Hate it.

Hate it, Hate it, Hate it, hate the loneliness of it, hate the way it plays in your mind like being caught up in a computer game that you dont want to be in, hate the way you try to tell others how you are feeling and they look at you as if to say, "what can I say? what can I do?", hate the way you have to continue to live and each day is the same as the day before, a ****ing nightmare, hate the way you look at the people around you going about their life and enjoying the good moments, and to you that isn't to be...hate the way we only get one life and what a life it has turned out to be, why? I know, "what can I say? what can I do?", the answer???? Nothing I guess, I know what I know and you can't unknow it, EVER! roll on death.

Hi Mouse, many people don't know how to respond when raw emotion is expressed. This happened/happens to all of us.

When you speak of not being able to enjoy the good moments, I have a picture of my mother at my wedding. The look on her face.... I don't know what to say about it....

You can't unknow it but you can learn something new....

There are moments, I find, as I gradually grow around the PTSD fortress, moments of connection, peace, warmth and gentleness.
Hope is indeed the last thing to remain when all of Pandora's Hell had tumbled out.
There is hope. Yes, even with PTSD.

Hope is missing.

((( Mouse )))

Hope might be missing right now, but you will see it again. It's just too hard right now with all that crap blocking your view.

So until that time, it's okay to be totally pisssed off.

Did you ever have hope Mouse?

Yes I guess I must have to even know that I've lost it....and the thing is, that its like the secret is out, you don't get to keep hope because the **** is always waiting justaroundthecorner to come back and hit you like a hammer.

Yes I guess I must have to even know that I've lost it....and the thing is, that its like the secret is out, you don't get to keep hope because the **** is always waiting justaroundthecorner to come back and hit you like a hammer.
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Wow I know that feeling. Thanks for putting it to words. Im sorry that you know it also.

Mouse did you have hope before because with all of your defenses you didn't really know what you were up against? Now you have moved forward and through out denial and now you can see....

I think that is partly the reason, but the other reason is I am experiencing a situation involving one of my daughters and my past is gettng mixed up with today and all hope feels lost...each time I think things have past, something else happens and I loose all hope all over again......I emailed T last night and she replied but I emailed again and said she is doing what everone is doing right now, replying to the words coming out of my mouth but their not hearing me and why should they when I dont even know what I'm saying, she replied, she was sorry, she had replied to my words and not attended to the feelings...sometimes its the feelings I just want seen/heard...I felt a sigh of relief and felt the return of hope...

I remember when people didn't understand. You are right, you have to understand yourself first!

Is this wanting others to understand your feelings new?

Is it new? Oh no, Its been a lifetime feeling, from the baby in the cot wanting her new mother to know she missed her old mother, but I've never had the words to describe what I needed/wanted, I thought I was just ranting and venting, and didn't know it was feelings inside that were trying to be known. Walking to work at 6am this morning, in the cold I was thinking about the warm glow I felt inside from the email I got, and I begun to say to myself "I feel this way" or "I feel that way", before I didn't understand I have to consult my feelings on matters also. I thought the answer was to be found simply in my head. BUT its not, my feelings feel certain ways about certain things for reasons even I sometimes cannot understand at the time. So is this wanting new? NO, but its the first time I've had words to describe it, a little voice inside of me has lots of things it wants people to understand and now she's excited that perhaps she maybe able get me to hear them also.

This is great Mouse! I am so happy for you...