[SeptemberMorn]

Can't say as I've ever had a flashback. I'm not sure what they're like. Do you actually see the abusive situation going on, as if going back in time, or is it just the same feelings happening now that happened then?

Some of my PTSD could very possibly go back to my childhood in the fact that somehow I learned to keep my mouth shut. It didn't do me any good to say what was going on or how I felt. Then I jumped from the frying pan into the fire when I married to get out of the house. The creature I married was 10,000 times worse that the old crone that made my life miserable.

Turns out he's scizophrenic but I didn't know it at the time. I didn't even know about mental illness except the word "crazy". He was very controlling and very abusive to me and then to our children. When my oldest boy now was three, I kicked the creature out of the house, but the abuse to us didn't stop for some time. Did I say this was 35 yrs ago and his wife is still badmouthing me??

In the last couple of weeks, I heard that this creature's present wife told my youngest son that the creature is scizophrenic because *I* am scizophrenic and that I made him that way. She claims that I am to blame, too, for my daughter's Borderline Personality Disorder.

Well, I'm NOT scizophrenic and to have the illness, there needs to be another in the family. It's familial. The creature and I are not relatives, thank God!! As far as I know, the only mental illness in my family is Depression/Anxiety.

So now... I'm remembering some of the abuses perpetrated upon me and my daughter by her sperm donor. I feel the rage and the helplesness I felt back then. Is that a flashback? I can remember details but I'm not "seeing" it happen again.

Here's a question for some you who are in the profession of psychology. It's a very vivid memory I have. At about the age of five, my daughter confided in me that at night she could see the "specter" of her dad standing in the doorway of her bedroom giving her an evil glare so that she wouldn't pee the bed. She had very few accidents as I was potty training her and I don't recall the creature ever giving her a bad time about them but I can't swear to it because he did so much without me knowing it. Would her "hallucinating" be part of her Borderline at that young age, or was it terror on her part? She wouldn't call out to me when she had these because she was afraid to see me "walk through him" as I went into her bedroom. Or was he really there??

Most of his abusiveness to me was to make me think I had said something I hadn't or that I had done something I hadn't. He would ask me what I had just said when I hadn't opened my mouth. He would tell me I had no right to say or feel things and if I insisted, I'd get a backhand across the mouth.

He controlled me beyond measure. He would know when I would go somewhere because he could tell the car was moved, even if I left something on the ground to tell me where to place the tires. He would check the odometer or he would find me wherever I had gone, not to mention that he would call several times a day to check on me. Now I know why he called; to make sure I was home so he could meet his various and sundry girlfriends he had on the side. I didn't know this, however, until after I divorced him.

Ok... I can't deal with this anymore at this point. I'm going to jump out of my skin if I don't do something!

If anyone has overcome their PTSD or if they have found a way to successfully get it under control, would you please let me know?? AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

flashbacks.. for me are more of a "slam/dunk"... probably different for everyone...

example.. was hit by a truck.. crossing the street... about 20 years ago..

present time.. walked across street.. slipped fell... in middle of street.. and.. went into shock... crawled.. to sidewalk... and fireman.. thought I had.. head injury.. wasn't hurt.. had "flashed back"... to previous time...so couldn't tell my name.. or anything... cause I was "back".. with the sounds.. the feelings... of the previous... time... a "slam/dunk"....unexpected.. normally.. a person.. that slipped and fell.. would just get up... and be fine...but the flashback...

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Freewill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thanks, Hon. I'm not quite "back there". Maybe because it wasn't so much physical as it was mental and emotional? I don't know. I definitely understand what you're saying, though. How horrible for you!

I did just read up on Bordeline. No, I didn't cause my daughter to have it.

sept

Ptsd to me is a flash from the past. Sometimes I think i have control of it
then wham otta the blue it apears
As in my thread Otta the blue....
I can see when it happens my parents faces as they were passing. It has gotten much better.
I have a issue with accidents too ((cars)) as i was in one over 18 years ago. If you read my thread you will see. It does freeze you so to speak. Maybe only seconds..But in my mind it seems along time.
Your Dr can help you decide if you have this. My dr was a great help
Muffy

[Sannah]

Hi September, I had anxiety and I would have feelings triggered by certain situations. I didn't have any incident in my past that I was referring to either. I just grew up feeling insecure because of my family and any number of situations would trigger a feeling of insecurity and bring back my feelings from the past. It sounds like this might be what you are doing but you are thinking of a specific incident from the past and the feelings are coming back with it. My vote is that it is not a flashback but this is only my opinion.

Sounds like you are trying to sort out your past in your mind? Is this the first time that you have been in a "place" where you could look back? Remember, you only have to settle the past in your own mind. You do not have to convince others to see it from your point of view. If you try to get others to see your point of view it will suck all of your energy away from you. Others have the right to believe what they want. The only opinion that matters on this, is yours. Please try to feel confident in what you believe.

I have read up on BPD before. The best explanation that I have ever read is that you take a very sensitive child and place her in a non-validating environment. In other words, her environment was not responding to her needs. Now everyone has different needs. Some kids need very little and survive the worst environments. Other kids need a lot of support even in the best of environments. I have one very sensitive child. I have to help her all the time with how to deal with others and her environment. My other daughter is very tough. She can survive anything. She doesn't need as much support. I am a stay-at-home mom, with have a nice, problem-free, stable life and I have tons of time for my kids and I have a knack for listening and helping and it is hard for me to help my daughter to adjust to the world sometimes. If your daughter had the stress of her father's illness and this illness would unsettle the whole family by having the family revolve around him, it is no wonder that she had trouble.

[Typo]

Septembermorn, I think flashbacks can be feelings too, I don't always get images or got directly back to the car accident I was in, sometimes I hear tires squeal and it brings makes me get really confused and brings back the feelings of extreme anxiety and fear. ((((((Septembermorn))))))) I hope you are feeling better.

[SeptemberMorn]

My heartfelt thanks to all of you. There's a little bit of me in every one of your posts.

Have any of you tried to disarm that trigger so that stuff doesn't bother you as badly? If so, what have you done?

What I've done is read up on scizophrenia and BPD just so that I KNOW. It wasn't me that could have possibly caused the BPD in my daughter. She was very sensitive, yes, and I had to explain a lot of things to her to get her through difficult situations. The sperm donor was the one that told her the same thing he would tell me "You have no right to feel that way... that's stupid!" There were other similar abuses but I won't get into them now. I think I said enough in my first post. :icon_redface:

Thank you all, too, for reading through so much. I don't usually make posts so long. But I really want to work through this if at all possible.

[CedarS]

Originally Posted by SeptemberMorn

Have any of you tried to disarm that trigger so that stuff doesn't bother you as badly? If so, what have you done?

My experience of PTSD has improved quite a bit over the years. My frequency of being triggered has decreased immensely also.

Some things that work for me:

Talk therapy, plenty of time to talk things through with a good therapist, time to develop and understand the story of what happened to me, time to make choices and develop new skills

Experience, habit change, practice practice practice

A willingness to experiment and discard what doesn't work without beating myself up about it, while continuing what does work

Strong focus on what soothes and distracts me in a healthy way

Honoring my feelings without throwing more fuel on the painful ones

An example: for several years I lived in an apartment complex where police often had to respond, sometimes I had to make calls myself, I'd find myself hypervigilant and triggered each time I saw them. I'd pace, I wouldn't be able to stop watching whatever traumatic thing was going on, I was upset and often crying, it would affect me for quite awhile after.

I determined that all my feelings were okay and I also wanted to be easier on myself. I noticed that I tended to hold my breath when triggered so I practiced slowing and deepening my breathing, that helped.

I practiced telling myself helpful things like:

"I've done the best I could. I called the police, they are the proper authorities for this situation. My door is locked, windows closed, I am safe. They don't need my help with this and the best thing I can do to help myself and everyone else is to take good care of myself.

So......have I eaten recently? Feeling shaky from low blood sugar won't help me deal with the current situation. I can eat some crackers and have some milk. Okay.

I can watch a little of what is going on but only if I remember to keep breathing in a relaxed fashion. I notice my heart is pounding faster, I feel scared, and I feel on hyper alert.

Okay. I have a good book I am reading, I can relax back in my bedroom away from the triggers and distract myself. Later I can take a relaxing shower. Maybe watching light TV would be fun."

Taught myself how to deal with nightmares, I imagine going back into the nightmare and I change the circumstances to good outcomes for me

Exercise

When I can focusing on what I am grateful for and what I've done successfully - this can even be something as simple as managing to brush my teeth!

Staying away from people who live dramatic whipped up crisis filled lives

Remembering that this too shall pass, I've survived this before

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by SeptemberMorn

Have any of you tried to disarm that trigger so that stuff doesn't bother you as badly? If so, what have you done?

I would notice that I was triggered and then tell myself that I am safe now and that my feelings are just from the past and the past doesn't exist anymore except in my mind. I would focus on the now and how great it is. Every time I was triggered I would do this and my past feelings would be triggered less and less until I couldn't be triggered anymore. I think of it as just retraining my nervous system.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{Cedar and Sannah}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} You guys are wonderful! Thanks for sharing what you've done to help yourselves! I'll be practicing what you have done.

ThankYouThankYouThankYou! :Heart:

[pachyderm]

People might be interested in this newspaper article on some research about how the brain produces memories. It might be related to flashbacks:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/05/sc...5brain.html?hp

[skeksi]

I can watch a little of what is going on but only if I remember to keep breathing in a relaxed fashion. I notice my heart is pounding faster, I feel scared, and I feel on hyper alert.

Cedar, that's an excellent strategy that has helped me manage triggers, flashbacks, and my hypervigilance. Mindfulness is an incredibly useful tool for coping with and reducing our fear and other symptoms. Being able to detach (but not dissociate) somewhat from the experiences helps me feel safer and more in control, which reduces the symptoms and makes them easier to get through.

[SweetSunshine]

Tomi~

I have had those freezing moments and the feelings to go along with them with my PTSD. Both of them I have learned to work thru. The feelings, I let myself go ahead and feel what i need to. I dont try to stop them. Thats what my abusers would want me to do. I try to keep note either on paper or in my mind what I am feeling and then work on it from there. That way if it happens again, I can deal with it better. The freezing moments, I just do some deep breathing , and try to stay in the moment ( grounding) Remnding myself I am in control not anyone else.

As far as the creatures wife, the thing that popped in my mind about her. Is that she is after you so much because she is jealous of you that you got out of the situation, and she's not been able to. Obviously, the abuse of the creature is something she's also learned from and thinks its ok to do that. I dont think she knows any different than what she is living with. Not trying to make excuses for her mind you. Just feel it is what it is.

I wish you all the best in working thru this. Always here for you should you need to talk.

[SeptemberMorn]

Bethy, what you suggest is good for sudden panic attacks for me. When I get triggered, I'm into it before I realize it. My over reaction is what startles me but up to now, I haven't been able to stop myself. The over reaction can take days or even weeks to show itself. That's what I hate the most. The repressing of the feelings, then the feelings simmering on the back burner and suddenly, anything that resembles something out of the past marriage and the hypervigilance starts and it's like I expect something to happen!

I've been doing some research for the last week and I've set my mind at ease about some things, especially that I did NOT cause my daughter to develop BPD. It's uncanny how this xxxxx knows right where to land her blows. That particular piece of information won't trigger me any more.

My talk with John sunk in and he now realizes that he can't just let this woman talk. As long as he doesn't shut her up, she'll continue to spew her poison on him. David flat won't listen to her, to his sperm donor or to his sister when they want to talk about me.

I'll be posting the work I'm going through to disarm this and other triggers. I've realized that as long as I react, I'm still being controlled and victimized. Nu Uh! Not me! No more!

You know I'll get in touch with you if I need to talk things out. You can count on that, Sweety!

:Heart:

[SeptemberMorn]

First, I wrote down very specifically the change I want to make in my life. But before I could get specific, I had to start with general statements. I put these down on paper so I could stay on track, then I started crossing out the extraneous stuff. Did some research along the way.

At times, I had to work backwards to find the root of the problem; like pulling a big weed. You can try to pull the whole root but sometimes that root breaks. If you don't want that weed to grow again, you dig around where the weed came out and you find the part that broke off, then you make sure you get all of that.

The thick part of the root that came up was from the 12 yrs I spent in an abusive marriage but there were some other roots that got left behind so I dug them up. Then it was time to start identifying those roots. Some I'm having to actually disect.

Before the first marriage, there was a tremendous lack of trust on the part of my mother. I learned to be rebellious in order to protect myself and because I knew I wasn't "bad" like I was believed to be.

There was the root that was the abuse from my childhood and then the lack of protection and validation. There was also the learned response to keep my mouth shut; to keep things to myself because it wouldn't do any good to say anything, anyway. I wasn't believed.

All of these smaller roots have also become triggers but tend to either get lumped together or the PTSD reaction isn't nearly as intense.
Still disecting the smaller roots to make sure there is nothing I leave behind.

Hope that by posting what I'm doing to disarm my triggers, I can help others do the same to theirs. I really do believe that the abuse and victimization continues as long as you hang on to your triggers and use them as excuses and/or reasons for some behaviors.

I don't want to be vicitmized any more! And I certainly do want to be the best ME that I can be. By reacting to triggers, I can cause pain in others and that's the last thing I want to do.

:Heart:

[SeptemberMorn]

Just thought I'd let you know that I have unwittingly gone through most of the steps outlined to overcome at least one source of triggering for me. I've got three more steps... well, not complete steps, because again, I knew that I had to do one of them, 6. Forgive others and yourself, before I could finally be free so I've been working on it. The two steps remaining are;

7. Plan your most powerful future.
8. Take positive action. Change does not come without action.

My most powerful future right now, is to not be triggered by what my ex or his wife say or think about me. That also involves the same behavior in others, whether they know my triggers or not. The grounding techniques posted as a sticky on this forum can work wonders!

So far, I'm not sure of what action to take, but I've gone through the first five steps so quickly that I'm going to allow myself time on the last one.

TRIGGER - MUFFY, I understand the terrible trigger left by being present at your parents' passing. Nursing my mother through her strokes and sitting with her as she slowly passed on left a huge trigger with me. As a result, I don't visit people in hospitals. Maybe one of these days I'll make a visit to a convalescent home just to see what happens. I used to make these visits before my mom became ill. I tried it once after her passing and never did it again.

[ColorMeSunny]

SeptemberMorn,

I too was in an incredibly felonious abusive relationship for 6 years. It took me 2.5 years to get out safe. It's been just over 18 months. I was Dx with Chronic Post Trumatic Stress about 15 months ago.

The flashbacks hit you like a train wreck or a wave. Something, anything remotely reminding you of something unpleasant gets in your head and it won't let you go.
I'd had flashbacks in therapy that my therapist actually witnessed me literally transform into him. I was taking about a time I was on the floor and he had a knife at my throat. My therapist said that I turned my head to the corner, looked at the floor and not only was I reliving it, and took on his personality.

I continue to suffer from flashbacks however with cognitive thinking I am able to work thru them; then at other times it will still literally put me down for the whole day....as in not functioning and if you happen to cross me I'll either cry like a baby or say some very disturbing things about you.

I suggest seeking some help, for I thought I could handle it alone, I couldn't.

Do your research and continue to be active in this group for all of your collective experiences are similiar yet different.

Peace Be With You,
SUNNY