[onlymedid]

So, I was talking to T last week and she said that she thinks that I am more PTSD than anyone even knows. She thinks that the PTSD is more of an issue than the bipolar or DID right now.
Well, no one ever even told me or mentioned PTSD to me before her, so I was not shocked when she said it, but now I wonder just how much of my past has effected me.
For example....we were doing an exercise where you imagine you are a tree and you "ground" yourself by growing roots from your feet thru the ground. I imagined that and then she asked me how I was feeling right then.
I freaked....my anxiety took hold. I had the most intense fear of being chased and "found" by my step mother. I told her that I felt trapped, like I can't run if I need to. She asked who I feel like I need to run from and I just lost it.
The Step-monster used to chase me around til she grabbed me and then beat me.
I started to hyperventilate and T stopped, said to imagine my feet free again.
Then she put her hand on my knee and I sort of felt safer somehow. She did the deep breathing and I felt a little better, but still couldn't catch my breath.
She had me start to draw and I don't even know how, but I felt so much better in just about 5 minutes.
I still don't understand how the art works, but I like it. I think I will do it at home, too....it couldn't hurt...right?

BJ

[RozG]

((((BJ)))) i'm so sorry you have this to deal with on top of everything else but yeah...whatever works for you...art, music, meditation....give everything a go once and if it helps try and make time for it at least once a day even if you do happen to feel ok that day.

[onlymedid]

Yeah, there is just so darned much happening all at once and it seems a bit overwhelming. I am trying SO HARD to keep everything together.
I just want to fast forward so that I can be done with T and have everything resolved, ya know.
I am willing to do ANYTHING to help heal my mind and try to change all the damage the step-monster did to me.

I think I am going to draw tonight before bed.....just doodle...

Thanks ((((((KJ))))))

BJ

[RozG]

if you think about it ((BJ)) doodling probably calms your littles too...so you're getting a double whammy there...calm for you with ptsd and calm for your littles too which can't be bad.

and i think you still need hugs tonite...

[CedarS]

I agree, doodling and hugs sounds ideal.

[onlymedid]

Thank you so much KJ and CedarS. I really do appreciate all the hugs and they really do make me feel better.

I didn't even think about doodling calming the little. That is so observant because I never gave her the chance to draw before. She colors, but not draw so it must relieve something. It's good for me too because it's distracting.
I drew something and gave it to T. It starts with a small sort or squiggly circle and I keep adding to it with little squiggly circles and continue until the paper is full. I took it in and after a couple of minutes checking it out she asked "is this what you feel your mind is like" and I looked and said, "yeah, actually. That is just what it's like." She said "looks very chaotic" I just shrugged. I do that doodle ALL the time.

[RozG]

ok one more suggestion if i may? your littles feel the effects of ptsd too...and whatever calms them helps calm you too...if that makes sense to you? so maybe you could try setting aside time each day to do things that calm your littles too...like watching cartoons etc? just a thought, hope it helps?

[onlymedid]

I am ALL FOR suggestions!
Hmmm, it makes total sense that my PTSD would effect the rest of those inside. I actually never really thought of that. Thank you!
I think you are right. Setting aside a set time daily for them would be really good.
Beau likes to write.
Jo-Jo likes to color and draw and cuddle the stuffies.
Mary just sits in the room on the bed and reads (she does nothing else...ever...not even talk)
Lakota, well....her job is to keep Jo-Jo safe.

Yes, it helps....thanks again!

BJ

[CedarS]

I'm off to bed but I want to add in some more hugs before I go.

[onlymedid]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
CedarS said:


I'm off to bed but I want to add in some more hugs before I go.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks a LOT! You are too kind!
back and I hope you sleep well.

BJ

[CedarS]

(((((((((BJ)))))))))))


I can relate to much of what you are going through, I have PTSD and also at times deal with depersonalization.

Those of us with PTSD can continue to be friends here and help remind each other how to be safe and secure. When I had difficult stuff come up in therapy I had to take extra good care of myself afterwards. For instance - even if I didn't feel like eating, I had to make myself eat something, ideally something tasty as a treat. I had to basically give myself a break altogether, you know?

See, I was extra rough on myself, some part of me still believed that I deserved the abuse, and that I supposedly was always doing something wrong. So I had to learn to parent myself in a way, treat myself well. I have to be kind to myself.

When I'm going through a rough time sometimes I don't treat myself really well, I tend to not eat enough, not drink enough water, not get enough exercise, etc. So now that I know this about myself I am building a new habit. I eat regularly just cause. I get water. I get out for walks and fun. I take time off for reading fun books if I want. I keep my mind curious and interested in new things.

Doodling is such a great activity! Any type of creative expression on any level is wonderful.

[onlymedid]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
CedarS said:
(((((((((BJ)))))))))))


I can relate to much of what you are going through, I have PTSD and also at times deal with depersonalization.

Those of us with PTSD can continue to be friends here and help remind each other how to be safe and secure. When I had difficult stuff come up in therapy I had to take extra good care of myself afterwards. For instance - even if I didn't feel like eating, I had to make myself eat something, ideally something tasty as a treat. I had to basically give myself a break altogether, you know?

See, I was extra rough on myself, some part of me still believed that I deserved the abuse, and that I supposedly was always doing something wrong. So I had to learn to parent myself in a way, treat myself well. I have to be kind to myself.

When I'm going through a rough time sometimes I don't treat myself really well, I tend to not eat enough, not drink enough water, not get enough exercise, etc. So now that I know this about myself I am building a new habit. I eat regularly just cause. I get water. I get out for walks and fun. I take time off for reading fun books if I want. I keep my mind curious and interested in new things.

Doodling is such a great activity! Any type of creative expression on any level is wonderful.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks for sharing that with me. It makes me feel like less of a freak or something, ya know?
I have been trying so hard to eat, but I just can't seem to do it. In fact, nothing yesterday except 2 cokes....bad, I know. I tried really hard to eat breakfast. I got everything out, but then felt overwhelmed with guilt and decided not to make it. I reeeeally reeeeally want to feel like it's ok to eat, but I just don't. I will talk to my doctor tomorrow and then T on Tuesday after work.

I think you are right in that I feel like I need to be abused in some way. I feel like I need to be punished and that since I promised T that I would try not to SI, then food is the only solution. I think that is where the guilt comes in. I cannot eat...til I feel like it isn't all my fault.

I'm so glad you were able to help heal yourself even if just enough to realize that you are worth eating and exercising. I am hoping to get to that point one day.

Thanks for caring because it means so much.

BJ

[CedarS]

I sure understand feeling like a freak, feeling different in a bad way, and feeling as if I somehow deserve being abused.

I was taught to feel responsible for all sorts of bad stuff that had nothing to do with me. I was abused as a child and that was my norm, meaning that was all I knew. So it took years of therapy as an adult, a lot of hard work and persistence, to finally get it through my thick skull that I am okay, that it is okay for me to be human (which includes making some mistakes and not being superhuman), and that having a good life now is a great way to break the chain of abuse.

Do you have any crackers? Cookies? Milk or juice? Toast? Anything really easy to fix and eat? Cause if you do, or can go out and get some, I'd like to try a friendly agreement with you.

I've been having a somewhat rough weekend. I don't feel good physically and I'm also feeling anxious - my neighbors were fighting early this morning, that sorta triggered me.

Usually I might be sorta spaced out and hyper today and I might not take good care of myself. But I want to do something different this time.

I have some applesauce and an energy bar. (See, I'm waving the spoon in the air!) I'm eating and I'm going to drink a tall glass of water too.

Want to join me? I'm thinking we can hum a giddy little tune at the same time, hey, we can dance with our food too!

Let me know what you think. We can do this as an experiment, no pressure, just fun and friendship.

[onlymedid]

Sure, I am up for it. I think I have a string cheese I can have. I have some iced tea, too! If your still up for it.

I always had food withheld when I was "bad" or didn't do something just right. So it makes sense why it is associated that way now.

I'm gonna get the string cheese now!

[CedarS]

Definitely up for it!

String cheese and iced tea sounds wonderful. I ate all my applesauce and energy bar, now gonna drink some water.

You'd laugh to see me now, I'm lifting my glass of water to the computer monitor to toast us all - "We are good people and we deserve good food and water. We can celebrater our success!".

You want to toast too?

And anyone else who wants to join in celebrating successes, please feel free.

[Kiya]

one thing, too, you may want to set up some parameters around drawing because it can bring up stuff. so for example, if you or the littles draw and strong emotions come up, you can come here and post or chat.
I do a lot of art with the system and early on it was problematic for a bit.
Last night the monster stayed out with her bf an extra night so this gave me the op to paint all night if we wanted... we painted til 1:30am and one (the last pic) was a little pic and it did bring up strong emotion. It could have led to si but we now have a "t-part" that internalized a fantasy t who is always there when needed. so that "t" walked the little through various steps and helped get the system back on track.
we also have coloring books for times of overwhelming emotions. so when things get too much, or drawing/painting brought up bad juju or the night is suddenly scary, the littles can get their coloring books and crayons until they feel safer.

oh was gonna tell you - reading your original post, it was like we were in the same session!!! my t last time talked mostly about PTSD and how i fit all three catigories (who knew there were catigories?!) and how we need to work with all of them to heal... and always has me imagining a field with an oak tree in it... sometimes be the tree.

[CedarS]

Kiya, great ideas! Helps me too.

[onlymedid]

Well, I took a bit of the cheese, but couldn't do the entire thing...

Good job on finishing the applesauce and energy bar!

I thin that is funny lifting your glass to the monitor!

Thanks for the encouragement.

[onlymedid]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
one thing, too, you may want to set up some parameters around drawing because it can bring up stuff. so for example, if you or the littles draw and strong emotions come up, you can come here and post or chat.
I do a lot of art with the system and early on it was problematic for a bit.
Last night the monster stayed out with her bf an extra night so this gave me the op to paint all night if we wanted... we painted til 1:30am and one (the last pic) was a little pic and it did bring up strong emotion. It could have led to si but we now have a "t-part" that internalized a fantasy t who is always there when needed. so that "t" walked the little through various steps and helped get the system back on track.
we also have coloring books for times of overwhelming emotions. so when things get too much, or drawing/painting brought up bad juju or the night is suddenly scary, the littles can get their coloring books and crayons until they feel safer.

oh was gonna tell you - reading your original post, it was like we were in the same session!!! my t last time talked mostly about PTSD and how i fit all three catigories (who knew there were catigories?!) and how we need to work with all of them to heal... and always has me imagining a field with an oak tree in it... sometimes be the tree.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Thanks for that. I didn't even realize that drawing or coloring could be an issue, but it makes sense. I think I will do just that, make a pact with them about coming here or something.

I didn't even know that PTSD has categories!? Now you know I gotta look that up! LOL I wanna know everything I can!

Just another note, I went over to my sisters and got the Chipmunk movie so I think I am going to watch that tonight!

BJ

[Kiya]

that's great to have a kid's movie around - odd i spose to talk DID stuff in PTSD, but the two are so connected. DID can't really be separated from PTSD.

the "kids" have their own section where they can easily get their movies, crayons, and such. we got a PTSD workbook and have done some of the excercises -like "make a calming book" that has images that are calming for times of panic. so the book is there with the DVDs as are some toys and the tape t made for us.