Shutting off on relationships

Okay, people have dismissed this quit a few times, but it really seems to be a problem with me. I'll start going out with a guy, and i'll start to really like him. But all the time everyday, i feel like im fighting those feelings, i fight them until i realize how very much i like the person, and once i realize how much i like the person, my brain just shuts it off. Its just all of a sudden not there anymore... i feel disappointed when it happens, like, "hey! I really liked the person!" and i want everytime so much for it to come back, then i end up giving up and dumping the guy im with. And it makes me feel HORRIBLE what i've put people through. So then i gave up for a year, and someone managed to win my heart, but i had a major struggle to get him. I went through so much, and now a month after we've started going out, i shut off again. And i'm trying so hard to get it back, like to put myself back into the frame of mind when i was head over heels for him. I feel like after this one, i'm not going to try for a very very very long time. Last time was a year, but this time, im positive i'll have set myself back at least 5. I don't know what to do about it!
~Julie

I do that too. I just moved out from the man I've been living with for two years and I don't feel anything about it. (That's why I moved out.) He's a great guy and we have a lot of fun, but there was a situation with his ex that he didn't handle well so I just sort of "shut off" as you put it. The situation was minor, but that was eight months ago and I still can't seem to get my heart into the relationship. I've hurt his feelings and I'm not even sure if I can trust him anymore because of things that have happened since I pushed him away. If you find out how to turn it all back on I'd love to know. (It is nice to know some one else feels that way too. I some times wonder though, if he just isn't the right one?)

Katie, yeah, i've thought that too, about him "not being the right one," and though my philosophy on life has always been that things happen for a reason, and the things that happen makes us who we are, *blah blah blah* it still troubles me. A couple times previously I had felt myself starting to shut off, and i fought it, and won, but this time, it just kinda crept up on me, and those are the times when i can't do anything about it but give up. I'm debating giving up, but I feel so awful, because my boyfriend is so incredibly attatched to me.

I'd like to hear from others with the same problem, and i'd especially like to find out how to turn it back on. I've done this for my last 4 relationships (my only four where i was the dumper, not the dumpee...) And its really distressing.
~Julie

i can totally relate. i've only ever dated 2 people and i married the second one. he's a really sweet guy and he treats me wonderfully. however, after about 3 years of marriage i wanted out. i almost felt like someone else had been in control of things until that point and that girl disappeared and left me with a huge mess! so i figured i was going to leave, but i also decided to try seeing a therapist first to figure out why i let this happen to me. well, after about 3 sessions i told my therapist i wanted to leave my husband and he convinced me to try couples therapy first. that was almost a year ago.

basically, i can't really trust anyone, which makes the whole successful relationship thing pretty much impossible because as soon as i start to feel really close and connected to the other person i want to run away and be alone again. i mean, they're only going to leave me at some point anyway, right?

at the very least, i would recommend that you see a therapist about this so that you don't continue replicating the same pattern in all your relationships. don't give up on this guy yet--he might well be a keeper

btw--my hubby and i are still together and we get along better now than we ever have. i still have an intense urge to run away, but i also realize that he's not doing anything to justify that urge and that makes it easier for me to stay.

Did you get hurt really bad in an earlier relationship? If so maybe the shutting down as soon as you know you like him is to protect yourself from getting hurt again.
Zen

<font color=green>The snow falls on no two trees alike, and the forms it assumes are as various as those of the twigs and leaves which recieve it...so one divine spirit decends alike on all, but bears a peculiar fruit in each--Henry David Thoreau

That makes alot of sense, Penna. It's nice to hear a happy story! My boyfriend and I are still seeing each other. I think that while I deal with other problems, my instinct is to be alone, so I have to focus on taking time away to just relax and enjoy people. We've been having an alright time lately. I think things will get better. Thanks for letting me babble. I hope it works out for you, Juliebean! Keep us posted. : )

Katie