Knowing it?

Does this make sense to anyone. You begin to realise that what you've done all your life has been a sort of trauma reenactment, but for you it felt real, then gradually you begin to be ever so slightly removed from your actions and though you feel powerless to stop them you begin to question them?, but then you go through a different stage of being ever so slightly aware of the pain you are causing yourself, so now this is the first time you know the outcome of your actions only bring about pain where as before you were only dead set on repeating the insanity hoping for a different result, but though you now know its pain that happens you still do it..then you move onto another stage or needing to continue to do "it" to watch, to see if you can find a way to quit it?, but though your still repeating, your doing it from a different level of the onion?, its almost like your stuck in pergatory, feeling like your stuck behind a glass wall and not able to reach outside....then you begin to realise that you are infact being driven, where is before you believed you were the driver? thats when it gets real freaky...but you know you've got to learn this on the way to the solution? Does this make sense?

It makes sense.

What is hard for me to make sense of is the repeated falling back...

You have an intense perspective. I hope that you continue toward the light.

Very good accounting of the process of healing there, imo.

Trauma changes your brain...and the longer one takes to begin to work to counter it, the more likely the more bad habits of coping and otherwise illogical thinking will set in.

It does seem cyclic, in a way, imo. You almost feel you are back to square one, but you aren't really because you do have more "real" knowledge. It's as if you are peeling an onion...and you can see where you were and where you are "nearly" in the same place but not.

I don't think it sounds 'stuck' but that this is just a time of living with the awareness of what happens, how, why, and seeing the result(s).

Change can't come without awareness and once aware we can no longer do the same old same old that we did with innocent ignorance.

It is kind of frustrating but also kind of fun to notice things and even when the awareness comes later, after the fact. It can be maddening too, to realize.. Damn, I just did it again!

sky, Yes illogical thinking! I like that.

Echoes, yeah I guess I thought I was stuck when I wrote this post, but your right, i'm not stuck, perhaps its when you feel stuck is when your most aware and actually already working through it.

For me, when doing the work I am "in it" and that can feel stuck/like a rut and I only realize it's not when I'm looking at it from a wider perspective and considering it instead of "doing" it but there's a routine set up so I work a bit, ponder a bit, etc.

But with a lot of my symptoms, they made me feel crazy, as you say, when I worked with them so I kind of quit looking at them at all, just ignored them, and as my insides got more healthy the symptoms kind of dropped off or became less annoying. My major one I started therapy for in 1970 and had had since I was 2 or 3, didn't go away until around 2003-2004 but it literally just went away. I can remember agonizing about it in the 1970's and trying to imagine my life without it (and failing to imagine that because it was time consuming and I couldn't imagine what else I'd be doing?), etc.

mouse - i think i think it makes sense. you're talking in "non-real-speak" but that is the language i know. so i think i understand you clear.

yes I am speaking "non-real-speak" thank you!

(((Mouse_))))
i think you are working your way threw it