Don't want to help in certain situations

Hello,I am a Volunteer Firefighter and after several tragic events over the past few months regarding 2 fatalities in 2 seperate structure fires,and a tragic accident at a Metal Coatings Plant,I have felt like on certain calls I just cannot go.I have had burst of anger for the past 2 months,and released that anger by yelling,kicking and throwing things.Sad part is all the bursts of anger occured in presence of my now ex girlfriend of 4 months.I did not in any way threaten to,or harm her.She,according to my Counselor provoked the anger by ignoring the signs of my illness,and not following the recommendation of my Counselor to not provoke me such in a way that would trigger an outburst of anger.I began to distance my self from her and she took that distancing as a sign of unfaithfulness to our relationship.She became suspicious of me and managed to somehow log into my cell phone account online,saw who i had called and who had sent me text messages,all whom were from friends of mine that she knows.She began calling these people late at night and demanding to know who they were,the male friends she asked if they were married and if so if they knew if thier wife and i were having an affair,which of course was not true.She blamed that on me due to me isolating myself from people.She had a complete nervous breakdown last week and was admitted to the hospital,yet blamed that on me as well.Back to the main topic here,can anyone else say that they have been involved in the the fire or emergency medical,or police services and found themselves due to a tragic incident feel you are unable to deal with certain calls,or situations,and therefore begin to pick and choose calls?

I can relate in a small way - I was attacked by a patient - I deal with people recovering from major trauma and they can often be confused and hit out - this one was different - afterwards I avoided going to the areas where I was attacked and kept away from the patients as much as possible who had similar backgrounds or looked similar -

Eventually and with a lot of help I started going back to those areas and spending a little time there - then more - until I was de-sensitised to them - maybe its the same with you? maybe with the help of your counciller you can de-sensitise yourself to those calls and places that trigger you - I hope so - I hope things get better for you soon P7

ff, I can certainly understand your reaction to certain calls. I am glad that you are in therapy. I am sorry about your gf..........

Are there no counseling resources attached to the department? I think many of them have just such services, because they recognize that their people are under stress.

Hi pach,yes there are counseling services available to the department which after the first one,we did meet with 2 counselors.But after time,things began to build up inside me,such as a house fire the tragically ended up in the loss of the resident.At the time i thought i was fine with it,but over time it began building and add problems with my girlfriend at the time who did not understand and she would not listen nor offer support.We became distant from one another because of that and she accused me of pushing her away.We began to fight constantly,i began having fits of extreme anger,throwing and kicking things.I did not physically threaten or harm her.She got to the point she could not take it,even though i only had the fits of anger when she was at my house,in other words she provoked them,but blamed it on me.She then went as far to obtain my cell phone call and text message records,began calling my friends and harrassing them at all hours of the night.She also got into and deleted my My Space account.She also accused me of being into swinging,then threatened to call the police on me because it was illegal to do that.I never have,nor ever will participate in any such activities.I went to the Magistrate;s Office to find out my options on what action i could take.Now her Daughter read her journal 2 days ago and sent me an email accusing me of verbally and physically abusing her Mother and threatened to tell her Mom's Brother on me who in no uncertain terms would wreck my world.I don't even feel safe going out of my own home for fear of her brother being out there waiting for me somewhere.I called my ex girlfriend and told her everything her daughter said to me.The meds i am taking were helping,but last night i had an anexity attack,first one in about 4 days.I wonder if this will ever end,and hope no one has to go through what i am now.

ff271.
I'm truly sorry that you are going through so much...

Jme, but it seems like there are several issues that are combining to make life miserable for you.
Your traumatic experiences need to be directly addressed, again jmo, before you can make progress with your relationships.
As someone who has had similar experiences in military and civilian life, I know the havoc they wreak on our minds...

You may need to regroup and do some soul searching and make different plans. If the current situation--this counselor--is not working for you, perhaps another would be more helpful.
It's frustrating, I know, to start over but it's worth it in order to have a measure of peace and serenity.

My very best wishes to you,

Cap