[frogysgirl]

The 10yrs aniversary of my being raped and nearly stranggled to death is less than two weeks away (Sept 18). Saw my t today and for the first time since it happened I screamed and cried in anger and fear. She said it was a good thing and that I'm finally starting to recover - IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE I AM. I've locked myself in my home,safe from the "outside world", at least until my fiance' gets home. If "healing" is supposed to be so great, why does it ahve to hurt so very much? Marc (my fiance') is the only man I ever been able to trust. He knows what's going on,but can't help me for obsivous reasons. At least he's "safe". I really want to egt past all of this so it doesn't take over my life every year at this time like it has for so long. I'm jumping at every little sound and shadow right now and am fighting to keep what little sanity I seem to have left. I'm in school online,but can't seem to concentrate on much of anything except trying to get through the next few hours, hour, 10 min,etc. I'm totally confused by what I'm feeling. IT'S BEEN 10 @$^^%$#&* YEARS - WHY DOES IT STILL HURT!!!! This forum is the only place I feel like I won't be judged or condemed for the pain I feel. I love Marc, but he can't understand (and neather can my t) - and I do know they try. I DON'T WANT TO HURT MYSELF - I just want to be able to function again. I'm tired of the &^%$ and I know I didn't do anything to "deserve" it. I only want to live my life free from this "burdon" - and I'm not sure that's even possilbe at this point. Thanks for "listening" - again.

(((((((((Frogysgirl)))))))))))))
Please, don't be so hard on yourself. I don't think it's a good idea for you to be alone at all right now. If your fiance' isn't there with you, can you go and visit a family member or a friend? I'm so very sorry that you're going through so much pain and torment.

[InACorner]

(((((frogysgirl))))

all i can offer you is my support. I hope it goes quickly for you. Try coloring books? It doesnt really need much concentration...and you can get some cute ones to make you smile...and after awhile you might be so entranced in coloring in all the pages that it might go alittle faster for you perhaps while you watch something funny on tv ? Is there anyway you can do some excersises in your house? Like a video....nothing too quiet maybe get a stepping stool and do those up and down excersises or run in place or around the place...? i know coloring books or something fun that kids do may seem silly but its there to entertain and it really does work.....You could also go on a major cleaning .....and you could do all these things....do one each day...and set a goal...today i will color each and every page of this 100 page coloring book....tommrow i will excersise on and off every hour....watch cartoons....and definitly ask to keep more in contact with your T than ever....ask for a few more sessions that normal if you can do it.....good luck
i will have you in my thoughts and prayers.
inny

[frogysgirl]

Thanks for the support. Marc's home now, but has to work tomorrow and I don't have anyone/anywhere I can go. I know I'll be checking out the forums several times!

[Jennifer1084]

I also really can only give you my support and maybe a few suggestions. I am with what the others have said. It's going to be scary when it's the anniversary of a traumatic event. Especially when you think of it being 10 years ago. One thing I have heard is don't focus on it being that long ago to the extent that you can. I know you cannot completely block out the thought of aniversaries and it's still going to be there and it's still going to hurt. Healing is like a tootsie pop for example. You take a toopsie pop and you have the layer of paper first. So this layer of paper will eventually be taken off and next thing you know you have this deep thick layer of hard candy and you are trying to get to the extra special part, the tootsie roll in the middle. You have to go through all of these layers before you can get to the good part. So it's like healing in that the paper is your fragileness and just getting to the point where you are able to stand up again. Then you have these layers, as endless as it may seem, they do get thinner and thinner, until eventually you get to the center. Of course the center when you get to it, will have it's flaws like there will still be som candy attached to it and such, but it's the "good" part. So is healing, healing will take time, it takes different amounts of time for everyone. Healing comes off like layers, like an onion. Every layer you take off may burn your eyes and stink a little, but in the end, it will all be gone, after all the layers have been taken away. But then the trauma will never just go away, even with the example of the onion, you will still smell onion for awhile, it's become apart of you, it's soaked into your skin. Just like the trauma, it's a part of you, it has made you who you are today, though it was not a good thing, it's taking away those layers at the speed you need to. This was a little long, but I just wanted to give a few examples of what I felt and how I think. Though I am in the same boat and will be for awhile, but anway, I just wanted to share.

Jennifer

[frogysgirl]

I like the "tootsie pop" analysis! That actually makes sense to me! Sometimes, as you know, the memories get to be so overwhelming that I can't see straight. I don't have coloring books, but I have bubbles and I have a cat! Thanks everyone for the kinds words and the support.

[wickedwings]

i have known this tootsie pop and onion analogy for years from my own experience. i never use the tootsie pop, but always have used the onion analogy. they're similar,anyway.

[frogysgirl]

I never heard either analogy, but I understand them both. It's 7am and I"ve had 2hrs of sleep since 8pm last night! Repairman coming over this am and I may make a few phone calls, but am pretty much "on my own" for the day. Not sure what to expect. Nervous and scared. Almost afriad to sleep because of potential nightmares. Going to have to take today hour by hour I guess. Thanks for the ongoing support.

Dec 11-12, 2005 my anniversary of my rape, torture and almost death by strangulation. It's almost 2 yrs ago and it's still like it happened today. It gives me hope that you have found someone that you can trust.

My suggestion is take the day off to grieve and treat yourself right. Could be a nice spa day or just a day to laze around in pj's. Remember you survived this and remember your life has moved on successfully. You will get through it....you've been through 9 anniversaries already.

Remember the best revenge.........is living well.

PS. Sept. 18 is the DOB for the man who did this to me, so you won't be alone another anniversary for me too.

[wickedwings]

i totally agree with crackers.

[frogysgirl]

I know it's been a bit, but I made some "breakthroughss" in therapy. I fought the S.O.B. in my mind and won!!! I feel a sence of freedom that I have't had in 10yrs. It'll never be easy this time of year, but at least now I don't feel so helpless. Thanks for all the support.