Some advice please

My Pdoc told me that I have PTSD several months ago, but I didn't research it&he didn't explain what it was or what to expect. I've done enough research now that I know what it is&what the symptoms are, but I don't know how to procede. I'm angry all of the time, depressed all of the time-my meds&therapy aren't working. My bf pushes all of my buttons until I'm extremely agitated&I can't leave because I have no where to go&no money to do it with. I have no friends or family who will take me in. I'm just starting to get on these message boards to try to learn how to cope&no one has told me any coping skills, just "I'm sorry that's what is happening to you." How do you stop being angry all of the time? How do you stop being sad all of the time? I also have bipolar. I also don't know how to deal w/my bf. How can I get him to stop pushing all of my buttons&yelling at me-both of which are triggers for me. I've told him what's wrong w/his behavior but he won't acccept any responsibility. He just screamed at me "You are always accusing me of victimizing you!" Well, isn't he when he keeps playing head games&yelling? He doesn't try to understand even though we've attended therapy together to work out our problems. One of MY problems is I give all of my power away-that's how I was raised-you do what I say or you'll get beaten&verbally&emotionally attacked. I just go along with whatever he says because otherwise we'll end up in another argument where it's all my fault&he just does whatever he wants to anyway. For instance, he'll ask me what I want for dinner, give me several choices, I tell him what I want, then he comes &says doesn't x sound better? In other words I didn't pick what he wanted for dinner. Why is he even asking me? He never listens to me, lies to me constantly "I love you"&lays all blame for any problem I'm having on me. How is everything always my fault? If I complain about something he either starts yelling at me or gets mad at me for complaining. Everyone complains sometimes. Why can't I? In my last therapy session he essentially sat there&told my doc about how I'd written him a letter saying my anger/problems w/PTSD weren't his fault&he's OK w/it now because I don't blame him for any of out relationship problems. It takes 2 to tango-which was also in the letter, but he neglected to mention that. He also claimed that he does ALL of the housework&he doesn't. I clean up the kitchen even when I wasn't the one eating. I fold all of his clothes when he gets around to throwing them in the washer-I have to put them in the dryer, I dust, I clean the bathroom, I clean out the cat boxes twice a week, I take out the trash&getthe recycling together&wash all of the towels&sheets. He vacuums once every 2 months&scrubs out the shower/tub because I can't do those things w/out hurting my back. So now I have to go back to my doc&tell him he lied. Who's my doc going to believe? I'm just sick of being attacked&angry&sad all of the time. Does anyone have some advice considering my financial situation&the fact that I still care about what my bf thinks of me&whether he loves me. And I don't know how to control my anger/sadness?

Hi Skymonk,

First, realize that not a lot of this is in your control right now. Talk therapy is about the only thing that will help, over time, to regain control, to retrain the brain.

You're going to have relationship issues...but hopefully if he also learns how to understand some things about PTSD, the problems will lessen. I have yet to find anyone who knows all about PTSD, and that includes people with the disorder and expert therapists. But do remember that when things aren't going like you want them, it's probably because of the disorder and not "you."

Here's a great book to read, and read, and reread... The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook by Schiraldi.

Sky's right, I just discovered that book this summer and wish I'd found it years sooner. Found it to be way more valuable (& a lot cheaper too!) than therapy. A lot of what you're going through sounds like what my boyfriend & I have gone through. He has put up with me through so much, but just barely. I still have awful, awful PTSD & just quit therapy after almost three & a half years. It didn't do anything for me and I'm out of money/insurance since I lost my job and can't work well anyway with all my PTSD & other issues. Really awful situation to be in, so I too would love to know where one learns coping skills, etc etc if therapy doesn't help or teach any of that stuff. And how one holds a job when they have PTSD from hell.

Last year in therapy, I guess my T had finally gotten sick of hearing me complain about my relationship so much that he finally referred me to a couples T. That has done way more for us and for me than my individual therapy has. My bf & I used to fight big time over the housework too. I used to worry that the couples T would only believe my bf because he's not mentally insane and unstable like me, he's smart, successful, and a pretty normal person. I'm the complete opposite, so who's going to have more credibility, right? And I knew my bf would put on his goldenboy face in there and not be the same way at all in there that he was with me.

Well a lot of my paranoias and fears came true, with the exception of the couples T not believing me. And a lot of times my bf would say different things in there or act like he felt something differently than he really did. We would fight in there so badly that for months we couldn't go to the sessions together. Well after about six months, things started to change significantly. Things that I think helped were that the couples T explained to him what was going on based on my background & the reasons for my often erratic & insane behavior & reactions. My bf finally began to understand that a lot of those bizarre things weren't on purpose and I wasn't doing them intentionally like he had assumed. He also learned how some of the things he was saying or doing weren't the most helpful or how they were triggering bad things from my past. Plus I learned more about my bf's issues too!

It would take too long to go into all the changes it's brought about in our relationship, but believe me, we were dangling by a thread. I still can't believe all the stuff he's done for me now. Or all the stuff I'm willing to do for him. Also, give him books to read on your disorders if you feel comfortable with that and if he'd be willing to read them. That will help him understand too.

I know this is long, but I also know what it's like to be at wit's end with everything gone wrong in life and not one aspect is okay. And not having anything or anyone to help. If your bf says or does stuff differently in therapy, call him out on it, or ask to see the therapist separately without your bf there. That helps a lot and you don't have to worry about your bf being there to say or do something different than at home. You can tell it like it really is based on your side.

The only thing I've found to help with anger is to pound it out of my body physically. Exercise is good for that. All the other things I know of would be considered destructive or bad (which just makes me even madder!). I haven't found anything to get rid of sadness though. And I sure as hell don't know how to get rid of PTSD. I'm beginning to think it's impossible. So keep working on the relationship stuff, that's more mendable apparently!

Out of all of the responses I got, yours was the one that resonated w/me the most. Other people don't seem to realize that just because you have PTSD, it doesn't mean that you don't want to have intimate relationships&have trouble figuring out whether it's him or the PTSD. I've asked him to read books-that didn't work. I've asked him to look at web pages&w/out reading all of it he said he pretty much already knew everything that was on the page. We've gone to couples therapy w/ doc&it needs to be happening more frequently but I don't know if I can get him to go. I'm under the impression that he sees it as MY problem&he doesn't play any part in how I'm doing. So for now I'm going to continue therapy, meds&research&keep trying to get him to try a little harder than he has. He needs to understand that I really need his help&cooperation. I don't know how to put that to him w/out it turning into a fight-he's VERY defensive if I say he's contributing to the situatio. He says he cares&that he loves me, but his ways aren't good ways for me to get it. There should be no yelling&no automatic dissent about any&every subject. Did you have problems w/that? Are you still w/him? Are you married? I feel like I'm on very shaky ground because I rely on him financially&this is the longest relationship that either one of us has had. I think there's a little fear about the length of the relationship. Others keep telling me to leave him,but that's easier said than done&I don't want to-I want to fight for this relationship. I've put this many years into it&I'm not ready to just give up&throw that all away. He's got his good points. I'm not saying he's a jerk all of the time, but neither am I&I don't feel I'm getting credit for that. Thanks for the reply&hope to hear from you again.

Hi Skymonk, you are so welcome. I'm glad it was helpful to you. I just sent you a private message because my reply turned into a thesis. Very long, but everything you asked & talked about sounded just like us. I wanted to give you the background on how bad things were between us and how far we've come. I still, still cannot believe it. Convincing my boyfriend to even go or try it was one thing, but I think the miraculous changes we've experienced might be mainly because I made a lot of effort and I guess I've made changes and he in turn has responded positively to that. So it definitely takes both parties. And I also think learning or being informed what some of the other's issues were and where they were coming from (due to our pasts, parents, childhoods, etc.) helped as well. And that sometimes they were learned reactions or experiences from then. Or those things weren't really intentionally mean or geared toward the other but toward (or from) our parents or whatever. Takes a very skilled therapist at that sort of stuff too (the couples or relationship stuff) I would think. I know I never would have gotten & never did get any of that from my individual therapist, so that's why I'm saying I think it takes someone really skilled at couples work.

You're right, it is hard to get anyone to understand that we still want a relationship, even if we can't handle it or try to push anyone away from us. That led to a lot of fights for us as well. The whole I hate you but I need a hug afterward thing. Would really freak my boyfriend out and leave me feeling even more stabbed & rejected.

Check your PM, there's that stuff & more. Hope you don't mind the book, but I know how desperate I've been for help. Had a feeling you'd appreciate hearing how the story went since you're in the same boat.