[hangingon]

I was diagnosed with complex PTSD a few months back due to childhood SA. The crazy thing is I have been fine for years.
I did go through a stage of extreme anxiety and panic attacks in my early teen years, to the point I could not even leave my home. It was living He*l.

My parents didn't get it and never took me for help, so I basically dealt with it alone. It took about two years of coxing myself and I was finally able to do it, gained the confidence I needed to talk myself out of things and to just go for it. I was finally able to leave my home, now you can't keep me in the house

Anyways, its been years since I have had a panic attack ect...but last semester I had taken a required psychology class and things really started brewing. All kinds of stuff from my past that I had never talked about with anyone, started surfacing.

I kept going...... trying to push it out of my mind but I couldn't do it any longer. I started feeling really down and out. I finally made the decision to see a counselor for the first time in my life. I was freaked about it but I did it.

It took a few weeks before I was finally able to tell my counselor about one of the incidents.....and then it started, I started to feel this panic again......I kept telling myself, I can't do this, I can't go through this again.....after having a panic attack, I talked to my therapist about it.
All the anxiety was causing my grades to go down....so my therapist decided to lay off of the sex*al a*use talk and deal with other issues in the process. It worked, I actually did much better on the following exam.

Now I am done. I take my last final exam on Monday.....and I am so worried about having to start dealing with the Sex*ual a*use again. I don't want to end up worse off. I have begun to have nightmares again ect....
I don't take meds though my school counselor and my psychology teacher thought I should, that it would make the therapy process easier. I still don't feel comfortable with the idea of taking meds...so I haven't....especially seeing I was able to deal with panic before without meds...though it did take some time. I have not had a panic attack since we stopped talking about the SA......but it scares me into not wanting to talk about it.
I know I have to deal with it.......but I don't know why I am so scared, I am a stinking adult for goodness sake.....why can't I just get over it an let it out.......WHY AM I SO AFRAID

Hanging on

[BrnEyedGrl]

Oh I really feel that you will know when the time is right to discuss this very difficult topic. If you need more time, take it. Go at your own comfortable pace so in the end you still be that healthy person. (Although, I don't have a problem with taking meds, but if you don't want to end up going that route, you may need more time!)

I hope it all works out for you. I know there are things in my past that I would need to work on, but for the moment I feel okay and Im sticking with that for now!!!

WHY AM I SO AFRAID

It'll be okay hangingon,

Be gentle with yourself and try not to go too fast. The fear is all part of the process. No one wants to go and revisit a painful past. There is a lot of dark issues that need to be looked at when we've spent our whole lives pushing it away. There is a lot of loss that has to be mourned and you'll want to avoid it at all costs. Your T will help you in the pacing and processing of it.

I always liken it to walking over hot coals. You get halfway there and your feet burn so much you run back to the start to cool them off.

But if you keep at it, the day will come when you are halfway over the coals and instead of turning back, you run ahead and realize you don't have to go back to the beginning and feel the intense pain anymore.

[hangingon]

Thanks orange and girl

I dont know what it is such an issue for me, its not like Its happening now......I just find it really hard to talk about.....as of now I have only informed her through writing about my first full incident as of now.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( hangingon )))))))))))))))))))))
It might be a good idea to talk to your T about your fears, my T allows traumatic issues to surface when I am ready and I really like that approach.

[hangingon]

Thanks gimmiece

I just feel like I want to gt it all out in the open to be over with it as soon as I can. My T does't force me to do anything.

She said she was very honored when I had shared my first full incident with her, I then said well, I forced myself to do it, just kept telling myself say its stupid just say it, just get it out, and I did.....
I found myself being mad at myself after doing it, if that makes sense, but how is she going to know if I don't just let it out.

Hanging on

[(JD)]

Please know that you will not have to work through every item of any abuse. The brain is a marvelous thing, and once you have worked through enough to retrain your brain how things really are and what things were, it will automatically file away much of the remaining traumatic experiences, and they won't bother you as these are now. They won't "go away" but be "filed" so that if you choose to take it out, review it, and put it back again, you can.

Your unconscious continues to work on things for you, so you don't have to rush and dig up everything at once. Slower is faster as you just found out... going too fast will cause great interruptions in your normal life, and is not a good thing.

[hangingon]

My therapist also told me that I don't have to remember everything or deal with every memory.
She also mentioned what you had that going to fast is not really healthy because I have to learn how to process the information.
I think dealing with it urks me which is why I'd like to get it over with.

Unconscious work......well perhaps that explains the crazy nightmares I have been having lately, I hadn't had them in years, now they happen often.....I can usually talk myself into settling down pretty quickly after, though last night I woke up from one and it took a bit to figure out where I was, hadn't had that happen before....
The process certainly isn't all that enjoyable

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_Sky said:

Please know that you will not have to work through every item of any abuse. The brain is a marvelous thing, and once you have worked through enough to retrain your brain how things really are and what things were, it will automatically file away much of the remaining traumatic experiences, and they won't bother you as these are now. They won't "go away" but be "filed" so that if you choose to take it out, review it, and put it back again, you can.


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Thanks for explaining this, Sky. My T has told me that we won't have to do this work with every single trauma, but I never understood why. Actually, I'm not sure I even believed him! This makes sense to me and give me a little hope.

[hangingon]

Earth,
I wondered the same thing when I heard it. It made me feel as though I had to keep hiding some things, which made me feel uncomfortable at first ,as that was the whole reason I was going, to deal with this stuff.
I felt as if someone was telling me to pretend it never happend, something I pretty much told myself throughout my life, just to cope. I didn't want to keep doing that

But I understand now