a trigger from my past..... - heart attack...

I totally lost it today.... I found myself... in the dollar store buying.. sugar product by the bag... earlier before therapy appt.. I was in the large supercenter.. and I lost my temper.

IRL... I rarely lose my temper.. I don't keep it bottled up.. I just very rarely lose my temper... mellow jello.. usually.. waiting in line... for 30 minutes.. just to get to cashier.. week after week... being sick.. having the store manager argue with a shopper.. over the diff of 45 percent vs 50 percent discount... and then refusing to sell her the item at all.. and I lost it.. when I got near I asked her... how she was going to rectify the long lines and the the mis-priced items.. and I did it Loudly... yepper I did..she was the manager of the whole store.. and not a clerk... I wouldn't do that to a clerk.. because what can they do...they don't have the control to change anything..

Soooooooooo.. I was feeling badly.... about myself in the first place.... then therapy.. and then the dollar store..

Then the BINGE... and passing out...over and over from the sugar in my body..

and then it hit me..... the trigger... my best friend stopped by unexpectedly yesterday... she causually in the middle of the conversation... "dropped" her bomb... that her brother-in-law.. had a heart attack.. and open heart surgery.. the day before..

Her family.... is my family.... after 29 years... of being included within her family... that is the way it is...

My sister.. who doesn't speak to me.. since my fathers death 3 years ago... did the same thing... she called me.. "chit chatted"... and then said.. in a "by the way"... Dad died...

My best friend... and my sister are alot alike...I picked a best friend.. like my sister..

My sister.. did not call me while.. my Dad was dying.. that night.. I could have been by his side... and offerred prayers of comfort... and held his hand.... he is my sisters and my abuser... but... I would have done that..

She had to be the only child.. and couldn't allow that to happen...

This is not the first time.. that my best friend had delivered news of this nature to me in this fashion... we have talked about it.. how devasting it is to me... but.. she does it anyway.... over 29 years... she still does it...

having my guard down.. she chit chatting.. me never suspecting anything is wrong... she so good at hiding the truth.. me so... with my guard down..and she knowing exactly what the news is going to do..
I have asked her.. and pleaded with her.. when something like this happens.. to call me.. at the time.. to be upfront.. to let me know...

so.. I was triggered... and I binged.. and binged.. and binged...

and my head feels like.. it will explode....

Drink some water which will help with the sugar and please be careful.

(((Love ya)))

I can understand how you feel. I was out of state visiting family when my father was diagnosed with uncurable cancer and hospitalized with a blood clot. He told my family not to tell me because he didn't want to ruin my visit to the family.To wait until I came home. I knew instinctively something was wrong when no one was answering their phones for one week. I came home to the devestating news. We lost him a few months later. Though I understood why he requested this it was very hard.

Stay strong. Your family and friends are just trying to soften the blow even if it is done in the wrong way.

(((((((((((((((free)))))))))))))))))))))

((((freewill))))

Sending a gentle hug and support to you. Love you.

cami

(((((((((((((((((freewill)))))))))))))))))))))))