*trigger* my past, my experiences

Trigger. I mean it.

So... the memories and my mind are getting worse. It's absolutely painful now. I can tell you exactly what happens, but some things are still missing in my memory, and maybe always will be.

I mean... all he did was touch me. It wasn't rape. It wasnt that bad. So why do I react so badly?

... I hate my body. I hate its reactions to things. Im forever screwed up, and wont be able to have a proper relationship with a guy because ... well, I'm terrified.

I know most guys arent like that. I know he was drinknig. I know it wasnt all my fault, but I still cant say it wasnt. Is that wrong? I dont want to remember. But I cant forget.

I was told to talk to someone out loud about it. I tried. I really did. But I cant, because I dont trust enough people that much to do it. I'd consider with one of my former counsellors, but I'll never get to see her probably.

All he did was touch me. Never have I wanted to be so invisible. But when youre a woman, and suitably endowed... maybe youre asking for it. Maybe I was. I could have said something. I could have done something. Im sorry. Im bad. I wont say anything. And I didnt... for a long time. Now I have, and it hurts me even more.

All I want is one guy to tell me Im not doomed to be treated like that forever. I dont like my body. I hate its reactions. I hate my mind. I hate that I keep trying to retraumatize myself. Which is what I do, but something that nobody else will know because Im too ashamed. Good girls dont do that. Im bad. But ... I need the reaction. I need to feel normal. I need to feel like I have control, even though I really dont.

The story about what happened (to the best of my memory, which isnt the best thing ever but it'll have to do. I forsee me feeling horrid for doing this, but right now my mind needs to get it out. So Ill just regret it later, okay?

... okay.

************TRIGGER******

We were watching tv downstairs. I dont remember what it was, just that it was highly sexualized. I cant remember what it was though. We were both sitting on the couch beside one another. It was late, late enough that my two sisters and my mom had gone to bed. this was back when I was in highschool, but for the life of me I cant remember the year or the date. he had been drinking earlier... so he was intoxicated, and maybe not fully in control of what happened.

I dont remember how it started. Maybe I said something. Maybe he did. All I know is that he told me to tell him if I wanted to stop. And I said nothing. He put his hands under my shirt... under my bra... and he was stroking and touching and just generally making me aroused. okay, i admit it. my body betrays me and sickens me. whats wrong with me. my body reacted and i couldnt stop it but my mind was on pause and it knew it was wrong and yet I did nothing. I sat there. this went on for maybe half an hour. i guess he got bored and then he stopped. he said that if I ever wanted him to do that again, that I should tell him and he would do it willingly. But that it had to be my decision.

Then he went upstairs, to bed. I dont remember how I felt, but I remember watching some more tv, and then going to bed.

And I kept my mouth shut. I knew it was bad. I did nothing. I continue to do nothing. But I remember how his hands felt. They were warm and rough. I remember how my body reacted... nasty. I dont remember my emotions because I dont think I remember them the same way most people do. I remember being numb. Or maybe not.

i deserve it. i brought this upon myself. i dont feel good. i feel bad. i feel numb. im sorry im bad. i cant ever tell anyone this because its scary... i dont want anyone to hate me. im sorry im bad. ill be good. it was my fault. its always my fault. knew better. need someone else to love me. he loves me doesnt he. he loved me enough to do this for me. get me prepared for the real world. i feel sick. want to cut. please just let my memories end. i know its bad and im sorry for everyone reading this because its bad.

I just want one guy to like me for who I am. But maybe nobody does. Maybe nobody ever will. Im bad and useless and ugly and stupid. I im sorry im bad. ill live with the consequences of my actions. stupid body. i hate you so much. im too messed up. damaged goods. im going to be alone forever. i just need someone to care right now. im scared. scared of my life. scared of my past. scared of myself.

((((((((Christina)))))))) i wish i was good with words but i'm not so forgive if i mess up and put my foot in it. i just wish i could talk to you IRL coz i can do that better but i can't so here goes...

you're not any of the bad things you say in this post! you're not bad, ugly, useless or stupid! do you have any idea the number of people who look up to you here coz you help us all? so how can you be any of those things? and you're being too hard on yourself...you were in high school...how can you blame yourself now for how you re-acted then? and sometimes by the time your brain has gotten over the shock and decided how it should re-act it's too late, over and done with...a bit like delayed shock!

and i doubt i'm being any help here coz i know i'm none too bright with advice so i'll bow out and hope somebody smarter comes along with something for you.

meantime i'll give you all i got...

<font color="green">Sweetie,
That was not your fault, your mind went numb and you could do nothing. Your body's response was natural. Your lack of action afterwards is natural too. You are doing grand to be talking about it now!

You are good, you deserve to be treated well. He was a creep.

Safe hugs if you want them. </font>

I don't see that you did anything wrong. Nature has its ways. I hope you can find a man who will listen to you and accept you.

So... the memories and my mind are getting worse. It's absolutely painful now. I can tell you exactly what happens, but some things are still missing in my memory, and maybe always will be.

<font color="#000088"> </font> i so understand this... that's exactly where i am at with the new but really not new memories of what happened with my dad.

I mean... all he did was touch me. It wasn't rape. It wasnt that bad. So why do I react so badly?

<font color="#000088"> </font> he violated you and then placed the responsibility on you... he was suppose to protect you .. and he failed you.

... I hate my body. I hate its reactions to things. Im forever screwed up, and wont be able to have a proper relationship with a guy because ... well, I'm terrified.

<font color="#000088"> </font> my body responded to their touch too... i remember fighting it, hating it and wanting it all at the same time... my t tells me it's like when you cut an onion... you can tell yourself your not going to cry ... but you can't stop from crying... it's the way our bodies were designed

I know most guys arent like that. I know he was drinknig. I know it wasnt all my fault, but I still cant say it wasnt. Is that wrong? I dont want to remember. But I cant forget.

<font color="#000088"> </font> he chose to drink... he chose to put his hands on you... and he not only did... he then placed the responsibility for his actions on you... by telling you to tell him when you want him to stop.

I was told to talk to someone out loud about it. I tried. I really did. But I cant, because I dont trust enough people that much to do it. I'd consider with one of my former counsellors, but I'll never get to see her probably.

<font color="#000088"> </font> i am listening... and i want to encourage you to call her... or find someone you can trust to tell

All he did was touch me. Never have I wanted to be so invisible. But when youre a woman, and suitably endowed... maybe youre asking for it. Maybe I was. I could have said something. I could have done something. Im sorry. Im bad. I wont say anything. And I didnt... for a long time. Now I have, and it hurts me even more.

<font color="#000088"> </font> you may have been suitably endowed... but many girls are... it didn't give him the right to cross that line... he was responsible... he violated your trust ... i am so sorry that he treated you that way... you didn't deserve it... it wasn't your fault... even if he was drunk... it doesn't change anything... he knew what he was doing was wrong... and he turned it around to make it be yours ... when it was his to own...my abusers told me those lies too... that i made them want me... that they couldn't help it ... that they were drunk... that i wanted it... that they were helping me become a women ... and i still believe their lies... so i know how hard it is... please take care of yourself... lyn

it's very hard to read people's responses right now... so I apologize. Thank you all for responding.

((((((( Christina )))))))))

I understand. I hate my body too. It lies.

(((Christina)))
The memories of times when I knew things were wrong, should have said no, or should have moved or run away, should have told.... but didn't. The self loathing that follows can be overwhelming.

((((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))))))

Just know that my heart understands your heart, and you're not alone.

I'm so sorry for the pain, confusion, fear and many other things. I wish not a soul had to feel those...

Love & respect,

KD

Why won't he leave me ALONE!?! Why must the memories keep torturing me? I just want to be able to sleep. I don't want to cry right now... but here I am crying anyhow.

WHY WONT THEY STOP!?!

((((((((((((((( Christina ))))))))))))))))))

For me, eventually my memories did leave me alone, I was able to put them into a mental file cabinet. Not forgotten but not in my face all the time.

There is hope.

How can we help? Would you like us to listen more, would you like us to just be with you or could you use reminders and ideas on how to nurture yourself through this?

Okay... this is my attempt to respond to people's posts (which means I've got to really read them so bear with me please!)

((((((((((KJ)))))))))))))) You are helpful and good with words.
((((((((dalila)))))))))))) thank you... this is the second? time I tried to write this post out... at least now it makes some sense instead of being a mess!
((((((pachyderm))))))) I hope I find a nice guy too... all I've found are weird control freaks. (sigh) Ah well. thanks.
((((((((Lyn))))))))))) unlearning the lies is so hard... thank you for being supportive of me!
((((((Rapunzel))))))))) thank you for understanding!
((((((mckell13))))))))) Self-loathing is definetely a problem for me... sigh. thanks.
(((((((((KD)))))))))) I just hope there is a learning experience in all of this somewhere... preferably a postive one.

(((((((CedarS))))))))))) (you get a special specific post for being on the second page! )

Thanks for the hope!

You all have listened to me far too much already... I just need to remember the positive stuff, and remember to take care of myself... but I have trouble with that, and I forget... so maybe that. I don't know. I don't remember being faced with the question "How can we help" before in this sort of situation.