Did CPTSD affect your spirituality?

Has trauma affected your spiritual beliefs? Has faith helped you cope or did you lose your faith? Have you found a new spiritual path in an attempt to heal from trauma?
Where do you see the meaning of life now?

Please note that the forum doesn't allow talking about specific religions or beliefs, so please only use general, vague and neutral language in your posts so that we don't break the rules. Thank you.

Hi, Seeker.

Great idea for a thread. I've never been much of a fan of organised religion, but my experiences did leave me questioning my faith quite a lot. A couple of things have remained constant, because to lose those would be to lose myself entirely. I haven't yet found a new spiritual path, but I am striving every day to feel more at peace with myself and the way things are unfolding.

Now I find meaning in poetry, and the sharing of others' stories. Used to find it in music a little, but not so much these days.

That's a good question.

In the midst of everything, I found religion and had desire to become a pastor. After everything finally settled down and I was consistently in a peaceful environment, that's when I fell from faith. When everything externally was fine -- finally -- and I just couldn't find any kind of internal peace. Why am I stuck in this? Didn't I already do my time? Why can't I just be okay, you know?

I wouldn't say that my faith is entirely gone. It's just so engulfed in hate and anger that I can't seem to let go. Who knows, maybe everything will go back to normal if I can somehow let out all of this inner turmoil. I'm pretty conflicted, I guess.

How about you, Seeker?

It's pretty complicated in my case. I've read about and tried several religions/ spiritualities.
Although I've never believed in the dogmas 100% and I always kept my rational mind involved, I decided to join one of the major Christian churches as I felt connected to them. I loved the mysticism and symbology.
However, exactly at that period I faced another trauma and my childhood fear of abandonment and loss of meaning in life repeated in religious context, creating additional trauma. So... while I long for the feeling of unconditional love, acceptance and hope, religion is a huge trigger at the same time.

I was just told by my therapist today that I have complex PTSD.

Anyway, my mother always believed, and she made a point of sending me to Sunday school before I was old enough to start school. But I didn’t for one second believe. When I was in high school, I wanted to believe for social reasons. I created much of the music for the church (as much as the musical director). But I had to fake it.

I just read that this is a symptom of Complex PTSD.

I think it's difficult to believe in a loving God when you go through trauma. Also, it's so hard to believe you can trust him when your parents or other significant people betrayed you.
I personally would like to go to church and receive the sacraments however I can't force myself because of anxiety and social issues.
I considered this a huge problem and felt it was a sin as I "know the truth but reject it". After talking with my therapist I was able to think rationally about this... I hope this sense of relief will stay with me as spirituality is something that I keep struggling with.

Yes, it did. I used religion to fill the empty void from all the abuse and neglect. I was also manipulated and abused by "religious" people. My husband was abused as well, and is now an atheist.

I'm now in a progressive Christian church, but even now I feel like an outsider.

I can totally relate to this, Fharriage. I know what you mean by the empty void... It's so hard to fill and stays there even though you may forget it for a while.

I have struggled a great deal with my faith over the years. I know that God has been with me through it all, even when I felt like He didn't care. Looking back on my life I can see all the ways He has been there. I am hoping for my faith to increase more and more.

Yes, I lost my faith, after my first major break down. I ended up having several break downs, and my faith kept going further, and further away. It has been around 8 years ago from my first break down. I have been slowly getting back my faith. I hope that in the future I will be at least where I was with my faith, with the man upstairs.

Some, though not all, of my traumas were from the church body. Churches are a favorite place to target children, especially children with dysfunctional or absent parent(s).

I am quite sure I would have been a minister had it not been for the church-related traumas and the lies that cover them up. Many churches are dysfunctional families in this way.

I rekindled my spirituality studying under Thich Nhat Hanh. He taught me how to feel at peace again, at peace during the storm. I studied all of his books, met him in his community, and learned more, too, from his colleagues. I highly recommend the path of Mindfulness. Only then could I eventually have compassion for ailing churches.

I cannot share all I have to say about this here.
I do believe we can recover/rekindle our spirituality with time and with the right mentors, which may be different for each of us.

A Lotus to Each of you!

WC

I was raised Christian but stopped believing as a teenager because I saw no benefit in the faith. That changed after I took meditation lessons in South East Asia.

I attended service for some time as an adult because I liked connecting in this spiritual community and not sharing all of its beliefs was of minor importance to me. Church had no direct part in my trauma, but I am struggling with overwhelming sadness brought on by church music. It brings back memories, and I think I was experiencing emotional flashbacks.

So C-PTSD makes it harder for me to function in the spiritual community that I was introduced to as a child. Luckily painful memories no longer bother me during meditation.

My strength and connection has never wavered. If there’s a master plan and that involves me suffering so be it. I’m never alone.

I fully understand being triggered by church music. I can't stand it either. It's so positive and conveys such faith and hope which I'll never have and it only makes me more miserable. It was especially bad during advent and Christmas period when carols were everywhere.

I'm so glad you are still able to have this kind of faith, Tisha! I can imagine it must help you a lot.

I do, it just is in me, was never drilled into me by anyone else. It’s so comforting to believe you are never alone and are being guided.

My Dad was a minister, so I was raised in a fairly religious household and kind of had involvement in church shoved down my throat. I stopped believing in it, when I was about 11, and just went through the motions. I explored different religions in my teens and twenties but couldn't fully relate to any of them.

I found meditation and that has brought me some peace, but I consider myself an atheist.

splitimage

How were you able to gain this kind of faith? I once had it but lost it 😑
Do you truly feel it or is it more a decision that you want to believe despite lack of feelings?

It’s inside you. Your pain and misfortune has made you question. It’s hard to love when you are hurting. But it is still in your heart. I have also felt like I could never love again as I’ve been so hurt, but my heart miraculously turned around- a miracle!

Thank you. We'll see...

My family's religion was used in conjunction with my abuse, so I felt, a lot of times very unloved by any possible spiritual overseer, and even was convinced at times that I was being punished BY said deity for my 'behavior'

I'm not religious anymore lol

Much more of a vague 'universe' and 'energy' type of spiritual at this point.

That's very understandable. I can relate to you thinking that spiritual entities punished you. I sometimes think the same.
I'm glad you don't feel that way anymore.

I don't believe in deities or overseers punishing wilfully, but a 'universal law of cause and effect', a.k.a. karma, makes some sense to me. I've certainly been punished by my own stupidities on top of whatever circumstances I had no influence on in this life.