Opening My Eyes!

I was diagnosed with PTSD the end of last year due to a horrific childhood. I'm still in therapy. I was obviously in denial for many years, but managed to raise two beautiful, wonderful children who are now adults living productive lives. I've been married for 27 years now, and the last couple of years of my marriage have been horriable.

I've discovered that my husband is a very controlling, and that he has severe issues within him self that I'd never seen before. When I started withdrawling sexually while I was dealing with sexual abuse from my childhood he got angy and would throw temper tantrums until I'd give in to his wants.

Finally I told him that I was uncomfortable being intimate and told him that I was only doing it to fullfill his desires. His response was "Thank you, I appreciate it" and continued with his usual pushyness and temper tantrums. About three months ago we completely cut sex out of the picture and started marriage counseling (we we're sexual 1 time since). It has been a crazy roller coaster ride. He throws tantrums for sex. Threatens to leave me one day and then swears he'll change the next. This has went on for a couple of months now, and he thinks he's done nothing wrong.

I have soooo much resentment built up over his behavior these last couple of years.

No emotional support during the death of my Grandmother. No emotional support when I started having issues and didn't know what was going on. No support when I started therapy. He's done nothing but add to the stress and create more heartache. This is a man that I was madly in love with for soooo long, and now I see him as nothing but I inmature, selfish man who wants nothing but to use me like everybody else did when I was young. His oder has changed, he doesn't taste same, and his looks are completely different to me.

He says it's all the PTSD that has changed me, but I think that the PTSD has opened my eyes to something I've been blind to all these years.

We married when I was 16 I had no family except my Grandmother and Grandfather. He was my rescuer and I worshipped the ground he walked on for many years. I'd do anything he said and I never questioned anything. I had no outside friends just us. Now I see nothing but heartache with him. My therapist recommended the marriage counsling which my husband has been going to for about eight visits and he's ready to quite. He says therapy is a waste of good time and does nothing but messes your mind up.

My therapist who has spoken to my husband in a few sessions feels my husband is an emotionally abusive sex addict, and feels he has narcisitic (sp) tendencies. I posted more in the Relationship section if you'd like more background.

I hope this is the right section this time.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions, advice, or feedback.

Welcome Newkay,

I am sorry you are going through so much pain, your husband sounds like one of my brother-in-laws he was great when she was waiting on him hand and foot -(maybe thats what head over heels in love means ? LOL) but as soon as the children came along he was a monster - his needs were and are the only ones that exist - when my mum died he wanted us to console him bacause he felt it was like his mum - NOT!

I saw a T shirt once that had "it's all about me" sums him up - my sister left him many times over the years but always went back - (which made me both sad and angry at the same time) it took years before she could leave - hopefully this time for good -

Sex may be important in a relationship where there is love - but i think it should be a mutual thing or its just you fulfilling his needs without him caring what your needs are. (just my opinion though

Maybe he wants to stop therapy because he feels he is not getting the result he wants.......


Take care P7

Hello NewKay, it's nice to meet you, welcome to psych central.
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It really does sound like your husband wants to leave therapy because it is not going his way. Please remember that you have a responsibility to yourself to make decisions that are best for you, whatever that decision may be for you. I would keep going to therapy and try to get your hubby to also continue marriage counseling with you, I think with time that you will see what the best decisions are for you.

Welcome. I'm sorry that you're in a difficult situation.

When I finally got into therapy, it pretty much shook my world up. I could see what had been done to me with clearer eyes, and I could see how my current life was hurting me. A lot has changed over a couple of years because of that.

It's hard to realize you're in a hurtful relationship. I think it's wonderful that you are getting individual therapy while trying counseling with your husband. Perhaps by discussing what upsets him about the couples therapy, you will be able to see what is preventing him from seeking help with you?

It is hard to work on yourself without working on the relationship, and even harder if husband won't get in on it. I hope that you find some things that improve your situation.

I am so so sorry that your husband has failed to be supportive of you. I can't even imagine how that feels, you're a very strong person to be dealing with it how you are. I believe that you are right, the PTSD seems to open up a new perspective of things to you that weren't seen before. I'm terribly sorry that he is such a selfish person. You deserve much better.
If he doesn't see what he's doing wrong, I'm afraid that being without this man would be in your best interest. I cannot believe he said that to you when you opened up your feelings to him. What a horrible thing to say.

You deserve a much better partner than the one you have now. I wish you the best, and hope you can find the strength to leave him and better your life. Good luck and best wishes.

NeyKay
hello and welcome...

There's not very much I can add to what has been said, but I would like to say that I think you are courageous and honest.
Please try and remember that you--your mental/spiritual health and physical safety--are your number one priority.

When I was reading your post, my first feeling was that your husband is emotionally and verbally abusing you.
It also sounds as though you are aware of it and getting very tired of it...jmo, of course.
Perhaps you are also realizing you deserve more respect and support from your partner...
I hope that's true--that you are accepting the fact that you are a worthwhile and beautiful human being because you are, NeyKay.

Listen to what your heart is telling you, ok? It sounds like you are carefully making a decision about what you want to do the rest of your life. I commend you for being willing to stay in therapy, but also allowing your eyes to open as you put it...a very telling statement, jmo.

Peace and Power to You,
Cap