[onlymedid]

For the first time ever I had a flashback that hit me so hard, emotionally, that I was sobbing and couldn't breathe. I was watching myself being chased around, caught and then dragged around by my hair by my step-mother. I was so scared, it was sooooo real at the time. I think it was Jo-Jo (my alter) that was being chased, but she won't tell me about it. That poor little me. I wanted to help so badly. I wanted to beat the crap out of my step-mom. I was very angry and very scared.

I am afraid to go to sleep as I don't want to dream about it.
I am so afraid of my mind....I hate it.

Blah, anyway...you don't have to respond if you don't want to. I know I have been gone a few weeks and you all probably don't even remember me. I guess I just really needed to vent.

Thanks if you read this far.

BJ

[Clandestine]

That has happened to me before. I HATED IT. I wish I can shove it off, but I can't ;[ Well, I wish you're doing better now. And it's okay to vent. That's what like half of PC members does anyway lol. This is the only place I know where you aren't judged wrongly for venting ;]

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

((( onlymedid )))

I'm sorry that happened. It just plain sucks. We're here to listen.

Something that has helped me with these nightmares is changing their ending.

T works with me on it, kinda like "if you as the "adult" could go back there, what would be the very first thing you'd do."

And then I rewrite the ending by saying "I'd grab the little me and rush her out of the room."

T asks stuff like "and how would that make her feel?"

"Loved." And then I'll cry because if only that could've happened.

But then I go back and kick the living crap out of the person.

It really does help. It gives me some power and control back.

[freespirit1980]

My heart does go out to you. My childhood has been following me in my head for a long time. I can't seem to get rid of it. I honestly wish I could rewrite it. Better yet, I wish I could have been born at 17.

I haven't spoken to my parents for 30 out the last 35 years. I found out my had passed away five years ago from a website, and it didn't even bother me. I ignore Mother's and Father's Day every year.

For many years, I had built a fairly stable adult life and was able to stay in the present. But after two near death experience in 1994, I have fallen apart and it has never been the same since.

Just hang on baby. You do have friends here!

"For many years, I had built a fairly stable adult life and was able to stay in the present. But after two near death experience in 1994, I have fallen apart and it has never been the same since."

freespirit, something similar happened to me. I maintained a very stable adult life until the two deaths of my brothers ages 38 and 42. I fell hard from the highest point in my life and smashed into fragments. I am trying hard to glue myself back together.

Onlymedid, I hope you don't mind that I hijacked for a minute.

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((( onlymedid )))))))))))))))))
I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time, I hope it gets better for you soon.

[MINIME]

Im sorry. I know how u feel. The same thing happened to me (hair pulling) by a step father. I know how bad they feel (flashbacks). I draw them and put them in a box until I see my emdr therapist. It doesnt stop the flashbacks it just gives me a place to put the feelings.

stephanie

[(JD)]

Ugh.

Be sure to think good thoughts and fun things before bedtime, so your brain will focus on them and not what you don't want to dream about.

It will pass. Flashbacks tend to ebb and flow.

[onlymedid]

Thanks! You all have great ideas.

Clandestine - Thanks, I am really thankful that I can come here and not be judged and get the support that I so need sometimes.

Orange_blossom - That sounds like a great idea about changing the dreams. I think I will try it out and see how it works.
Don't worry, you can hijack my thread...I don't mind! :P

Freespirit1980 - I totally understand about wanting to rewrite the past. I would rather not have lived it at all, sometimes. Then I think about it and I wouldn't be the person I am today without having gone through it. I try to put a positive twist on it, since I can't change it.

Sky and Gimmeice - Thank you for the support. It means a lot and does help.

Stephanie - Putting the feelings and flashbacks in a box is a great idea. I think I am going to try that, too. So you just draw what you feel and then place them into a box?

Thanks,
BJ

[MINIME]

Thinking about you today. The question about the box.Here is what I do. I have a wooden box I got at a craft store. When I have a flashaback or horriable feeling I draw or write it on a peice of paper and put it in the box. Then when I see my emdr therapist she empties it. If I want to talk about it we do. If not she puts them in a file in her desk.

[Kiya]

i like that idea. i sort of made one but it's out of paper and can only hold scraps of paper. I like how you take her the box and *she* empties it.

((((bj, jo jo))))) I too have had my hair pulled - twice; in the shower by my grandmonster, and my mom.

i was gonna say sommthing but i's switchning now and have no idea what it was. gah....
we've done that rewrite the ending thing on one of the really bad flashbacks. me n kiya read harry potter all the time. she had us do that "spell" from book three with the boggart and change the fear into something funny. so we but the bad dream in the wardrobe, and made him different. the baddy was revealed and we laughted at him.

[skeksi]

Oh, wow, Kiya, I rewrote a flashback using the Patronus spell from Harry Potter, too ("Expecto Patronum!"). In my visualization, I shot an animal out of my arm that stunned my attacker so I could run away.