[wisewoman]

I spent many years being as invisible as possible to be sfe. But, due to me being me, I still said things to my abusers like "I hope this makes you feel real strong and tuff, does this make you feel like a man? or, I would say;'I bet this makes you feel so powerful to treat me this way. You are bigger so you win. But mostly I lived as an invisible child. Ha HA, as a grown up I was going to have all of the power to make things just right. WRONG. I have learned that sticking up for the small guy and advocating for just treatment has made me vulnerable. More then that losing my vacant expression has made me so vulnerable as a human. I am summoning the ghosts of seasons past and asking for invisibility again. I won't need to depend on anyone to give me pain meds. I won't have to depend on anyone to assure me that they believe me and know how to help. I can be my invisible self without comment. I don't cry. I don't laugh. I am invisible and walk with the dead.

[CedarS]

(((((((((((wisewoman))))))))))))

[wisewoman]

invisable me saw the hug. I can't feel anything and I do not know how to cry at all.

[CedarS]

My heart is with you, I can hear what you are saying.

I think sometimes we all just need to know we are heard. Sometimes maybe we have to just be where we are, without anyone trying to change us.

[wisewoman]

C, I am glad someone is here with me. I had told a friend and spouse that I needed to shave my head in sorrow for lately events and they say no, to rise above and show them they can't hurt me. I am already so hurt.

[happyflowergirl]

WIsewomen,

You really know how it feels because you express it so well it feels like myself growing up. I didn' t feel for a long time too, but now I wish I could go back, because feeling sucks but I am told I am healing. It doesn't feel like anything is healing.

Maybe we can all shave our heads (pretend) and hold on together for better days.

[wisewoman]

I remember I was so lonely then. I am old now and I have nothing to be lonely for. I want to close those doors and be invisable once again.

[katheryn]

(((((((((((((((wisewoman)))))))))))))))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((( wisewoman )))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((wisewoman))))))))

[chalmette70043]

(((((((((wisewoman))))))))))

[BlueFaith]

(((( wisewoman ))))

[wisewoman]

Thanks for the hugs. I feel that I am in a dangerous place with this and it's hard to explain. I am not one to bug my therapist or even speak of it here as it is very private but a button has been pushed and I am fighting, flighting, or surviving.I want to take a skill from long past where I don't cry. I did cry when angry even then. I made my body cooperate any way that I could. I would never let the enemy see me in tears. It has changed too much the other way. Therapist took several examples out of my past and wanted me to see my responsibility. I saw mine as well as there's but then time was up and off I go. I felt like throwing a snow ball in her direction. I felt betrayed and layed open to the world for all to see how rotten I am. I have written a lot lof emails. Too many with a basic theme of my need to learn to shut the pain out, not cry, and just function. I want to be a hermit. Do you guys here misunderstand me? Do I come across as harsh and cruel? I am very upset and the most I can do is grit my teeth and try to relearn to appear the one who wants or needs people for nothing. I am old enough that I know it all comes from within me. I am not angry with my therapist, just feel that she is tiring of me and my glorified manure. I know she needs to leave me and move on. I am also so tired and confused about my doctor. I used to like him and feel respectfully treated. Not any longer. I see the disgust in his eyes. Too bad for him that I
am who I am. I do not start out trying to harm people. I live my life trying to be loving.`I am very hurt and in crisis.

[Lenny]

Hello wisewoman...

It appears that a large percentage of your life support has changed..

What happened to cause them to change in such a similar time and fashion?

Crying is good,,it is a wonderfull gift of cleansing so whatever gates are closed to this..let them open freely.

And I notice that you referred to your expressed issues as glorified manure. They can only stink if they are closed up in the tiny rooms of our mind. Shared,,they are full of value.

Of course,,just my humblest of thoughts..

Be well,

Lenny

[wisewoman]

Lenny, therapist did not change. she has apologized and stated that she made a big mistake. I am however still in awful pain. My doc is one who has had to grow quickly. The
hospital has set up a stupid schedule for him to see patients. It has hurt him and his way of practicing medicine. Now he is hateful to me. I went today to a rehabilitive psychologist for written testing to help the doc figure out what to do with me. I don't think I was honest on the tests as I am really trying to pull within, I have no needs. It is a matter of life and death for me now. Yes manure stinks if left in the tiny rooms and not allowed to air. All of my old stuff has been aired. It's just the reactin that has me doing what I am saying. I can note that it is old stuff but it is survival. Thanks for replying. I

I shaved my head with head clippers today. It is not bad. I have wanted to for months as I needed a way to externally show my pain. Some cultures wear black. I had no other way to show my grief and pain but to shave bald. I have always had long hair until 4 months ago I started having it cut quite short. I can only get a little shorter then this. It is my symbol. I know. I am a mess. I hate the ptsd

[wisewoman]

I say screw it all. I am so tired of not knowing and of having places that are triggers. I want to be well, feel well and yet I have to depend on idiots to help me. I can't be truthful. I saw a rehabilitation psychologist today and I screwed it up. I was in a place about having power to deal with my pain by using old tricks. I got rope burn from sliding down the tarzan swing. I think I passed out under the trees for hours but when I woke up I treated it as best I could and stayed invisible. I feel I need to be that way for now until the lyme is treated and I can leave this doc. I am confused. My therapist asked me questions yesterday about what I could have done different with school issues as they arrived. She indicated that I was being inappropriate in my dealings. Yes, hind sight is 20/so. I feel like dropping out.

[CedarS]

((((((((((wisewoman))))))))))))))

[wisewoman]

Clarification, children's school issues also in the past no. I feel like dropping out of life, hermitage. i think I am on my way to hermitage. I slept a lot today. if not for spouse I would do a yurt on friend's property.

[pachyderm]

> She indicated that I was being inappropriate...

Love that word. Not.

We KNOW when we are being "inappropriate." Don't need to be told. It is not something that you do voluntarily, in spite of what they say...

Who knows what is "inappropriate" anyway? Is there an objective standard?

[wisewoman]

When we are doing what we must to survive how can that be inappropriate?