[md2299]

I am almost 18 now and in high school, I have a quite demanding study program and there are times when I feel worried/sad/stressed about completing the study portion in time, the thing is, whenever this happens; even unrelated to studies, whenever I feel significantly low, I remember something bad from my childhood and I cannot stop crying until the overwhelming flashback has passed. (Little background:my father was, and is, a horrible parent and husband, if we were in the United States or Canada, there would be a restraining order on him). The flashbacks include 3 year old me watching helpless and terrified while my father screams like a demon at my mother and she is crying and begging to not do this in front of me. Second one is my father throwing 8 year-old me out of the house barefoot, wearing my oldest clothes, and saying I no longer have a family, and I walk for a while, it's late in the night, and I look back and he is talking to our neighbour's watchman and laughing.
There are many more but the thing is that every time something in my present(school/stress/college applications) stress me out to reach a minor peak, I start a flashback of an event like this. Is it an excuse I use to feel sad/special/blame my father? Or does it happen with any of you too? Is there a name for it, I can't find one?
I mean it's not major enough to be PTSD, I think.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm no expert but this sounds like a trauma. Can you afford a therapist to deal with this? It sounds very important.

In the meantime, I'd try to handle the stress.. everytime you feel study may become overwhelmed, try to take some pauses, for example. It's not worth suffering like this for your studies.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC I'm glad you're here. I'm sorry you had a rough childhood. Have you considered seeing a therapist to process this? Maybe your flashbacks and crying are helping you process it and get it out of your system. Professional help could be beneficial. Sending big hugs.

[Fuzzybear]

[Open Eyes]

(((md2299))),

Hi and welcome to PC and the PTSD forums.

I am sorry you are struggling this way and this challenge is making it harder for you to concentrate on learning and achieving.

What you are describing is "fear of failure and being punished and rejected or abandoned" and this was something you experienced in your childhood which is something we NEVER forget and often when these fears are instilled in us at such a young age, it can take years to slowly resolve these deep psychological injuries and learn to "trust" self rather than these negative dysfunctional messages we were handed from a parent that clearly had no knowledge about child development and HEALTHY parenting.

What you are experiencing now is genuine fear of failure and the only way you can slowly conquer this is to be patient with self and do the best you can and understand that it's really ok if you don't end up getting top grades because the whole point of getting an education is learning how to learn. This is going to be different with each individual in that everyone learns a little differently. What is more important is for you to learn how YOU learn, and you "can" learn you are not stupid.

[Wild Coyote]

You've written about these traumatic memories coming to the surface while under additional stress. this is very common when someone has had traumatic experiences. Our psychological defenses often keep the traumatic material suppressed. When our defenses are tiring or wearing thin, these memories tend to surface.

Is it possible to see a therapist?

I also want to welcome you to PC.
I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home here.
I hope to see you around the forums.

Keep reaching out. Keep yourself safe, especially during traumatic flashbacks.


WC

[md2299]

To be able to see a therapist regularly, I would need to live under a different roof from my father and that will happen once I get into college. So I have to keep this under control as much as I can. I just want someone to tell me that they also get these flashbacks. I mean Musee survivors do, but my trauma isn’t as intense as that, I need to know people with minor trauma like me. Thanks for writing, I will see a therapist eventually. Hugs.

[md2299]

I have thought about a therapist and talked to my Mom, hopefully we will figure something out. Thanks for writing. Love and warmth to you.

[md2299]

Thank you so much for saying that, I’ve always felt that I feel bad about academic pitfalls more than my peers, maybe because I automatically link failure to those consequences. I will set this right eventually once I go to see a therapist.

[md2299]

That’s what I was thinking, generally I don’t think about these but whenever I am troubled, the speed with which these events come back to my conscious makes me thinks I am not recalling them when I am sad, I actually had them suppressed the whole time and when I can’t suppress them anymore, I have a flashback. Thank you so much for the warm welcome. So happy to be here!

[Wild Coyote]

I'd had a lot of flashbacks when I was your age. I found they'd quieted down with time and therapy. You may find supportive therapy very helpful as you are also heading off to college, which can be another adjustment.

It's wonderful you were able to talk with your mom.
I hope you can work things out.

Of course you are very welcomed here. You may find additional forums here also helpful. Make yourself at home.


WC