[lady2B]

<font color="blue"> </font> I feel like my world is falling apart. This summer during a meditative type imagery exercise with my T, I was bombarded with a memory of when I was raped. I was so overwhelmed by pain that I couldn't even tell my T about it. On the way home, I suffered such severe flashbacks and got lost. I was having a panic attack and had to pull over twice because I got physically sick. At that point, I didn't know whether I wanted to make it home. I finally did make it and have since been working on this with my T.

I was 15 and was riding my bike to my Gramma's and was raped by 4 men. I never told anyone about it because one of them said they would kill my Gramma if I did. I somehow buried that so deeply that when it came up again, I feel like I'm reliving parts of that terrible day every day. I have lost 30 lbs and have a lot of trouble sleeping and dream that they are in my bedroom, but it doesn't seem like a dream. I feel as though I am wide awake. I have been so sad and my marriage is suffering because of this. It has been 3 months since all this came up and I see my T weekly, which helps, but I feel so alone in this pain because I still can't talk about what happened to anyone but my T. Has anyone else gone through something similar, and if so, did you ever get back to "living" again? Thanks for listening .........

lady2B,

You've only been working on this in therapy for three months....give yourself some time! What you experienced at 15 is beyond the realm of what is normal for a teenage child. Holding that silence all these years must have been horrible. Talking now might seem more horrible.

One thing that I've observed firsthand with survivor friends that I know is that the ones who are able to attend a facilitated survivor group 'normalize' their experience faster than those that do not. This is only my observation of perhaps ten people over the years.

If you want to PM me please do. My experience at 14 was horrifying and I did not tell for many years. I'm not great at linking in this place but I posted a thread about it in the dissociation forum titled--how many years before you told. Even though I was asking with a slant toward dissociation the question is a valid one for exploring why we are as we are.

Be extra gentle with yourself. You're in the midst of some courageous healing work. This journey will take as long as it takes. There are many people who are willing to help support you along the way.

Thanks for reaching out.

[lady2B]

Thanks Ozzie for your hug and thanks Dalila and zenhussy for responding. Your replies were helpful. My T is looking into different types of therapy, and has said that maybe I would feel more comfortable with a woman T or someone who specializes in this type of trauma. But I don't want to start over with anyone else and I trust him, so hopefully we can do this together. He said that dissociation and repression has been a big thing with me and I know that he is right about that. I barely have any childhood memories at all and find that I have few memories of my precious daughter who died from a brain tumor when she was 4. I guess that in shutting down the bad memories, I've also lost many good memories too. I know I'm rambling on so I think I'll sign off and head over to the dissociation forum and look at your link Zen. Thanks for sharing and......caring.

[SweetCrusader]

Lady,

*safe hugs* if you want them.

I'm sad for you that such a horrible thing happened to you. Give yourself time to heal, ok? Three months is NOT a very long time to be in therapy. In fact, it's pretty impressive that this memory has resurfaced at all yet if you ask me! You're doing just fine, and you will find your way through this. Hang in there. And post any time you need someone to "talk" to about it.

Take care,
Angela

lady2B,

I think the fact that you trust your therapist and want to try to do this work with him is extremely admirable. He sounds accomodating and willing to find a workable path with you. That is promising!!

It is entirely normal to lack childhood memories after such a horrific trauma.

(((lady2B))) I am very sorry about the loss of your daughter so young. Of course shutting down the bad memories makes it more difficult to have room for the good.

You aren't rambling at all. You're making perfect sense.

Please look around the forums and search the archives and you'll find that you are far from alone in what you experienced and how you've dealt with it.

I'm available for contact should you have any questions.

It is easy to care for another who has survived what no child/person should ever have to endure. It is in learning to open your heart to others in that situation that you might begin to open your heart to your own little girl inside who shut down and was silent for all these years.

I grieve for all that you lost by such a terrifying experience. I am proud for all that you have accomplished and survived through in order to be in this very place now.

You've survived and you're now facing the healing work. Many here can understand more than you might think.

[(JD)]

I agree with zh: it takes time. You are doing fine, from what I can tell. Sure, it's tough (therapy is hard work, if you're doing it right)...

Keep your T... and continue to talk about it as you need to. You have told others... you've told us. No, maybe not the whole story (and if you choose to do that, be sure to use the "trigger" icon in case others aren't as far along in their journey as you.)...but you did tell us too.

This is a terrible thing that happened.. the true definition of PTSD in it being an overwhelming event, something we are unable to fully grasp or handle...

with any traumatic experience (including the death of a friend or relative that was "expected") the person working through it needs to tell the story over and over... to reframe how it is categorized in the brain. Finally, it will become filed in the correct place, and while still accessible, won't be intruding like it currently is.

Try to remind yourself that it isn't happening now...that when you are in your T's office and working on it, you are in a safe place... and able to view the whole experience. Obviously you are ready, or your brain (unconscience) wouldn't be allowing you to recall it even now.

Hang in there.

[lady2B]

Angela, Sky, and Zen....reading these posts by you has warmed my heart tremendously....you are all so very wise. I hope that someday I will be in a place where you all are and that I will have your kind of wisdom and caring heart. Although I almost didn't post this experience, I'm glad I did. Just sharing it with you has lifted some of my burden, it is a hard journey when you go it alone...........thanks for your hugs, I really felt them!

[SweetCrusader]

in that case,

*more hugs* keep talking to us anytime...