stepmother and her presence and how she didn't "fit" right but I "made" her fit.

Don't spend time feel badly about yourself Rio! There's nothing wrong with you, your psyche is doing its job and helping you. You are always on your side and what you do/think/feel/experience is always "yours" and "good". Treat it like a good mystery or the thread from the yarn going into the dark cave :-) and work with that when you get a chance. You don't have to solve it all right now (I was in therapy basically from 1970-2005) and there's nothing bad/wrong with you for any way you feel or don't feel!

Maybe start with trying to see when these "thoughts" of the previous experience/memory come to you; what are you "doing"/thinking right before in the "real"/now world? That will be a clue as to why you're trying to "dwell" back there. Work and uni and all those things are new, scary experiences for everybody! You made it safely past the old experience of being a child and the counseling, etc. Maybe it will be interesting to see how you feel a month, then six months, a year, etc. into uni; right before you graduate? :-) and when dwelling on the old thoughts come up. It could be that "simple", the childhood experience could be a "talisman" of sorts.

Thanks for replying, Perna.

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Too, sometimes when we look back over our childhood we think we were "supposed" to feel bad about something because other people would have so we unconsciously feel bad that maybe we didn't feel badly about it at the time?

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That could well be it. I've seen a wide range of reactions to the event, from people feeling sorry for me to witnessing teachers at the primary school telling off a couple of kids in my year for getting upset about it - apparently, if the year below was fine then they should have been as well. So it's been pretty confusing as to how I "should" react to it.

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Too, sometimes when we look back over our childhood we think we were "supposed" to feel bad about something because other people would have so we unconsciously feel bad that maybe we didn't feel badly about it at the time?

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Nope, I don't have a clue. When I was doing EMDR my therapist said at one of the sessions he thought I might be blocking something, but we never found out if he was right, or what it was if he was.

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Don't spend time feel badly about yourself Rio! There's nothing wrong with you, your psyche is doing its job and helping you. You are always on your side and what you do/think/feel/experience is always "yours" and "good". Treat it like a good mystery or the thread from the yarn going into the dark cave :-) and work with that when you get a chance. You don't have to solve it all right now (I was in therapy basically from 1970-2005) and there's nothing bad/wrong with you for any way you feel or don't feel!

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Thanks, that's good to know! That's an interesting way of looking at it. Thanks.

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Maybe start with trying to see when these "thoughts" of the previous experience/memory come to you; what are you "doing"/thinking right before in the "real"/now world? That will be a clue as to why you're trying to "dwell" back there. Work and uni and all those things are new, scary experiences for everybody! You made it safely past the old experience of being a child and the counseling, etc. Maybe it will be interesting to see how you feel a month, then six months, a year, etc. into uni; right before you graduate? :-) and when dwelling on the old thoughts come up. It could be that "simple", the childhood experience could be a "talisman" of sorts.

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Good question! Sometimes they're definitely triggered by something - a news report, for example - but sometimes they just seem to come out of the blue. I'll try and pay more attention to what's going on when they start. That's true, they're certainly scaring me! You could be right there.

Thanks again!