Shutting Down on T

I need to post about my last session and my T. I feel inhibited about posting on another forum that I frequent because my T is also a member of that forum and it just makes things a little ackward at times (okay I will save that post for another time).

I have been completely shut down from everyone in my life since last weekend and really haven't made it through much of my work days this week. I haven't spoken much unless I am spoken to. I just don't have the energy or the desire to speak because I don't care. I was suppose to have therapy twice this week but my appt. on Monday was cancelled but I did see him last night. He apologized and we talked about how I was angry because he cancelled for a really stupid reason (he got tied up with something else) and he understood and said it was okay to be angry at him as he was angry at himself. Anyway, it didn't help matters that I was already shut down with everyone else and it just continued with him. Sometimes I have been shut down in the world but never with him. He is the one person that I don't normally shut down with...except yesterday. Everytime he asked me a question yesterday I shrugged my shoulders said whatever and okay or I don't know and that is exactly how I felt. I still feel the same way today. I just don't care. He discloses a lot to me and told me late last week that he had a medical scare but that it turned out to be nothing and I thought that maybe this has something to do with it. Maybe I am freaked out by this and am shutting down because I don't want to get close to him in case something does happen to him and I am left abandoned again. I know stupid thinking but it has happened before where my previous T of 8 years just up and left with no warning or notice. If I shut down now then I won't get hurt. I don't know, so many thoughts yet part of me doesn't care, or do I??

Sorry for the long rambling post and if you have made it this far....thank you

Sunshine, I guess sometimes its just like what you describe. I have times when I shut down, where I turn good stuff like chatting to others into something negative, where I feel all alone with my suffering, where I feel if I punish myself enought, nothing bad will happen.

At the end of the day we cannot control others, we can't hold them right there, even if we turn in on ourselfs. We just have to keep going forward, opening ourselfs to others in life and that way when people do come and go, as people do, we have a net work on others to be there for us.

We are never alone now as adults now not like when we were vunrable children. We actually get choices now, maybe not always the choice we would want but we do have a say in our lifes.

I;m not sure if T disclosing medical problems is a good thing or not? But I guess it just is, his revealed it now and there is no taking it back!

Your post wasn't rambling by the way, I relate to 100%

Sunshine - I hear you. I have barely made it throught the work week, I am really struggling not to shut people out. I feel like such a burden. Yesterday I didn't let anyone in RL know where I was at. I just wanted to go far far away. I see T on Monday and I just don't want to go. I want so much to but what bother. I am so sorry you are here, I know I am not helping much but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Hang in there.

Thanks for your responses. I am having another appt. with my T this afternoon because he knows that I am struggling severely and is really worried about me. Part of me just wants to shut down and close him off to my world partly out of anger but the other part wants to just break down and cry because I am definitely afraid that I am falling and slipping backwards fast, really fast. I don't know I feel so confused, upset, distracted (sat at my desk here today and have not done a thing....nothing and again won't make it through another full day here), sad, on the verge of tears and just wanting to give up. It is so hard.

Anyway, thanks again for your replies, they mean a lot.

((Sunshine))

Hi Sunshine
I often go through periods of really great therapy session and feel like I'm making progress, then I "shut down" too! I try to rely on my T to bring me "back" ya know? It doesn't always work.

It's a great start to identify that you're doing this though and that means that you aren't really shutting down completely, you're processing this somewhere in yourself so you're thinking anyway.......and imo you're not totally shut down, just in some ways....at least that's what I tell myself, this part of the feeling of being shut down is part of my process and I apparently need it......

Hang in there!

I had my extra appt with my T and I wasn't as shut down with him and he knew that I was really struggling and he said that he was going to email me over the weekend to see how I was doing not to check up on me but more to let me know that I am not alone. I thought that was really nice and it almost made me cry. He also said that he was going to be out and about tomorrow and if needed he could see me at his office if I was still really struggling. If not then he would see me on Monday for sure. I just can't believe how much he has/is coming through for me during this really hard time. It is probably one of my darkest times in the last year or so and there have been some really bad times.

Anyway, I truly am lucky but still very scared at the same time and he knows it. I don't think that I am shutting down on him as much although still some and he says he knows I am and is okay with it.

Thanks Talulah for pointing out that I am probably not shutting down completely and you are right. I had a triggering event last weekend and I think it was my way of dealing with it was to shut down and only now are the feelings coming out.

Anyways, thanks all for your support

Wow, cool t, very supportive....I hope you let yourself do what you need to with him since he is extending it, it means he's okay with what you need!

((((((((((((((((((((Sunshine31))))))))))))))))))

Thanks Talulah and yes I am very lucky and he is very cool. I was so surprised at how much support he offered and how he said that he would email me this weekend just to let me know that I was not alone (as he knows that I don't have any real live support)....that was so touching and let me know that he truly cares and believes in me (as he keeps telling me)

Sunshine, your T sounds wonderful! Hang in there.

sunny

Sunshine, I'm sure your T has a reason to share anything of his personal life with you, but for the very reason of what happened(you began to worry about opening up to him, fear of closeness and then losing him, spending time worrying about him, etc) is why it really isn't a good therapy move imo.

But it does sound like he is caring very much about you, and I would go ahead and share whatever you can with him... I mean, you have no other anyway, and he sounds like he can help you get through this tough time. (((hugs)))

Sunshine!!!

I hope things get better soon. It sounds like you have a wondeful therapist. I bet the shutting-down part is just a temporary reaction. You can get through this!!! Okay I don't have any words of advice to offer, but I'm thinking about you and hoping things will get better....

Sidony

Thanks Everyone And yes I will admit that my T is wonderful and I honestly don't know where I would be without him.

Hanging on as best I can but feeling like I am