[Tinna]

Ok...so I'm 22yrs old...and tired of holding everything in. I was sexually, phsyically, and mentally abused by my father for 14yrs. To top things off...my mother let the abuse go on. Then after they broke up ...she became a drunk and would tell me how much she hated me..and how it was all my fault. She made me feel so worthless and unloved. I would beg her...please get me help! She would also tell me...I didn't need any help. Well I recently started treatment..and wrote my parents a letter (left it n the mailbox)...telling them how much...I am hurting and suffering. My father out of the picture...But my mother...called my sister up...(my sister swears she was never abused...she is also younger then me) My mother was mad...MAD...and still blaming me...why???

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( Tinna ))))))))))))))
I am sorry that your mother blames you, it is not your fault.

Hi Tinna,

I'm so sorry you were put through all that. The abuse is in itself a monster to deal with but add the "family in denial" factor in and, well, yikes.

I know my mother lives in her own little world of denial. Maybe that's what's going on with yours. Maybe it's misdirected anger. Sometimes mothers would rather think their child is lying rather than think the person/people they love could do such ghastly things.

My mother's drinking was just salt in the wounds.

Glad you're here. I hope we can help.

[Clandestine]

I'm sorry to hear this, Tinna. I was abused too.
Hey I don't know the feeling about being sexually abused by by own father... It must've been hell. ;[

I hope PC can help you in a way. We're here. Try focusing on positive things.. it's hard. But you have to do it for your own sake.

Try talking to your mother too when she's sober.

<font color="purple">Clandestine</font>

[pachyderm]

Pretty brave thing to do in the first place, I think: to write a letter. Something I never would have done.

((((((((((((Tinna)))))))))))

very similar to my story ...... i wrote to my mother and she decided instead ofaccepting everything to stay out of my life ... she is in denial too... she let it carry on ... she was having an affairwith a pdoc who abused me...8 - 15/16 years old...pmmeif you ever need to talk, my heart goes out to you, you are very brave..... love,Kerry xoxoxoxox(jinny)

[dunnit260]

Yes, you are brave. I hope the future is bright for you. Do you believe writing the note was better than a face to face talk?

[(JD)]

I know writing those notes is therapeutic, but giving them is another matter. It's ok that you did, though.

Of course your mother would be mad. You said why in your own post: she knows she was supposed to take care of you. Your "accusation" (to her) of your dad means she didn't do her job.

At least now you've told them you aren't in denial, and have thrown the ball into her court.

Stay safe.

[Tinna]

Writing that note...changed my life...I feel so much better..I never would of been able to talk to my mother...She would have NEVER listened. So I am very proud of myself... for what I have done!!! Part of me still feels sad tho....Sad that ...she hasn't said sorry...Is that dumb??

[dunnit260]

Sometimes the bigger the pain, the harder it is for the guilty to apologize. Especially if they perceive the pain is over and you don't.

There are many stories of mothers making selfish decisions when it comes to the safety/care of their daughters, especially if they have attachment issues and will choose to hang on to a man regardless of what he has done. See Bastard out of Carolina or Woman Thou Art Loosed, both movies deal with that topic. I don't know if you can handle seeing these movies (I had a hard time getting through Bastard out of Carolina, which is a true story. The absolute hardest scene in Woman Thou Art Loosed is when the mother accuses the daughter of flirting with the abuser to make him rape her. Tears galore.) The movies provide insight into the mentality of mothers who just don't want to be alone and are embarrased or feel horrible to be single. Unfortunately, they may see their daughters as a threat.

You are not alone.

(((((((((((Tinna))))))))))))))

no it's not dumb to be sad ... i am grieving over a mother who is still alive and doesn't give a damn ... it is a mother figure i am grieving for ... not her. I wrote her a letter too, i could not have faced her with it all, and she HAS said sorry, but empty words mean nothing, i hope you will be able to get on with your life, please know i am here for you, similar stories ....

hgs, Kerry /Jinny xoxoxoxo

[Tinna]

I'll have to watch that movie...I go monday to fill out the police report...im so scared...does anyone have any advice??? I know I'm doing the right thing. Something inside we keeps telling me...to do the police report and that things are gonna work out. That my life is going to be ok!! So wish me luck...and plz if anyone has any advice...I'm here to listen!